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Thread: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

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    God/dess CourtneyRaine's Avatar
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    Default Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    Edited because putting my life out there is scary, so long story short:

    I had a close friend when I was a teenager and we lost touch for five years, now he's just found me but he's married with a young kid. I love him with all my heart but I think the way he is talking to me is inappropriate considering he has a wife. He hasn't said anything sexual, he's just talking like we are close again and considering our history I think this is potentially a slippery slope. I just wanted to know why he's coming around after so much absence, and how I should handle this. I want him in my life but I respect him even more than that, and I don't want to overstep and cause a problem with his marriage (even though I am 99% sure his wife knows nothing about me and that he's contacted me again, which makes this even worse).
    Last edited by CourtneyRaine; 12-17-2013 at 07:39 PM.

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    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    (((hugs)))

    It's so hard to step back and see a situation like this clearly when you are inside it.

    There really is no ending to this type of thing except more heartache, mostly on your side. Too many feelings on both sides and I'm positive he is hiding this completely from his wife. Guess what would happen if you asked for his wife's phone number to invite her to this new blog/tumblr?

    Same type thing happened to me with my high school sweetheart. He ended up freaking stalking me in the end, deleted my facebook and he even found my mother's phone # and contacted her. I think I was just the one that got away (we never had sex either, first crush and all) and he thought he'd weasel his way back in and get another notch on his belt.
    Of course at first it all starts out innocently enough but his true colors will show very soon if you get sucked into this.

    It's totally shitty of him to be dong this. You have so much more at stake than he does since you are unattached. You would pour your energy into this and he gets the main emotional benefit. Emotional affairs can be so much more damaging than physical ones.

    You would be giving him your precious time and attention while he is home all cozy with wife and child, and what do you get? Not much. Don't let him pull you into this. Your time and emotional energy are the most precious things and would be such a shame to waste them on someone like that.

    Cut ALL ties, pour your energy and time into things that will benefit YOU, not something that solely benefits him. (Believe me, I've wasted precious years of my life in a couple of "relationships" that went nowhere.)

    I could kick myself now that I finally am in a truly good healthy relationship where I get back as good as I give.

    I would truly have been better off alone than all that wasted time/money/emotional stress and pain. A quality man will not put someone he cares about in a position like this, not his wife, and not you.


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    Featured Member Starling's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    Quote Originally Posted by CourtneyRaine View Post
    It feels somehow inappropriate and I truly don't know what to do. I love him beyond measure and that means I love him enough to respect his family and not overstep my bounds. I need advice on this one. First, can you help me understand why a guy who's now a husband and father would reach out to an old... whatever we were? And second, how should I navigate this? My ideal would be to have my friend back in my life but because I know how close we were I think it would be disrespectful to his wife, and I would never want that. [/FONT]
    Well it seems like he was obviously thinking about you for whatever reason. Something similar happened to me. One day I opened my email and I saw someone that I cared about in the past had emailed me. I never responded. I would recommend doing the same, it can't end well. As tempting as it may be to stay in touch with him you'd be putting your feelings on the line the more you talk to this guy. And it is inappropriate because he's married with children. If I found out my SO were talking this way to another woman behind my back I would flip my shit.

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    God/dess CourtneyRaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    Quote Originally Posted by laurielegs View Post
    There really is no ending to this type of thing except more heartache, mostly on your side. Too many feelings on both sides and I'm positive he is hiding this completely from his wife. Guess what would happen if you asked for his wife's phone number to invite her to this new blog/tumblr?
    Oh God, Laurie, I knew you were my camming twin but I had no idea you can relate so well to this non-work stuff! I KNOW he is hiding this from his wife. 1. Calling another woman your "muse"? My first thought was, "Shouldn't you feel that way about the woman you vowed to spend the rest of your life with in holy matrimony?" And 2. I am 95% sure that his primary email account is with gmail, but he's been emailing me through a yahoo account. It's only been since yesterday but so far he's only written me from this yahoo account during work hours (when his wife can't see?).

    The... stupid?... part is, I would actually totally love to meet his wife if things were just platonic; he's given me my second longest friendship and of course I'd love to see them happy and making a family and all that good stuff. Part of me is like yeah, you've made a family, woo hoo! And the other part of me questions why you'd seek me out after so long if your family (wife) meant so much?

    I am trying to be angry. Trying to be offended. Trying to think, "Okay, I was good enough to suck your dick but not good enough to commit to? I was good enough for you to go out of your way just to be with me, but not good enough to tell your family that I am a person who exists in this world?"

    Normally when I get angry it is REALLY easy for me to lose feelings and let go, but this time I just can't seem to muster it up.

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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    These two girls ^^^^have hit it squarely. I would say write back that you feel it is inappropriate for him to be contacting you like this, saying these things, behind his wife's back. Wish him well & be done w/ it. You were essentially only good enough to be a step away from a fling before, now he wants to get chummy again after all this time but you can bet that he will again be hiding you from his family. You don't deserve that. Regardless of his feelings for you, he made his choice yrs ago, even before falling out of your life, when he couldn't bear to bring you around his parents. If his wife was on board w/ this, that would be different but if she is as traditionally-minded as his parents, well ... Yeah, you'll be getting fked over no matter how it pans out.

    So sry your friendship has fizzled out. I know how much it can hurt, I have been in your spot before. Keep a special place for him in your heart, but for your own peace I would say walk away & nvr look back.

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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    I am going through a similar situation right now so I can relate to how you are feeling. He may be unhappy with his current wiife and is now realizing you are the one. But shit he is married. If he did leave his wife and kid, do you want to bear the burden of being a homewrecker and experience the fallout of his marriage? I don't think so. That would not be a happy relationship for you. I would suggest staying in touch with him just so he can be your muse. Become a better you is. More successful or in better shape etc. Make goals for yourself and keep upgrading your lifestyle. But don't fall for this trap honey. You don't wanna get your hands dirty there. Just keep getting better! You can do better!

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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    I would set boundaries and rules, and tell him to divorce and proceed, or you'll walk. You can always be friends, but I wouldn't cross into anything more than that. I honestly do think most people are poly at heart, but that needs to be an agreed-on set up rule in his marriage for that to even work out.

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    God/dess CourtneyRaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    I would say write back that you feel it is inappropriate for him to be contacting you like this, saying these things, behind his wife's back. Wish him well & be done w/ it. You were essentially only good enough to be a step away from a fling before...
    Yes! Well I wrote back before I read this, something kind of generic and not talking about feelings, just sort of catching up. He hasn't written back yet (oops- he's home from work now which means he's at home with his fam). I think you've hit the nail on the head. While I could accept being a sort of hidden person in his life back when we were teenagers/he was in college and still relying on his parents' money, I am too old to be somebody's secret. It truly does hurt me to think that I loved/love him so much and he was so cavalier with those feelings. I get that he was confused but you were right, if he was so "confused" he never should have requested the level of physical intimacy that he did. That was just using me, and as much as I hate to admit it, because I don't think it was malicious on his part, I can see that now.

    He may be unhappy with his current wiife and is now realizing you are the one. But shit he is married. If he did leave his wife and kid, do you want to bear the burden of being a homewrecker and experience the fallout of his marriage?
    I wonder if maybe he is getting bored with his wife and that's why he's chosen to contact me now. I don't have children but I can imagine that being a professional with a toddler has got to make an impact on how one interacts with her husband as compared to being newlyweds without a child. Perhaps I represent to him a time in his life when options were limitless- I know that's what he represents for me. Even so, he committed to her and he needs to honor that. If he came to me as a divorced guy with a kid things would be different, but he's coming to me as a married man whom I have a hunch is not being forthcoming with his wife. If they split (which I DOUBT, if for no other reason than his upbringing and culture) I would not feel responsible for that, because honestly? He and I were great together and I think it should have been us this whole time. But, I can't be the one to decide that he should terminate things with his wife, and I can't even be a contributing factor.

    I would set boundaries and rules, and tell him to divorce and proceed, or you'll walk. You can always be friends, but I wouldn't cross into anything more than that. I honestly do think most people are poly at heart, but that needs to be an agreed-on set up rule in his marriage for that to even work out.
    Oh Glamour, I am so the opposite of poly at heart that I have been single for years, one of the reasons being that I don't want to deal with stupid situations like this There is no way I could tell him we can only talk if he divorces, primarily because I don't want him to think that I am urging him to divorce his wife. I know in my heart that the two of them will never be as close as he and I are. We share a cosmic bond. I can't even be jealous of her because in the grand scheme of things I know that he and I are entangled, I've known it for a dozen years, and even if we go off and fall in love with other people it will never hold a candle to the connection we have. So I don't want to be "that girl" who's holding ultimatums. I'd love to have him in my life in some capacity because he makes me smile in my heart, but the more I read and reply to your messages the more I realize that's not in the best interest of all parties involved, and this isn't about just me and him anymore.

    I guess I am still just wondering WHY. It shouldn't matter, but it does. Why is *now* the right time for us to reconnect, after all of this?

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    God/dess CourtneyRaine's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    It feels like things are escalating quickly with this situation. I got an email from him this morning and the first words were "you have me," and how I still know him so well after all these years and I can pick up on the tiniest things to know what he is feeling. He mentioned feeling like he's forgotten his purpose in life and perhaps he wanted to contact me to give him a connection back to himself. We were that close, you know- we had this level of intimacy that is completely Divine even though we never consummated that with full sexual intimacy. I just feel.... Like what was the point of committing yourself to someone else in marriage if you feel like another person is the one who fulfills you in such a meaningful way? It's just so unfair to everyone involved. He mentioned regrets and feeling like he's made a wrong turn in life and I can't help but wonder if he was speaking strictly professionally/academically, or if that stands for his personal life as well.

    He also went on to ask me to send him a picture, because he wants to see what I look like now (it's been 5 years).

    I wrote back about a lot of philosophical things, and mentioned that I would have to take a picture for him but I'm not sure how appropriate it would be, or how appropriate any of this is. I can't say that we can only talk if we can be "just friends" because our connection has Always been otherworldly and I don't think it could be limited to the confines of a typical friendship. It's like go hard or go home. All in, or walk away completely.

    I don't know what he wants, and I don't have the guts to ask him, but I find myself wondering about his wife and how solid their relationship is. I wonder if he feels a different type of connection with her and is content in their relationship, or if the change he is desperate to make in his life somehow has to do with me. I just want what's best for him, and as far as spiritual development I KNOW that is me, but I question if I could give him the type of temporal life that his nice Indian PhD wife could. I don't know. I guess I just needed a place to write this all down and get it out.

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    Featured Member Vamp's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    Quote Originally Posted by CourtneyRaine View Post
    It feels like things are escalating quickly with this situation. I got an email from him this morning and the first words were "you have me," and how I still know him so well after all these years and I can pick up on the tiniest things to know what he is feeling. He mentioned feeling like he's forgotten his purpose in life and perhaps he wanted to contact me to give him a connection back to himself. We were that close, you know- we had this level of intimacy that is completely Divine even though we never consummated that with full sexual intimacy. I just feel.... Like what was the point of committing yourself to someone else in marriage if you feel like another person is the one who fulfills you in such a meaningful way? It's just so unfair to everyone involved. He mentioned regrets and feeling like he's made a wrong turn in life and I can't help but wonder if he was speaking strictly professionally/academically, or if that stands for his personal life as well.

    I don't know what he wants, and I don't have the guts to ask him, but I find myself wondering about his wife and how solid their relationship is. I wonder if he feels a different type of connection with her and is content in their relationship, or if the change he is desperate to make in his life somehow has to do with me. I just want what's best for him, and as far as spiritual development I KNOW that is me, but I question if I could give him the type of temporal life that his nice Indian PhD wife could. I don't know. I guess I just needed a place to write this all down and get it out.

    Yes he is having problems with his marriage. What he thought marriage was going to be ... it isnt. He has lost himself. He wants a life preserver/therapist.

    He is wanting to use you to find himself again. He may not realize he is doing this, but he is.

    Dont let him become one those married men that takes up years of your life with nothing to show for it, except his divorce and the other girl that is his new gf .
    Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them. ~ Mark Twain


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    God/dess Sam38g's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    You were not good enough to openly date when younger, I don't give a fuck about his background & or yours.

    You gave him a bj which services him & didn't get oral sex in return. How is that fair?

    Now he a married man is looking to connect with you instead of his wife. It is a no-win situation for you. He does NOT need pics of ANY kind. Clearly he does NOT value his wife or you. No relationship should be hidden or secret. I get it. Many exes have tried that with me even guys I date want to keep me a secret. Fuck that noise.

    You are a sweetheart & deserve the best, he is NOT your friend by making you a hidden secret in his life. I can guarantee you if his wife was getting sexy pics from another man, connecting emotionally with an old flame he would go through the roof & divorce her.

    You are letting a so-called good guy get away with treating you like a second class citizen. How dare he....

    Do NOT be afraid to voice your concerns cause true friends can. Tell him rather than trade pics why don't WE all wife/your guy & all of us go to dinner one night. See how he reacts then, cause it will never happen. Proving his intentions are NOT good.

    Want to know the connection he wants with you? His dick with your lips. You are his go to gal for his ego, he is putting this ego/dick before what is best for you, his wife & kid. Which is NOT true friendship. Never ceases to amaze me just how selfish men can be, how using another to feel good no matter how much it harms the other person just isn't as important.

    Here you on this board, worried & concerned. You clearly care about others. You have more concern & heart for his wife & kid than he does. He is using your generous heart & spirit against you. I believe you know this down deep & why you came here.

    Good Luck Honey,
    Sam

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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    Let it go. Can't make room in your heart & life until you make room for it.

    He followed his heart & married another.

    Let go so you can find your heart with another who will love you the right way.

    How you find them is how you lose them. Guarantee you are not the only girl he has on the side emotionally he is doing this with. It isn't an ultimatum but choosing to love yourself more & deserving of love from a man who can give it all to you not just a part he hides from the world.

    NONE of us deserve to be a man's secret life. We all deserve better. When an ex calls or emails me, I use it to call them out on their past bad behaviors so that they will never want to contact me again. I know what went wrong. Like the one who still says he loves me borrowed my last $20 & when I drove myself to the hospital in intense pain worried about paying the $3 parking lot charge. Afraid to call him & ask for some of my money back then when I did he told me I was faking it for attention. He was to busy doing his laundry. The next day when he couldn't get a hold of me, so called my job to find out I had emergency surgery & appendix out. Then he felt bad. Yeah, fuck him. Whenever this married man Tommy Tokar calls or tweets or emails me I remind him of that. I chose me.

    Trust your instincts. Not the pretty words he writes you.

    Good Luck,
    Sam

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  20. #13
    God/dess laurielegs's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    Please please listen to Samantha. He does not deserve this attention from you.

    It's hard to see it within the situation because you are still dealing with it and can't see clearly, but what Sam describes is exactly what he is doing. Imagine a good friend of yours told you this story. What would you tell her?

    Guaranteed he'd flip his shit if his wife was doing this type online thing with a "friend".

    The only way to save yourself here is cut all ties and see him as the poisonous snake he is.


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    Veteran Member EvelynHeartsYou's Avatar
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    Default Re: Old flame back in my life, but he is married- help?

    This has the beginnings of an emotional affair, for sure. Emotional affairs often begin innocently enough; wanting to reconnect with someone from your past just to say hello and see how they are doing, going out for a couple of beers after work with someone that works in your building, someone you met from church that has a few things in common, etc. The person(s) having the affair are insecure and are looking to fill some sort of emotional void that is often in the form of ego-stroking, and often-time emotional affairs creep up slowly before one or more parties even realizes how far it's gotten. Cheating has many definitions and for me personally, it means hiding something from your partner. It means doing something that you would not do in front of your partner because you know that it would hurt them.

    I can see why he would seek you out. You have a proven intense connection with him that hasn't been tarnished by compromise, paying bills, a sex rut, or constant strict routine for a child. He's drawing from the fantasy that he has of you to stroke his ego in order to ease the discontent that he has in his marital life. But as long as he is married, you will never have him wholly. You will simply be given the leftovers and be forced to accommodate his life and schedule and family needs, and you will be expected to do so without complaint.

    Even if he DID get a divorce to pursue something with you, you might still hang on to the fact that he treated you like a second class citizen in his life. Tell him to keep it platonic and out in the open, or cut your ties. You deserve better.


    "I can fix your flat tire. Show me your vagina" -JoJoX

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