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Thread: I have no idea what to do now...

  1. #1
    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Sad I have no idea what to do now...

    First I'll start by saying that it is extremely hard being in love with someone who is has bipolar disorder/depression. Especially when they won't medicate. So I have known my boyfriend for 10 years. We have been together for 2 this month. When we first got together I had just lost my job and he didn't have one, so when he took what he could find, we moved into one of the worst apartment complexes in town because that's what we could afford. He got offered a great job a few months ago and camming is starting to be worthwhile for me as well. So there's still that initial cost of moving that seems impossible (deposits, moving belongings etc.) luckily (kind of) we got in this minor car accident and he got a check for around $5,000. I'll get back to that shortly. So my bf has been off his meds for a while so it was only a matter of time before something happened. He came to me a week ago panicking because he felt suicidal.. but didn't want to be. He freaked about getting older and being healthy and being around to be with me so he threw away all his cigarettes and got an e cig. Like literally this was a full on panic attack. Things were ok for a few days although he still didn't feel great. Yesterday he's messaging me from work saying he gives up on life and he is going to kill himself, this leads to an epic panic attack when he gets home, seriously his panic attacks warrant a dart gun. He tells me he owes thousands of dollars in medical bills, a few thousand in child support (he pays but owes back support) he can't afford his medications, and the 5k to move out disappeared from his account. He hates his new job, he hates the repetitiveness of life, waking up at 5am, he's never going to have money to do crap in life. I told him it was ok and I didn't care but now it's kind of hitting me that we could probably spend another year or two or who knows how long in these nasty apartments. He can't own a car or any property because of the money he owes, which leaves him using his mom's when she lets him. After seeing him break down I've dismissed any desire we've had for a baby because I fear if it get;s too hard he'll contemplate suicide or move back in with his mom. And I'm having a hard enough time taking care of my own daughter even with all the help him and his family give me.

    I really love him though. There has been no man who has treated me the way he does, or understand my debilitating anxiety issues. He literally does everything for me and my daughter. If I run out of makeup, he can go to the store by himself and come back with the correct brand and shade. He spoils both of us and always plays with her or picks up slack when I'm tired. He never goes anywhere because he always wants to be right next to me.( he will sleep on the floor in the living room if I don't go to bed just so he can be around me.) I'm afraid I won't fins anyone else like him. But I don't want to be that girl that gives up what she wants. I would like the nice house...or apartment, another baby where I can actually be happy about the pregnancy, to take my kids to disneyland, a family since I have none.

    Sorry for this short novel I just wrote but I'm really a bit lost and I need some insight from anyone.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Man, that's a tough one. Does he love you enough to get help and stay on his meds? I guess that's the main question.

    Also, the money disappearing is a huge problem there. damn. Is there any way you could take charge of the finances completely?

    Not sure if it will be worth staying with him unless he gets help and stays on meds.


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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    ^^^^Agreed. I think you guys need to have a serious sit-down abt this, b/c you raise sm very important points. One of my exes had sm pretty serious anxiety-depression issues & honestly I wish I had pushed him a bit more to be more proactive abt his mental health, but I also know from my own experience w/ mental illness that this is a living example of leading the horse to water.

    I was also disturbed by the $5k 'disappearing' from his account. How the hell do you just 'lose' $5k??

    He needs to really consider what he wants in the long-term. I know this is often much easier said than done, esp when dealing w/ debilitating depression. Start your heart-to-heart w/ what he wants in the short-term -- not what he feels will happen, if he is still in a depressive swing, but what he actually wants. If he has problems w/ debt, is there a way to break those down for him so they don't seem so overwhelming, like put aside X amt each wk that will go towards repayments? Start small -- when my depression gets really bad, I literally cannot think past each individual action, & I can't try to b/c it just fks me up worse. I am like, Feet out of bed. Walk to bathroom. Shower. Dress. Brush my hair. Maybe there is a way to literally break things down for him so that he can function.
    Call dr. Make appt. Get back on meds. Have lunch. Pick up meds rx. Find newspaper. Look at job ads. And go up from there, getting debts under control, finding a better place to live, etc. Encourage these small steps toward large end goals.

    I don't know much abt bipolar/manic conditions but this is how I remain semi-functional when I am at my lowest IDGAF-b/c-the-world-sux-&-I-suck-&-I-deserve-to-die moods. I seriously need a to-do list & put down much more than I think I can manage, so that I can accomplish a few things at least, no matter how trivial.

    I agree that you should take control of the finances, but I don't think you should have to do it alone if it is possible to get him stabilised and contributing to said finances.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    When he was on them I was supposed to give them to him every day, but I stated slacking I guess and he stopped taking them. I think the money disappeared because child support or the courts or something may have taken it out of his account. I know wells fargo charges you if the courts have to look at your account. He's not one to just spend and lie about it.. plus he's literally always with me unless he's at work. Unless we really spent it all in just 2 months, I mean we did eat out a lot and buy a lot of things.. but definitely not 5k worth.. maybe 500.


    Oh and we don't have a joint account. My money stays with me lol. He did say that he wanted to move as soon as the check cleared because he had a feeling something was going to happen to it. We did end up having like 2 talks after his panic attacks and I offered a bunch of suggestions. I'ts weird because he isn't usually one to give up but I guess depression is getting the best of him. I do like that idea of breaking things into smaller tasks.. kind of like we used to do for out dementia patients when I worked in a nursing home. (he would hate that but he doesn't have to know) I try not to ask a whole lot out of him since he basically does EVERYTHING. Just take out the trash and stay on your meds


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Even w/o his mental health issues, a metric butt-tonne of debt & subpar apt & god-knows-what-else is a lot to deal w/ I hope I didn't come off as patronising, that was not my intent & I apologise if so (just re-read sm of what I wrote ) There is no shame in breaking things down so they are more manageable, but I know when I suggested this to my ex he did not take kindly to it.

    A joint acct might be a good thing, for joint things like bills & whatnot, but def each keep your own separate accts along w/!!

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    Even w/o his mental health issues, a metric butt-tonne of debt & subpar apt & god-knows-what-else is a lot to deal w/ I hope I didn't come off as patronising, that was not my intent & I apologise if so (just re-read sm of what I wrote ) !
    NO! Not at all! Very helpful stuff right there. I want opinions haha

    I just feel so conflicted. I mean he does have a great personality and amazing looks... maybe that's what keeps me around. He's basically my only family aside from my daughter and grandmother.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    omg NO do not get a joint account or mix your finances in any way. Soon as you do they may garnish every penny for child support and there goes not only his money but yours.

    On looking at this again, honestly it would be very hard for me to have any respect for a man who will not hold down a good job to support the children he brought into this world without whining. Life can suck, yes, but he needs to take his meds and find a way to deal. Just deal.


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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Oh he's not whining about paying support. He's always paid except for when his doctor told him he couldn't work for a year. That's why he has so much back support. He just feels like he doesn't know wtf he's doing at work, and he feels like his life is repetitive. I had to tell him he's not the only one who feels this way. People just don't talk about these things. My days are craazzyy repetitive too. He still has to take his meds regardless. It may not help that we don't have really any friends to hang out with.

    Yeah we're never going to share a bank account though. I just want to know will all this debt and child support payments really get in the way as much as he's worrying. Like is it really worth leaving him over. He does have a really good job. Half the time they just pay him to hang out and eat.

    My problem isn't that he's a douche or a bad guy.. I don't want this to get misinterpreted in any way.. it's that he's sicks and has a lot of debt and I want to know if I should let it get in the way of the relationship.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    On looking at it again, I gotta take back that advice abt getting a joint acct. I suggested it w/ the idea of just having it for split expenses, but this is not a typical relationship. My apologies.

    I think if he can just stay on his meds & keep (relatively) stable, the relationship can work. It seems that a lot of his troubles stem from his illness, & if he can just get that under sm measure of control, yeah life is still gonna suck for a bit but it will be a lot easier for him to get other aspects of his life organised.

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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    I'm gonna play devils advocate based on my own 8 year relationship with a man who loved me dearly for who I was, didn't care about my baggage, and who didn't judge me.

    They don't change. And deep down we know this, even when we stick around and try to change them.

    You're gorgeous and there are lots of understanding men out there who don't have debilitating issues of their own. I'm happier Single now than I was in the last several years of my relationship and I thought I was happy back then.

    Love makes us blind but eventually love isn't enough.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Yeah the joint account isn't happening lol.


    I'm not trying to change him Trixia. I like the person he is. This isn't a rant about an emotionally or physically abusive boyfriend. I'ts more of a how much should I let baggage and money play into this relationship. Like will it really never be possible for us to have a normal life because of all his debt?


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Veteran Member Renton's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Is it possible for you to maybe talk to someone to get a better insight into his debt? I don't know how it works where you live, but here we can get someone to help us manage and pay off debt. If he has someone like that maybe you can talk to them?

    I don't know if that would help you, from your posts it seems like you don't really know just how much debt he has and how long it's gonna take him to pay it off. Problems aside it does seem like he's a good guy.

    Oh and he should definitely go back on his meds. I know what that's like and how difficult it can be to convince someone that they NEED to take it, but for your and his sanity this really has to happen.

    good luck and stay strong <3




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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Quote Originally Posted by SavannahLynnn View Post
    My problem isn't that he's a douche or a bad guy.. I don't want this to get misinterpreted in any way.. it's that he's sicks and has a lot of debt and I want to know if I should let it get in the way of the relationship.
    Many years ago my very tough Irish grandmother, a remarkable woman who grew up in the Depression era and who, through sheer grit and determination, started a business that supported a large family for many years (and is doing well to this day for the next generation), shared with me her insights about certain types of people. IMHO these insights gave me the strength to pull myself from a couple of toxic relationships that would have haunted me for my entire life and would have resulted in me marrying someone who would have been a poor mother to my children.

    In essence, she said that some people in this world are black holes of negativity. You can't help them or fix them no matter what you do. When they are that messed up and that broken, they either find a way to fix themselves or stay that way forever. They are constant sources of misery that, like any black hole, suck in anything that is positive, including money, energy, and happiness. The only thing that we can do is keep them out of our lives.

    This is especially relevant since you have a child. She needs strong positive role models in her life, not unstable panicky men who can't manage their most basic life issues. And make no mistake, his issues are only going to get worse. This sounds like the type of guy who wallows in a victim mentality, always feeling persecuted and downtrodden when he is the actual cause of his own issues, both through what he has done already and his failure to take control of his life.

    Now if you just cannot cut him out (which honestly is optimal here IMHO), then maybe you can tell him to stop whining and take some control instead. If he wants to know who took his money, pick up the phone and call the bank - they will be able to tell him. If he doesn't like his job, then work harder and get training in something else. If he owes back support and cannot pay it, go to the court and request a modification. If he doesn't have enough money, get a second job. You know, all the things that grown men do when they need to take care of business. Or he can just sit there and have panic attacks instead.

    In any event, good luck with all of this.

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Excess baggage and poor finances are top reasons people get divorced.

    If he was stable on medication why did he stop?

    If he can remain responsible by taking necessary steps to take care of his mental health then that would be the ideal situation to stay in and then you both can start a plan to get out of debt. It's not as difficult as you both may think.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Thanks Renton, I'll look into that. I think he said he owes around $8,000 cs and $24,000 to hospital bills. I told him not to worry about it since I know I owe some too and his credit score is better than mine- it's still not a good score but it's better. I told him it can be fixed, but it's going to take time and he has to want to be helped and keep a positive mind. (coming from miss negativity here) Other than that he's not constantly broke or anything. I think he may have gotten overwhelmed because he's been paying rent/bills/everything by himself for the last few months. Now that I'm making more I can help.

    I think he stops taking his medication because they aren't working, and he get's paranoid that in 50 years they might give him cancer (lithium) His paranoia is part of his thing. When he goes back to his dr. I'm going to ask for something else.


    Rick, In the event that I did leave him, I'd have to consider how it would affect my almost 4 yo girl, since he has been around since she was 2 and he's basically the only other father figure she's known other than her dad. He was the first boyfriend I had to be in her life. And it's not like he breaks down in front of her, it's usually when she's not home, or he excuses himself to the room. I don't like the idea that it is wrong for men to feel a wide range of human emotions. I think it's ok for them to whine or complain OR EVEN CRY once in a while. Women do all the time. He's usually great to be around.. except for when he's cycling (bipolar disorder) which does happen even when he is on his meds sometimes. Every few months, sometimes not even that often. As someone who suffers from panic disorder themselves, let me tell you that you can't control when you're going to have one, and you can't always be sure that xanax is going to kick in. so I take offense to that.

    Like I said before, he is a good guy and he does have a really good job. He just has a lot of debt and some mental health problems. I will help him look into fixing the debt, and maybe my own. As far as asking for a modification in support, that isn't likely to happen because of the visitation which isn't likely to change. I'll try to look into other stuff for him to do so he feels like he has a life outside of work. (he's gone from 5am to 5pm)


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Veteran Member Angeliqua's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    I was in a similar situation, needless to say it ended badly. My ex-husband is bipolar, would not stay on medications and the financial problems were awful and this was only in the beginning. This went on for a few years but granted, it eventually escalated. He developed a criminal record and started using some years later. (Those with mental illness are more likely to develop substance abuse problems). This was a 14 year relationship with three children mind you, that now even though he is clean and sober, he has ruined his life and it will take years for us to financially recuperate from his endeavors. Loves his children and me dearly, I would never have him back. I know that illness cannot be helped but this is also your daughters future. My children love their father and I feared our divorce would hurt them badly, it has done less damage than the instability he caused. They are actually a lot less anxious, doing better in school, etc. If he cannot stay on the meds and get it together, I would reconsider. Not trying to be preachy. Just my two cents from personal experience.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    For now, I'm going to stay with him I guess. I'm a little swayed by this decision as he has just told me I'll have to settle for a $60 cz engagement ring because he can't afford a real diamond. I told him he wouldn't be the first boyfriend to give me a fake ring. He justified it by saying at least he's being honest. By the way, he just bought a $300 suit. If he isn't going to have the common sense to save up for one instead of settling that answers all my questions.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    ^^^^How do you feel abt moissanite?

    You might also be able to get a ring w/ a different stone that might be cheaper than a diamond.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    ^I didn't even know things like that existed. Maybe I'm being a bit whiny. Maybe I'm the problem in this relationship. I'm just going to see what happens.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Quote Originally Posted by SavannahLynnn View Post
    Rick, In the event that I did leave him, I'd have to consider how it would affect my almost 4 yo girl, since he has been around since she was 2 and he's basically the only other father figure she's known other than her dad. He was the first boyfriend I had to be in her life. And it's not like he breaks down in front of her, it's usually when she's not home, or he excuses himself to the room. I don't like the idea that it is wrong for men to feel a wide range of human emotions. I think it's ok for them to whine or complain OR EVEN CRY once in a while. Women do all the time. He's usually great to be around.. except for when he's cycling (bipolar disorder) which does happen even when he is on his meds sometimes. Every few months, sometimes not even that often. As someone who suffers from panic disorder themselves, let me tell you that you can't control when you're going to have one, and you can't always be sure that xanax is going to kick in. so I take offense to that.

    Like I said before, he is a good guy and he does have a really good job. He just has a lot of debt and some mental health problems. I will help him look into fixing the debt, and maybe my own. As far as asking for a modification in support, that isn't likely to happen because of the visitation which isn't likely to change. I'll try to look into other stuff for him to do so he feels like he has a life outside of work. (he's gone from 5am to 5pm)
    Savannah, no offense intended and I'll admit to having some rather old school notions about how men should be. But I'll tell you point blank there are very few things worse for a woman than being saddled with a grown man who struggles to function normally. It may seem cool while you are young, but it gets old real fast. All the sweetness and good looks in the world don't pay the rent, or buy groceries and diapers, etc.,etc. So when I hear a story about a grown man who has head issues that make him unstable, couldn't work for a solid year, and has wracked up debt and is not really managing it, warning bells go off. But I will leave the rest of that alone and wish you all the best on that front. There are definitely pieces to this that I may not be seeing.

    With respect to the hospital bills, these can often be negotiated. He should ask for a detailed accounting of everything that is owed and challenge big charges for small procedures. Seriously, this often works and he could knock several thousand dollars off of that bill. I did it several times over the years as my old health insurance plan had very high deductibles and I had some of my bills reduced by as much as 50%, though obviously results will vary depending upon what the charges are for and who is being paid. Then, when the number is more manageable, ask for a payment plan. Trust me when I say that hospitals are very accustomed to being shafted, especially by cash payers, and are usually eager to work with people to collect what they can. Alternatively, if he instead does nothing and just hopes for the best, he's going to be chased down by collections people and may eventually be sued.

    With respect to his support payments, he needs to do something. If he can afford the current payments but his problem is the back support, then maybe he can have his attorney contact hers and work out a catch up plan. If he simply cannot afford the current payments, then he needs to go back to court and request a modification. Sticking his head in the sand and hoping for the best is a crappy option as it leaves her with the power to haul his ass to court whenever she wants. In fact, if he ignores the payment order he could very well have his ass thrown in jail for contempt of court.

    But before he does any of this, he needs to find out who took what from his bank account. This is the only way he will know if his debt to one party or another has been reduced and how much he still actually owes.

    And why do you need to help him do these things? He needs to man up and help himself Savannah. If he doesn't learn to manage his affairs like an adult, then his issues in this life are just going to keep getting worse. Medium sized issues that could be managed today tend to snowball out of control for people who do not learn to step up and take action when they can. If he wants a better life and to even feel better about himself, then IMHO he needs to stop giving other people the power to screw with him and instead to take his own control back.

    In any event, I sincerely wish you all the best as you try to work through all of this.

    RD
    Last edited by rickdugan; 12-19-2013 at 07:42 AM.

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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Quote Originally Posted by SavannahLynnn View Post
    ^I didn't even know things like that existed. Maybe I'm being a bit whiny. Maybe I'm the problem in this relationship. I'm just going to see what happens.
    300 dollar suit but he offers you a $60 ring?

    Seriously, why would you even consider marrying this man-child? It's just sounding worse and worse.


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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Quote Originally Posted by laurielegs View Post
    300 dollar suit but he offers you a $60 ring?

    Seriously, why would you even consider marrying this man-child? It's just sounding worse and worse.
    That was actually my first instinct but I didn't want to jump the gun. I am generally on the frugal side myself when it comes to jewelery, but it is the sentiment here that has me riled. Diamonds are so expensive mainly b/c of marketing. There are plenty of other stones that fall into the financial middle-ground, & CZ is actually one of the lowest-quality stones, really not good for much other than sprinkling under the windshield of sm1 who's pissed you off & waiting for the nxt rain

    Seriously tho, the more I read abt this guy, the more it seems you are just going to end up on the short end. I can understand needing help sm times, & the occasional need for a vicious kick in the pants, but it doesn't seem like this guy is making ANY effort of his own towards getting his shit straightened out.

    First, Get him back on his meds. if his mental problems are really where all of this drama is stemming from, that will go a LONG way toward getting him on the right track. If he resists re-starting the meds or quits taking them again, Fk Em. That is his choice, it is on him & you should not have to suffer for it.

    Then take Rick's advice toward getting his debts organised. Break it all down into smaller steps like I suggested earlier, if you have to. He may need help re-locating the right track, but he needs to be enough of a grown-up to stay there.

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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Subconsciously, are you holding on to him because you have no other family? I understand your situation and the need to have someone near. I think you know what to do, just trying to find the guts to take total control. PEACE & LIGHT

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  36. #24
    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    I would think if this is his first time having personal issues that's affecting his and your life then he should have a second chance to get himself together. Especially since you both believe that he needs to find the right medication for him. Mental health is just as important as physical health.

    Okay so he doesn't have money for a real diamond but if, like you say he has a good job, then he should be able to save for an upgrade if it's important to you and he knows it will make you happy.

    I think it's okay to work with him through this difficult time but also remember that you are young and if you are having doubts about your relationship pay attention to your gut and know when it's time to stay or leave. Just because you have a kid doesn't mean you need to allow the issues of others (even those who are near and dear to you) to affect your and your child's life.

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  38. #25
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    Default Re: I have no idea what to do now...

    Quote Originally Posted by SavannahLynnn View Post
    I'm a little swayed by this decision as he has just told me I'll have to settle for a $60 cz engagement ring because he can't afford a real diamond. I told him he wouldn't be the first boyfriend to give me a fake ring. He justified it by saying at least he's being honest. By the way, he just bought a $300 suit.
    Oh my God, why. Don't leave him because he's bipolar, leave him because his maturity is at ^that^ level.

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