



Did a lease to own on a computer. Should be here Friday. I just really needed my anxiety to feel calm that my computer could handle SM much better then the desktop that I'm currently using. Also got photography lighting so I could hang black out curtains. I really needed to self care my anxiety. I have very very high anxiety that can be crippling at times. I live in a corner apartment, first floor and pretty much have zero traffic and I doubt the people in the complex next door are watching me but I just needed to be in my own little secret hole. No one will see lights on at odd hours, even though I mainly want to cam during the day/mornings and any movement. Plus if someone was to walk by, no one could see in. I never fully trust cheap apartment blinds haha. Even just typing all that out made me see how crazy my anxiety is. No one cares. I know that. But my anxiety wont let me process that. Ugh. I'm just glad I'm not alone and like what others say, reading the struggles we all are going through with our health and how we cant compare ourselves to those models with zero health issues, makes you feel better.





^^When I'm derealized (form of dissociation associated with high levels of anxiety & stress that is literally a feeling of "unreal") I have the most difficult time keeping things in perspective. I start to have unrealistic thoughts & my skills in CBT, ACT, & DBT are almost impossible to utilize to cope.
Yes, you're right, no one is preoccupied with your business & more than likely pays no mind; anxiety makes it difficult to believe these truths.
I feel you sister. I see you <3
Sha



Glad to see that this thread is still active and alive. I'm disabled. I feel like my body/mind/ailments are my worst enemy. I try, but sometimes I fail, if that makes sense. I know it's not my fault. It's super, super hard to find work that works with you.




Thank you for chiming in on that ShaSha. It is very difficult. Luckily I've surrounded myself with those who also suffer from anxiety so we can help each other with our insane thoughts. I'm so convinced those around me find me annoying, difficult and make fun of me when I'm not looking. I'm constantly apologizing, even when I take my dogs out to the farm so they can run and the barn owner keeps reminding me "their dogs, its fine, they bark"... stuff like that. I know I've gotten worse since being with my narcissistic ex. He took my issues and caused them to just explode in to like full fledged insanity. Oh you have anxiety? Wait till I'm done with you. I dont think my Fibro and Lupus has flared as much as it did when I was with him. Sometimes it still feels like I'm recovering from those flares two years later....





^^^ ^^^ Yes this thread is for us the ones with health issues, i am glad it exists cause IRL i really have nobody to talk to about my health issues and how it's affecting my ability to cam, my son is helping and supporting me but that's about all the support i get.
I wonder what happened to the girl creating this thread, "Justonthecamgirl", she is not posting for a good while, i hope she is OKAY cause she was dealing with serious health issues herself that made her open this thread, God bless u JAC!
Yes there is a huge difference between us the ones with health issues & the zero health issues models, our ability to make money is affected by the things we deal with, i never believed i will need medication for depression & anxiety, i mean these came on top of all the other things i deal with already.
Today i saw my psychiatrist, i feel good with the treatment she gave me but she said i need about 6-8 months of treatment for the antidepressants to have effect and change the brain chemistry, i was expecting to be told i had enough lol.
Well, i am happy i am feeling good & glad i am alive, the panic attack i had was my first and last i hope & was induced by the fear of death.
How do u guys deal with the death fear pls? Any advice for me? Ty and good health to u all xxx




Not sure if my death fear is like yours but my biggest fear with death is my animals and I do think about it everyday. What I've done and has helped is there is a list on my fridge for my father of who would take who or who would help him with certain pets. I've taken out life insurance to cover my funeral expenses and allow my dad a little extra to come down here and take care of everything. I dont take risks like I used to. I'm even afraid of driving but I still drive but more cautiously. Stuff like that. I am afraid of what will happen to. We dont know if there is a other side or if we just cease to exist. That terrifies me. I want to die and be surrounded by all my pets and family that have past on. I need to be.





You got out of that situation & way to go! I'm happy to read this.
When I'm derealized I think of death often & it's terrifying. I try my best to meditate & speak kindly to myself. I validate my fears & literally say "it's ok to be afraid. You're stressed. It's anxiety. While it's terrifying, you're ok."
Sometimes I put on Deepak Chopra's Love Sutras, lay down, & stare at the ceiling until my heart rate finally drops.
I'm sorry your fear is great, but it's normal. It's ok.
Sha





^^^ ^^^ Thank you for input ladies, i know the subject is taboo & nobody has the answer; right before i had my last surgery i feared death soo bad that i was literally shaking when signing the papers that i agree with surgery and anesthesia, my heart rate increased significantly while on the surgery table until the gas put me to deep sleep & then everything disappeared until i woke up; even my body was alive my conscience was gone so maybe that's how it's happening when we go or there is something else after... even this was not the 1st surgery (i had a few more when a child and then at 19 yo) this experience at a more mature age made me have existential questions and to look for answers but no matter how much spirituality or religion i studied in the last 2.5 years i've got no answers so i stopped searching cause all these theories were making me even more confused.
I let it be the mystery of life, not knowing is healthier than knowing too much sometimes.
Kisses & hugs & much health everyone!




Try being someone who is in to the Mandela Effect. I'm part of a few groups on social media and the whole we live in a computer simulation takes things to a whole nother level. Dimension shifting as well as other theories are always tossed around. As well as biblical theories to all the heavy changes around us. It has consumed me. I wont turn this thread in to a Mandela effect thread haha but I wanted you to know I also have been pulled in to it to but have not been able to pull myself out of it like you were able to do. Its a daily obsession still. You are definitely not alone with wanting answers and being obsessed on death and what is around us. *hugs* I will say it again, its nice to know we are not alone out there, we are not crazy! In any area of life! Just view things and live life differently.



Here's an interesting question: When did you guys know for sure that you couldn't do "THAT" type of work anymore? When was the moment when you had to wave the white flag and give up "that" type of work in exchange for adult work that you could do?
I'm sitting here trying to do some side-hustle work in a particular industry niche, but my brain just CAN NOT allow me to do what I need to do. Worse, it doesn't even pay that much, but every little bit helps. But someone earlier reminded me that with Fibro comes "brain fog." Also, anxiety is super crippling!
So I've just gotta deal with the facts: I can't do "that" type of work anymore. It's hard sitting in front of the laptop waiting for the unknown (guys to pay for a show). It's also challenging waiting for the phone to ring for PSO work. But they both provide the type of work that I'm currently capable of.



I think it's normal to fear that you're not gonna come out of anesthesia. The first time I was getting ready to be put under, tears started running down my face. I remember the doctor asked me why I was crying. I couldn't articulate it, and I knew it had to be done. Strange, even before I got the shot, my body put me to sleep. It's like I passed out because I didn't even make it to the countdown they tell you to do. I shut my eyes and I woke up after the surgery.
The second surgery when I went under: I knew what to expect, but this was a risky surgery. I was nervous, and sure enough, I went to sleep before the doctor came back to give me the shot. They left me alone for a while, so I took a nap, woke up after the surgery when they were moving my body to the recovery bed.





I'm derealized. I had to take today off for my mental health and get some errands ran. I'm not supposed to be driving. I don't take the road test til July 16th now. I passed the written a month ago, but I have to drive to get groceries every week.
Well there was a cop behind me for about a mile and I totally freaked. Heart rate went from 77 to 117 very quickly. I had to get new used tires as my tires didn't pass the inspection for road test (which is why it's now rescheduled for the 16th July). Any way, about 20 min later I was derealized.
I was able to manage getting the new tires, groceries, then home safely. But FUCK...I'm stressed. I'm about to meditate then eat something healthy.
Ladies...you're not alone EVER. I'm scared right now due to anxiety, but I'm being kind to myself and self-validating. I'll get through it. I always do, but in the meantime I'm a bit frightened.
Big hugs ladies. I feel your pain![]()
Sha





Went from spending $10 per month on gabapentin to almost $700 per month for Lyrica (that's with goodrx btw). The generic should have been out by now but wouldn't you know it, the company filed a law suit to keep it non-generic over some bs a little longer. idk how I'm going to manage it, but considering its the only thing that has seemed to touched the pain, I feel stuck. my insurance covers none of it and I'm angry af. Kind of considering moving states so I can switch to an insurers with a low deductible that actually covers my meds so I can stop getting robbed by my current insurer. Nevada is looking nice...




My new refurbished laptop and photography lighting show up today and I cant even be excited about it. Got home from the farm yesterday and felt a migraine coming on. I downed water like crazy in case it was due to not drinking enough in the Florida sun, as well as a few ibuprofen. Sigh. Woke up today full blown migraine. More water, ibuprofen and coffee isnt touching it. I hate that I cant be active anymore. I always end up paying for it.





I've found that setting small goals for the day instead of trying to do multiple things is the way to go. Like if you're going to cam, set up the night before. if you're going grocery shopping, let that one thing be what you do for the day.
Have you heard of the spoon theory? it's a great way to manage your day with decreased energy/abilities. here's a bit about it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory
Here's a visual representation of it
![]()




Oh, Lord. I have to raise money for a personal goal this summer and that stresses me out. I've started having panick attacks before I log on, especially if I had a bad day before. I know not reaching my weekly goal is not the end of the world, I will recover at some point during those months. I just need to stop putting so much pressure on me. I'm doing good, things will get better (say that 100 times per day).





I could have written this, as it is my life also. My migraines are so bad, that I take 800 mg prescription ibuprofen. What I usually need to do, if it doesn't go away, is.... get a Starbucks triple shot coffee, which makes the migraine subside. I drink a lot of coffee, so it takes a lot to have an effect on me.
I also seem to 'pay' for any type of activity, or active day. It saddens me, because all my friends are going out all day, everyday, without any problems. Then again. They don't work, or have health problems. I just wished they would understand that I do.
Thank You for posting this. I Love the spoon analogy. I will think of this, the next time I have lots of energy, and go overboard with doing too much.





Girl, I feel you on the putting too much pressure on oneself. I do this too & when I realize it things do get better as I make self care my aim and some relief washes over me. It takes guts to share what might be perceived as a weakness. Right on. You got those positive affirmations and legit...they will work.
Much love and positive vibes your way.
Sha





Ive come to realise Ive been using alcohol as a coping mechanism for my ocd and it's becoming really unhealthy , Im working on changing it but boy its hard












I need to get out of my head. I can do this. I failed at camming in the past because I was younger, I didnt understand as much as I do now and I didnt have this forum back then either. I also was healthier and more active so went out more and worked other vanilla jobs alongside it. Where as now, its just me, the phones and the cam. So I have to make this work, I just have to. I have to remember the potential is there to make more money then I would working a vanilla job and this job wont affect my health as severely as a vanilla job would to plus I simply can not live off minimum wage. I just cant. I need this pep talk to myself cause I need to be home. I need to work from home. I need to be able to start taking care of myself. I need this!




I'm trying so hard to cam this afternoon. My migraine is so bad. I want to throw up everywhere.
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