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Thread: letting family borrow money?!?

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    Dizzy letting family borrow money?!?

    so i've posted here about my mom before. She's gotten herself into a bind again, after getting a DUI and moving into a new apartment. Shes had to pay fees for the dui and is 2 months behind on rent, she's supposed to have her rent to the office by tuesday. Well she's waiting on her car title in the mail to go get a title loan to pay her rent. When i visited for Xmas she was broke and as i was leaving she said "o.m.g i have to cam all month to pay rent". I made a post long ago about setting her up with streamate, well she NEVER gets on even tho she makes anywhere from $20-40/hour and seeing as shes so speratic getting on it's not so bad especially compared to the $8/hour jobs she's had in the past. Well everyday she says she's geting on but never ever does! Not until right before the pay period cuts off and only makes about $120/week.She has resources but won't use them, camming isn't for everyone but if it's not for you DONT COUNT ON IT! go get a 9-5 somewhere. She has another job but it's commision based and is a work from home thing and since she's not the most disciplined it's not making her money.. I've even sent her a logitech c920 that a customer bought for me to help her with the quality of her shows. I've done everything i can and since she's stopping drinking she's so dependent on me and calls me everyday to talk about what she's Going to do..... about getting herself out of this hole but i don't see any progress. I'm afraid she's going to get evicted from her nice new apartment that was supposed to be a new beginning. Where is she going to go or do? This sounds terrible but i don't want to help her, she's borrowed $1,000's prob close to $20,000 from what i know from my brother and she pays his car insurance but other than that doesn't pay him back...... I work hard for my money, i get naked online for men everyday i DON'T want to give it to my mom who's freaken capable. Yes she's got depression and is having to go to mandatory meetings for DUI and pay fees but stiiillll..... She should have gotten a job a month ago and not relied on camming, it's not for her even tho she makes money, she's either too lazy or just plain can't bring herself to do it. Which i understand but plz go get a job. So rent is due Tuesday and she literally started looking for work like 1-2 weeks ago.... i just don't understand. Not to mention she says she has no gas, and her cell is getting cut off, hardly any groceries and pawned her engagment ring from the man she was engaged to before he passed a little over 3 yrs ago. I told her don't let them sit in there and that if she cant get them out i'll get them out and keep them until she can pay me back because i know they are sentimental to her. Anyway I've got some money in savings but i'm 95% sure i won't see it again and that would seriously piss me off and i see it ruining our relationship. I even thought well.... Let her borrow some money and she can pay me back with the title loan but i just know something will come up for why she can't pay me and can i wait a month..... I know i sound bitchy so plz don't judge i'm just so confused i think my brother has enabled her and she feels as if worse come to worse i'll ask my kids and that's just not right..... i love my job but i do it for the money, and i work hard to make my money and like i said i get naked and talk to men all day i don't want to give it away because my mom's been irresponsible. I don't know how Tuesday is going to play out for her if she doesn't have the money...... Thank you for listening to my vent i guess im looking for advice. Do u let family borrow money?!

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    I think there is a world of difference between a loan or a sunk cost. A loan you give in good faith that it will be paid back, even if not necessarily in $$ terms maybe the person pays you back in the form of work or smtg along those lines. Your mother sounds like a sunk cost. You & your brother keep investing in getting her on her feet but not a bloody thing seems to be coming of it, and at this point I would bet that sadly, those investments will not be able to be paid back.

    No judgment here at all -- I agree that family is very important, but sm times even family needs to be allowed to hit rock bottom b4 you will see anything resembling a return on your investment. In this case I would consider a return to be, she straightens out her finances, gets caught up on her bills, & stays caught up. She has come to count on you & your brother bailing her out, the best you can probably hope for is, you guys completely w/draw her safety net & let her hit that rock bottom, b/c it sounds like you have done all you can for her & she has nothing to show for it. Hopefully she finds it in her to get her own shit squared away. You do not owe her anything anymore.

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    You are not being bitchy at all, and never let anyone make you feel that way. YOU are the child here, and you are going to have to put up some boundaries and let her either succeed or fail on her own. I am assuming because she cams that she is most likely no older than her early 50's? If so you definitely need to nip it in the bud now, because it will only get worse as she gets older. You must keep in mind, and even tell her this if she ever starts trying to play the guilt card, that the more money you funnel to her irresponsible choices, the closer you are putting yourself to being in her situation when older without a savings etc. to fall back on when tough times come.

    We aren't all given self sufficient parents, which is why it is even MORE important for you to take care of yourself first. This is not being harsh or unloving. This is setting boundaries. I struggle with this issue with my Mom as well, and probably always will, but at least start doing it slowly and you will get stronger as time goes by. I once had a counselor ask me, "What would your Mom do if you weren't there to help her? Would she survive? Would she find her own solutions?". And as scary and wrong as it felt to me to not mother her, like I usually do, the answer of course was yes. She found a way to make it before you and your brother were working adults, and she is capable of doing it again. Sorry you are having to go through this, and be strong.


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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Thank you for responding, i've talked with my bf and he's great and non judgemental, Even said last night "so do we need to help her" and i know he was only saying that for me. Cause he doesn't want me stressed and i was like "No, Because i don't believe it will help next month it's just going to be the SAME story again, as to why she can't afford anything" This has been going on since her fiance passed. She's always been a hardworking woman and worked multiple jobs as i was growing up. I really really do believe my brother kinda created a monster. Even though in his eyes he was just helping his mom who raised him as a single mother.
    And yes she's going to be 56 in june so your right i didn't think of that if she wants to keep camming she prob has about 4 more yrs. i need to remind her of that.

    You know i was thinking last night, If i was sure this would help and this would be what she needed to get caught up and she would have her rent by next month i'd be all for it. But im not so sure of that..... I've already let her borrow (well i know im not getting it back so GAVE) her $400 this month, she's been calling and is like "Can u pay this bill or this fee for me over the phone" So it's been $220 here,$75 there and another $75 there..... You are so right how am i supposed to set up my future if i giving it to you and idk how in the world she sleeps at night borrowing all that from my brother. He's 28 and a bar tender and im sure that money would look pretty sitting in his bank account.

    I do believe she would survive but it's like she's already giving up, She even said on the phone "Well if i can pay my DUI fees, i guess i'll just go to jail and wait it out there and put that past me" In my eyes im like WTF u have a webcam, a computer and a good internet connection, Why are u so quick to say u'll go to jail, To me she's just having pity on herself..... It's BS and trying to play the guilt card with me im sure! And when she says "I don't have enough money for food" I seriously roll my eyes because she put herself in that situation.... And waited until last minute to think about her income.

    Thank you for sharing @blondebombGA that is good to know your mother was fine, now if i just get my brother on board to stop helping... The one time i did tell him u have to stop, he said something along the lines of "Well that is my mom" and it made me feel guilty..... To each there own but she's not my responsibility......

    Thank you again for your responses.... I needed outside input and you were super helpful!

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Personally speaking, if family members need financial help I always just 'give' them money without expectation of repayment. The one time I backed a loan for a family member, it resulted in tons of hard feelings that dragged on and on until I was finally repaid ( late ). Family members simply do NOT view a loan from a relative as a 'REAL' loan ... that has consequences if payments aren't made, or are made late. And if you have the 'gall' to remind a family member that they haven't paid you on time, you're immediately classified as a greedy biyatch to the rest of the family !!!

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    I think it really depends on ones ties I suppose. My family bond on a broad scope on all sides is strong- if I HAD the ability to donate I would without question and in no need to repay- and or there is usually a return in another form or another eventually. But then again thats my family. No bad blood anywhere, nobody is into anything shady etc so that openness is there. Though in general...I personally am the sort to want to help anyway. If I dont have an ability to give money- I'll do my homework and find a ton of things out there that can help said individual. which sometimes is better when you enlighten them to options they didn't even bother to think of or look into
    ( which is still what Id do as opposed to money if any were the more shady sort)

    My best advice here though will still be ultimately " follow your instincts" as you honestly know better than any of us ever could the potential wins and losses involved here in a way no block of text could really convey
    Hatred does not cease by hatred but only by love; this is the eternal rule.

    " What is Reality? An icicle forming in fire."
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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    What Melonie said. If you can give the money without it becoming a financial hardship for you that would be the best option, loaning money to family or friends is ALWAYS a bad idea.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    not necessarily a hardship for me but taken a WHOLE bunch of steps backward because i think her rent is about $1200/month so that means about $2400 ;/ To me thats a good chunk of money.....
    Thank you again for the input! Aside from money she calls me today like everyday right before my shift and talk my ear off about random things like how comcast over charged her and what not.... and just talking in circles not letting me get a word in. Im kinda quiet on the other end so she says "are you there" and im like "Yes" she says "am i driving u crazy yet?" and i just said "well mom it's just the same thing everyday (because she calls and talks my ear off and rambles about nothing when im trying to get online and work) I said "i love you but it just seems like the same thing" and she took it as me saying u call to much. I txted her a little while after and just said "i love you and am always here for you but i just want your situation to get better, and i dont mind talking with u everyday i just was trying to get to work"
    She took it as if i didn't want to talk to her but thats not it i just don't want to hear the same broken record everyday when im trying to do things.
    I also talked with my brother to see if he'd talked to her and he said "yep, always about money" so i'm assuming along with the $400 i've loaned her she's also gotten money from him.
    I feel like such a bitch daughter..... and that'd i've hurt her feelings, She really is my best friend but i guess best friends are the ones who tell you the truth and they don't always sugar coat.
    Thank you everyone!

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    My pleasure honey. I understand this issue more than you know, and will probably struggle with it as long as my Mom is on this earth.

    One thing I can suggest which I am trying to put into practice, in case it is just too difficult to cut her off completely, is to decide a set amount that you can realistically spare. When she comes to you for $$$ and asks for $250 you simply say, "Mom I can only do $125." No excuses, no reasons...just I can only do ...(whatever your set amount is). You are not lying or being uncaring because the rest of that money is going in your savings to protect your future.

    Mention to your brother that as much as he loves her his middle age security is in jeopardy as well. I get that she is struggling and depressed and climbing out of a really tough place, but she can't expect the 2 of you to keep sacrificing if she doesn't keep climbing. Instead of giving her money, maybe go to an AA meeting with her, or help her search for low cost or free mental health care. Your love and support doesn't need to come as green crispy paper.

    I know all too well how hard it is when you feel your Mom has just given up. Trust me...I am giving you the answers here that I wish I was following full on, so maybe this will help me as well.

    Good luck!


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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    If you give her more money than you can reasonably give her, you will end up hating her for it when you are short.

    Do you really want to hate your mother?

    failure to make appropriate short term decisions frequently leads to failure to get the long term things you want.

    Like others here, I speak from experience, do not expect it to be easy, but you need to look toward your future.

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Quote Originally Posted by BlondebombGA View Post
    My pleasure honey. I understand this issue more than you know, and will probably struggle with it as long as my Mom is on this earth.

    One thing I can suggest which I am trying to put into practice, in case it is just too difficult to cut her off completely, is to decide a set amount that you can realistically spare. When she comes to you for $$$ and asks for $250 you simply say, "Mom I can only do $125." No excuses, no reasons...just I can only do ...(whatever your set amount is). You are not lying or being uncaring because the rest of that money is going in your savings to protect your future.

    Mention to your brother that as much as he loves her his middle age security is in jeopardy as well. I get that she is struggling and depressed and climbing out of a really tough place, but she can't expect the 2 of you to keep sacrificing if she doesn't keep climbing. Instead of giving her money, maybe go to an AA meeting with her, or help her search for low cost or free mental health care. Your love and support doesn't need to come as green crispy paper.

    I know all too well how hard it is when you feel your Mom has just given up. Trust me...I am giving you the answers here that I wish I was following full on, so maybe this will help me as well.

    Good luck!
    Thank you, Yes i just feel like there's so many things i need to focus on that aren't perfect in my life like credit, and student loans and taxes so i have real issues too that need to be taken care of. I am done tho.... I don't mind spotting $100 here and there if needed but it can't be an all the time thing. Im sorry to hear you and your mom go through the same things.... It's such a bummer and i tell my best friend all the time u are so lucky your parents are together and O.k financially....
    I hope u can get into a healthy pattern with your mom too, Good luck!
    As far as my brother goes he's turning 30 soon and had dreams of being a firefighter which i know doesn't pay well so im sure he's looking to his future and thinking about other options aside from bartending. i feel bad for him but i know he also didn't HAVE to help that much! Im going to talk to him more about it and that's a good idea looking for some free counseling or something.... I went to an AA meeting with her and another mandatory meeting when i was in town but i live far from her and see her about 4 times a yr or else i would go with her as often as possible to offer my support.
    all i know is if i ever have children i dont want them going through this....

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Thank you @Olderster
    Thats what im afraid of losing the relationship i have with her because she already tires me out
    when talking to her i can't imagine if she owed me lots of money, i'd be like my brother. I can tell
    he really has no respect for her which is sad but it's because she owes him so much and she wonders
    why he doesn't visit her but i think this is why...... He's pretty disrespectful at times too but i think he
    just has animosity towards her for borrowing so much...... It's a bad cycle.....

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    I agree with the others upthread that you should consider anything you give her a gift rather than a loan. I mean - realistically - how would she ever pay you back? Starting a well-paid career at 55 is difficult even for a diligent, highly-motivated person. She owes plenty of debt already, mostly (it seems) to your brother. It's just not going to happen.

    There are ways you can help her without sacrificing the money you need to take care of yourself in both the short- and long-term. Maybe you can get her enrolled in some social programs, e.g. SNAP and medicaid. Maybe you can help her find a place to live once she gets the eviction notice - which, yes, is likely to happen; I'm pretty shocked that she hasn't been served one yet if she hasn't paid rent for the past two months. It's going to be difficult after an eviction, but maybe you can find her a situation with roommates where she won't be required to sign the lease. She should definitely NOT be living somewhere that costs $1200/month. I agree that she's past due on finding a vanilla job. Maybe you can help her figure out where to apply and how to make a good impression. Maybe you can help her figure out a workable budget for a low income.






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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sabihah View Post
    I agree with the others upthread that you should consider anything you give her a gift rather than a loan. I mean - realistically - how would she ever pay you back? Starting a well-paid career at 55 is difficult even for a diligent, highly-motivated person. She owes plenty of debt already, mostly (it seems) to your brother. It's just not going to happen.

    There are ways you can help her without sacrificing the money you need to take care of yourself in both the short- and long-term. Maybe you can get her enrolled in some social programs, e.g. SNAP and medicaid. Maybe you can help her find a place to live once she gets the eviction notice - which, yes, is likely to happen; I'm pretty shocked that she hasn't been served one yet if she hasn't paid rent for the past two months. It's going to be difficult after an eviction, but maybe you can find her a situation with roommates where she won't be required to sign the lease. She should definitely NOT be living somewhere that costs $1200/month. I agree that she's past due on finding a vanilla job. Maybe you can help her figure out where to apply and how to make a good impression. Maybe you can help her figure out a workable budget for a low income.
    U make alot of good points!!! Andi haven't really done my research in terms other than money on ways to help her so i think i will do that!
    I talked to her this morning, And she said that she's either going to go into a sober house womans shelter ooooor ask my brother to open this credit card account that he is approved for for $6,000 dollars to pay for her rent yada yada.....
    Im thinking omg woman, u are going to suck my brother dry and make him have the same bad credit u are when this is all said and done!!! I want to warm him that's she's getting ready to hit him up for money.....
    Urghhh i even told her today "Mom, what about his future and his credit" and she said i know but.... If i had the kinda money he had then i would help and it's just insane that she can even say that after ALL he has ALREADY done!
    It's like maybe a home wouldn't be sooo Bad...... like u girls said some people have to hit rock bottom and supposedly this home helps u find employment and everything.....and u have to give a portion of your check to stay there. I know it would suck but i never thought about it u are right. She SHOULD NOT be somewhere that is $1200 a month... I REALLY REALLY don't know what she was thinking and i guess i didn't think much about it either..... that's insane, surely she could have found a decent place for $6-800.
    Do i let this woman go to a home? Either way how is she supposed to keep up a $1200/ month place and be in debt. It's just not even do-able even if we decided to to help her out this month. That is HIGH RENT!
    Thanks again everyone, this beats out venting to my boyfriend all the time, and u girls are so smart!

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Living in a woman's shelter might not be such a bad thing, especially if they help her get employed.

    Your brother obviously doesn't have the "kind of money" she seems to think he does, or he wouldn't have to take out another credit card to help her! This is SO obvious. If he has to borrow money to help her, he DOESN'T have enough money to do it.

    I know you love your mom, but she's going to drag both of you down with her and you're under no obligation to let that happen. It's obvious that she doesn't know how to take care of herself, and giving her more and more money will only postpone the point at which she is forced to figure it out. I think you have every right and reason to call your brother and tell him the same.

    The best thing you can do for her is help her learn how to take care of herself. If her depression is really severe, you should encourage her to find a job with benefits and see a professional pronto. She may be able to get treatment that will help her turn things around, and once her depression is documented she may be able to get some aid through Social Security disability benefits.






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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Thank you for your response sabihah (Your really smart btw lol i've come across some of your other posts since talking with u) anywho
    the credit card my mom was talking about was a card that isn't even opened yet i think she was going to ask him to open it so she could use it. I guess it was one of those "Your Approved" things in the mail.... So that's crazy to me and he has savings but no he doesn't have the kind of money to take care of himself and my incapable mom..... (Im super annoyed with her right now)
    She is dragging us down, im sick of her sobbing and saying she's "trying" while she's crying it sounds so pitiful, not to be mean but i am not for self pity at all, i actually hate it.... Suck it up! Even those she's had a pretty rough life start from a young age. But that's another story.
    Now she's all saying no one is going to hire an almost 60 yr old. She just sounds soooo defeated and im over it. She got GOOD news today that the apartment won't be kicking her out for a cpl more weeks and if she can come up with the money she can stay, Which she's saying her car title should be in any day and she's approved for a $2800 title loan and all she's got to do is bring the title to them. but she can't see the good...... She's so defeated and to me she's quitting.... I am SO happy i didn't get that gene....

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    I feel like your mother might be the type of person to get herself into bad situations expecting that others will get her out of them. Or to emotionally blackmail others into getting her out of them. I think you should set some boundaries and tell her you're going to give her the money. She's an adult, she needs to take responsibility for her actions. She could have worked for the money and didn't, she could have not drove whilst drunk in the first place.

    I think she should look into whether she is entitled to any disability benefit due to mental illness, sounds like she might be depressed.

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Talk to your brother. Have a sit down and discuss this. If you cut her off or limit your assistance and he keeps falling for it, she WILL turn him against you in order to keep the money flowing on his end. Not because she's a bad person, but because that's what happens in these situations, that's the pattern, and it's obviously already established.

    My dad just restarted his career at 61 after some hardships hit them. They've always been SUPER responsible with money but had to live off of early 401k withdrawls (with huge penalties) to survive for a while. With 8 children all working age, all willing to help here & there, they still did this rather than rely on us. But the point is, there are places that absolutely WILL hire a 55 year old, especially if she's had a good career in the past.

    It sucks about her fiancee passing; undoubtedly she anticipated living with him & retiring, and in addition to dealing with his death, the prospect of suddenly being financially adrift has impacted her dramatically. But she's an adult. These habits she's in need to be broken, because it gets much worse from here, believe me.

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    Default Re: letting family borrow money?!?

    Thanks everyone! She's actually been doing better, Mentally atleast and got a job going on 3 weeks ago, she's making $10 an hour. she could be making $20-$40/hour online but she can't bring herself to do it consistently. we will see what happens this month, i think she has until March 5th to pay her rent and im hoping she can because she paid the last few months rent with her title loan. So that's great and all but i'd hate for her to have forked over $2800 to her apartments just to get evicted this month Aaaand have to go into debt and possibly give her car up incase the worst happens and she can't pay for the title loan. I just wish she wouldnt have moved somewhere with such high rent. But she is doing better, My brother didn't let her borrow any money so im really proud of him for that, probably the first time he hasn't given in when she's asked for a large lump sum.
    Im really hoping she keeps her apartment it's a nice 2 bedroom and if she can stay on her feet and not get evicted i'll be able to go home for 10 days, stay with her and cam from her spare bedroom while shes at work and it would just be so nice to get a change of pace and see my brothers, but that ain't happenin' if she isn't able to pay bills, we'll see. I'll keep everyone posted! XO

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