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Thread: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

  1. #76
    Veteran Member Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by starlily View Post
    The only problem here is men who believe that because they do nice things, they're entitled to sex.
    You're right, this is absolutely wrong. I agree with you. But, it happens. The problem is a lot of men are insecure and can't come right out and say, 'Hey, I'm interested in a girl.' So, they do things for them and try to prove their worth that way; then they make a move too late or too big -- a full paid trip to Spain, like it's a game show. And because they put too much effort into it only to get rejected, they get real butt hurt about it. A lot of men work that way. The opposite are the annoying guys who hit on women first thing out the door and even with rejection, they keep at it. They are too secure and too stupid to realize if it didn't work the fifth time it won't work the sixth, seventh, and eighth. Few are the men who act reasonably somewhere in between, express their interest subtly, attempt to win them over subtly, and walk away.


    Quote Originally Posted by starlily View Post
    Except when it was, when she told him she wasn't interested beforehand.
    Except in the opening post, she said she was attracted to him and could see a relationship forming if not for the long distance thing. She never would have went if not for subconsciously wanting to take that risk, for it to maybe work out and things click. ..but they didn't.


    Quote Originally Posted by starlily View Post
    The controversy is that he decided it was going to be a romantic getaway and she just thought it was a trip to Spain. I could go to Spain with my mom. I could go to Spain by my own damn self. Going to Spain doesn't mean there are any strings attached.
    Yes, but parents often pay for a child's way and a person often pays their own way. A man paying for a trip to another country for woman whom he is just acquaintances with (albeit acquaintances for three years), is not just 'friendly'. It's intentionally romantic. It's a dick move on his part. But, she should have seen this. If they had really known each other over those three years, had they spent a lot of time together, gone out and done things, had sleep overs with no sex, etc. It would be totally different. They would have been two real friends and one genuinely doing something nice for the other. But it wasn't.


    The guy is not terrible. He's just insecure and inexperienced with women and can't come out and express how he feels in a more direct manner. I only wanted audrey to realize this before getting herself in an awkward and painful situation.

    Sure guys can be friends with women, they can even be friends with women they are attracted to, what they can't do is repeatedly (or overly) do things for women whom they only want to be friends with and not desire anything more to happen. Can you honestly say you'd spend a month or more of your pay for someone you barely knew to join you on an exotic trip and not want some magical Hollywood romance to happen?
    Nope silly, its just a persona that entertains the masses, yourself included. - KS_Stevia

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  3. #77
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Wow OK I'm surprised people are still posting in this thread!

    First of all... this was not some super romantic getaway, and I paid for my plane ticket. All he paid for was the hotel room.

    In regards to the last few posts... he never acted like he expected sex from me. Yes we spent a romantic evening together on Sunday and he made the first move (which was stroking my hair, which led to use making out of course) but it was my choice to take it farther... he never acted like because he paid for the trip I owed him something. I've known many guys like that-- take you out to a nice dinner and if you refuse to let them feel you up in the car you're a bitch-- but he isn't like that. Like Doc_Holiday said he's just an inexperienced, shy guy, but he is is a wonderful, kind and caring person, not a manipulative douchebag so I feel like I need to defend him a bit here.

    Honestly, I don't regret going on the trip, I got to go to an awesome country and I enjoyed getting to soak up the culture and go to a few museums. I do feel bad that what happened was hurtful to him, and I regret that I brought sex into it at all on that first night, but I am glad that I ended things immediately after that because it would have just been leading him on. Overall I wish things had turned out differently, but what can you do?

    And Djoser & gocancucks... that is exactly why that phrase fucking pisses me off!

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  5. #78
    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    I understand women don't think that way, that's why we explained it to her. Not just men but women who know better also. And of course the guy couldn't back out of it at that point, he would've got the same exact reaction you are giving me for pointing out the obvious truth. You don't go on a romantic getaway with someone you have no romantic interest in, I'm not sure what you find controversial about that.
    What part of buying your own plane ticket to go to Spain with a friend is a "romantic getaway?" If my husband surprised me with a "Hey, we're going to Spain but you have to buy your own ticket." I sure as hell would not consider that romance.

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  7. #79
    God/dess cherryblossomsinspring's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    What part of buying your own plane ticket to go to Spain with a friend is a "romantic getaway?" If my husband surprised me with a "Hey, we're going to Spain but you have to buy your own ticket." I sure as hell would not consider that romance.
    You forgot "he has a crush on me" plus "he's booking the hotel room" plus " the hotel room we HAVE to share".

  8. #80
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by cherryblossomsinspring View Post
    You forgot "he has a crush on me" plus "he's booking the hotel room" plus " the hotel room we HAVE to share".
    He never told me he had a crush on me before this trip.

    We stayed in a suite and the agreement we had before the trip was that he would sleep on the pullout in the next room. That's where he slept the second night.

  9. #81
    God/dess shasta's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    You are in the same hemisphere as Arizona.

  10. #82
    Moderator Djoser's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Sharing the hotel room is always trouble lol.

    NOT to laugh at your particular situation, Audrey. And if you'd like me to clean up the thread a little or delete it now that it has run its course, I'll be happy to do so.

    Sorry you had the misunderstanding (& that I posted again without reading your description on pg2). He just sounds like he really didn't know what he was doing, rather than a scheming type. Some guys are very naive & even believe their own line of slightly skewed reasoning about women. Of course that street goes both ways haha!

    But hey at least Spain was cool otherwise.

    You must have chaos within you to give birth to a dancing star.
    Friedrich Nietzsche

    Free your mind, and your ass will follow.
    George Clinton

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  11. #83
    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    What part of buying your own plane ticket to go to Spain with a friend is a "romantic getaway?" If my husband surprised me with a "Hey, we're going to Spain but you have to buy your own ticket." I sure as hell would not consider that romance.
    The part where you are going to Spain with a guy.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

  12. #84
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Rather than point the finger at the guy/girl, it seems pretty clear everyone went in with their eyes open. To recap:

    1. Guy had feelings for Audrey, but never acted on them before inviting her on trip to Spain. Last-minute, less than a week to go when this went down.
    2. Audrey did tell him the night before she wanted this to be a friends' trip - he didn't address at that time.
    3. Audrey did have some attraction to said guy.
    4. Both paid their way on trip, he paid for hotel, declined her offer to pay.
    5. They went on trip, got drunk, and MUTUALLY decided to hook up - until his performance issues came up.\
    6. Next day, Audrey thought better of hook-up, guy was understandibly upset, because his feelings were a lot stronger and his lack of performance is NEVER the way you want to end a possible relationship (he saw it that way, even if Audrey didn't).

    Yes, Audrey had plenty of signs he was interested, and this would only end one way. But, in reality, this was going to happen no matter what - it was only a matter of where/when. She had some attraction, so she decided to give it a shot. It wasn't because of the hotel being paid, she was in the moment. That happens - it's not like either was attached, so even though it wasn't her original intent, it's not like it's terrible that this happened. It didn't work out - no harm done (other than to the guy's confidence, but that's a risk every time).

    As for the guy, he's not a bad guy at all - just socially awkward and shy. He didn't have the courage to make a move until he got her alone - and he needed that to build up to it. There's no need to vilify him any more than that. Sure, he was friends with a primary motivation of attraction and hopes for more. That's not unusual. He didn't force any expectations on to her the first night, and he backed down the next day when she declined. Of COURSE he would be upset - no one in their right mind wouldn't be. Audrey was someone he had a bigtime crush on, and when he had his shot, the ultimate nightmare happened. It sucks that it really dampened the rest of the trip, but I can't think of any other outcome. And again - we can be friends with women, but NOT long-term if we see them first as romantic interests. That was the case here - but it doesn't make him a bad guy.

    Sure, the 2nd half of the trip sucked, and the guy's confidence is shot. But he took his shot, and it was with MUTUAL consent. Thus the whole issue with the "giving it away" comments. And, yeah, he paid for the hotel. She offered, he declined. That's on him. As a guy, I have no problem with that. It doesn't come with strings attached, and he didn't treat her that way. So it's a non-issue.

    In the end, although it was disastrous how it ended, the guy is WAY better off to have tried and failed, then never having tried at all. He was a gentleman, and he didn't force himself - she consented, it didn't work out. Because he tried, he doesn't have tolook back and wonder how it would have worked had he tried. He flamed out huge - but at least he knows that chapter is closed.

    If people want to say Audrey had signs and ignored them, entirely fair. But really, both parties had signs - Audrey's attempt to tell him she wasn't looking for romance was equally ignored. They were both adults. They will both be fine in the long run (even with not being able to perform, he'll be fine, since he's a successful professional - young male professionals don't stay single for long). No one acted out of bounds. This isn't like the friend who makes rape jokes by text, or the abusive SO, or one person taking advantage of another. Is it a lesson learned? For sure. But really, that's all it is - no puppies were killed, and no long-lasting harm was done. Like most types of situations, both parties assume some responsibility, and learn from it.

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  14. #85
    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    The part where you are going to Spain with a guy.
    You suck at romance if you think having a woman buy her own ticket to Spain is romantic.

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    God/dess Trem's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Cept that wasn't part of the original plan was it?
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

  17. #87
    Veteran Member DreamsInDigital's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Sometimes experience is the only real teacher, and I think this definitely holds true with respect to this particular topic.
    ^This is true, I can attest to it. Men & women think differently about this type of stuff, that's just how it is. And also, remember that the title of this thread was "How to make it clear I just want to be friends?" rather than, "Should I go to Spain with him or not?" I think the OP was already set on going to Spain, regardless of the outcome.

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  19. #88
    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    Cept that wasn't part of the original plan was it?
    Yes, it was. She clarified that in the third post on this thread.

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    You suck at romance if you think having a woman buy her own ticket to Spain is romantic.
    Quote Originally Posted by Trem View Post
    Cept that wasn't part of the original plan was it?
    Quote Originally Posted by MarvelGirl View Post
    Yes, it was. She clarified that in the third post on this thread.
    Do people even read the thread before answering? She paid her ticket and offered to pay for half of hotel. He declined. That was very clearly posted.

    Honestly this is a side part to the story. Both parties learned something but in the end made choices with their eyes open. It didn't work out but no real damage was done. No one forced anything on anyone.

  21. #90
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    ^Yeah, not sure what you're talking about. He asked me to go on the trip and I said I would check to see how much tickets were. They were cheap and so when I talked to him again I said I the tickets were cheap and asked what flight I should pick. Originally I was going to buy flight+hotel from Expedia and the only reason I didn't was because he said he had the hotel covered in the conversation. But no, he never said he would by plane ticket.

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  23. #91
    Newbie rum's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I get where you are coming from with the whole give it up issue, and I understand why you might see that phrase as being offensive. But it doesn't have to be a one way sexist street, a guy can just as well give it up to a girl. (there are plenty of times in any guys life that a girl wants you, but you are not attracted to her, so if she finally gets the guy in bed then yes, the guy gave it up) Speaking strictly from a definition standpoint, I would say giving it up has to do with who is pursuing who and how much resistance there is from the other person. In this case the guy was pursuing Audrey and the feeling was not mutual, in fact it was clear that her stance was she did not want to be more than friends with this guy even after she booked her trip... so in this case it took a trip to spain, a nice night out and a few drinks to get her to “have a change of heart” ,, And she didn't even like the guy the next day, so it's not like that's where her heart was the whole time, which would be a different case… Now (believe it or not) I just want to be clear, that I am not trying to paint Audrey in a negative light. I think the issue was should she go to spain with a guy who liked her if she did not feel the same way ,,, and many suggested against it,,,, however since she went with an open mind about the situation then she should feel no fault for how things unfolded. Morally, I don't give a sh*t how long people wait before they have sex, but a drunk f*ck on the first night is destined for failure, because there is a great chance that it will be awkward the next day no matter how good or bad the sex was,,, The guy is obviously not a player, because if he had any game he would have gave her bread and water that night, and hedged his bet for the second and third night. But he probably wanted it sooo bad that he was incapable of turning it down and went for it limp shrimp and all. But, believe it or not it's probably for the best things turned out the way they did. So thank you to Audrey for sharing this personal story with us, I'm sure I'm not making myself popular here, I just call it like it is, but at least I tried to give you honest advice from the beginning.


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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Having read though all this, it's his fault he didn't get laid. He should have not had "problems" when knowing he was going to try to hook up.

    On another note, this would make an AMAZING short film! *ideas*

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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    I had a crush on my friend at one point, I mean how could I not? She was super smart, the best personality and just so fun to be with I just loved her so much. We talked about it and she cared for me also and held me and our friendship in high regard. We realized that we could have a relationship and it would be amazing but sooner or later someone would get hurt, or we could be friends forever. Well forever is a long time, but it has been about 20 years and we are still great friends & I wouldn't trade that for anything. I read this post hoping you 2 could have had a similar experience, it is rare I suppose. I don't know what's so bad about the friendzone, having goddesses on your side and there for advice is awesome. Anyways, just my $.02

  26. #94
    Veteran Member Fionaver's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Wow, Rum... Are you f*cking kidding me?!? The love of my life and I began as a lame drunken hookup... If we hadn't screwed the next morning, everything would have stalled --- nooooo chemistry at all when lit.

    Audrey went into it with a clear understanding (thru a friend) that he *might* be attracted to her because (hearsay) but other than that he was a trusted friend. It sucks for her that she tried to act on a 3 yr attraction (with no current potential b/c DISTANCE) but she's twenty-f*cking-four. Parsing out the difference between friend/family/romantic live is hard enough... 'I care, but....' has been the demise of many a good woman.

    Get off your high horse.

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  28. #95
    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Oh, fucking on the first date always leads to failure? Be right back, I have to go end my 14 year marriage based on that fact. *eye roll*

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  30. #96
    Veteran Member Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Thank you, rum. I feel violated. I could have lived the rest of my life in happiness never having seen KC's Frankenstein face sing Give It Up to me.
    Nope silly, its just a persona that entertains the masses, yourself included. - KS_Stevia

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  32. #97
    Veteran Member Doc Holliday's Avatar
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    Default Re: how to make it clear I just want to be friends?

    Jesus, he should have died from a cocaine overdose on NYE 1979.

    This is how I want to remember that band.

    Nope silly, its just a persona that entertains the masses, yourself included. - KS_Stevia

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