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Thread: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

  1. #26
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Sometimes experience is the only real teacher, and I think this definitely holds true with respect to this particular topic. It never ceases to amaze me how many young women need at least one object lesson to finally understand that guys just do not share their emotional complexities with respect to interpersonal relationships. There aren't many 300 lb ugly girls with lots of male friends and there is a good reason for that. For most guys, if she is good enough to hang out with, it is because she is good enough to sleep with. Most guys just aren't emotionally sophisticated enough to maintain several different relationship buckets in their heads. There is also a reason why almost none of these so-called friends are in these girls' lives by the time they reach 30, which is that these guys were never really interested in platonic friendships to begin with. At some point, either the guy finally gets it through his head that it will never happen or he gets caught up in a long-term relationship with another woman and that is the end of it.

    When I was 21 and living with my girlfriend at the time, a high school "friend" kept writing her from his military deployment and she insisted that he was just a friend. Try as I might to explain to her that he wouldn't be putting in all of that effort if he wasn't interested in more, she just refused to believe it. Well, one day, when he was back in the States on leave, she snuck out while I was at work to hang out with him. And of course, as was stupidly predictable for anyone who has a penis in his pants, he made a pass at her. Shortly after she rebuffed his pass and took off, she called me at work crying, telling me that I was right and apologizing for not telling me that she was going to meet up with him. This was her educational moment, when she finally started to get it.

    Audrey, have fun on your trip, but you may also want to be clear-eyed about what he is hoping for and manage your interactions with him accordingly. Good luck!
    Last edited by rickdugan; 03-06-2014 at 09:08 PM.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    i agree that real platonic guy/girl friendships are extremely rare, and it also agree with you audrey that is is VERY sad that so many of them can't see us as anything other than a potential fuck and not as a real person like they do their male buddies. i hope your friend is one of the few guys out there who can think with his big head.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    l'd just tell the truth. I had a similar situation a few months ago. I told the guy bluntly "You are too poor for me to toy with and not my type for a fling. I make a better friend than a lover anyways. Sometimes it's better to observe wild animals BEHIND the safety glass."

    He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks but later on thanked me for my candor. We are best friends today.

    He was pissed and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks but then came in one day and thanked me for my honesty. We're the best of friends. He's my brother.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    As you are definitely going then you really have to take the upfront and honest approach. It would be sad to spoil the trip by having something awkward happen.

    P.S. Welcome to London! London is the gateway to Europe, once you are settled here you can travel all over Europe easily. Paris, Barcelona, Rome, Athens- all easy to get to. If you find yourself stuck/ confused/ needing a friendly face then drop me a message. Can't let a fellow SW-er feel all alone in my city.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    Wow. It saddens me that you are apparently so fixated on fucking women that you are completely unable to form friendships with them. You know, we make up 50% of the human population and we're good for more than just sex and dating!
    I have plenty of female friends. You only go on trips with romantic interests.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    You are too poor for me to toy with and not my type for a fling.
    Amen sister !!! I won't ask you to elaborate on the 'wild animal' comment LOL.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I talked to him this evening (I'm flying out there early tomorrow morning). I asked him what my half of the hotel was and he said not to worry about it, that he was just glad to have me along with him on the trip and to consider it a gift. It made me kind of uncomfortable, but I felt like to turn him down I would have to be kind of rude, so I just said ok thank you. Then I said that I was really looking to forward to having a great time with him as I consider him to be one of my really good friends, and then I sort of went off on a tangent (as I always do when having a conversation with someone!) and said that one of the reasons I think we've always managed to stay such good friends is because we have never gone out of the boundaries of friendship (yes I used that exact phrase, ugh lol) and he just said "yeah of course." I don't know, he was very quiet on the phone so I'm not really sure where he stands.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by tempest666 View Post
    l'd just tell the truth. I had a similar situation a few months ago. I told the guy bluntly "You are too poor for me to toy with and not my type for a fling. I make a better friend than a lover anyways. Sometimes it's better to observe wild animals BEHIND the safety glass."

    He didn't talk to me for 2 weeks but later on thanked me for my candor. We are best friends today.

    He was pissed and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks but then came in one day and thanked me for my honesty. We're the best of friends. He's my brother.
    I really hope that "brother" part wasn't meant literally....

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    I talked to him this evening (I'm flying out there early tomorrow morning). I asked him what my half of the hotel was and he said not to worry about it, that he was just glad to have me along with him on the trip and to consider it a gift. It made me kind of uncomfortable, but I felt like to turn him down I would have to be kind of rude, so I just said ok thank you. Then I said that I was really looking to forward to having a great time with him as I consider him to be one of my really good friends, and then I sort of went off on a tangent (as I always do when having a conversation with someone!) and said that one of the reasons I think we've always managed to stay such good friends is because we have never gone out of the boundaries of friendship (yes I used that exact phrase, ugh lol) and he just said "yeah of course." I don't know, he was very quiet on the phone so I'm not really sure where he stands.
    That's not a lock that the message got through loud & clear, but it's not bad (it's just less direct, and remember how bad we men are at deciphering or even realizing there's an indirect message) - the silence over the phone and your radar probably are telling you to be careful that he is still hoping for that opportunity. If he's a gentleman, then you just have to worry about the romantic dinner scenario.

    One thing you touched on - you are interested in him, just not right now. I think if this comes up again, you NEED to be more direct - "I really like you, and I am attracted to you - but I am also just not ready to do a long-distance relationship, and I really want to stay friends until I'm ready." Now, all of that assumes you are sure he is interested, but I think we can bank on that LOL.

    What you did kinda works for right now - but you will have to deal with it in a more direct manner later on, ESPECIALLY if you want to leave the door open for down the road, which you've mentioned - because if he did get the message, he also doesn't know you have some attraction, but just aren't ready. THAT is a much better message for a guy to hear FWIW (unless you really aren't interested, then it's better to be upfront).

    One final point - he offered to pay for the hotel, and insisted - which is fine. If he's a gentleman, then it comes with no strings attached. So you will find out if he is as advertised - if he offers it as a gift, and then expects something more later on, you might need to revise your opinion of him. Then again, if he's a gentleman, and doesn't make an unwelcome move (other than the romantic dinner move, that's not pushing your boundaries, he just hopes to change your mind, which he's entitled to do if it's not forced on you - just really awkward if you're not ready for that, as I posted earlier LOL), then it's a real plus in his book. Doesn't change anything right now this weekend, but something to file away for the future, given you have some interest.

    Hope that helps...and most of all, have a great time in Spain - enjoy the seafood, the music, and the very underrated wine & liquor!

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    >he's paying for the hotel ,,, lol - 5 bucks says he tries to take you to dinner.... just because he's a "gentleman" XD


    "I felt like to turn him down I would have to be kind of rude" I hope you know a polite way to turn him down for sex ...
    Last edited by rum; 03-08-2014 at 03:32 PM.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    It never ceases to amaze me how many young women need at least one object lesson to finally understand that guys just do not share their emotional complexities with respect to interpersonal relationships.
    Rick I think a lot of this has to do with how it seems much more acceptable in our society to be friends with the opposite sex. It just seems so commonplace and you'd think it's normal, but no one mentions anymore the fact that usually one of the two friends will develop some sort of feelings for the other, even if that wasn't how the friendship got started or was intended. I am young, but I am sure this wasn't the case a couple of decades ago. My SO is from another country and even though that country is very modern, it is considered socially unacceptable for men and women to be friends. If a man and a woman are friends and are seen together, they're automatically assumed to be dating.

    I was one of them. When I was younger I had plenty of guy "friends", but they were my 'friends' because they were all hoping for something more. Even if I was somewhat acquainted with a guy, if I were friendly enough and as more time passed he inevitably developed some sort of romantic feelings. They often mistook my friendliness and me giving them any attention for being interested in them. Eventually those feelings would be revealed and I lost those friendships. Now that I'm older I am no longer in contact with any of those people and since I'm attached I will not go out of my way to make friends with the opposite sex.


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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?


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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    I don't know, he was very quiet on the phone so I'm not really sure where he stands.
    Oh come on, you know exactly where he stands.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    You really shouldn't be friends with a guy you don't want to have sex with, unless it's been made clear he doesn't want to have sex with you. He's going to try to fuck you, and then because you became friends, he has feelings and they're going to get hurt.


    EDIT: I guess it's really not that black & white. You can be friends, but avoid getting personal. My general rule with people who are interested in me, but the feeling is not reciprocated, is to only see them in groups. No solo dates, or left in a room drunk, certainly no trips to Spain.
    Nope silly, its just a persona that entertains the masses, yourself included. - KS_Stevia

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    ^Same, if I were going to meet up with my SO's friend who I'm also on friendly terms with, it would be in a group. I wouldn't meet his friend alone somewhere and same goes for any man I'm not related to. I think that is a good rule of thumb.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by simone87 View Post
    i agree that real platonic guy/girl friendships are extremely rare, and it also agree with you audrey that is is VERY sad that so many of them can't see us as anything other than a potential fuck and not as a real person like they do their male buddies. i hope your friend is one of the few guys out there who can think with his big head.
    No matter how lofty our ideas are, or how intelligent we are, the fact remains we're still animals whose prime directive is to mate. It's primal, it's etched in to our DNA, a matter of survival as much as eating and sleep.

    That's not to say two people of opposite sex (or same sex, even) cannot be friends. But, you have to respect that desire can enter the equation at any time and since emotion (a foreign thought for men) has been established, if the feelings aren't mutual, it will get messy.


    Basically I see Audrey having two options:

    Nope silly, its just a persona that entertains the masses, yourself included. - KS_Stevia

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    I talked to him this evening (I'm flying out there early tomorrow morning). I asked him what my half of the hotel was and he said not to worry about it, that he was just glad to have me along with him on the trip and to consider it a gift. It made me kind of uncomfortable, but I felt like to turn him down I would have to be kind of rude, so I just said ok thank you. Then I said that I was really looking to forward to having a great time with him as I consider him to be one of my really good friends, and then I sort of went off on a tangent (as I always do when having a conversation with someone!) and said that one of the reasons I think we've always managed to stay such good friends is because we have never gone out of the boundaries of friendship (yes I used that exact phrase, ugh lol) and he just said "yeah of course." I don't know, he was very quiet on the phone so I'm not really sure where he stands.
    wow, this is so going to end in tears.


    EDIT: I know I'm trolling the Hell out of you here. I hope your trip is a blast. You'll have fun. Hopefully the two of you can prove me wrong.
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I fucked it up... ugh, I feel like such a bitch right now.

    The first night we were there we went out and got very very drunk... we were walking the streets and it was so beautiful and romantic and we'd been having such lovely conversations all night... so when we got back to the hotel we started to hook up, but it was just bad and we'd been drinking so he was having issues. Anyway I woke up with the WORST hangover ever and so I laid in bed for a long time while he walked around. I had a lot of time to think since everything on television was in Spanish, and I don't know I just realized that as wonderful a person he is I just don't like him in that way... I felt no chemistry with him the night over, honestly I got caught up in the moment and then when we were hooking up I was just wishing I was with my ex bf...

    We spent the late afternoon/evening and when back pretty late again and he tried to hook up with me and I told him I wasn't in the mood. He got really upset and started going on about how it wasn't his fault that he had problems the night before he'd been drinking, he said he's had feelings for me this whole past year and he's so embarassed... a part of me was willing to just have sex with him because I felt bad for the poor guy but I didn't. I told him it wasn't that that I was just really tired and he went for a walk... he def did NOT believe me.

    We spent a very last awkward day together and I tried to explain that we're just better as friends and I'm still not over my ex, but he just wouldn't let me get me get more than 5 words out before he said "look I really like you, I've liked you for a long time and that's why I invited you to come with me, and I blew it so can we just never talk about this again?"

    I feel like I totally humiliated him, I had no idea he's had feelings for me THIS long... he looked so sad all day I feel like shit about it. But I learned my lesson never again will I go on a trip with a guy friend...

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    But I learned my lesson never again will I go on a trip with a guy friend...
    Sorry it turned out so awkward, I was hoping it would have turned out differently. But yeah, people may not agree with me on this but it is true that unless they're under the age of 13, gay, or dead, guy friends are friends with us because they're usually hoping for something else. I've had to learn the hard way many times before I finally got it because I really thought that a straight man and woman can really just be friends. Even if I made a friendship that didn't start out that way with a man, like if I just met him and didn't know him very well, even if we got a little bit closer and I gave him any attention at all he took it as interest.

    I remember one time I hugged a man I didn't know very well for doing me a favor and then he got a crush on me after that. When I found out I was surprised because I thought it was strange that he'd develop a crush out of that. But they're more simple than us in the friendship department, they don't have those interpersonal relationship thingies like Rick said.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I for one am shocked at this turn of events
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Thank you for sharing this horrible story and for giving it a try. Some men are fucking clueless.
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Sansonnet View Post
    Sorry it turned out so awkward, I was hoping it would have turned out differently. But yeah, people may not agree with me on this but it is true that unless they're under the age of 13, gay, or dead, guy friends are friends with us because they're usually hoping for something else. I've had to learn the hard way many times before I finally got it because I really thought that a straight man and woman can really just be friends. Even if I made a friendship that didn't start out that way with a man, like if I just met him and didn't know him very well, even if we got a little bit closer and I gave him any attention at all he took it as interest.

    I remember one time I hugged a man I didn't know very well for doing me a favor and then he got a crush on me after that. When I found out I was surprised because I thought it was strange that he'd develop a crush out of that. But they're more simple than us in the friendship department, they don't have those interpersonal relationship thingies like Rick said.
    I just wish it hadn't turned out SO horribly and that that he could understand it had nothing to do with the sex... I've been having sex for a long time now and I understand that drinking does not have the same effect on men as it does on women, if I really like someone I wouldn't care that he couldn't get it up when he was drunk! But it was like we couldn't even have that conversation, and I was very disappointed I mean there's nothing I can do about the fact that I don't like him that way, but I just wish he hadn't left Madrid feeling totally humiliated....

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    aww i'm sorry babe that does suck!! i've had a lot of GOOD friendships end because of sex/romantic interest that wasn't exactly requited..and it feels awful, esp if you've felt you hurt somebody, but you can't change how you feel, nor should you feel that you have to! yeah the sex part was probably a bad idea, but whatever, that's life!

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    For what it's worth, I don't see this as your fault (well the going to an iconically romantic country with the expectation of it remaining platonic part was definitely your fault). I'm guessing this guy lacks friends (both male and female) to talk sense into him and has little experience with women.

    It sucks, but it's a life experience. The food was good though right?


    EDIT: wait I have to go back to the beginning of this story... you started off thinking something *might* happen between you? pardon me, while I catch up...
    Nope silly, its just a persona that entertains the masses, yourself included. - KS_Stevia

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    ^Well the trip as really spontaneous, I haven't really spoken to him since New Years and then we he saw on Facebook that I had moved to London already and asked me if I wanted to fly down to Madrid for a few days with him (he's been planning this trip for a while because it's his week off from work, so he didn't plan the trip with me in mind). I mean he asked me on like Tuesday and and I think I booked my flight Wednesday or something.

    I did think I liked him in the beginning, and I learned on this trip that I did not, I think a part of me just feels like I should because
    he's very smart, a little socially awkward but I do like that in a man he's finishing up his residency and he's working at a really great hospital and he's probably going to be a very successful doctor, he's very mature and he's sweet and kind... but I don't like those kind of guys, I like starving artists with commitment issues who are totally bi-polar when it comes to relationships! He's a wonderful person and I just hope another girl snaps him up soon!

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