I'm a bit tired and stressed, sorry if it's not the most enjoyable read:
Baring it all here. I'm an ex private dancer, i've been trying to live the vanilla life for about six years now and it's not getting me anywhere! I had to take injury leave from my recent profession and ever since (8 months ago) I took on a 40 hr+ workweek at $19/hr which is supposedly only two dollars less than the living wage for my area. I live alone in a crumbly less-than-safe one bedroom apartment and am incredibly frugal...but in the past 8 months my savings have whittled down to nothing! I'm now in panic mode and am contemplating all my options. I need to return to a place where i'm financially confident as it's really taking a toll on my health. Fortunately i've kept my body fit and marketable, though it's on the 'normal' side.. and have enough money for a domestic flight and a few nights at a hotel but that's about it. I currently live in Vancouver Canada where i was dancing years ago, the problem is that i ended up spending the last half a decade in a position with a very public profile and now too many people would recognize me. (it's complicated) I did some research and it seems the massage parlours around here are all full service which i'm not willing to do, unlike in Ontario where the rules vary depending on the girls. I'm obviously openminded but i'm in a committed relationship and he is about as mainstream as it gets- i've tried to hint towards working the industry again and he's made it clear our relationship would be over if i did so much as danced in a non contact setting. I'm so torn, so stressed and so uncertain as to what i should do.
My options feel so limited, but i'm likely not thinking out of the box here
1. Move in with the bf, so my bills would be more manageable. This would be premature for us and i'm worried about falling deeper into a dependency on my current job which is neither desirable, lucrative or good for me. If i did this there is a slight chance i can take loans out for schooling (i have so many programs in mind) but i would have to work on some hefty bills first (an urgent dental procedure and a flight to see my mother with cancer)
2. Fly to somewhere else in Canada and work, either dancing or massaging, in an area no one would recognize me in. I'm also willing to go overseas but it would be more difficult to explain. What i've come up with is working either in Alberta because the flights are cheap (anyone have any connections?) Or combining a flight to see my mother with a stint in Niagara Falls, where i hear there are plenty of clubs. I thought even just a few weeks there could help me get some cash to think more rationally upon a return to British Columbia where i live now.
I haven't danced in so long i'm feeling shy but desperate. I feel like i can't webcam because of the paper trail, the fact it would destroy my relationship and i'm pretty technologically inept. (not to mention i've never even used a dildo!) I probably don't have the right equipment anyway.
In an ideal world my man would love me no matter what profession i have, and yes we've thoroughly dissected this double standard. I'm at a point where i don't know what's more important- love or financial survival. I do love him but i have a sleeping disorder and keep getting sick from stress..which i basically just work through because i cant afford to take time off. Life is beginning to feel awful and i barely have enough energy in me at the end of the week to cater to my boyfriend anyway. If i keep on like this i will eventually have no money left at all, and i really need to get started in other career endeavors, so i need money to even apply for school!
Please tell me what you would do. Am i being stupid even considering risking a loving relationship? My boyfriend has made a conscious effort not to participate in the sex industry but that's only after he finally grew up, so the double standards are still there and it's not like he completely boycotts the industry.
I'm thinking I would love to dance again in a clean club, preferably no contact, in a setting far from my home town. Please, if you have any ideas or insight, I really welcome it!



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