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Thread: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

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    Default 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    I would move out asap if I had nothing to lose, but we leased for another 5 months and I already prepaid the rent to my ex's mother because we used her credit to sign the lease. My ex (we didn't 'break up' yet because I am scared to push it and he probably thinks I'll get over him and accept him back) is away for 2 months, but he will come back and live with me again for three more months. Three more months of crazy. :/
    The problem is that I signed the lease, there would be penalties with breaking it, and my ex's mother (who has my rent money) wouldn't be pleased if I talk to her about trying to get out of the lease or explaining WHY I am leaving. The mother sends my rent money to my ex's account and she seems friendly, even though I barely talk to her. She doesn't know that I was my ex's "girlfriend" and I just found out it's because my ex thinks I am not someone he is ashamed to introduce me to his mother. In her mind, I am just a good friend who has been living with him for over a year (there were red flags about my ex but I didn't know what he was capable of). I wouldn't tell her that her only son is a chronic liar, manipulator, cheater (he cheated on me while he's away and he told me himself), an emotional abuser (he insulted me and said unbelievably hurtful things about me while trying to justify why he cheated), and an ass. She might not even believe me and think I am the crazy one.

    So yeah, once he comes back, I'll have to stay in close proximity with him for 3 more months. I don't think he'll try to steal stuff from me or kill me, but it's *possible* that he will constantly try to pick fights and make my life a living hell (he's petty like that). My income isn't high enough and I did not save enough to find a different place to live right away anyway, so my options are even less.
    My two high school girl friends (at a different state) told me that he did indeed sound like a psycho and and a creep. My ex claimed that the other girl knew he had a girlfriend, that she wanted to "fight" me out of jealousy, and that he called her stupid to her face and demanded her to stay faithful to him, even though she wasn't his girlfriend. If she's so pretty and other guys are into her, why would she put up with that? Something doesn't add up. Also, normal people don't want to 'fight' someone they never met, so either my ex was just demonizing her (and he painted a vicious picture of her to me and I told him I didn't understand why he was friends with her if she was so stupid/immature/drama queen, and that she must not be as bad as he makes her out to be). My ex claims that he never talks about me to her because apparently she hates hearing about me. Uh, ok? Something doesn't sound right.
    I showed one my girl friends the facebook of the other girl, and we both agreed that the girl was pretty and social, and way beyond my ex's league. Such a girl would never put up with some short guy controlling her and treating her like crap. Plus, on her facebook, she seemed really bubbly and nice, and I doubt she would try to 'fight' me. I have a feeling that the "other girl" isn't even interested in my ex nor fucked him, and that my ex probably just made it up to inflate his own ego. Psycho, right?
    My girls both agreed that I can handle living with him just for another 3 months, as long as I reach out to my other friends, hang out with other people more, maybe even rebound, as long as I don't fuck my ex. I am a college girl who has studies and friends to focus on, but I am not necessarily a social butterfly who brings people over to the house. I am trying to get my house clean and presentable so I can have people over. I have no problem not fucking my ex, he creeps me out. If he did fuck the girl, he could've fucked others and he'd me too dirty for me to touch. Also, if he didn't fuck the other girl, then he's a psycho for lying about it and that's even scarier than if he did indeed fuck the girl.

    I lost study time and sleep over this asshole and his "constructive criticism" of me, not only because it broke my memories of him as this patient and *generally* sweet person, but also because I am genuinely freaked out about having to live with this crazy, argumentative creep for 3 months. He claims that he will still love and care about me even if we don't live together anymore. He did apologize to me and say that he realized that I am the girl he wants to be with (and previously, he told me that he's ashamed of me and wasn't guilty about fucking someone else because I am not a 'real' girlfriend), but I have a feeling that the act to coax me back will stop and he will become passive aggressive and give up trying to be civil with me once he realizes that he lost me for good. He might say sorry now but who knows how his emotions will change two months later when he comes back? Maybe he will come back with full-on hatred of me. When I was with him, he was *generally* very good, but it will not be the same after the cheating and the insulting things he said and the 2 months of brokenness and physical distance.

    Should I just break the lease and bail after 2 months (and I may or may not get my 3 month rent money back), or just keep low and put up with the awkward atmosphere for 3 months? I highly doubt that he's going to beat me up or kill me. I feel like he's too soft for that. Sorry if this is just ranting or if it's so obvious what I should do. I really don't know. I just wanted to tell someone. This is the first live-in relationship I've been in. I need a hug.


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    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    What would "future you" want you to do right now?




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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    oh honey I am so sry he is putting you thru a wringer.

    Since your girlfriends already know the deal, once he does come back would it be possible to crash on their couches here&there? Don't break the lease if you can find a way to deal, but spend as little time at home as you can when he is there.

    Do you dance alongside your studies? If you are not already on a different schedule from him, getting on one when he comes back would go a long way toward minimising the time you have to spend around him. Maybe also start storing your valuables, or at the very least your irreplaceables, where he cannot access them if he gets a Super Serious Case of the Ass.

    I hate to also make this point but I will make it anyway: we nvr truly know what sm1 is capable of until they act. I will be the first to admit I have an extremely dark, cynical view of ppl in general but I have also seen & experienced enough that I just do not put much past many ppl anymore. I had an ex several yrs ago that, nvr in a million yrs would I have thought he was capable of the things he did to me. Among other things, he let one of his mates drug my drink, & actually brought two coworkers to our apt one nite w/ the intent of pimping me out for drug connections. The coworkers both had to go to hospital when I got done w/ them. Your ex has def been verbally abusive, from what you have written, & he sounds forceful enough that I do not think you should completely write off the chance of him escalating to physical attacks.

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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    Among other things, he let one of his mates drug my drink, & actually brought two coworkers to our apt one nite w/ the intent of pimping me out for drug connections. The coworkers both had to go to hospital when I got done w/ them.
    Damn I'd like to see the video of that...



    Quote Originally Posted by rosemead View Post
    I lost study time and sleep over this asshole and his "constructive criticism" of me.
    Fuck that shit, break the lease if you have to. Time and sleep lost will cost you money and make you miserable. Put your quality of Life and ability to earn more money in first priority.

    Too bad about the money in advance & that might make it worth giving it a try. But if you do, try to avoid the guy as much as humanly possible. Breaking up with a live-in lver is hard enough without them hanging out in the next room for the next 3 months.


    Quote Originally Posted by rosemead View Post
    My ex claimed that the other girl knew he had a girlfriend, that she wanted to "fight" me out of jealousy...

    ...If she's so pretty and other guys are into her, why would she put up with that? Something doesn't add up. Also, normal people don't want to 'fight' someone they never met...

    I showed one my girl friends the facebook of the other girl, and we both agreed that the girl was pretty and social, and way beyond my ex's league. Such a girl would never put up with some short guy controlling her and treating her like crap. Plus, on her facebook, she seemed really bubbly and nice, and I doubt she would try to 'fight' me.
    I've known a lot of women who liked to fight, including a beautiful girl next door looking friend of mine I saw beating another friend of mine senseless for lapdancng for her friend's boyfriend--who after all did nothing to stop her, and a bunch of girls were just doing this for some of the guys they knew at our party. But really both these girls were just looking for an excuse to kick her ass. And wow they sure did. I wound up bodily picking one of them up from the fight and carrying her away & came close to getting into it with her boyfriend about it haha.

    This was a lot more common in Daytona, there were a lot of violent people of both sexes in that town. But I've seen it all over in certain women. Usually white trash but not always.

    I've also known many, many hot women who put up with shit from dumpy idiot douchebags because they had drugs, money, or were just smart enough to be good at manipulating the weak ones. Then when they did break up, they'd find someone just as bad or worse. Some few are able to break the cycle, thankfully. But it usually costs way too much time & drama first.

    Anyway sorry to be cynical but better to be prepared for weird nasty shit, living with an ex who was even mildly abusive when you were together, and from any new girlfriends he might acquire, sweet looking or not.
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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    Quote Originally Posted by Djoser View Post
    Fuck that shit, break the lease if you have to. Time and sleep lost will cost you money and make you miserable. Put your quality of Life and ability to earn more money in first priority.
    Rosemead, this IMHO. This guy sounds like a grade A fucktard and the money probably isn't worth the misery that you will go through for 3 months, which in turn would probably affect your ability to earn during that time anyway. You have two more months before he gets back - time enough to save up for a new place.

    Good luck!

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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    I agree with the guys. Get out of there. Being rid of him is worth three months rent.

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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    I ended up paying off my ex $1100/month for two months for him to let me off the lease. It would've been even more expensive to break it. He refused to cover the rent himself (totally doable on his $100k salary) or get a roommate, and he was obviously just trying to force me back into his bed so he could win me back.

    Worth every penny. It was a tough several months - I had to stay with a friend, paying my way with loads of design work in addition to my camming, and then couch-surf other friends' places for a while - but that man was on the edge and it would've been a nightmare to go back to him. My decision was rock-solid once he texted me at three in the morning about plans to kill himself and then screamed at me over the phone for sleeping through his text.

    You have a serious advantage, here - two months to scrape enough together to get out. DO IT. You can start over, broke if need be. This is three months of your LIFE. How much is it worth to you to not spend it in hell?






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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    Quote Originally Posted by rosemead View Post

    Should I just break the lease and bail after 2 months (and I may or may not get my 3 month rent money back), or just keep low and put up with the awkward atmosphere for 3 months?
    ^I've lived with an ex before (for approx. 3 months) and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. He was "normal" and we were civil/friends, so I can't imagine living with someone who you don't trust or who "creeps you out". If you can afford to move or even stay with someone else (family, friends etc) until you have another option, I'd strongly encourage you to do so. Loosing the rent money is upsetting, but loosing 3 months of your life to your ex will be worse in the long run.
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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    Get rid of him. Consider the money you loose as tuition, at the school of hard knocks.

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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    There goes $2400 down the drain. As the 2 months get close, I might as well tell the mother and see how it goes?

    My girl friends are out of state. (totally wish I can give them all a hug!)
    My college friends however are not too close to me yet, and they don't even know that I live with a guy. I should really get to know them however, clean up the house, and invite them over for some drinks and TV. I've always been a wallflower but my very awesome girl friend (out of state) is giving me tips on how to be not shy in real life.

    I don't know how the schedule will be once he comes back, as he will have to search for a new job (I know, he does sound like a loser the more I talk about him). I am hoping he gets busy soon so I don't have to deal with him.

    My ex described the girl as ghetto, and even told her how I am smarter and more mature than her. If he really told her that, maybe this is why she resents me (I hope she realizes that he's the ass she should fight, not me). At the same time, he told me that she's just a side girl and that he would pick me over her any day "even though she is prettier than you". I have nothing against this poor girl. I am disgusted with my ex that he would find it acceptable to make her a "side girl" yet demand to be her first priority, while he himself gets to have two girls at once. And then tell me that she is prettier. It's like he's trying to make us hate each other without seeing each other.

    My ex said that the girl was in an abusive relationship beforehand (if he is telling the truth). If that is true, then I can see why a good looking girl with a lot of friends would still settle for an ass like my ex even if there are taller, kinder, handsomer guys around. If my ex really did befriend and manipulate this girl into fucking him bareback, then I applaud him for doing it with neither drugs, money, nor the height because he has none of those. I agree about the jumping from one bad guy to the next. Yet at the same time, if she was being chased and fought over by other guys, why would she choose my ex? He said that he was 'competing' with other guys and he told me, "why do you think she chose me over the other guys? Because I am blablabla". It sounded like he was trying to describe a bunch of wolves trying to mate on the Discovery Channel. lol!

    I looked at group pictures including the girl and my ex. There seems to be no sign of them being intimate or close to each other, and she seems to hang out more with other girls. I have a feeling that my ex just fabricated the "this cute girl is totally into me".

    Trying to hide my valuables will be a pain. I actually have access to his checkbook and his valuables (he trusts me a lot). I don't know how low someone can go, but I hope he will reciprocate the same amount of decency and respect I had for his possessions while he was gone. Maybe he'll accuse me of stealing stuff. Ugh. Trying to move everything (I have more furniture than he does) will leave the house freakin empty. I rather kick HIM out. I guess I must do what I have to do.
    Last edited by Cashmere Star; 02-13-2014 at 12:48 AM.


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    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    What would "future you" want you to do right now?




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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    It's totally NORMAL to think a lot about "the other girl" and try to understand who she really is and why this is happening to you - but you'll probably never get answers that satisfy you. I've totally been there, trying to come up with some grand, solid explanation for the situation. It's a compulsion. It'll never make you happy. At some point, you'll just move on and live without all the answers. I'm not telling you that's what you *should* do, because I'm not even sure it's possible to just will yourself into not thinking about it anymore - but eventually you'll stop needing to know, and it'll make you a lot happier.

    $2400 is a lot of money, but it's not too much to pay to get three months of your life back. Think of it as a $27/day fee for your freedom, your independence, your emotional and physical safety, and the opportunity to find people (including, possibly, another partner) who care about you and foster your wellbeing.






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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    OP, this situation is nearly identical to yours just last year.

    Broke up late Jan....I moved out early April.

    It was the worst thing I could have done, staying there. His "constructive" criticism was telling me how fat I am, etc. The whole experience wreaked havoc on the good things in my life, and I see that's what's happening with you....losing sleep, detracting from your focus on school. It will distract you immensely and the stress of this one shitty thing, but still a HUGE thing in one's life - will eat at you slowly.

    I wish I had sucked it up and slept on friends couches, despite not wanting to ask for help or be intrusive on others.
    I hate to be so negative. I just want you to have the chance to not implode like I did.
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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    I will probably never know what the other girl's like. I just pity the girl and hope she'd run for the hills if she's not the bitch that he made her out to be, but it's not my battle. My girl friends highly doubt that she's even involved with him. One thing that IS true that he's an ass to be kicked.

    My ex told me that if I really want to not live with him anymore, he can leave in order to respect my decision. The place is too expensive for him anyway (he complains about the rent). Gee, I wonder how true he will keep to his words though. He payed me back when he borrowed money, helped me out, and did other responsible things (no one is 100% bad) but now that we're no longer trusty allies, who knows how he'll act? He also probably thinks he still has a chance with me because he was often a dick before he left (all verbal) and I told him I don't want to live with him anymore, and he apologized and nothing ever happen after. I sound like a doormat and really, I was.

    If I am going to move out anyway, should I tell the mother that I am moving out because my ex cheated on me and see if I can get the money back? I'll never see these people again if I move. I don't think the landowner cares whether I actually live in the place or not, as long as she gets her payment. I am not sure if my ex and his mom would be willing to pay for my part of the money for the extra 3 months, they'll have to get another roommate.


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    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    What would "future you" want you to do right now?




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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    Thanks MellyMay. I have a feeling he won't continue with his 'criticisms' but keep his distance. Which I really prefer.

    Ohhh and to the other people who said they had to live with their ex before: if you don't mind, care to share what happen? Like, did they put weird stuff in your food or did your items strangely go 'missing'? I want to hear some stories of what could possibly happen so I can have an arsenal of "this can happen to me".

    I realized how much this bastard stripped my confidence. I was better at drawing than he is, made more money with my art too, and I stopped drawing regularly after I met him. It totally passed over my head that he destroyed my confidence. I am going to be showing my artwork to my NEW friends soon.

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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    I can't entirely blame the ex for all of the things that spiraled out of control during the time i was still living there, but it had such a profound, all encompassing effect on almost every aspect of my life. Please beleive me, I am not trying to only present the bad side. It took months of "recovery" but I'm feeling better & more...motivated(?) now....or...more sure that I never want to return to such a situation.

    Pretty much the first 6 mos of 2013:
    -broke up, was made to feel like a whore on a daily basis
    -the weird thing he held over me like we MIGHT get back together despite no intentions of it. Stringing someone along is scummy.
    -I began letting the stress affect my then IRL/vanilla job, which happened to be the best company i've ever experienced with the most amazing benefits.
    -started showing up late, calling in sick, having panic attacks at work
    -eventually, I was let go.
    -no income except the then unemploymy. checks
    -stopped spending time w/ friends
    -dropped all my classes
    -got depressed enough that my Dr. added Abilify to my med regimen only temporarily. It worked but slowed my metaolbism & I gained about 10 lbs.
    -lost my insurance, lost all access to Drs, had to pay $250 for meds.
    -massive hit to my self esteem, and I began fucking dudes I prob wouldn't have for reassurance
    -began drinking. a lot. and blacking out a few times and having those "SHIT, WHO DID I DRUNK DIAL?" feelings a few times. So embarrassing.
    HOWEVER:
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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    ON THE OTHER HAND -
    the positive stuff that emerged, though not as quickly as I'd have hoped but....2014 is looking up.

    -in April 2013 I moved out of that apt of ours.
    -Yes, my rent went up (ex & I had split the rent according to our income so it was balanced.) about twice what I was used to.
    -I became even more aware of what i spend $ on. Consequently less booze (good) and less weed (sad).
    -Had to really let friends now that I appreciate them but may not be able to socialize as much if cost was a factor.
    ^cool stuff, we made it work with hang times at each others' apts, ie dinner parties, game nights, spin the bottle, dirty jenga, prosecco mimosas on the porch, etc.
    -I actually began spending a wee bit of time with the family and opening up to my parents.
    -They had no idea why I imploded.... spilling the beans on all the shitty things I had been through and kept away from them....you know, so they'd LIKE the boyf..... really lifted a weight off my shoulders. So I guess we became a bit more understanding of each other.
    -I now have zero problem telling dudes what I'm seeking & spending less time hoping that those not intereseted in the same might "come around someday"
    -I went back to school full time and am doing well.
    -Started camming! Thus becoming a bit more accountable for my income.
    -I got all kinds of support on SW.
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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    well, shit. All that (the con list) because you stayed with your ex? sigh... I can sort of see myself going through some of the list myself if I stay.

    I need to be more social during college.. my girl friend ain't here to help me out lol. I should be making/hanging out with more girl friends, maybe even rebound, anything, anything... I already met a few guys and even though I am not interested in them, it reminded me that there are options out there.

    Okay. He called me again and asked me to explain why I wanted to leave him. What has he done so wrong that it makes me want to leave him?
    What the fuck? Isn't it obvious?
    He said I am so icy/hot because a month ago I was sending him letters (he was in BT) and saying that I was happy I met him and stuff (that IS how I felt, even if we had slightly rocky parts too in our relationship). I am a person who understands the importance of being supportive and forgiving, and turning a blind eye to the bad shit a friend (or lover) might do as long as it doesn't cross lines. It doesn't mean I am unaware of the bad things, it means that I have better methods than sitting around bitching at other people to change themselves. I didn't pick on every little flaw of his like he did to me, I never told him that I "put up" with him like how he claims to have put up with my autism, weirdness (because I am a kitchen witch), or child-likeness. I told him that I am a supportive person who turns a blind eye because I know being supportive of good traits is more effective than criticizing the bad traits and he started crying. Maybe now he knows what he just lost.

    However, I can sense that he's not genuinely sorry, because then why would he demand me to explain to him why I want to leave? He then claimed that I must've been leaving just to spite him. So immature. He claims that I also criticized him constnatly during our 2 years knowing each other. I never fucking did, UNTIL NOW. All of my 'criticisms' he pointed out were the ones I just said to him only a few seconds ago on the phone about him disrespecting me and stuff. What a fucking retard. He's the one who got a low memory score on his military test, not me. My "encourage over criticize" method worked with all my friends, but not him because to him, everything seems like criticizing I guess.

    Yeah I pretty much fed him his own medicine. He claimed that he's so attached to me and how we were together for 2 years and I was like "I don't understand how you're so attached to me, we weren't even in a real relationship" (because he used that 'not a real relationship' shit on me several times). He's like "you're like my best friend" and I was like "there are tons of other potential best friends out there, it's not a big deal, you can find someone else" and I was like "why don't you go talk to your current friends, hey why not *the other girl*? Why, she's not interested in you anymore?" and he claimed that she's interested but he feels bad talking to her. Yeah right! He said that he's lonely without me and that I am the only one he feels comfortable talking to, and I told him to get another girl then, and then he was like "but I want to be with you"... Anyway, he was crying and hung up saying that I must be busy.

    Well if our friendship was so important, if he was so attached and cared about me, only wanted to be with me, and if our 2 year friendship was so long and important that he had to ask me "why are you stopping it now", then why did he pretty much tell me that I am not good enough for him? Ha, he gave up the countless number of sex he would've had with me just for one night with a "hotter/more fun" girl who probably isn't even interested in him. I smell crocodile tears, yet the same time I am grieving over the sweet person I *thought* I knew. He was my backbone.


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    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    What would "future you" want you to do right now?




  25. #17
    Veteran Member Sabihah's Avatar
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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    I can relate to so much of that from my own experience, especially:

    - Him demanding to know why you want to leave, and then trying to provide counter-evidence by recounting things you said/did for him in the past. I remember finding that really weird when it was happening to me, too - it's not like I was going to think, "Oh, right, I did say that/do that thing a month ago; I guess I want to stay after all!"

    - Him telling you why you're leaving (because obviously he must know better than you do what your own reasons are) and then trying to move the conversation away from his own flaws by pointing out some of yours (any that he can think of, legitimate or otherwise).

    - Him changing his tune re: how much the relationship means to him... but only after you've indicated that it's over.

    It's just scattershot. He's saying anything he can think of and hoping that something will stick. He'll cry and tell you how much you mean to him, because maybe he can get you to feel sorry for him. He'll point out your flaws and prior mistakes, because maybe you'll reconsider if you feel guilty and/or start believing nobody else will have you. It's not productive. It's a manipulative reflex.

    If he were worth keeping, this is not how this conversation would be going. He'd be carefully listening to your reasons, asking you if you if you wanted to let him try to fix things (with "no" being an acceptable answer), and then - if "yes" - proposing reasonable and feasible solutions.

    When my last boyfriend/best friend (not the one I've been posting about) told me he wasn't happy and thought we should end things, I said "okay, I'm really, really sad about that; can we talk about it after I cool off?" And then we talked. I told him some ideas I had for improving myself so my issues didn't affect him so much, but I said that if he still wanted to go, I'd help him move. I even offered to give him some short-term financial help, since I'd been the one working and he'd been doing all the housework and other tasks I didn't want to do (including working on a bunch of my side-projects that helped boost my income). I told him that it would probably take me a while to get a handle on my issues, but if he was willing to try staying a little longer the offer to help him move out would always be on the table if he changed his mind. We're still living together TODAY, because I didn't try to emotionally manipulate him, I worked HARD on the issues that were hurting him, and I always let him know that I'd find a way to be okay with whatever decision he made for his own life. We're platonic roommates now, but our friendship has really blossomed, we've started working on more joint projects, and we're both happier and more productive. I've definitely learned that really caring about someone requires both the willingness to work hard on yourself and the willingness to let them go if that's really what's best for them. It doesn't seem like this guy has either of these traits.






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  27. #18
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    Default Re: 3 more months of lease with crazy ex-bf (rant)

    It's like, great, now not only do I get to deal with a sociopath, I get to deal with a dumbass too.

    He does both - reason it out and accept no for an answer, tell me that he'll give me my rent money back and buy my furniture from me so I don't have to move them, and then in a few seconds try to talk me back into staying, saying that I must be moving just to spite him because staying is clearly more convenient especially since I live near school.

    I think my ex will be even shitty as a friend. His rationale and everything - wow I can't even.

    I am already decided to move, I am just grieving over the guy I thought I knew and my lack of social support.


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    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    What would "future you" want you to do right now?




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