First I'll start by saying that it is extremely hard being in love with someone who is has bipolar disorder/depression. Especially when they won't medicate. So I have known my boyfriend for 10 years. We have been together for 2 this month. When we first got together I had just lost my job and he didn't have one, so when he took what he could find, we moved into one of the worst apartment complexes in town because that's what we could afford. He got offered a great job a few months ago and camming is starting to be worthwhile for me as well. So there's still that initial cost of moving that seems impossible (deposits, moving belongings etc.) luckily (kind of) we got in this minor car accident and he got a check for around $5,000. I'll get back to that shortly. So my bf has been off his meds for a while so it was only a matter of time before something happened. He came to me a week ago panicking because he felt suicidal.. but didn't want to be. He freaked about getting older and being healthy and being around to be with me so he threw away all his cigarettes and got an e cig. Like literally this was a full on panic attack. Things were ok for a few days although he still didn't feel great. Yesterday he's messaging me from work saying he gives up on life and he is going to kill himself, this leads to an epic panic attack when he gets home, seriously his panic attacks warrant a dart gun. He tells me he owes thousands of dollars in medical bills, a few thousand in child support (he pays but owes back support) he can't afford his medications, and the 5k to move out disappeared from his account. He hates his new job, he hates the repetitiveness of life, waking up at 5am, he's never going to have money to do crap in life. I told him it was ok and I didn't care but now it's kind of hitting me that we could probably spend another year or two or who knows how long in these nasty apartments. He can't own a car or any property because of the money he owes, which leaves him using his mom's when she lets him. After seeing him break down I've dismissed any desire we've had for a baby because I fear if it get;s too hard he'll contemplate suicide or move back in with his mom. And I'm having a hard enough time taking care of my own daughter even with all the help him and his family give me.
I really love him though. There has been no man who has treated me the way he does, or understand my debilitating anxiety issues. He literally does everything for me and my daughter. If I run out of makeup, he can go to the store by himself and come back with the correct brand and shade. He spoils both of us and always plays with her or picks up slack when I'm tired. He never goes anywhere because he always wants to be right next to me.( he will sleep on the floor in the living room if I don't go to bed just so he can be around me.) I'm afraid I won't fins anyone else like him. But I don't want to be that girl that gives up what she wants. I would like the nice house...or apartment, another baby where I can actually be happy about the pregnancy, to take my kids to disneyland, a family since I have none.
Sorry for this short novel I just wrote but I'm really a bit lost and I need some insight from anyone.





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) There is no shame in breaking things down so they are more manageable, but I know when I suggested this to my ex he did not take kindly to it.




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