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Thread: hidden self judgement?

  1. #1
    Member jessajames's Avatar
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    Default hidden self judgement?

    sorry this is a bit of a ramble thread but it is a topic that pops into my conscious every once in awhile... alright maybe a bit more. ok i personally do not judge anyone in this business or industry, and by that i mean ANY part of the sex work/ adult industry. i am so pro this work it isn't even funny, in fact it boggles my mind when other women doubt themselves over choosing this line of work. except.. when it comes to myself. and not all the time, trust me, normally im a very happy, feminist sex worker. i love it. i feel valued i feel wonderful i feel empowered. but then something along the lines of "well if i had a boyfriend he wouldnt be as proud of me as he would be of another girl because of my line of work..." or "do i even deserve to be in a loving relationship when im in such an industry?" and similar BS thoughts will enter my mind. or "how will i ever explain to my little sister what i do,, will she judge me, will she stop loving me?" things like that. not often mind you but occassionally. i'm wondering if anyone else has similar thoughts, or at least random bouts of what i'll call "self-judgement" as well. and if so how the hell do we stop them? i often expect the whole world to accept my regardless but if i dont 100% of the time how can i expect the world to? i think thats the underlying issue and what im really posting about. i feel like once myself, and anyone else who has this problem, ends it then we'll be that much closer to helping end the stigma of us wonderful broads ok just my thought of the day.
    love love love;
    jessa james




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    Veteran Member jadey23's Avatar
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    Default Re: hidden self judgement?

    Oh I feel this all the time.. it's just a part of living an alternate lifestyle. Self judgement can become unavoidable when you're faced with so much outside judgment or are uncomfortable with keeping secrets from your loved ones. I used to lend so much to what other people thought about me because I was afraid that if I didn't meet their expectations, they would abandon me -- so entering into the industry in the first place was a huge risk emotionally. With time and experience though you'll find that a lot of people will filter in and out of your life regardless of what you do. You'll never be able to please everyone, so let that fear go.

    As far as dating goes, there's so much empathy on this board from the girls who have a tough time, including myself, but there are also many girls who are in honest, loving, committed relationships. It's not about what you DO for a living -- it's about who you ARE as a person that really shapes the quality of your relationships. The more you expend your thought energy on loving and improving yourself, the more you'll attract open-minded partners who accept you. It takes serious guts to be in this industry, and that in itself is an admirable and sexy quality that the right person will climate to.

    We all have our insecurities and that set us back, but usually you're the only person who's holding up the microscope over yourself and amplifying those faults when other people barely notice, if @ all. Focus on being a better person than you were yesterday, and you'll become that.
    Unsophisticated in the finest sense of the word.

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    God/dess xxxGothBarbie's Avatar
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    Default Re: hidden self judgement?

    ^ I agree with jadey23, it's all about your energy & what you're putting out into to universe. Like attracts like. Why does anyone close to us, esp strangers ,have to be in the know about our line of work? I've been in this biz for 12 yrs now & when I was younger I'd brag to anyone about this job but as I got older I began to see the stigma that follows this job whenever I'd talk about it & I often wondered if people would treat me differently if they hadn't known. I love what I do don't get me wrong but I have chosen to keep it a secret from everyone new that I meet or date almost as an experiment to see how they treat me without knowing the "real" me... hope this helps hun!
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




    "Respect is a dying art"

    "Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box"


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    Member jessajames's Avatar
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    Default Re: hidden self judgement?

    That just blew my mind! What a great way to put it into words!
    love love love;
    jessa james




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    Moderator Aurora_Sunset's Avatar
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    Default Re: hidden self judgement?

    I've been doing this to myself a lot lately, even though I would 110% support any other woman in the industry into having no shame and just as much confidence as anyone. It's so mean and hypocritical to my little inner me to do it to myself, but I can't help it. A lot having to do with my dating life, but mostly to do with my family. I know they'd be so devastated if they ever found out what I do. It makes me feel like a bad daughter, especially lying to them. Like, for instance, this weekend I was supposed to go up to see a ballet with my mom and sister. My mom brought up that they're also going to spend some time playing in another nearby city the next weekend, and it would be fun if I could join. But now, after I spent all week rearranging my schedule (because I can with my work) so that I could do both, she's now questioning me on "can I afford to take that much time off work?" The honest answer is yes, and I really want to spend time with my family, using my job to my advantage so I can see them and have fun with them more often, but I have to maintain an illusion of not having that kind of money and freedom so as not to be suspicious. It feels so damn stupid to go home early under the guise of "needing to get back to work" when really I'll just be sitting at home wishing I was with them. It makes me feel lame and like scum, cuz when I'm older I'll wish I had spent all the extra time with them instead of resenting sitting around to cover up a stupid lie.

    Sometimes I think I really need to just quit and re-enter the vanilla world to be a proper daughter like "everyone else" but I know how unhappy I'd be (and was for a couple years when I did a short "retirement"). I don't know... I really don't know how to reconcile the family thing.

    But as far as dating goes, after my last disaster, I've decided to not tell anyone anymore what I do, and not really "date" in general for awhile to avoid the temptation. But one day, I won't be doing this anymore, and I'll find someone who can accept my past, and it'll be great, because I tell myself: all the non-sex worker girls I know are just as crazy and fucked up (if not way more so) than any sex worker I've ever met, and if they can all have pretty happy relationships and be getting married and shit, then why the hell wouldn't I deserve it too? I mean, if there are girls out there (and there obviously are, because we are them) who aren't all "ermehgersh!" about sexuality, then there have to be men like that too, right? *crossed fingers* lol
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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