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Thread: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

  1. #51
    Veteran Member Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    OK, I read everything again. Yeah, the underlying problem is the leap from being basically acquaintances for three years without him making the slightest signal he was interested in you... to jumping to a date to Spain! It would have been different had you flirted at NYE and he made a move then.

    That's really the guy's problem, he's known you all this time and his big move was a trip to Spain and not at kiss a NY's.
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    Veteran Member Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    As far as where to go from here, be cordial but do not be nice. He'll mistaken that for interest. Be honest with your friends. Find a way to make it up to him later on when the dust settles. And last, for fucks sakes, you're a 24 yo LA girl in London, date a bunch of limeys who'll think you're the greatest thing ever and get over your ex .
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    Wow. It saddens me that you are apparently so fixated on fucking women that you are completely unable to form friendships with them. You know, we make up 50% of the human population and we're good for more than just sex and dating!
    I get what you are saying, but from the sounds of it you are crazy to even think of going on a trip with this guy.

    If a guy has told people he has a crush on you, and then asks you to take a trip to Spain or wherever, he isn't doing it to just be your friend. And if you are also attracted to him it's playing with fire.

    There are a few guys I would trust to hang around with an SO & not try shit, but by far most guys wanting to hang around with a good looking women are definitely not being altruistic. Of course, if you really trust a woman it doesn't matter whom she hangs out with--but only women who crave attention hang out with these types of guys, after they figure out the guy is pretending to be friends just to try to get some.

    Not saying you are this type, or that your friend is that craven (the guys who do this with attached women are usually a lot more devious/manipulative)--just saying it sounds like a really bad idea.
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Doc Holliday View Post
    OK, I read everything again. Yeah, the underlying problem is the leap from being basically acquaintances for three years without him making the slightest signal he was interested in you... to jumping to a date to Spain! It would have been different had you flirted at NYE and he made a move then.

    That's really the guy's problem, he's known you all this time and his big move was a trip to Spain and not at kiss a NY's.
    I agree, the reasoning was strange and certainly flawed... and it's odd as well because he had a such a perfect opportunity to make a move on NYE! I remember he sat with me on a balcony while I was smoking for like 25 minutes, why he didn't try to kiss me then I don't know. I mean I assumed at the time it was because of the Jewish/Catholic thing and that I was a no-no, because we were definitely flirting that evening... but I flirt with everyone, I mean one of my exs stormed out of the Apple store a year ago because he said I was "excessively flirting with the Apple store guy" when I was buying a computer and I wasn't even interested in him in the slightest..

    I'm definitely going to give him lots and lots of space... I'm in no rush to talk to him again!

    I am now thinking over all my failed attempts to be friends with exs though and wondering how I could have been so blind to think this trip could work.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    I agree, the reasoning was strange and certainly flawed... and it's odd as well because he had a such a perfect opportunity to make a move on NYE! I remember he sat with me on a balcony while I was smoking for like 25 minutes, why he didn't try to kiss me then I don't know. I mean I assumed at the time it was because of the Jewish/Catholic thing and that I was a no-no, because we were definitely flirting that evening... but I flirt with everyone, I mean one of my exs stormed out of the Apple store a year ago because he said I was "excessively flirting with the Apple store guy" when I was buying a computer and I wasn't even interested in him in the slightest..

    I'm definitely going to give him lots and lots of space... I'm in no rush to talk to him again!

    I am now thinking over all my failed attempts to be friends with exs though and wondering how I could have been so blind to think this trip could work.
    Well, the only thing you can do now is give him space. He clearly saw you as a romantic interest for a long time, so guys who are in this class rarely stay friends after the bubble's burst - especially since you are so far away. Guys can remain friends with women they are attracted to, but not if their main goal was romantic from the get-go, which it sounds like right now. Guys just aren't wired to stay friends with a failed romantic interest 98+ percent of the time (especially if they are the ones who are dumped/rejected). If you approach him now, he'll only see it as a pity reachout, or worse yet, that you are still interested - when you are not.

    FWIW, reading the NYE details and his feelings he expressed to you on the trip, and the type of guy he is (smart, but shy/socially awkward), the simple explanation for NYE was that he was too shy to make a move, but the time you 2 spent together gave him enough courage to ask you out for the trip the next time. It's too bad it ended the way it did - not being able to perform is literally the #1 insecurity a guy can have sex-wise. I'm guessing by your description he hasn't dated a lot of girls in HS/college, but as he's become more successful, he's starting to get more interest, and is blooming late. He will not have any trouble finding someone to address his single status - single male 20-something doctors are an endangered species. Hopefully he can overcome his performance anxiety with his next SO/hookup (and there will be others, don't worry about him).

    On the flip side, once you get your life in order (a place to live, work settling) - for goodness sake, as been said - start dating again. You're 24, attractive, and can speak intelligently - some UK guy will make you forget about your ex if you just get out there. It's more likely to make you forget your ex than going on trips with friends who have feelings for you but where you're not reciprocating - unless the guy's incredibly skilled, patient (or both), your hookups are never going to be as memorable as your ex's without some type of other connection. I do think you need to be open about the type of guy you are looking for - it's clear you 2 didn't have "it" between you, but you never know who will turn your crank the next time.

    Consider this a life lesson learned for all.

    Good luck!

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Dear Audrey, Thanks for the update. C'est la vie

    Dear Doc,

    That's really the guy's problem, he's known you all this time and his big move was a trip to Spain and not at kiss a NY's.
    Well it worked didn't it,,, or did she not give it up on the first night?


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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    ^we never had sex...

    And I hate that term, I didn't "give anything up."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    hey don't get me wrong ,, I admire your "open mindedness" about hooking up with the guy,, but let's not kid ourselves .... one does not simply discover he can't get it up, unless the penis is out of the pants.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by rum View Post
    hey don't get me wrong ,, I admire your "open mindedness" about hooking up with the guy,, but let's not kid ourselves .... one does not simply discover he can't get it up, unless the penis is out of the pants.
    Maybe I missed something, and I haven't gone back & reread the OP, but I do not recall her saying she let him pull his dick out. In which case you are out of line.
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I think you missed the part about them not being able to hook up due to his flaccid penis ...

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I'm sorry it went bad.

    I'm not one of those people who believes men and women can't be friends either though. I've become very close friends with some of my husband's friends from childhood to the point where we've hung out solo many times. I don't believe they're just waiting for their chance to fuck me. Not every guy out there is a piece of shit who only thinks about his penis. I feel sorry for how jaded some of the people on this thread are.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    I'm sorry it went bad.

    I'm not one of those people who believes men and women can't be friends either though. I've become very close friends with some of my husband's friends from childhood to the point where we've hung out solo many times. I don't believe they're just waiting for their chance to fuck me. Not every guy out there is a piece of shit who only thinks about his penis. I feel sorry for how jaded some of the people on this thread are.
    There's a difference between friends of a SO and friends who secretly want a romantic relationship. I agree friendship with members of the opposite sex can happen - but not if the primary motivation is a desire for something more. When that is the basis of the start of friendship, it seldom lasts once the bubble bursts.

    I have 2-3 female friends - married, and I know we will only be friends. I also started the friendship that way - when it starts with a secret crush, though, harder for that not to come to the forefront, especially on a trip alone together, with no attachments at play.

    In any case, better it be dealt with now - Audrey's friend was bound to make an attempt to let his feelings be known. It's too bad it went down that way (not the way a guy wants to fail at all), but at least everyone can move on. He will be fine in the long run.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by rum View Post
    hey don't get me wrong ,, I admire your "open mindedness" about hooking up with the guy,, but let's not kid ourselves .... one does not simply discover he can't get it up, unless the penis is out of the pants.
    I'm guessing the point being made is that having sex (or trying to) isn't "giving it up" for a woman - it's a decision or desire by both people. The woman isn't giving anything away, she is a willing and (hopefully enthusiastic) participant. The saying makes it seem like only the guy is getting something out of sex, or that the woman is "putting out", or giving something that shouldn't be freely given (a guy "scores" but a girl "gives it away" - same kind if thinking that says a guy who sleeps with 3 women in a weekend is a player but a woman who does so is a slut).

    Strong modern women don't view sex as giving something away but as a choice they make of free will. A GF in my Uni days told me this a long gone ago, but it made sense then, so take it FWIW.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Yeah it's the old myth of the 'Golden Pussy'. The Grand Prize that guys will fight and compete for, and women will hold out for some theoretically more deserving studmuffin type. So tiresome...a relic of the fucking stone age that refuses to die as long as stupid people buy into that shit. Television definitely does not help matters, either.

    Really, if I wanted to play that game I would just periodically pay a couple of girls 100$ each to catfight over me in a crowded singles bar, & I guarantee you I'd be getting laid by dumb women regularly for months.
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Painful but truthful answer ... you probably can't !!!
    ^This, exactly. I see you decided to go on the trip anyway. I mean, I can't really blame you....who wouldn't want to go to Spain??
    But, having been nearly identical situations several times (minus being attracted to the guy), I can honestly say that GUYS DON'T LISTEN. Really. You may have directly said, "We're just going as friends, I don't want anything more." but what he actually heard was some version of, "I really want you, but I'm playing some sort of game where I'm only pretending I just want to be friends so that you have to try harder to get me." Sadly, I can count on one hand the number of guy friends that I managed to keep after they realized FOR SURE that I was not interested in them that way. It's okay though - lesson learned, right?

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by The Six View Post
    I really hope that "brother" part wasn't meant literally....
    Lol hell no. My real brother is a bit of a self righteous prick. This guy is fucking awesome. We can't choose our family but we can choose our friends.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital View Post
    I can honestly say that GUYS DON'T LISTEN. Really. You may have directly said, "We're just going as friends, I don't want anything more." but what he actually heard was some version of, "I really want you, but I'm playing some sort of game where I'm only pretending I just want to be friends so that you have to try harder to get me."
    ^^^^^^^

    This thread has made me so fed up and ticked at men all over again. Despite working at a strip club I try to give them the benefit of the doubt and think "well not ALL of them just want sex," but nope, even according to THE MEN THEMSELVES that's all they want. Apparently y'all don't care about anything a woman has to offer if she isn't willing to have sex with you first. I don't care if that's "natural," I don't care if you "can't help it," it's fucking dumb and annoying. I'm not your plaything, and I'm not going to associate with people who only talk to me because they think it will make me willing to have sex with them (aka, apparently all men, YOUR words guys.)

    Audrey I'm glad things were cut short. He sounds like a passive aggressive doucher who was trying to sneakily manipulate you into dating him, so don't feel bad, you're not beholden to do anything sexual or romantic with him just because he's been "friends" with you (if you can even call it friendship when there's been such a selfish ulterior motive the whole time.)

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital View Post
    ^This, exactly. I see you decided to go on the trip anyway. I mean, I can't really blame you....who wouldn't want to go to Spain??
    That's the problem with this whole thing. She didn't listen to anybody who told her it was a bad idea because she wanted to go to Spain either way. It's like a guy you don't like asking you out on a date and going just because you are hungry even if you have zero interest in him. It wasn't the guy doing the not listening here.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    That's the problem with this whole thing. She didn't listen to anybody who told her it was a bad idea because she wanted to go to Spain either way. It's like a guy you don't like asking you out on a date and going just because you are hungry even if you have zero interest in him.
    The only problem here is men who believe that because they do nice things, they're entitled to sex. You're treating it like a contract, when actually a contract needs both parties to know the terms and agree before proceeding. For example, if a woman has sex with a man first, and THEN she says "Well we had sex so now you have to take me out to an expensive dinner" the man would be like "Hell naw! I never agreed to that!"

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    It wasn't the guy doing the not listening here.
    Except when it was, when she told him she wasn't interested beforehand.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    If you are not interested in a guy you don't go on a romantic getaway to spain with them, it is not complicated.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    If you are not interested in a guy you don't go on a romantic getaway to spain with them, it is not complicated.
    I think the reason it seems this straightforward to you is that you can't comprehend spending that much time with the opposite sex unless you think you're going to score. Most women don't think that way. They can actually like men without wanting to screw them. So pardon us if we get invited to Spain and think "Oh nice! This awesome friend wants to hang out and go on a once-in-a-lifetime trip with me and it's gonna be RAD!" instead of "No, I have no right to spend time with a man unless I'm going to fuck him." Because that last thought is YOUR thought, not ours. Like I said it's a one-sided contract.

    Just say "At this point I'm looking for a relationship/hookup and don't want to spend that much time with you and fall for you if it's not going to amount to anything. So let me know whether or not you're interested in me." It is not complicated. Seriously, that would have been a lot less complicated for the guy than biding his time for years and planning a "romantic getaway" (or as I would have thought of it, a "super fun vacation") and just hoping/assuming that she'll like him if he does nice things for her.

    She even told him exactly what she thought of the idea of a relationship. He decided to keep going anyway!

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by starlily View Post
    I think the reason it seems this straightforward to you is that you can't comprehend spending that much time with the opposite sex unless you think you're going to score. Most women don't think that way. They can actually like men without wanting to screw them. So pardon us if we get invited to Spain and think "Oh nice! This awesome friend wants to hang out and go on a once-in-a-lifetime trip with me and it's gonna be RAD!" instead of "No, I have no right to spend time with a man unless I'm going to fuck him." Because that last thought is YOUR thought, not ours. Like I said it's a one-sided contract.

    Just say "At this point I'm looking for a relationship/hookup and don't want to spend that much time with you and fall for you if it's not going to amount to anything. So let me know whether or not you're interested in me." It is not complicated. Seriously, that would have been a lot less complicated for the guy than biding his time for years and planning a "romantic getaway" (or as I would have thought of it, a "super fun vacation") and just hoping/assuming that she'll like him if he does nice things for her.

    She even told him exactly what she thought of the idea of a relationship. He decided to keep going anyway!
    I understand women don't think that way, that's why we explained it to her. Not just men but women who know better also. And of course the guy couldn't back out of it at that point, he would've got the same exact reaction you are giving me for pointing out the obvious truth. You don't go on a romantic getaway with someone you have no romantic interest in, I'm not sure what you find controversial about that.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    And of course the guy couldn't back out of it at that point, he would've got the same exact reaction you are giving me for pointing out the obvious truth.
    What reaction? The reaction of "Um if you wanted to make this about us dating, why didn't you just say so before you invested all these feelings and money in me?"

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    You don't go on a romantic getaway with someone you have no romantic interest in, I'm not sure what you find controversial about that.
    The controversy is that he decided it was going to be a romantic getaway and she just thought it was a trip to Spain. I could go to Spain with my mom. I could go to Spain by my own damn self. Going to Spain doesn't mean there are any strings attached.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Right, but plenty of people explained it to her. There should've been no confusion after that.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    What happened I expected to happen. So the end result isn't surprising at all. The Op was told ahead of time days in advance. Even the hotel booking was messed up because with being fully aware he had feelings for her she actually let him book a hotel room for them both to share. Sorry this wasn't really a " ooh no look what happened". This was really an obvious ending. Also the "I messed up". No she messed up when she accepted this trip. She also messed up leaving the booking of a hotel on him.

    Also the term "putting out" is old. However this man didn't jump through romantic bliss hoops and try to set up her "putting out" for nothing. Why do you think he got pissed off at her for not fucking him on the 2nd try? In his mind he earned that pussy and that's why he felt ENTITLED to it.

    When people want to get away from the old adage of "putting out" , men that are paying to be entitled to a woman's vagina will be long gone. Obviously this practice is still very alive as seen by this post.

    To me the "friend" set up bait to get her alone to make his move especially having one room to share. If that's not creepy I don't know what is. The problem is that we all knew what was going on here and she was well aware of this crush he had.

    I remember going through this like clockwork around New Years. My phone would blow up and apparently every guy seemed to be using the same con. " I have an extra VIP ticket to this NYE event that normally cost upwards of $170 + a have a fully decked out room booked". They would always offer me to come with them and that I didn't have to pay. Thinking hmm so I'm going to have to share a room with you after you're hoping I get shit faced? Nope not looking for the rapey times with you! Pass!

    I remember a friend of 3 years invited me over to his Halloween party. Everyone at work said they didn't even know he was having one. I get there all dressed up and his place is empty. No evidence of anyone even being there either. Surprise Surprise another con.

    ^ I could go on and on with more examples but this behavior isn't uncommon nor a shocker at all.

    I've been through similar situations in the past. I made more mistakes at this because I didn't want to believe this was the case. Funny thing is that I haven't had any male friends recently that approach me for friendship that weren't attracted to me. Those relationships fail fast because they may not make a play for me in a month or a year but someday it will happen and it always ruins the FAKE relationship that I thought I had with them. This is really what the "friend zone" is all about. Some guy that's around to earn pussy points that he's expecting to cash in at some point. Also since everyone is doing FWB now this is more likely to happen than ever. I remember when men suggested FWB most women laughed in their face. Now of course it's sweeping the nation lol.

    The only friends that you could really have is a guy that you think is incredibly hot but you wouldn't fuck him with your friend's vagina. A guy that finds you so unattractive that he wouldn't fuck you even with the lights off. <--These men are rare.

    Anyways this is exactly why I enjoy the adult industry because it seems to be honest in so many ways. You get the same exact games but they are laughable at best so you don't take any guy too serious.

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