Esp since my roommate left for boot camp 2 wks ago. I am not just feeling his absence but I also had to work much harder at acting like I was ok b/c I didn't want to add to his stress b4 he left. If there is anyone I know who can handle Marine Corps boot camp it is him, but he is still one of my best friends & I am still a little worried for him.
Spent most of ystrdy at a funeral for a distant relative, it was one of the less-depressing ones I have been to, I suppose b/c the deceased was not sm1 I was close to, but nothing starts your wk out on the right foot like a funeral. Then made fuzzy plans w/ a friend who pretty much said 'Ok, lemme finish a few things & I will get back to you when I am done.' I kept myself entertained for 3 hrs waiting to hear back from him then said Fk it since I had an hr+ drive back to NoVA. Getting stood up always brings up sm things for me that are less abt my insecurities than my actual fkups & I cried for a good bit of the drive home b/c I was hating myself so much.
Came home to the xmas box my family sent me & I loved the gifts but at the same time I am having a hard time understanding why they bothered since -- I don't want to go into detail but I have pretty much completely internalised all the negative things they said were wrong w/ me when I was little, & the attitudes I know they maintain abt the fact that I was a dancer (aka cheap hooker/homewrecker/drug mule/whatever else they think was part of my job description)
Also I know sm of this stress is probably hormone-related since I started my period ystrdy![]()
I kinda want to go out for a bit just b/c when my depression starts getting really bad I feel safer being around ppl, even if it's just a bar w/ a glass of juice, but I am terrified of going out NYE. Had too many times driving home stone cold sober & getting run off the road, or run into oncoming traffic, by drunken idiots. I have had zero motivation to eat so def don't want to have anything alcoholic *major lightweight* I just don't know what to do w/ myself. Abt to take on my greatest achievement of the last 18 hrs, a shower! Woooooooooo!!



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