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Thread: too paranoid to sleep

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    Veteran Member starlily's Avatar
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    Default too paranoid to sleep

    My boyfriend is still on vacation for the holidays, but I got home yesterday. Except for my cat I'm alone. I haven't slept alone in forever and it feels like I have a target on my back because somehow, somebody knows I'm vulnerable. I'm so afraid I'm going to look out the window and someone is going to be looking in at me. I'm scared of every object that has a vaguely humanoid silhouette in the dark. I've checked all the possible hiding spots in my apartment and there's no one here but I keep wondering if someone can break in silently without me noticing. Every little sound freaks me out and I am legit scared of ghosts right now. I need to keep checking behind me. I can't close my eyes to go to sleep because I'm scared someone is going to sneak up on me.

    wtf


    Edit: being on stripperweb is making me feel better! Maybe it's feeling alone that is the problem. But what am I going to do when the time comes to turn my computer off...
    Last edited by starlily; 12-30-2013 at 01:44 AM.

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    Default Re: too paranoid to sleep

    I felt similarly during the few months I lived alone before my boyfriend moved in. I'd drop whatever I was doing at least once a night to make sure my door was ~*really*~ locked, feel a rush of anxiety every time I buzzed someone in without using the intercom, and occasionally check hiding spots in the apartment if I accidentally left the fire escape window unlocked. I woke up from nightmares every few hours (I take sleeping pills to go to sleep every night so that wasn't a problem, although I would worry about someone breaking in during the two hours a night I'm comatose). The only bad thing that ever happened in that time was when a monster roach wandered in and stomped all over a plastic bag and made a ton of noise.

    I think it's because we both worked in clubs that were so dangerous to be in. Hypervigilance is a totally normal coping mechanism for people who are exposed to danger routinely and is even moreso for those who have actually experienced harm. Mine has undoubtedly helped me avoid some problems when it occurs at work, but it's obviously misplaced at home. My theory is that the mind turns to hypervigilance not only because of the mental conditioning that occurs with having to routinely assess threat, but also because it leads to behaviors that seem to alleviate threats, and thus provides a sense of control over danger. Anxiety is just the price for a little sense of control.

    This is definitely territory for a therapist though. I finally made an appointment with one for next week. I'll definitely be bringing up my awful experiences working this year and will post anything that could be helpful for others. So sorry you have to go through this too.

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    Default Re: too paranoid to sleep

    ^^^^ This was very well-said.

    I have always lived alone while dancing. There have been times where I would come home from work in particular & be so high-strung paranoid that the only thing I could think of to do was go out to IHOP & get smtg to eat. Did this also when my paranoia was stemming from my depression/anxiety rather than just from my job. This acted as both a distraction & a very real safety net. My logic being, as I was putting myself out into a public place where ppl were around, if on the off-chance that sm threat had followed me home or whatever freakout scenario my mind was coming up w/, I would not be alone.

    Is your apt on an upper floor? I have always gone for above-ground-floor apts since they statistically have a much lower chance of being broken into. Harder to get in&out easily. The foyer in one apt I had yrs ago was also very narrow, so narrow that my broken ironing board (it was permanently stuck open) just barely fit across it, w/ one end against the wall & the other against the front door, acting as a solid barricade. That was just serendipity as my ironing board was brand-new & jammed the first time I tried to open it, but it did give me a great peace of mind.

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    Default Re: too paranoid to sleep

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    I felt similarly during the few months I lived alone before my boyfriend moved in. I'd drop whatever I was doing at least once a night to make sure my door was ~*really*~ locked, feel a rush of anxiety every time I buzzed someone in without using the intercom, and occasionally check hiding spots in the apartment if I accidentally left the fire escape window unlocked. I woke up from nightmares every few hours (I take sleeping pills to go to sleep every night so that wasn't a problem, although I would worry about someone breaking in during the two hours a night I'm comatose). The only bad thing that ever happened in that time was when a monster roach wandered in and stomped all over a plastic bag and made a ton of noise.

    I think it's because we both worked in clubs that were so dangerous to be in. Hypervigilance is a totally normal coping mechanism for people who are exposed to danger routinely and is even moreso for those who have actually experienced harm. Mine has undoubtedly helped me avoid some problems when it occurs at work, but it's obviously misplaced at home. My theory is that the mind turns to hypervigilance not only because of the mental conditioning that occurs with having to routinely assess threat, but also because it leads to behaviors that seem to alleviate threats, and thus provides a sense of control over danger. Anxiety is just the price for a little sense of control.

    This is definitely territory for a therapist though. I finally made an appointment with one for next week. I'll definitely be bringing up my awful experiences working this year and will post anything that could be helpful for others. So sorry you have to go through this too.
    What u said about anxiety being the price for a little control makes lots of sense. It creates alot of unnecessary stress at time and other times it prolly saves our asses from worse possible outcomes. I can relate I just dont have the answers bc it can be an ongoing issue that isnt always easy for me either.

    The part about the monster roach stomping all over a plastic bag made me smile though. I have seen those things...Scarryyy as hell..Hate them.

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