
Originally Posted by
Tigrillo
hey everyone. I'm cross-posting from Life Support with this novel, because it mostly relates with my trouble with depression and anxiety right now at the suggestion of another member. It will serve a a new re-introduction, I suppose. Just to clarify I know my BF was a dick in this case but I'm not really looking for relationship advice right now, but only resources to overcome this paralyzing anxiety with the cam that is only getting worse. I've analyzed my reasons for camming and I realize I really want to do it; but I find myself more and more blocked. thanks in advance for reading and for any insights.
I'm a very new camgirl, I started working about a year ago but most of the time I've been offline. I have a lot of trouble with the anxiety and scenic panic I have when getting online, and it's getting worse.
I am not a knockout, but I was confident enough in my looks when I started last summer. I cammed for two months regularily --my longest stint-- and I was doing okay, not wonderful, but enough to know I was having fun and I felt my time was being appropriately rewarded. I had two or three people who showed often to tip, and a trickle of new small tippers here and there. it was okay.
One of the 'regs' was also somewhat of a troll, he was sometimes abrasive, aggresive, or intimidating, then he started trying to lure me out of the website so I'd talk only to him. I threw him off and started ignoring him more, he got angry and more rude, I blocked him.
Then around that same date, I casually find out at home that this troll is none other than my live-in boyfriend and the father of my child. Asshole. In the open he was nothing but supportive of my camming, and he still is, and he always said he didn't need to come watch me in my room (he wouldn't mod for me and I didn't insist), but somehow he got it into his head that it'd be fun to troll me, tip me, and in his words, 'I was actually watching out for you.' wtf?
He also mindfucked another camgirl who was my only real acquaintance-almost-friend in the camming world, and when she found out who he was --I told her, shouldn't have-- she didn't take it so well. She cut me off and what little guidance I had in the camming world I lost.
This put me off and started a depression, so I took a brake from camming and even though I want to, I have never been able to make it back and/or have fun, get a groove. I've never been able to get the money going again, be it because I'm not working on a regular schedule, or because my anxiety just doesn't let me stay on. I keep thinking I'm not going to make money, I'm not a good cammer at all, most of the money at first came from the troll and I'm good for nothing. That sort of stuff. I started drinking and I let myself go and obviously that didn't help either.
So I've been mostly offline this year and I'm always planning to start cammin again, like next week. Tomorrow. Only I never make it. I have quit drinking, started exercising again and eating right, but I still have to pay for +6 months of boozing and slacking and paralyzing depression. I have been trying to get back on cam, and today I actually logged in, but it's agonizing. I obviously didnt make any money. I need to change something in my mindset and I don't know where to start.
in my mind I know it's stupid, feeling this way, that I'm 35 and spent-up and I'm making an idiot of myself. But I can't seem to shake it off. Thanks for listening.
<3
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