Ok so...as per the title, this is obviously becoming a serious problem for me. I think it is related to anxiety, dancing has been a rough but neccessary path for me...and I guess maybe it's finally catching up to me? I was overweight as a teenager and when I started working, it NEVER affected my earnings, and oddly, at the beginning, I feel my confidence was so much higher than it is now, which is fucking wierd because I finally am in good shape--with being in great shape being a very attainable goal in the near future. I've lost so much weight in the last two years but I still feel like the same fat girl. It doesn't help that the only two times I've ever been fired for being fat have been this past summer...when I've been at my lowest weight...with a bmi of 23/24. Talk about slap in the face. Trying to not take it personally, but I'm pretty sure those two firings have completely fucked up my confidence in myself, and are a huge contributing factor to my morning nauseausness--which always happens before work, sometimes before school, not on other days. Even though I know they shouldn't because I look waaaaayyy hotter than when I started and if I was making money then I really have nothing to worry about. Basically, I feel as if I am about to hit my stride/prime dancing time (turning 24 in a couple months) and I want to CASH IN for a couple years and pay off my student loans but I am worried this anxiety is going to de rail it...I will just give up and quit and get fat againBecause this is making it really hard for me to get my ass into the club...I've been awake for two hours and the only things I have gotten done are showering, barfing twice and writing this post.
The other thing is I can't work in the city I currently live in. Rather, I can't deal with working there. It's too much bullshit for too little money. There is a city a few hours away I can travel to to dance, and I do well here, problem is it's my hometown, and it's christmas now, so obviously I'm staying at home. Fun. Whoo. Barf!
My parents and I have made great strides towards having a better relationship in the last couple years(it basically fell apart completely at the seams when they found out I was dancing 3 years ago). It has gone from complete utter crap to pretty satisfactory, not that there hasn't been a lot of bumps in between, but much progress made. Still can't tell them I'm dancing because it would break their hearts. They help me as much as they can with school and think I make all the rest of my money from my business, which does make a good chunk, but I do have to take dancing trips to keep my head above water...since those dancing trips are to my hometown I guess they are...wearing on my conscience? To the point where I am a complete mess in the mornings. I threw up bile this morning in the shower. Tried to eat a yogurt when I got out and barfed that up too. Now attempting tea and soda crackers.
On top of all this I'm trying to finish school. I only have two classes left to take this semester but the workload is the equivalent of a full course load because of the nature of one of the classes. I don't know if I even want to work in my field anymore because the more time I spend in the industry the more evil I think it is. Very disheartening to give everything you have to something for 5 years and then at the end have it not be worth it. I guess I do not handle stress/disappointment very well. But this barfing in the morning thing needs to stop, it's ruining my life. I've gone to the doctor even though I'm sure it's psychological, and I can't go to therapy anymore because I'm not a full time student. The only thing that helps me to not feel sick in the morning is to toke. But since I want to start my career shortly, I want to stop smoking (obviously can't show up to work stoned, doing homework and working in the club is a bit different). My mother is trying to convince me to take anti anxiety meds but I am skeptical about those...I don't want to mask anything with drugs. Plus I think that when I'm done school and have the freedom to move somewhere else (highly unlikely I'm going to stay where I am at this point--high living costs and high unemployment), and with that I think 2 of my big stressors will be gone.
Just a bit clueless as to what I can do to try and make my life a bit more liveable for the next 6 months. Thanks for reading all that![]()



Because this is making it really hard for me to get my ass into the club...I've been awake for two hours and the only things I have gotten done are showering, barfing twice and writing this post.
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