Since I've been working in the club for a year and a half, full time. Forty plus hours a week, every week. The longest break I've had was when I got sick back in December and couldn't work for five days. And I'm starting to hate going in to work.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my job. I love the freedom it gives me to pursue other things in life and also to work on my mental health.
I’m Bipolar II with PTSD and severe anxiety disorder.
Not having a good day? Manic episode? Just go in tomorrow. The money will be there.
But lately I just dread going in at all. And I've been suffering panic attacks before work. Not to mention I’m edgy as all get out and just feel like poo in general.
I've changed my diet to organic and GMO free. I've started exercising every day, doing yoga a lot as well.
I rarely drink and only smoke cigs at work.
I have been med free for almost four years except for the occasional St Johns Wort and medicinal marijuana.
I’m trying so hard to stay healthy.
But lately, I feel so imprisoned by my own anxiety….. I hate even leaving my house to buy groceries or even checking the mail.
Anytime my significant other and I make plans, I start to feel overwhelmed or angry at the idea of dealing with being in public and start crying.
I feel pressured by my bf to see his family but I just can’t be around them….. I feel like this big elephant in the room because they know about my job.
I feel like I’m being scrutinized or stared at anywhere I go (which is partly true because of my piercings and the fact that I live in the deep South).
I am terrified of car rides because I feel like I’m going to die in a fireball of doom anytime its in motion.
I am vigilant when it comes to locking my door because I don’t want someone to be in my house waiting for me with duct tape and chloroform when I come home.
And stupidly enough, an anxiety about lap dances. Like I don’t even want to sell them because I’m too mentally exhausted to dodge both hands and sexual propositions. I don’t feel safe at work by any means because we now have no bouncer and I'm not allowed to carry my stun gun on my person inside the building.
The reality of this set in when I was talking to a coworker and she mentioned offhandedly that she had almost been raped in the VIP room at our club about three years ago. Her stories were backed up. And since this is an extras heavy club, management did not back her up. I was horrified.
Things are going downhill very fast at this club, but where I live unless you travel at least two hours out of your way there really are not any other clubs. And I've put so much time into getting my name known around here, cultivating regulars. It's a very small dive bar that I currently work at, very blue-collar with a mixed crowd.
I want to take a break but I have too many expenses. I'm afraid if I don't take a break at least from this club, I'm going to quit dancing for good though.
I am at a loss for what to do. I've considered camming and tried it a handful of times but found I don't have the patience to wade through trolls and freeloaders.![]()




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) so I know what that 'elephant in the room' feeling is like. None of his family ever said anything to my face but he told me that certain relatives were, ahem, not too keen on having 'that dancer girl' spending so much time w/ him. I am afraid of having a repeat of that situation b/c my on&off bf told his mother & cousin that I was a dancer, again w/o clearing it w/ me first, & I'd met his mother once for all of 30 min & hadn't met the cousin yet. That boiled over eventually & now he knows to keep his mouth shut abt it, but I am kinda dreading the nxt time I see his immediate family, not knowing who else knows or doesn't know & fearing their perceptions of me are negatively influenced by my former job.

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