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Thread: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

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    Veteran Member aqua's Avatar
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    Default Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    I thought he was so perfect at first- we had so much in common, we laughed at the same things, we were perfect for each other in bed- but then he started getting abusive and controlling. And I like dominant men- but definitely not like this. He would start yelling, then screaming at me for some issue or imagined slight and not drop it. He ended up slapping, choking, and spitting on me a few times. He would swear at me and threaten to break my things. He even threw my computer across the room (in an oddly calculated manner, so as not to cause serious damage) as well as other technological things that are important to me.
    And it sucks, because I'm still very in love with him. He still says it's all my fault, though.

    I know I wasn't perfect. I was very lazy during the beginning of our relationship and did very little in the way of chores. He financially supported me after I moved in. I really improved at that, but I'm still not too good at following directions- my memory isn't the best- and I was unable to do any of the driving in our relationship after I moved in due to being so scared of him and his reactions during the few times I drove. Being trapped in a car with someone who is at least twice your size and is screaming at you for 30+ minutes will do that... and being slapped and threatened afterwards will definitely do that.

    Now we've broken up, though we both say we're still in love with each other, and I'm feeling ridiculously lonely. I really need to feel loved and cared for, and that's not even the worst part. I'm financially kind of really fucked.

    As a result of not being able to get a job or work during this relationship (camming = not allowed, and we shared a car with him working as a landlord, who needed it at random times, so full time job for me = not allowed, and suggesting it got me screamed at) I have almost $9000 worth of credit card debt to contend with, my driver's license may or may not be suspended due to tickets I got when driving up to see him, and my credit score is in the shitter. I don't have a car, and there's no way I'm going back to my parents, considering they were the first ones in my life who abused me (verbally and were very controlling). I have maybe 2-3000 bucks I can spend using credit cards. I have NO friends around here. I'm trying to do camming at this hotel, but at the rate things are going, I don't know if I'll be able to save up enough to get a security deposit for an apartment.

    I'd like to eventually get back to stripping, which I only did for a week, but really enjoyed and did well at, and I really want a car and an apartment. Friends would be cool too.

    For reference, I live in the Buffalo/Rochester area of upstate NY.

    Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone here been in a similar situation?
    Last edited by aqua; 01-16-2014 at 06:15 PM. Reason: weird typo

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Sent you a PM. First of all you do NOT deserve that bullshit. Thank God you left, & please please DO NOT go back..EVER! I have been (unfortunatley) in more than a few of these, even some so called 'friendships'.
    They are NOT worth it ever, for any reason, if if they were the last damn people on this earth (which they are not). They can be very charming, when they want to, trust me & it is a freakin' LIE.
    There is a thread, I have to find it, it is by Optimist, about people like this, how to spot & stay away from them.
    One more thing I want to say, this does so much MORE damage than you can ever realize, & I am just now finding this out.
    I'd suggest if you can to try back stripping to get some money, & cam on the side.
    Good luck, & take care.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Also, http://www.lovefraud.com/beware-the-sociopath/key-symptoms/how-they-blend-in/[/QUOTE]

    If I was in your area, I would go kick the shit out of him for you. Jackass. (him)


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

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    Veteran Member starlily's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Quote Originally Posted by aqua View Post
    I was very lazy during the beginning of our relationship and did very little in the way of chores. He financially supported me after I moved in.
    ...
    As a result of not being able to get a job or work during this relationship (camming = not allowed, and we shared a car with him working as a landlord, who needed it at random times, so full time job for me = not allowed, and suggesting it got me screamed at)
    Don't call yourself lazy for letting him financially support you when he didn't even let you have a job!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by aqua View Post
    Does anyone have any advice?
    Start stripping again asap. There's got to be some decent clubs in Rochester or Buffalo- use part of your remaining budget to go to one of those places and work in the nicest club you can find. The money will come in faster then.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    Also,

    If I was in your area, I would go kick the shit out of him for you. Jackass. (him)
    I looked up this link & couldn't find it, but here is smtg that looks to be in the same vein:

    Whirlerz, if we both lived closer to her I would be calling shotgun to join you in giving him what he deserves.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    If he's abusing you, you definitely shouldn't go back. If you're unable to afford a place of your own, maybe you can find a roommate. You'll also feel less lonely.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Did you know Buffalo and Rochester both have shelters? Not sure exactly how far you are from either place...

    bufffalocitymission.org and abwrochester.org

    Please keep us updated and stay safe!

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    First thing I think you should do is go to the nearest club and audition. Start dancing ASAP and cam on the side if you're not making enough dancing. Once you've done that and saved up some money, look for a room to rent.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    I'm really glad that you had the strength to get yourself out of that situation. I'm sorry that things suck right now, but they WILL get better. They're already better because you said "NO MORE!" left that abusive piece of shit. Optimist has started a lot of great threads in Life Support and Ladies Only sections of the forum to help you make sense of what you have endured as well as your feelings about it, and how to find help. https://www.stripperweb.com/forum/sh...estic-Violence
    I don't have any advice in the way of dancing, but if you're not able to dance or cam for whatever reason, or if you want to show vanilla income on apartment applications (I have no idea what the requirements are in your area for renting) here's a great thread with a million work at home options: https://www.stripperweb.com/forum/sh...ns-are-limited
    Also, GR made an awesome thread about helping repair credit: https://www.stripperweb.com/forum/sh...-Than-6-Months


    "I can fix your flat tire. Show me your vagina" -JoJoX

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Sorry you've had such a difficult time - being out on your own (especially suddenly) is really rough.

    I would find a place on AirBnB, they will be much cheaper than a hotel. Here is one in Buffalo, $25/night with highspeed internet. If I were you I would go there and only cam at night when people are sleeping so they won't judge.
    https://www.airbnb.com/rooms/62240?c...%2F2014&s=jDih

    I've seen a lot of people on the site that are more liberal too - so maybe you could find some people that wouldn't mind you coming home late at night (dancing)

    Good luck! Let us know how it goes!!

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    I have maybe 2-3000 bucks I can spend using credit cards. I have NO friends around here. I'm trying to do camming at this hotel, but at the rate things are going, I don't know if I'll be able to save up enough to get a security deposit for an apartment.

    I'd like to eventually get back to stripping, which I only did for a week, but really enjoyed and did well at, and I really want a car and an apartment. Friends would be cool too.

    For reference, I live in the Buffalo/Rochester area of upstate NY.




    Does anyone have any advice? Has anyone here been in a similar situation?[/QUOTE


    Use SOME cc money to go buy stripper stuff. Invest in your look, nails hair, outfits and go get a job. You can still cam when you are home. Give this 30 days. Cut contact with this man ENTIRELY for thirty days and focus on making money and establishing yourself. If after thirty days you still miss him, then call to say hi, that's it!! (Hopefully you won't)It's like a drug, missing him is normal, you're withdrawing.

    Oh also use that money to pre paid your hotel long enough to be worry free about the rent. Also, get a gym membership and go make friends, idgaf what age etc, GO MAKE FRIENDS.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Good for you for getting away from this toxic guy. I know it's a difficult thing to do, but stay strong. You will thank yourself later, trust me!

    I got myself out of a controlling, emotionally abusive marriage a few months ago and am doing FAR better on my own. I know sometimes you may feel lonely, but those feelings are just temporary! There is a lot of support and great advice to be found on this forum. Some of the advice I got here had profound, life changing effect on me.

    I agree with the advice TheWeirdOne gave you. Use some of your credit card money to get yourself all ready for dancing/camming. Making money will give you a feeling of independence and show you that you will be just fine without your toxic ex !

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    Veteran Member aqua's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Huge thanks and digital hugs for all of you Hearing from other people and getting all of this encouragement and advice helps IMMENSELY. Even if I can't see any of you or hear your voices, just knowing that other people care does so much. It's been so long since I've had positive, fear-free, meaningful human interaction.

    @Miss.dk I actually stayed there for a week during Christmas! To make a long story short, he slapped/choked me after screaming at me in the car for about an hour, so I "broke up" with him and ended up unwisely just taking a break instead, using couples therapy as an ultimatum for staying together. Ended up camming a bit there but the wifi is a lot slower than I'd like... still thinking about going back though, since there are decent clubs nearby (Mademoiselle's and I hope they might let me into the Sundowner as an American) and I'd def make more with them. The innkeeper gave me safety razors, cookies, and ramen as a Christmas present. It's a cute place and I'd definitely recommend it to any of you, as long as you don't mind sharing a bathroom.

    ----

    I've been trying to convince him to go to therapy, not just to save this relationship if that's even possible but to prevent him from doing this to other women in the future, but I think he just needs to come to that conclusion on his own... it fucking figures that the one person who shares all my interests, has a good sense of humor, and is amazing in bed turns out to be an abusive, self-righteous asshole. There's always a catch, isn't there? I probably should've known better than to get together with someone twice my age, though.
    Last edited by aqua; 01-18-2014 at 03:38 PM. Reason: had to remove certain details- caution + safety

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Just take care of you! Don't worry about him, & please, don't beat yourself up about it, k? Good luck w/the clubs


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Quote Originally Posted by whirlerz View Post
    Just take care of you! Don't worry about him, & please, don't beat yourself up about it, k? Good luck w/the clubs
    Once you start banking you will see these type of relationships only affect you on all levels. Hopefully the money will motivate you to do things you like.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    getting with somebody older than you isn't necessarily going to end in disaster ( unless you are very young and they are taking advantage of your inexperience and insecurities). OR with somebody who shares your interests or is good in bed. you will find the right guy for you, so don't give up!! most women have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince, but i am SO glad you ended it with this scum. coming from an abusive controlling family, i notice a lot of girls go for abusive men, and its just continuing the endless nasty cycle of abusive that you need to break!! and as for therapy, never get with somebody you want to change..it most likely will never happen, and even if it did it would take a long time even if he was the one who wanted to change.
    go into the club and bank! good luck getting back on your feet *hugs*

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Good luck with your new life!!!!

    I thought maybe this article /and also, the whole site/ would be helpful to start your recovery after such a tremendous abuse

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    First of all, congratulations, you have already done the hardest part of leaving an abusive relationship, which is leaving safely. Now, is time to focus on yourself. Like others have said, you should go audition to the nearest club. I know you are having a lot of financial hardship, but your life is worth more, so don't ever get back with him.

    Focus on being independent, focus on feeling better and regaining self confidence. I'm sure you can find a support group, or help for abuse women at no fee. Right now, your mental and physical health is the priority. And even thought you're in a tight place you have a few options.

    1. Dance. Get to the closest club and start dancing as soon as possible.
    2. Go to a shelter for abuse women.
    3. With the money you have left, buy a bus/plane ticket and move with a friend or family member till you get back on your feet.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Weird question, but this guy doesn't happen to be named Adam, does he?

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    Veteran Member aqua's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Quote Originally Posted by CourtneyRaine View Post
    Weird question, but this guy doesn't happen to be named Adam, does he?
    No, his name starts with an M, he's a photographer. Black hair. Only saying that so people who may know about him know who I'm talking about (we used to go to strip clubs in the area frequently together).

    And if anyone happens to know his name, if you could not post it publicly, that'd be appreciated. I know he really fucked with me, but I don't want to ruin his life.

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Stop believing what someone says if they do the complete opposite. If i told you i really liked your food right after i spat it on the ground would you believe me? Nobody who loves you will ever treat you like that, and that is the end of it. Being abused is not being loved and cared for, you miss the relationship you invented in your head not the one you had.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    You could ask the people how far the router is from the bedroom you'll be staying in, and get a long Ethernet cable. (Cat 6) They make them up to 100' for like $30. My wifi isn't fast enough to watch HD so I have one from the router to the living room in my house. Some people might not like a cable in their hallway, but I'm sure if you tell them you work customer support and need a faster connection they'd understand for a little while. I also stream Skype & play games - the cable really makes a big difference.

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Quote Originally Posted by aqua View Post
    a full set of teeth, lol.
    Keeping those is an excellent reason for staying away from this ex-douchebag.

    I've been trying to convince him to go to therapy, not just to save this relationship if that's even possible but to prevent him from doing this to other women in the future, but I think he just needs to come to that conclusion on his own... it fucking figures that the one person who shares all my interests, has a good sense of humor, and is amazing in bed turns out to be an abusive, self-righteous asshole. There's always a catch, isn't there? I probably should've known better than to get together with someone twice my age, though.
    You have already done the hard part: getting away and landing safely. No amount of financial hardship can compare to the horror of being in a relationship with someone abusive. Be strong. Stay away from him. He won't change. Trust me on this. As hard as it is sometimes, you must cut him completely out of your life. Of course it's lonely when a huge presence in your life goes away, but find any way that you can to fill it - but stay away from him.

    Not only is he abusive, and that's a good enough reason, but (a) there is the risk of physical harm and (b) of a messed-up on/off dynamic, which from what I've seen, can be a trigger for stalker-type behaviour.

    Please, please just stay away from him. You deserve better.

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    Arrow Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Quote Originally Posted by Clara_M View Post
    K
    You have already done the hard part: getting away and landing safely. No amount of financial hardship can compare to the horror of being in a relationship with someone abusive. Be strong. Stay away from him. He won't change. Trust me on this. As hard as it is sometimes, you must cut him completely out of your life. Of course it's lonely when a huge presence in your life goes away, but find any way that you can to fill it - but stay away from him.

    Not only is he abusive, and that's a good enough reason, but (a) there is the risk of physical harm and (b) of a messed-up on/off dynamic, which from what I've seen, can be a trigger for stalker-type behaviour.

    Please, please just stay away from him. You deserve better.
    Yep, yep & yep.^^^ Absolutely, couldn't have said it better! ETA: When someone shows you who they are, believe them! What Trem said.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Just got out of an abusive relationship, living in cheap hotel.

    Have you ever read BaggageReclaim? I picked out this article for you "understanding your core values in relationships (no they’re not your common interests)".

    "One of the things that people are most confused about and that I get asked a lot of questions about, is the issue of ‘common interests’ and letting superficial things inadvertently get mixed in with your ‘core’ values. Over the past few days I’ve been talking about value and values in relationships, and in this post, I put a clear division between the nice to have stuff that doesn’t actually cause your relationship to endure unless you have the ‘core’ values covered off.

    Values are about what you need in order to live your life authentically so that you can be happy and feel good. These are about your firmly held beliefs about what makes you a person of value and also what you see as valuable in others..........".
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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