Page 1 of 4 123 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 97

Thread: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

  1. #1
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    So, there's this guy that I've been friends with for a few years-- we have a friend in commons so we've always just hung out as a group, and he has asked me to go to Spain with him for a few days. He's traveling through London to Spain, Morocco and Italy and he asked me if I'd like to join him in the beginning of his trip. He's a really great guy and I now know that he has a crush on me, but for years I never thought he did because the friends we have in common are very Jewish, as in they only date Jewish people and I'm Catholic (non-practicing but raised). Well, I saw him on New Years and there was definite sexual chemistry but I still figured I was a no-no cause of the Catholic thing. Then he asked me out (he is doing his residency in another state so he said he would be in LA sometime in February and he wanted to take me to dinner) and my friend told me he's had a crush on me for a while.

    Honestly, I am attracted to him and I would totally go out on a date with him because he's a wonderful person and someone I could see myself being with in the long-term, but he lives in Arizona. I live in London now. I'm already sad and depressed because I just had to end things with a guy I started dating a month ago who is wonderful and I still REALLY like, and the last thing I want to do is start something sexual/romantic with another great guy who lives across the Atlantic and come back next week sad and depressed. I need to start dating men who are in the same fucking hemisphere!

    So, my question is-- how can I go on this trip with him and make sure that he gets we're just going as friends? I'm going because I have never been to Spain and want to go and I know we can have a great time as friends, we always do, but I'm just a little nervous. He's such a gentlemen I know he would never assume anything would happen, but I feel like he may be hoping something is going to happen or he's going to take me out on a super romantic date or something. I really don't want that...

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to audrey_k For This Useful Post:


  3. #2
    Newbie rum's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    9
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    so to recap you know this guy likes you, your friend even told you that he has a crush on you, he wants to take you to spain - - and so your question is "how can I go on this trip with him and make sure that he gets we're just going as friends?"

    back in the day we would call this being a tease but nowadays we just call it being a bltch.

    0Yx4Ifh.png

    my advice is just go to spain and bang him, you know you want to so dont worry about the what if's, anything can happen -

  4. #3
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    How am I being a bitch? He asked me if I wanted to join him and I said yes. I am paying for my flight and he said he would book the hotel but I'm assuming he's going to ask me for half of what it is, I mean he hasn't yet but I'm not expecting him to foot the bill.

    He has never told me he likes me nor has he ever made any sexual overtures to me (never tried to kiss me or anything, he's shy and he's a gentleman). And he doesn't know my friend told me he likes me. And yes, I would like to have sex with him, but I am trying to be an adult about the situation and not do something I'm going to regret later on.

  5. The Following User Says Thank You to audrey_k For This Useful Post:


  6. #4
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    717
    Thanks
    1,880
    Thanked 1,415 Times in 521 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I have a couple of guy friends like that. Mutual attractions to various degrees and they make for great travel buddies. I tend to be more upfront, just mention I like being their friend and the thrill of having a crush. But mention I'm not ready or looking to pursue anything else right now. I just say it about my guy friends in general and they seem to take it well. Would that work?

  7. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to amberlly For This Useful Post:


  8. #5
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Jan 2011
    Posts
    315
    Thanks
    2,222
    Thanked 486 Times in 182 Posts
    My Mood
    Inspired

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I think you should go with an open mind. Some of my best guys, (and my now hubs) have been guys I've first given the "friend treatment" to.

  9. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Red Velvette For This Useful Post:


  10. #6
    Newbie rum's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    9
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    "And he doesn't know my friend told me he likes me."
    This still means he likes you and you know it, does it not?

    If you already know you don't want the same thing he wants,, then why go to spain with him? Unless you are the type of friend who is going to help him meet other girls, but if not then why ruin his good time, since you "don't want to be more than friends". It is a real heart ache for some guys to take a girl they like to spain only to be put in the friend zone,, and not just because he wants to get some, but if he likes you, and you say he is shy so that means you will really be a bummer for this guy when you friend zone him.

    i'm not trying to give you a bad attitude, just another perspective but imho i think you like the guy, so don't worry about the what if's,, if it works out it works out and if it doesn't it doesn't.

    As they say in spain - salud !

  11. #7
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    717
    Thanks
    1,880
    Thanked 1,415 Times in 521 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    They like each other, can be great travel buddies and enjoy a flirty friendship without either party being used. Audrey just wants to convey this msg so they are both able to make decisions right for them.

    Besides just because now isn't a good time, doesn't mean things wont be different another time. It's just communication andvre

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to amberlly For This Useful Post:


  13. #8
    Newbie rum's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2014
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    9
    Thanks
    0
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?


  14. #9
    God/dess simone87's Avatar
    Joined
    Feb 2012
    Location
    New England
    Posts
    5,171
    Thanks
    7,361
    Thanked 9,469 Times in 3,228 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheeky

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    if a woman doesn't put out for any man who wants her, she's a "tease" mmkay. as long as she states her intentions ( or what her intentions are NOT) before hand she will be fine.

  15. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to simone87 For This Useful Post:


  16. #10
    God/dess cherryblossomsinspring's Avatar
    Joined
    Nov 2010
    Posts
    3,244
    Thanks
    2,454
    Thanked 4,800 Times in 1,707 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    If you know the guy has a crush on you then don't even go. He's inviting you on a trip not because you're bosom buddies but because he has "plans". Also "he's booking the hotel" and I ASSUME..... That's an issue right there. Don't assume anything with someone that wants more. Skip the trip if you don't want anything awkward to happen. Nothing worse than being stranded with "the nice guy" after you find out he wanted to create a situation for you to put out. Yes I said "put out".

  17. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to cherryblossomsinspring For This Useful Post:


  18. #11
    Veteran Member Sabihah's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2013
    Posts
    555
    Thanks
    673
    Thanked 2,228 Times in 453 Posts
    My Mood
    Yeehaw

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    If you're paying your way and he hasn't implied that he expects this to be a romantic trip, I don't see what the problem is. The fact that you know he's got a crush on you doesn't automatically mean that every friendly interaction with him is leading him on. And it doesn't mean you can't enjoy each other's company!

    I have had two very close male friends who were interested in me and with whom the feelings were not reciprocated on my end. I didn't hold it against them (or use their attraction to manipulate them) and they didn't push me to do anything I didn't want, so we were still able to be really good friends.






  19. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sabihah For This Useful Post:


  20. #12
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Dec 2010
    Posts
    571
    Thanks
    107
    Thanked 445 Times in 203 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Be honest w him

  21. #13
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sabihah View Post
    If you're paying your way and he hasn't implied that he expects this to be a romantic trip, I don't see what the problem is. The fact that you know he's got a crush on you doesn't automatically mean that every friendly interaction with him is leading him on. And it doesn't mean you can't enjoy each other's company!

    I have had two very close male friends who were interested in me and with whom the feelings were not reciprocated on my end. I didn't hold it against them (or use their attraction to manipulate them) and they didn't push me to do anything I didn't want, so we were still able to be really good friends.
    Exactly... if he had said he was going to buy my plane ticket and I could stay in his hotel room with him, uhm, then I would see red flags. But he didn't say that at all. And I know him well and he's a best friends of my best friend, he's not going to throw me out on the street or freak out on me if I say I don't want to hook up with him.

    I think I'm just going to feel it out and see how it goes, if he starts to get flirty I will just be honest but nice about it. I'm sorry but I refuse to believe two friends (that's what we are right now, if he wanted us to be more than that he had 3 years to tell me so I don't feel like I'm leading anyone on) can't go on a trip together and have a great time just because they have different chromosomes. We've made it three years being friends without anyone getting pissy or getting hurt feelings, I think we can make it through 3 days.

  22. #14
    God/dess Sam38g's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Miami
    Posts
    5,067
    Thanks
    6,589
    Thanked 26,853 Times in 4,529 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    As a friend, tell him everything you wrote here. Honesty & talking can either lead to ya'll being better friends or a long term relationship.

    Take the risk & talk it out with him.

    Sam

  23. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Sam38g For This Useful Post:


  24. #15
    Banned Melonie's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2002
    Location
    way south of the border
    Posts
    25,932
    Thanks
    612
    Thanked 10,563 Times in 4,646 Posts
    Blog Entries
    3
    My Mood
    Cynical

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    how can I go on this trip with him and make sure that he gets we're just going as friends?
    Painful but truthful answer ... you probably can't !!!

  25. #16
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    114
    Thanks
    110
    Thanked 158 Times in 60 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Audrey, you've been very honest and genuine with others' questions - I just want to pay it back. So take this with the intent in mind.

    I don't see anything wrong with the trip - but I think it would be wiser to address the issue with him directly BEFORE you head out for the weekend. Waiting to feel things out would be OK, if you didn't have any reason to think there was more in his intent, except you know he has a crush on you from other sources. You are posting because you are picking up on a vibe that's probably way more intuitive than you give yourself credit for. As Almost Jaded pointed out in another thread, a dancer's emotional IQ and radar is WAY more tuned in than other people - and I think it's sending you signals here that you shoudn't ignore.

    I just don't want to see you in a situation where he "makes his move" (either directly, which is the worst case scenario if you really have zero interest), or he starts to get flirty, or you walk into a restaurant and find a private table, candlelight dinner, singer and musical trio. It sounds very possible either scenario could happen. And believe me, the romantic dinner scenario is best avoided - THAT would be 1000x more difficult to navigate than being proactive ahead of time. I think you should be direct, honest, and if necessary, brutally honest, beforehand - it will save you from a lot worse situations you could face then (as someone who's seen a romantic dinner gone wrong eating dinner at the next table with the <now> ex, there's really no graceful way out of that kind of mess, no matter where you are - then your whole good vibe of the trip goes to BLAAAAH in a heartbeat).

    It's awkward, but this way, you'd know there was no hidden agenda - or at the very least, you could bust him hard if he got a little out of line (he got a lot out of line, a knee to the nuts works best). I agree that a guy and girl can platonically spend a weekend together just as friends - but here, it's a little more complicated because of his known feelings for you. I am in no way implying you are doing anything wrong by accepting - but because you know how he feels, it's just a lot safer for your well-being, and for his feelings, to address this now. If he backs out of the trip because of the convo - believe me, it's WAY better that he does now, as there's no doubt you'd have found yourself in that sticky situation.

    I get the temptation - I only got to go to Barcelona when I did my Europe trip in my 20's, and it was awesome (that's one trip I'd do over again as a 23 year-old single guy). I just think you've sensed enough that being proactive is the way to go, so you can go and have an awesome time together, with no hidden agendas on his part (and again, if this is the reason why he backs out, then you are WAY better off not having gone).

    P.S. This advice only applies if you are really not interested. If you have even a twinge of interest, and you are already attracted to him, then I'd echo the open-mind approach Red Velvet mentioned. I hope this helps...
    Last edited by gocanucks; 03-06-2014 at 03:58 PM.

  26. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to gocanucks For This Useful Post:


  27. #17
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    ^thanks!

    Yeah, I guess I just don't want to come off sounding crazy and say "look I know you like me but I just want to be friends" as soon as we get in the taxi, lol. I agree it's probably better to just be upfront about it, I just don't want our trip to begin awkwardly. Although, point taken, if I have to stop a romantic dinner, that would probably make the entire rest of the trip unbearably awkward!

    And yes, I guess it's a bit complicated because I AM interested in him. I just know that right now starting something romantic with him would be a horrible idea. I have lived in the same city-- Los Angeles-- my entire life, besides a few short periods where I moved to Canada (half my family is from there). I have always wanted to move out of LA-- I'm really not a fan of the city-- but whenever a transitional period came up in my life, like graduating from high school, going to college, having the opportunity to transfer, take a semester abroad, I ended up staying in LA because I was in a relationship. I have given up so many opportunities to move to a new place for men, and I am now 24 years old, single, and have never been engaged, so clearly none of these past relationships were anywhere near worth me giving up those opportunities. I know that moving to London is going to be a rough transition-- I don't know anyone here besides one friend that is going to be here for the next month and a half for an internship, and I'm overwhelmed with the difficulties of finding an apartment, a job, etc in a new country -- so I'm probably going to have a lot of moments in the next month where I think "fuck it I'm going back to LA this is too goddamn hard." I'm worried if I start something romantic with this guy that it's going to become more incentive for me, in those moments, to give in to that fear and move back to LA. I know I could just look at it as a day fling with him, I just don't feel like that's a good idea. I feel like it would be difficult to leave it at that and just go our separate ways and it might destroy our friendship.

  28. #18
    God/dess Trem's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2006
    Posts
    2,958
    Thanks
    1,714
    Thanked 3,253 Times in 1,343 Posts
    My Mood
    Angelic

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    He doesn't want to go on the trip with you as friends. No guy would ever want that. No matter what he says he would go hoping something happens or to try to make it happen. And then you will have no friend. The idea of going on a trip with a female as just friends is just so completely alien and nonsensical i am having trouble understanding why that would ever happen.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

  29. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Trem For This Useful Post:


  30. #19
    God/dess Sam38g's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Miami
    Posts
    5,067
    Thanks
    6,589
    Thanked 26,853 Times in 4,529 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Thing is intentions maybe all good with both parties, but a kiss.

    One kiss can change ones life wonderfully & life is an adventure.

    Never be afraid of an adventure. If it is true friendship then y'all will remain friends. The romantic in me says "Just one kiss can lead to a love of a life time."

    I've had my whole life changed by just a kiss several times, even though it didn't work out in the long run. I have no regrets.

    Good Luck,
    Sam

  31. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Sam38g For This Useful Post:


  32. #20
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    May 2005
    Location
    England
    Posts
    598
    Thanks
    409
    Thanked 259 Times in 136 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Why don't you just tell him to hang out with you whilst he is in London? Once you are London, Spain is a short and cheap plane ride away so you can treat yourself to a trip with someone who you don't have to worry about sexual tension with.

    Be upfront and honest with this guy - admit that you like him but you can't get into a transatlantic relationship right now.

  33. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to spartaca For This Useful Post:


  34. #21
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    He doesn't want to go on the trip with you as friends. No guy would ever want that. No matter what he says he would go hoping something happens or to try to make it happen. And then you will have no friend. The idea of going on a trip with a female as just friends is just so completely alien and nonsensical i am having trouble understanding why that would ever happen.
    Wow. It saddens me that you are apparently so fixated on fucking women that you are completely unable to form friendships with them. You know, we make up 50% of the human population and we're good for more than just sex and dating!

  35. The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to audrey_k For This Useful Post:


  36. #22
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    114
    Thanks
    110
    Thanked 158 Times in 60 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    He doesn't want to go on the trip with you as friends. No guy would ever want that. No matter what he says he would go hoping something happens or to try to make it happen. And then you will have no friend. The idea of going on a trip with a female as just friends is just so completely alien and nonsensical i am having trouble understanding why that would ever happen.


    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    Wow. It saddens me that you are apparently so fixated on fucking women that you are completely unable to form friendships with them. You know, we make up 50% of the human population and we're good for more than just sex and dating!
    To be fair to Trem, as a guy I'm more inclined to side with his view as a default - not every woman we become friends with have been solely with the future intent to get in their pants. But, we do become friends with women we are attracted to, and do harbour those desires, too. Sometimes they're married, or clearly not interested - and so it's a pipe dream - but one we often secretly hang onto (the recent story with Buffygirl and her "best friend" when she moved back to her hometown is a great example). I know I can be friends with women purely out of platonic interest - but this isn't the same, because he's harboring secret feelings (well, no so secret LOL) for you.

    It's why I really think it's crucial you be upfront with him - is it even possible to do it BEFORE you are leaving (when you're pretty much committed to spending the next 3 days)? I know it's awkward, but it's just so much better if you deal with it now, then the day of departure, etc.


    Quote Originally Posted by spartaca View Post
    Why don't you just tell him to hang out with you whilst he is in London? Once you are London, Spain is a short and cheap plane ride away so you can treat yourself to a trip with someone who you don't have to worry about sexual tension with.

    Be upfront and honest with this guy - admit that you like him but you can't get into a transatlantic relationship right now.
    I think that's the definite angle to take - leaves the door open later, but makes it clear the weekend is platonic. It might also make things easier, as he realizes he still has a future shot (since we know he's into you), but needs to be patient. He's likely to be more patient, and if he's a gentleman as you say he is, then giving him future hope but making it clear you're not ready, that may still keep him interested (which you sound like you want), but understand the timing's all wrong...for now.

    I'll be honest, though - if I was in his shoes, I'd probably be taking LONG showers that weekend in soundproof bathrooms (again, I don't see every female friend that way, but when you're into them, well, yeah, there's a difference)....which is why dealing with this now is WAY better than during the trip, or literally just before.
    Last edited by gocanucks; 03-06-2014 at 06:11 PM.

  37. The Following User Says Thank You to gocanucks For This Useful Post:


  38. #23
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Well at this point I'm comitted-- my ticket was $300 and I already bought it so I'm going to Spain this weekend with him or without him! Originally the plan was for him to just come to London for a day in between his layover, but he asked if I had any interest in going to Madrid and I said yes because I did want to take a trip either this week or next before I start getting regular shifts at a club here. It probably would have been better to just say come see me in London, but I got really excited about the possibility of going there, I've never really been anywhere exotic like that!

    I'm going to talk to him tomorrow... I'm thinking maybe a good way to go about it will be to check in on the hotel, I'll ask how much it is and make a point of wanting to pay him back, I feel like that will make it clear this is not a romantic trip?

  39. The Following User Says Thank You to audrey_k For This Useful Post:


  40. #24
    Senior Member
    Joined
    Feb 2014
    Posts
    114
    Thanks
    110
    Thanked 158 Times in 60 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    Well at this point I'm comitted-- my ticket was $300 and I already bought it so I'm going to Spain this weekend with him or without him! Originally the plan was for him to just come to London for a day in between his layover, but he asked if I had any interest in going to Madrid and I said yes because I did want to take a trip either this week or next before I start getting regular shifts at a club here. It probably would have been better to just say come see me in London, but I got really excited about the possibility of going there, I've never really been anywhere exotic like that!

    I'm going to talk to him tomorrow... I'm thinking maybe a good way to go about it will be to check in on the hotel, I'll ask how much it is and make a point of wanting to pay him back, I feel like that will make it clear this is not a romantic trip?
    If you're going to see him tomorrow, I'd favor being upfront, and not try indirect tactics. Guys are TERRIBLE with indirect messages (remember that part about dancers having way better emotional IQ/radar than guys).

    Something like...

    "Listen XXX, I'm really excited about this trip - but I just want to be clear we're going as 2 friends. I'm just getting settled in London, and I am just not ready for anything serious right now. I really do like you, but I just have to get my life in order. I didn't want to have any mixed messages - as I really want us to have an awesome weekend. I hope you understand."

    And make sure he has enough private time each morning/night...if he's a gentlemen, then he'll still need some alone time being that close to you if he's really into you (yes we're animals at heart, but I'm saying this out of past experience LOL - Something About Mary's scene was so memorable because, well, we've all been there as guys <not with the ear money shot, but you get the idea>).

    (I add the last part as a little bit of levity, but the first part & convo I'm dead serious on, if it's not clear)

    Hope that helps.

  41. The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to gocanucks For This Useful Post:


  42. #25
    God/dess Sam38g's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2011
    Location
    Miami
    Posts
    5,067
    Thanks
    6,589
    Thanked 26,853 Times in 4,529 Posts

    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    He is visiting a new country Why wouldn't he want to go with a familiar face & friend to share the experience?

    There are good guys in this world, rare, but they do exist.

    Romantic or not a weekend get away does NOT always mean a relationship or moving somewhere to be with them. That is way jumping ahead & means you like him way more than just friends & want it to.

    More than likely he does dig you, thinks it will be a fun weekend & if you have sex great, if you don't great. But doubt if he is planning a marriage, changing religions or a transcontinental relationship based off one weekend in Spain.


    Sam

  43. The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Sam38g For This Useful Post:


Page 1 of 4 123 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. How do you make friends?
    By keira0304 in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 09-18-2008, 11:18 AM
  2. How do I make it clear (regulars).....
    By Pure in forum Hustle Hut
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 07-13-2008, 11:47 AM
  3. Will I make friends?
    By aztx in forum Newbie Board
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 03-06-2005, 06:50 AM
  4. Will I make friends?
    By aztx in forum Newbie Board
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 03-03-2005, 09:02 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •