I thought he was so perfect at first- we had so much in common, we laughed at the same things, we were perfect for each other in bed- but then he started getting abusive and controlling. And I like dominant men- but definitely not like this. He would start yelling, then screaming at me for some issue or imagined slight and not drop it. He ended up slapping, choking, and spitting on me a few times. He would swear at me and threaten to break my things. He even threw my computer across the room (in an oddly calculated manner, so as not to cause serious damage) as well as other technological things that are important to me.
And it sucks, because I'm still very in love with him. He still says it's all my fault, though.
I know I wasn't perfect. I was very lazy during the beginning of our relationship and did very little in the way of chores. He financially supported me after I moved in. I really improved at that, but I'm still not too good at following directions- my memory isn't the best- and I was unable to do any of the driving in our relationship after I moved in due to being so scared of him and his reactions during the few times I drove. Being trapped in a car with someone who is at least twice your size and is screaming at you for 30+ minutes will do that... and being slapped and threatened afterwards will definitely do that.
Now we've broken up, though we both say we're still in love with each other, and I'm feeling ridiculously lonely. I really need to feel loved and cared for, and that's not even the worst part. I'm financially kind of really fucked.
As a result of not being able to get a job or work during this relationship (camming = not allowed, and we shared a car with him working as a landlord, who needed it at random times, so full time job for me = not allowed, and suggesting it got me screamed at) I have almost $9000 worth of credit card debt to contend with, my driver's license may or may not be suspended due to tickets I got when driving up to see him, and my credit score is in the shitter. I don't have a car, and there's no way I'm going back to my parents, considering they were the first ones in my life who abused me (verbally and were very controlling). I have maybe 2-3000 bucks I can spend using credit cards. I have NO friends around here. I'm trying to do camming at this hotel, but at the rate things are going, I don't know if I'll be able to save up enough to get a security deposit for an apartment.
I'd like to eventually get back to stripping, which I only did for a week, but really enjoyed and did well at, and I really want a car and an apartment. Friends would be cool too.
For reference, I live in the Buffalo/Rochester area of upstate NY.
Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone here been in a similar situation?



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for you. Jackass. (him)



Hearing from other people and getting all of this encouragement and advice helps IMMENSELY. Even if I can't see any of you or hear your voices, just knowing that other people care does so much. It's been so long since I've had positive, fear-free, meaningful human interaction.


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