I have been feeling incredibly lost lately.
I've been in school to finish a few degrees (all in the same field) and gone into so much debt...to find jobs where either my bosses make my life hell or the job leaves me emotionally unfulfilled. When these things happen I end up quitting to go back to dancing. I'll be graduating with my final degree this May...and I literally have no idea now where I want to take a real career. This is very scary to me, especially because I've used up all of my deferments and forbearances on my student loans.
I've been dancing full time (with brief hiatus periods) since 08/09. I like the freedom dancing provides, but it brings a lot of pressure on me to make a certain amount of cash every month for bills to keep me afloat and it depresses me. Dancing in a state competing with extras and going into slow season makes it that much worse. I also know my body isn't holding up like it use to and I can't dance forever...which is terrifying to me because it feels like my luck is running out.
I feel like a huge disappointment to myself, my boyfriend, and others. I also feel very alone, scared, sad, and mixed up with the thoughts that race trough my head and heart. I'm sorry if this post is a downer, I just feel the weight of the world on me and I can't ever seem to find any sort of resolve that would leave me financially stable and emotionally fulfilled. Sometimes I wish I'd fall asleep and never wake up. Or that I could just disappear.



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