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Thread: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Sad Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Ok, I could really use some support. For anyone that has had a breakup and remembers the stages of loss - you know the "how will I live" phase - Please read. I just want input on the immediate situation.
    Please stick with me on this lengthy post I have a lot to cover.

    So I posted not to long ago about my long term boyfriend having a depressive meltdown and we were having money problems.
    Since then, he proposed to me in December and things went well, everything seemed to be falling into place. When he put the ring on my finger I told myself, "This is it. I will fight for this relationship." However, we have lived together for 2 solid years and both have mental health issues; Therefore we still bicker frequently.

    So the argument started because he brought me lunch on his way home and said
    "I went out of my way just for you, I didn't even buy myself anything."
    He goes for a run and I find a receipt showing that he did order for himself. I immediately jump on his case when he gets back because I HATE being lied to about ANYTHING. This led to an argument emailing over the next few hours, with him deciding maybe it's time to break things off. We argue like this all the time so I think "oh he'll come around" and I figured I'd make a change and not fuel the argument. So I'm not going to let it get to me because he's not going to leave.. he's just trying to push my buttons. After a day or so I'm a bit teary and when he comes into the bathroom to reconcile, my stubborn ass pushes him away. He leaves, emailing me about being sorry and I say I'm sorry and I want to tell him to come home, but I'm stubborn so I go to the bar.

    I come home around 1am. I think I was overly tired (I didn't drink hardly anything) Sobbing, pleading until he leaves for work at 7am. I'm emailing him to please just give me another chance. He's not feeling it..... a few hours go by.. he wants to work things out... he comes home early and gives me the biggest hug and I sigh a sigh of relief.
    The next morning he is crying and says he's not happy with me anymore and he wants to move out. I'm crying again. This isn't good because my 4 year old daughter just got home. I need a distraction so we go to a friends and only came back to go to bed until we go to stay the night on sunday. When I got home monday he left me a confusing note about not being happy with or without me sad faces and everything. Saying he wanted to die, wanted to kill himself.

    Here's the deal. He's been staying at his mom's. Only coming home to drop off the dog before work. (I don't think he'll be staying there when she comes back because his stepdad will not allow the dog over) He's taken his toiletries.. even for the dog(this dog is his child) But EVERYTHING else he owns is still here. He won't give me a clear date to when he's moving out. Won't pack his shit. I cannot stop crying every time he comes by. Every time I try to work I cry.. I've cried so much I can't eat and I vomit anything I eat. I have mastered the Kim K. ugly cry! He did take me to the grocery store today because I don't have a car, but he's still firm with his decision it seems.
    I need to know if this is just a manic episode or if he's truly done! Is he trying to punish me or is he really leaving? I can't begin to move on while he comes by once a day and all his belongings are still here! When his mom comes back he's going to have to come back and I can't have someone move in to help with rent if he isn't clear straightforward.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I really feel for u. I am having alot of turmoil with the person I am involved with too. Im sure others can offer u more sound advice, but I want u to know u rnt alone. When two people are frustrated with each other and both have issues especially mental ones, its hard to make it. With him not packing all his stuff up its hard to see where he stands with this whole breakup. Sometimes this kind of situation occurs and its really the end and other times someone just gets mad and its temporary...I know its hard and painful..Just try to hang in there..More time needs to go by to figure all this out it seems from my point of view. I wish u the best..Hang n there..

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I'm sorry dezire. If anyone else is feeling even remotely close to how I am I seriously feel for them. Uncontrollable sadness, emptiness, worthlessness. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

    I am getting mixed signals throughout all of this. I don't want to get my hopes up in case this is really it but there's going to be plenty more crying if I'm going to have to see him for another month.. and my valentine's day with my birthday the next day


    He just walked in as I was typing this... backpack, dog, dog bed and all..

    It seems I got an email as well..

    Don't know what this means.. but I'm not going to cry! probably from dehydration.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I too am breaking off an engagement after constant yuck yuck. I wish I had the energy to tell a couple intricate snippets of the story, of how it went this time... but man it is so draining! Just looking for a female roommie now to share a place with or I'll end up taking an overpriced hole in the wall bachelor unit. Lol. You aren't in L.A. by any chance are you?

    FWIW I think it;s his fault... he started this whole thing with the manipulative use of a lie, and then got so frustrated at being caught he starts calling it off as his brain says it will be easier to go forward alone then keep mending this thing. Meaning like, rather than "come around" and apologize and live with what he did, it's easier to turn it into something to hurt the other person with your leaving...

    Myself I could tell it was really over when I didn't want to hear a sorry from him for something. What was it about? Oh yeah the pillows...I hopped off the couch and one of the pillows feel to the ground. This guy see's a facialist and has cystic acne no matter what he does so something about thinking the pillow was getting "dirty" rubbed him the wrong way and he flipped out on me saying I was giving him pimples by not being clean with the pillows. Total BS. We have new carpets not hardwoods, this wasn't a high traffic area, it was the living room. Anyway then his train of thought trails to the dishes and how he has to put the clean ones away and how hard that is and how lazy I am, that I need to start drying every dish and putting it away when I finish washing. I'm thinking: "Whoa buddy, pillow was on the ground for like 2 minutes and I will and do put them away when they are DRY...what the hell?" He's saying he pays for this, by buying our food and paying the rent. That even if I want to work all day I still owe him that much to not live like an animal, that it's filthy and wrong and ZZZZZZZZ I stopped listening and decided I didn't care if he apologized for this overreaction. I knew it would be bullshit. so yeah...he did apologize about that and it always seems sincere until the next stupid thing.

    Wanting an apology is a desire to fix things, hoping they come around and peace returns etc etc. Well..when you have spent just about every waking moment trying to coax sorries out of someone it gets to a point where you see through the bullshit I guess. I'm very easily lied to I think, I can get so strung along by letting my optimism lead the way out of dark spells (yes some mental health issues here I believe as well) so yeah. I feel ya, hugs.
    "You wonder why the fuck I rap?
    It's deez SeXaY BiAtCHeZ on mah lap!"
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    He sounds very inconsistent with his feelings, not thinking through whats going on inside, and throwing out ultimatums. Me no likey.

    I love this site: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-...-hot-and-cold/ & http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-...lows-hot-cold/

    What stood out "Blowing hot and cold is never a good sign and it is in fact a code red alert because you can never trust in this person enough to know what to expect from them. Your relationship will not be able to have balance, it can’t progress because they keep undermining it, they’re inconsistent (and if you stay around too long they become consistent at being inconsistent and train you to expect less from them), and as a result of all of these things, you cannot expect intimacy or commitment."

    What you want in a relationship: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-...relationships/
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Quote Originally Posted by peachplumpear View Post
    You aren't in L.A. by any chance are you?
    I am in CA, just not LA lol.

    Yeah. When this fight blew up, he brought me cheating on him into it. That happened so long ago and I told him if it was going to be an issue we needed to end things then. Now he's bringing it up saying he'll never be able to trust me. He came home last night and I didn't cry at all. But this morning he emailed me and I'm getting emotional again. He hated my webcam job and I told him if it really bothered him, I'd get a vanilla job. He wrote back saying he was pained by reading this now that I want to listen that he's gone.

    I can't believe your guy got that mad over a pillow..


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I would suggest both of you get sm counseling, both individually & jointly, but it sounds like this is way past anything that can be fixed. Admittedly I did not go back for a refresher of your previous problems w/ this guy, but best-case scenario, he sounds extremely petty & manipulative -- starting w/ that initial lie, then his blowup when you confronted him w/ evidence of said lie, to his statements of moving out, half-assed apologies that do a 180° when you don't fall all over yourself to accept them, & finally bringing up your infidelity. If that last bit is still such a sticking point, he should not have continued the relationship w/ you.

    Like so many things, I doubt this will improve after you guys get married, if you are still even considering taking that step w/ him. I symathise w/ being in a relationship where both parties have chronic mental illness (my relationship last yr, my ex had chronic anxiety/depression + a drinking problem, & I have chronic depression w/ a history of serious self-injuring). A relationship like this can be a constant uphill battle as you try to manage your own + your SO's mental problems & the behaviours that manifest b/c of them. I am really sry your relationship has deteriorated to this point, but I really think it is time to cut your losses.

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    He won't give you a clear date as to moving out and he brought some stuff back with him today? Hmm. Sounds like he is keeping one foot in the door and hoping it'll blow over. I dunno. If he is talking about killing himself, I'd be inclined to say this is part of a depressive episode and that he should get some counseling; he probably has no idea what he wants right now and you're in the crossfire and something to take it out on :/
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Quote Originally Posted by SavannahLynnn View Post
    I'm sorry dezire. If anyone else is feeling even remotely close to how I am I seriously feel for them. Uncontrollable sadness, emptiness, worthlessness. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!

    I am getting mixed signals throughout all of this. I don't want to get my hopes up in case this is really it but there's going to be plenty more crying if I'm going to have to see him for another month.. and my valentine's day with my birthday the next day


    He just walked in as I was typing this... backpack, dog, dog bed and all..

    It seems I got an email as well..

    Don't know what this means.. but I'm not going to cry! probably from dehydration.

    Thank u for ur care . Yea I have dealt with this crap of a situation before my own self. U r still holding onto hope bc u really dont want to suffer the loss. i know all about it. Truthfully, if the guy wants to end things with you then he needs to stop giving u false hope pack allll of his stuff up and leave u alone..Thats the only way ur going to start the lengthy process of moving on. The pain is beyond overwhelming..I know...

    My current situation is a little different but still a bunch of bullshit thats causing alot of turmoil to my self esteem etc...When u dont get the validation and love from a partner and things are all messed up within ur relationship it affects almost all aspects of ur life for some people at least.. And the fights they feel like wars..While its happening the pain and aggravation and mean things said by both parties takes a toll..

    OP, u may be better off without this guy..I have learned as I have gotten older that if a guy isnt really into the relationship anymore he is actually wasting ur time..If the guy...ur bf-- says he still loves u and wants to work through things then thats one thing..But if he is giving no indication of those feelings then imho u got to try and slowly move past him and find someone else where as u can have a healthy loving relationship again. U deserve to be loved and if ur bf cant provide that in time u can find someone better than him who will.

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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Why would he want to keep one foot in the door if he's so finished though. I think he may be in a manic phase.. and his mom has gotten to him. He's very easily manipulated by her when he's like this.

    I know this relationship isn't exactly healthy, but why now? He still says his mind's made up.

    He's still trying to email me to ask when my daughter is getting picked up but I'm not responding. He blew up my friend's facebook telling her to come over here so I don't do anything stupid. She did come by and she said I should probably stay the night with her, but she isn't telling him if she came over or not. She said if he is so done it isn't his business.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I think he's just saying he's done when he's not... like I said, probably doesn't know what he actually wants. Especially if you know he's probably in a phase... he'll come out of it and go "oh shit what have I done"
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I second what flick dream says hes way too inconsistant

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Quote Originally Posted by Selina M View Post
    I think he's just saying he's done when he's not... like I said, probably doesn't know what he actually wants. Especially if you know he's probably in a phase... he'll come out of it and go "oh shit what have I done"
    I really hope you're right. I have never felt so hopeless before in my life.. and if I have, I can't remember the last time I did. This doctor's appointment can't come soon enough.
    Thank you all so much for your support.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Savannah, I am sorry that you're hurting. Breakups always suck, even under the best of circumstances.

    I have to be honest though in saying that I'm not utterly surprised based upon what you have previously posted about him. This type of behavior was one of the things that I was afraid of when I posted the following in another thread about this guy and the potential harm that he could cause:


    This is especially relevant since you have a child. She needs strong positive role models in her life, not unstable panicky men who can't manage their most basic life issues. And make no mistake, his issues are only going to get worse. This sounds like the type of guy who wallows in a victim mentality, always feeling persecuted and downtrodden when he is the actual cause of his own issues, both through what he has done already and his failure to take control of his life.


    If he switches gears in a few days, what then? How long before something like this happens again? Is it truly in your best interest, and more specifically the best interest of your daughter, to try to rely upon him as a stable element in your lives? Between this and his inability to manage other aspects of his life (debts, back child support, etc.), is this guy really who you want as a father figure for your girl? Right now she is too young to have long-term memory, which may be a blessing, but what happens when she is older?

    I say all of this not to be harsh, but to raise the possibility that maybe this is for the best in the long run.

    In any event, I am sorry that all of this is happening and I hope that you feel better soon.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Well, he came looking for me last night and sent me a bunch of emails saying he wanted to see me. I was reluctant to go speak to him for fear he is just stringing me along and I told him so.
    He said he doesn't know what he wants, when he sees me he doesn't want to be with me but when I leave and he doesn't see me for a while it sucks. He's afraid of the change of moving out and being without me. He told me he is lonely and I'm his only friend and he doesn't want to see me cry but he returned my ring and if we stay together he doesn't want to be married or have any kids. (which came as a shocker coming from him)

    I told him he needs to figure it out and if he really wants to leave he needs to I can have can have closure because it's tearing me apart with his uncertainty and all his stuff here.
    He asked me to spend the night because he wanted to cuddle (he is big on cuddling) ....but guess what that turned into?

    Now I feel really bad.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    He is telling you quite plainly, exactly what trying to hold onto him is going to be like. He will not be sticking around b/c he loves you, if he does stick around it will be b/c he does not have it in him to let you go, which is not the same thing. It is the very definition of stringing you along. This is becoming ALL abt him & his needs, fk yours.

    I think if you want to start getting 'closure' you are going to have to do it yourself. Start boxing up his stuff & stacking it in the hallway. If he wants out, give it to him, b/c you def deserve better than this.

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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ITS A REALLY AWFULL STATE TO BE IN,BUT YOU TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU and WHEN PPL SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE THEN BELIEVE THEM,WHY DOES HE HAVE TO SHOW YOU THE 56th TIME THAT HES A INCONSISTANT BOYFRIEND? BE THE WOMAN YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO BE.LOOK DONT BE MAD AT YOURSELF FOR HAVING SEX WITH HIM JUST MAKE THE DECISION TO NOT DO IT AGAIN;TELL HIM YOU CANT DO THIS ANYMORE AND REALLY TAKE SOME TIME TO REALLY TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.SELF LOVE IS THE MOST POWERFUL THING YOU CAN HAVE

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post

    I think if you want to start getting 'closure' you are going to have to do it yourself. Start boxing up his stuff & stacking it in the hallway. If he wants out, give it to him, b/c you def deserve better than this.
    I had actually packed his stuff and put it out of the room a few days ago and he got upset about it.
    He emailed me today asking how I was and I told him I was thinking about him and he said we will just take it slow. Because he doesn't know if he'll ever be able to trust me but he doesn't know. He wants to talk again when he gets off work.

    I'm still bracing myself for the worst.. I am on my way to my doctor to hopefully get something for my mental health. I'll let you all know more as I figure it out.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Senior Member Holly_V's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    He's punishing you. He's not serious. Call him on his shit and dump his ass. What is he even good for?

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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Oh man, now that he's said that, dump him. End it on your terms since he apparently isn't gonna do it himself.

    So now I would like to change my answer, to he doesn't want to be with you but is afraid of being alone and in the unknown.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    he's going through the withdrawals of breaking things off with you, everybody goes through that when they leave an SO especially if you have been together for a long time. so basically he knows it won't work out, doesn't know if he even wants to, but its better than being on his own and braving the unknown. he's using you as a crutch. do both of you a service and break it off yourself for now

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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    The highlighted points are what stood out to me in this article by Natalie Lui;

    "...(SNIP)If he doesn’t have the balls to end it, why don’t you end it?

    If he is not happy in the relationship, why are you still happy with the relationship?If you know that things aren’t working and that he only has one foot in the relationship or even neither of them, why don’t you end it? Why are both of your feet in it?

    If he doesn’t think that things are working, what is it about the relationship that works for you?


    If he doesn’t want you, why do you want him?

    If he is not being the man you thought he was or believed that he could be, why don’t you end it? Why do you expect him to change?

    If his reaction to you treating him well is to treat you poorly, why do you keep endeavouring to treat him better?

    If you know it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, why do you keep thinking that it’s a dove?

    The questions exist because of the lack of responsibility that we have in the relationship – The onus is being placed on him to take action and to change.

    But…

    If you’re staying no matter what, the likelihood is that if a guy turns around and says ‘This isn’t working’;'It’s over’, you will still be invested. In fact, you’ll be hearing him, but you won’t be listening.

    The general response of a Fallback Girl to a struggling relationship or their guy who doesn’t think it’s working or is half hearted? Try harder, self-blame, keep telling him she loves him, keep saying she’s the best woman for him, keep trying to get him to change, keep going back again and again…

    If you’re happy to be in a relationship that someone else has been saying is struggling or that he wants out of, it’s very difficult because really, you’re both co-existing on 2 different relationship planets. If anything, he’s disrupting your sense of reality and this is what many Fallback Girls struggle with. The assclowns and lazy men out there do pick up on this and they get into a mentality of ‘She’s going to keep trying/talking/asking/whatever’ and just go with the flow, try for a while to meet your expectations (if he’s decent) but then come back full circle, or be half hearted or no hearted about trying if he has already pretty much decided that the relationship is a no go.

    In getting into reality, we see the truth, and that involves ‘us’ and it will involve some level of change on our parts. By going along with things and being happy with a struggling with a relationship, you are buying time whilst you avoid confronting your fears or seeing things about yourself that you may need to change.

    As I’ve said before, you don’t need the words ‘let’s break up’ for a relationship to be over. Some are over long before it becomes official, it’s just that we cling, we try, or we even flog a dead horse.

    Many people do end relationships but the problem of women who love emotionally unavailable men and assclowns in general is that when you have two people who don’t want to take the responsibility of ending things, you get a life in limbo. The only way to change things is to put yourself in control of yourself and your relationships rather than giving away your power to men. Don’t be helpless." http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/if-h...-relationship/
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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  33. #23
    God/dess simone87's Avatar
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    ^ thanks for posting this, i have a friend who is this applies to ..to a T!! i was that girl many years ago too

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  35. #24
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    Years ago,in a sales training seminar, I was introduced to TA, transactional analysis. I have always thought it a bit suspect because of my introduction to it, but it is a really useful thought process

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis

    the wiki posting is really really dense, but if you have ever heard the phrase 'I'm OK you're OK' then you have heard of transactional analysis.

    Your descriptions of your situation SavannahLynnn, scream to me that this thought process will help you.

    It can help you understand other people's reactions to you, and how they actually have little or nothing to do with you, and your reactions to other people.

    In the end, it sure sounds like you need out of this situation, and in the end, it is not because he is 'bad' or you are 'bad' or 'good' but because the 'we' doesn't work.

    [edit] in case I am misunderstood this is in no way me saying 'go get therapy' it is just a suggestion that the most basic understanding of the TA concepts can help immensely when dealing with this kind of situation
    Last edited by oldster; 02-07-2014 at 08:41 AM.

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  37. #25
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    Default Re: Update on the situation with my boyfriend. Could really use some support

    I'm sorry you're having a difficult time. Break ups are the worst.

    But... this fiancé of yours sounds really manipulative and immature. He's doing fucked up shit (lying) and then turning around, blaming it on you-- and when you confront him about his behavior he just goes running. It sounds like this argument is really about the cheating and not the lying about food, but he didn't even have the balls to confront you about what was really bothering him and instead ran around like a child. And leaving you hanging, not telling you what he's going to do, pick up his stuff, leave, come back, is seriously not cool. If he really loves you then he should be considerate of the fact that you need to know what's going on between the two of you and not leave you in limbo. His behavior just sounds so incredibly immature.

    I understand you say he has mental health issues and it's entirely possible that he is going through a manic state, but if he's bipolar and he's not consistently taking his medication... do you really want to go through this again? And you say you have a daughter? Do you really want an unmedicated, mentally ill person around her? Your daughter is watching you and she's looking at your relationship, it's serving as a model for her--- do you think that's a good thing?

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