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Thread: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Duh My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    I have a few dysfunctional family members. Mainly the older women of my family have been around my entire life but in my opinion, as I got older, I began to see them as crazy and sometimes bitches.

    In my culture, talking back or doing anything remotely 'disrespectful' to elders is like committing a crime. So I mostly keep my mouth shut but sometimes I have to speak my truth.

    I started to resent my mother during high school years.

    She was far from a role model, never apologized for her mistakes, was somehow always right, and wasn't there for me when I needed a mom to guide me through hellish teen years.

    Many days I could hear her having sex with her boyfriend who she dated for years. He never committed to her and ended up marring someone else. My dad wasn't around either because him and my mom didn't get along.

    She called me an ungrateful bitch once and slapped me in my face right before I got on the bus to go to school. I remember her yelling at me and spanking me out of my sleep for dumb shit like leaving a dish in the sink. This bitch was like Mommy Dearest when I was growing up. And for a long time I hated her. I realized I needed to forgive people so I could have a better life so I put all this behind me and try to be a better parent to mine than she was to me.

    For some reason she has no memory of being a f*cked up mom. (At least my dad apologized for not being around) and Today she got pissed because she said she never cursed at me or my siblings when we were little. I was like um yes you did....I mean serious f*cking meltdown trying to make me feel guilty for some sh*t she did...WTF?!?!

    I really want a normal family. One that's loving, communicating, open-minded and most of all not crazy like mine.

    Now I gotta try and block all this out before work....

  2. #2
    God/dess simone87's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    family pain is the worst that stuff really sticks with you, it fucks you up in your formative years..your mother should be the one person who loves you unconditionally, cares for you, gives you a shoulder to cry on and advice..when i think of what a mom should be its kind of a human embodiment of "home".
    its not uncommon for people to have selective memory, or to pretend to have it esp when it comes to admitting when they did you wrong. i know my parents probably don't or won't remember half the shit that happened as a kid. i was young and stuff that your parents do has a big impact.
    im sorry

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    Senior Member Tarasaurusrex's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    People have selective memories, the best thing to do is to interact with them cautiously. Don't bring up the past, don't rely on them, don't even trust them. You can still forgive them, but don't set yourself up to be hurt by them.

    I can relate because my Dad is a hot mess. He is not only a misogynistic womanizer, who was abusive towards women, and has been married 5 times, but he also suffers from alcoholism, to the point of 3 DUI's and now that he is older, has developed a very red, bulbous nose (I know they say alcohol isn't the cause, but it is an inflammatory agent, so that's BS). He pretty much drinks constantly, but rationalizes it because he is a "functioning alcoholic". We didn't talk for a while, but I decided to let bygones be bygones and reach out to him. Of course he has a new wife, who is a complete psycho (no one in her family talks to her and she can't understand what their problem is, hint: if no one is talking to you, most likely you are the problem, not "everyone else") and a shopaholic/plastic surgery addict. After having a pleasant enough Thanksgiving I visited him over Christmas. First night there his wife starts saying things such as "handicapped children shouldn't be allowed to be born, they are a drain on society, knowing full well my oldest sister is blind). I walked out of the room and my Dad pretended to take my side. Apparently after that they got into an altercation and the next day he called the police on her, to "scare her" but she ended up going to jail since he had scratch marks on him and Florida is a zero-tolerance state. Needless to say I was flabbergasted that two people near 60 (my Dad is 60) are acting like dysfunctional two dysfunctional teenagers in their relationship. I was also disappointed that he would allow her to talk to me in such a manner (she used some choice words, for some reason thinking this was all my fault).

    They tried to apologize and my Dad wrote me a check. Then they invited me to dinner, but on the day of when I called they said they were cash poor and it was inconsiderate of me to expect them to take me out. Needless to say I was dumbfounded, upset, and flat out embarrassed that my parent would act this way. Since then his wife called one of my employers and told them how horrible I was, they dismissed it, because they thought she sounded a bit psychotic and my Dad allowed it. My Dad stopped answering my calls and even two months later, when I am just checking in to see how he's doing (he's not the healthiest man around) he still won't talk to me. I am flat-out appalled at how immature he is and extremely glad that I can recognize it for what it is, instead of blaming myself like I always used to. I just had to accept that he is not a healthy person for me to be around, I still love him and would like to talk to him via phone every so often, but I realized that I can't take on his burdens as my own and I can't be personally offended by his actions, they aren't rational.

    Hopefully you can get to that mindset, it's sad having to do that with someone that is supposed to be a role model to you, but kudos for realizing the power of forgiveness and striving to create a stable environment for your own children. It's easy to fall into unhealthy actions when that's what you've been exposed to as "normal", so the fact that you are reversing that trend with your children is awesome! Keep your head up girl and don't block it out with alcohol or drugs (not saying you would, but I used to, and therefore I now know it's an easy out initially, but detrimental long term). Actually don't block it out, allow yourself to feel what you feel, then leave it behind. LOL, I know it's obvious I've been to therapy with these cliché (but true) anecdotes.
    "I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act." - Abraham Maslow

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    Senior Member Tarasaurusrex's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    family pain is the worst that stuff really sticks with you, it fucks you up in your formative years..your mother should be the one person who loves you unconditionally, cares for you, gives you a shoulder to cry on and advice..when i think of what a mom should be its kind of a human embodiment of "home".
    its not uncommon for people to have selective memory, or to pretend to have it esp when it comes to admitting when they did you wrong. i know my parents probably don't or won't remember half the shit that happened as a kid. i was young and stuff that your parents do has a big impact.
    im sorry
    I swear I didn't parrot you, with the selective memory comment! We must have posted back-to-back and it also must be a pretty accurate assessment of human behavior!
    "I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act." - Abraham Maslow

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    Veteran Member Sabihah's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    I didn't even realize there was such a thing as parents who never physically punished or emotionally abused their kids until I was well into adulthood. My (now ex) boyfriend and his sister - a really good friend of mine - told me nothing but wonderful things about their parents. The first time I met them was when their daughter was in the hospital - we were sitting around and talking, trying to take her mind off her pain. I joked that they were the only parents I'd heard of who never abused their kids one way or another, and asked if it was true.

    The mother suddenly got this very sad look in her eyes, and said - I swear to god - "Well, once I made this very elaborate vegetable dish for [son's name], because he hated vegetables and I thought I'd finally come up with something he'd like. And he refused to take single bite. Not one bite. So... I sent him to bed without dessert."

    I laughed out loud.

    It seems like every time people talk about "disciplining" their kids - which often, but not always, is a euphemism for abuse - they argue that children who don't get spanked/shouted at/etc. will turn into little sociopaths who never amount to anything. But these parents raised awesome kids - they both got into impressive schools and now hold very good jobs at non-profit organizations. One is the president of her organization! And they did it by offering their love and support 100% of the time and talking to their kids rather than frightening them into submission.

    My parents weren't so great. Like you, I've got one parent who's apologized for her failings, and another who doesn't even remember the things he did and said that are seared into my memory forever.

    Some people will tell you that you *have* to forgive your parents. I don't think forgiveness works like that; it's not a situation where you can just say the words and make everything better. When you're a kid, you don't get to pick the people who are supposed to take care of you. They're the ones who had to decide whether they were capable of raising a healthy, happy child. When you're an adult, you get to decide who is your "family." Pick people who help you be a healthy, happy adult.






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    Senior Member Tarasaurusrex's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Sabihah View Post
    And they did it by offering their love and support 100% of the time and talking to their kids rather than frightening them into submission.

    My parents weren't so great. Like you, I've got one parent who's apologized for her failings, and another who doesn't even remember the things he did and said that are seared into my memory forever.
    "Frightening them into submission" that is perfect wording. Even to this day I get nervous if I think I may have upset someone, because I don't want them to come after me, which is ridiculous, because not all people act like that, but when that's the example you are shown, it's hard to break that fear mentality.
    "I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act." - Abraham Maslow

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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Tarasaurusrex View Post
    "Frightening them into submission" that is perfect wording. Even to this day I get nervous if I think I may have upset someone, because I don't want them to come after me, which is ridiculous, because not all people act like that, but when that's the example you are shown, it's hard to break that fear mentality.
    I'm like that, too. When you've done something wrong as an adult, one of the worst ways to react is with uncontrollable fear. But if you've spent your whole childhood trying to avoid being hurt by being small and terrified, it's difficult to learn to confidently take responsibility and fix things.






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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    My parents nvr raised their hands to me or my siblings, other than the odd spanking when we deserved it, b/c they were both very good at putting the fear of God into us w/ just the right tone of voice (no I do not mean thru threats or anything like that). But they are both very quick to write off anything as being a 'mental illness' if it does not fit into their worldview, & that left both me & my brother w/ a whole other set of problems. Idk how my brother deals w/ it now, since he is an even worse internaliser than I am, but I know there are sm things that I can. not. forgive my family for, & that just is what it is.

    It is sad, & it hurts to think abt it, esp knowing that there is no pulling them out of that mindset & pointless to have at them for their actions that are derived from that mindset. Like Tara said, all you can do is interact w/ them cautiously, b/c the only one who really gets hurt when the fur starts to fly is you.

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    God/dess miss.a.p1600's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    Thanks for writing about you alls experiences. I appreciate it and it really helps!

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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    My dad and mom were both shitty parents. My dad punched me in the face at Christmas dinner when I was just hitting puberty infront of all the guests. I was humiliated because blood just started gushing everywhere. He would often spank my sister and I publicly. My mother was also bad. I could probably count the times on my hands she cooked a meal and set the table. She would angrily make a huge casserole and make us eat it for lunch dinner and breakfast until it was all gone, she hated cooking. She never gave me soup when I was sick. I once caught lice at school and told her and she wouldn't buy me the medicine. This went on for six months GUARANTEED until a teacher told her I wouldn't be allowed back until I brought a receipt of lice shampoo and was inspected. Her.solution to my lice was a lice comb...obviously not working. She literally buzzed my beautiful long hair and bought the shampoo only because she tried to send me to school with a buzzed head but I wasn't allowed without the receipt. This was a few months before school pictures so somewhere I have pictures like that. Our house was always a fckng disaster and my sister and I have one mutua memory of coming home to a clean home and dinner. I hear you on they have selective memory. I wonder if my mom really does not know she was a shitty parent or is in denial. I was telling my husband today that I only came to realize my mom was worse than my dad like this year. I sometimes feel my mother never should have had children. My baby sister had all her teeth pulled at like three because my mom rotted all of them. She literally wore fake teeth until 9 yrs old and they are now finally coming in very very deformed =(

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    Senior Member Tarasaurusrex's Avatar
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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    Quote Originally Posted by TheWeirdOne View Post
    My dad and mom were both shitty parents. My dad punched me in the face at Christmas dinner when I was just hitting puberty infront of all the guests. I was humiliated because blood just started gushing everywhere. He would often spank my sister and I publicly. My mother was also bad. I could probably count the times on my hands she cooked a meal and set the table. She would angrily make a huge casserole and make us eat it for lunch dinner and breakfast until it was all gone, she hated cooking. She never gave me soup when I was sick. I once caught lice at school and told her and she wouldn't buy me the medicine. This went on for six months GUARANTEED until a teacher told her I wouldn't be allowed back until I brought a receipt of lice shampoo and was inspected. Her.solution to my lice was a lice comb...obviously not working. She literally buzzed my beautiful long hair and bought the shampoo only because she tried to send me to school with a buzzed head but I wasn't allowed without the receipt. This was a few months before school pictures so somewhere I have pictures like that. Our house was always a fckng disaster and my sister and I have one mutua memory of coming home to a clean home and dinner. I hear you on they have selective memory. I wonder if my mom really does not know she was a shitty parent or is in denial. I was telling my husband today that I only came to realize my mom was worse than my dad like this year. I sometimes feel my mother never should have had children. My baby sister had all her teeth pulled at like three because my mom rotted all of them. She literally wore fake teeth until 9 yrs old and they are now finally coming in very very deformed =(
    OMGosh I am so sorry, especially regarding your little sister, she needs to be extracted immediately from that environment! I love my Mom, but sadly she was ill for much of my childhood - she suffered from severe depression and schizophrenia, as unfortunately, much of her family did as well. She is now very much more mentally balanced, but she is an older parent (she is almost 66) and now has to deal with COPD. So she wasn't able to care for me in my teens so I had to live with my Dad. I was mad at her for letting me be in that situation, but now I realize she didn't do it on purpose and I love her so much and we are really close, when she first got diagnosed with COPD I went to stay with her for 6 months. She did take care of me as a little girl though and always had very hygienic practices and taught me manners. I just can't believe such an awesome women would marry a douche bag like my dad.

    What is happening to your sister is despicable, what happened to you is too. Sadly, your mom sounds like she has a type of borderline personality disorder - she just shouldn't be raising children, as you said. Thank goodness you are the strong woman you are - everyone that is a victim of abuse is more likely to mimic their abuser's actions, but when you rise up and decide to be different it cuts off that cycle and is such a great thing to end!
    "I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act." - Abraham Maslow

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    Default Re: My 'family' is dysfunctional....help!

    I'm really sorry your family treats you this way. My family is dysfunctional and has been for years. Although it wasn't my mother that treated me poorly (she is a good woman), it's been most of my siblings and my biological father. My siblings are incredibly judgmental snobs who are emotionally cold who barely acknowledge me. My real father was equally as emotionally unattached if not worse then my siblings. He had done some really shitty things a parent should never put a child through. For years I was sad and angry about it, and I acted out when I was younger because of my frustration towards him. 17 Years later we now are on speaking terms, however I've never gotten a single answer from him as to why he did the things he did. He knows he did wrong, but he won't give me that closure. So I had to learn to emotionally not let him get to me. When we speak now it's not like I'm speaking to someone I'm related to, let alone my own biological father. It's like I'm speaking to a pen-pal/stranger. I don't wish him any harm, but for my own sanity's sake I won't emotionally ever be open to him again.

    In your case it's worse because it's the woman who is suppose to be your biggest support system. That's what mothers should be, not matter how old we get we still need our mothers love.

    I hope this doesn't come out wrong (please don't take it that way), but is there a chance she genuinely believes she did nothing wrong? If you think this is the case then she unknowingly may not be mentally sound; someone seriously and truly misguided in her own thought process. If this is the case maybe someone can take her to a doctor (like a psychologist or psychiatrist) where she can start to work on herself. Even if she thinks she doesn't need help, she would end up getting some just by agreeing to take part in the process. If you believe that she fully remembers what wrong she did and just doesn't want to admit it...then sadly you might need to cut ties with her. Her toxicity is poisoning your life, and you shouldn't give her more opportunities to do so because you deserve much better.

    You can always PM me if you wanna talk hun.
    Last edited by lovelydancer; 02-11-2014 at 11:02 AM.

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