
Originally Posted by
lol1337a
I felt similarly during the few months I lived alone before my boyfriend moved in. I'd drop whatever I was doing at least once a night to make sure my door was ~*really*~ locked, feel a rush of anxiety every time I buzzed someone in without using the intercom, and occasionally check hiding spots in the apartment if I accidentally left the fire escape window unlocked. I woke up from nightmares every few hours (I take sleeping pills to go to sleep every night so that wasn't a problem, although I would worry about someone breaking in during the two hours a night I'm comatose). The only bad thing that ever happened in that time was when a monster roach wandered in and stomped all over a plastic bag and made a ton of noise.
I think it's because we both worked in clubs that were so dangerous to be in. Hypervigilance is a totally normal coping mechanism for people who are exposed to danger routinely and is even moreso for those who have actually experienced harm. Mine has undoubtedly helped me avoid some problems when it occurs at work, but it's obviously misplaced at home. My theory is that the mind turns to hypervigilance not only because of the mental conditioning that occurs with having to routinely assess threat, but also because it leads to behaviors that seem to alleviate threats, and thus provides a sense of control over danger. Anxiety is just the price for a little sense of control.
This is definitely territory for a therapist though. I finally made an appointment with one for next week. I'll definitely be bringing up my awful experiences working this year and will post anything that could be helpful for others. So sorry you have to go through this too.
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