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Thread: Negative feelings about dancing

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    Sad Negative feelings about dancing

    I have read the sticky thread about emotional and psychological wellbeing, but it has not helped me much. Lately I have been having problems with dancing in this way, and I need to talk about it and I need advice.
    Its hard to explain, so sorry if i am vague. They aren't very bad, ive been having small nagging feelings that have started to bother me I worry about having to "lie" to customers in the small ways and if this is wrong. People also have the attitude sometimes like "well this is my charity and I'm giving you money for practically nothing." Of course I know that I'm doing a job, and putting in the work so it is not charity, unless you consider all jobs charity. Yet sometimes it lingers in the back of my mind still.
    Problems like these give me an uneasy feeling, and possibly contribute to my frequent burnout. I just have a nagging feeling that there's something wrong about the job, not sexually but in other ways like my examples. I want to know what this is and how I can work through this and feel better about myself, because I love dancing and don't want to quit, and know I have to be looking at it wrong somehow. I never had these feelings before, i used to be very positive and confident about it. I've been working for two years so I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Other than that my life is going great so I don't think its because of something unrelated subconsciously bothering me.

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    God/dess shanna dior's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    Is it at all possible for you to take a break from dancing? It might do you some good to get out of the club for a significant amount of time and really evaluate how you feel about dancing, without having the constant worry of having to make money while in the club weighing in on it.

    What exactly do you mean by "lying" to customers though? I've never felt like a "liar," per se. I mean, sure, I don't tell them the truth when they ask whereabouts I live, but I've never made up elaborate stories about myself or straight up lied to close a sale. I share an enhanced version of myself and my life -- but really, customers don't go to the club to talk about your reality anyway. It might be worth exploring that part of the industry that bothers you.

    I'm a little confused by your charity thought. Do customers say that to you? Or is that just how you feel about the interactions?

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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    How long have you been dancing?

    It sounds like you are really internalising sm of the 'mainstream' view of stripping -- that OMG dancers are all liars! & con artists! & slackers oh my! -- since it's not like, y'know, we actually DO anything but prance around in our CFM heels, shake our bums & get paid $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$! /sarcasm_off

    Echoing that customers are not there to find the 'real you', & further expanding on that point: not all customers, dancers, mgrs, etc have intentions pure as the new-driven snow. Lying, or rather fudging the truth, acts as a shield, in more ways than one. You keep your personal info private both to protect your $$ & yourself -- that is not skeezy, that's self-preservation. We dancers have to act as our own one-woman HR dept, since this is not the kind of job where most ppl really care if shit goes wrong on you at work. This is just a fact of the business.

    The biggest, loudest shit-talkers abt stripping & strippers tend to be those who know the least abt the job. Would you really take to heart what sm idiot spews abt, say, mechanical engineering when they know nothing abt the job, didn't get past Algebra2 & can't put the remote control back together w/o having pieces left-over? Then why do so w/ stripping?

    I know this may sound a bit harsh but I think you need to toughen up, or leave dancing entirely. For all the similarities between this & 'vanilla' jobs, there are simply sm realities that are unique to dancing, & trying to navigate those realities as you would in a more mainstream environment will just make you nuts.

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    God/dess ScarletKitten's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    Dancing is not charity. You are providing entertainment, company, eye candy, conversation, and more, for men looking to have a good time, or enjoy living in a fantasy world while having drinks with their buddies. Men are willing to PAY for these things, you need to remember that. You also need to remind yourself that you DESERVE all of the money that is paid to you. The men WANT to give you money, because they love you, and you deserve it! You work for it, and they show their appreciation for brightening up their day/week/life by giving you money (which is a type of energy exchange.) Your energy is entertainment, company, sex energy, and eye candy, and their energy is money. Simple as that.

    As far as worrying about lying, let that go. If you don't want to lie, then don't. Make your own world, your own reality. I don't lie if I'm not comfortable lying. I only do what I am comfortable doing, and I still make money regardless. Stop nitpicking yourself.

    Rediscover the value in yourself. Love yourself. KNOW that you are worth lots and lots of money. Stop stressing about things that don't matter. Guys want a good time, not a truth seminar. Get rid of all negative feelings about dancing. Focus on positive thoughts only.
    "Dancing tables, making deals with devils like a drunk beauty queen"

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    Featured Member Tourdefranzia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    How I look at it is that I'm not lying to the customers, I'm putting on a show, creating a fantasy. I tell them what they want to hear because that is what they are paying me for. My Valentine persona is much, much different from my real life personality. I am an actress, plain and simple.

    As far as the charity thing, I guess if that is what the customers want to think, than that is on them. Donating to charities does make people feel good. I always tip my servers an extra $3-5 over the usual amount. I do this as a way of giving back. I never tell them I am doing it because they have a crappy low paying job and I feel bad that is what they have to do for a living, though.

    I know some dancers work the "woe-is-me" angle to get more $$ from the customers and make bank. Guys like to be a white knight saving a damsel in distress. They are definitely getting some kind of emotional pay off from giving money to those girls, so in a way, they are just living out their fantasies just like all the other customers. If these guys aren't any fun for you to chat with or dance for, then it may be time to move to another club.

    I find that moving to a new club really helps me stay fresh and will stop burnout in it's tracks. I'm lucky to live in a city that has more strip clubs than Starbucks locations, but this hasn't always been the case. When I was living in a crappy little town, I had to travel out of town to work at all. Everyone was always in everyone else's business and my choice of profession was none of theirs.

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    God/dess simone87's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    lying to customers? no, its protecting yourself from possible weirdos, and even the guys who aren't weirdos..you think they REALLY care about what your real name is, or where you live or any other stupid question they ask? no. you provide a fantasy. you are an entertainer. and that's what you get paid for..any guy who is saying he's giving it to you out of charity is trying to guilt you into giving him entertainment for free, and that's pretty low.

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    Moderator charlie61's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    Try to remember that basically every client-facing job (i.e. everything from waitressing to car sales to high-end consulting) involves some degree of 'lying'. You cater to the client's needs, you feign interest in their interests, and you pretend to genuinely like people with whom you wouldn't otherwise interact outside of work. That is simply the nature of working in these industries.

    It sounds like your issue might be a bit deeper - like you're scraping the surface of what's truly bothering you. I'm not sure if this thread might help. The relationship aspect of the thread might not resonate with you, but perhaps the rest will guide you in a helpful direction.

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    vix

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    Smiley Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    I was very tired when I started this thread and i was having a hard time making myself clear.

    Its really not that huge an issue to me, like I worry about it all the time and have a horrible time at work, I love dancing and don't want to quit.

    I guess What I am really asking was just for clear explanations of the gray areas that people with "mainstream" views of strip clubs bring up, since none of it really made sense to me in either direction. I've been dancing for several years but I tend to not over think or worry about those kind of things as far as stripping goes so its confusing sometimes to me when people bring up supposed "moral" issues to me. I couldn't find the right words to explain these things to my family.

    Just the other day my aunt said that she thought it was strange that at my job people give me money for "free". Of course that's a ridiculous idea, but I couldn't think of the words to explain to her how it works. The negative feelings are about my lack of defense, not that I actually hold those beliefs. Its been making me doubt myself though, like maybe since I can't explain it those types of things might be true, but it was just a moment of insecurity I think.

    I just wanted some positive feedback and to hear someone else confirm my original feelings about it in a clearer way. Sometimes you have to remind yourself what matters you know? Btw I like using the words " energy exchange", that makes a lot of sense. Dancing is very unique in the way that you do sell "energy", which is why its hard to compare it to things and to understand it by relating it to other businesses, I guess. Anyways, thank you guys for your responses!

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    Featured Member Tourdefranzia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    To someone who knows nothing about sex work, it is a waste of breath to try to justify yourself and your career to them. Maybe just explain it as, "It's like being a Kardashian but without all the wealth and fame." If you think about it, what the heck to these "reality" stars do? They do their thing, and people like to watch them do their thing. That's pretty close to what dancers do.

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    God/dess Sophia_Starina's Avatar
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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    Quote Originally Posted by brownies View Post
    I have read the sticky thread about emotional and psychological wellbeing, but it has not helped me much. Lately I have been having problems with dancing in this way, and I need to talk about it and I need advice.
    Its hard to explain, so sorry if i am vague. They aren't very bad, ive been having small nagging feelings that have started to bother me I worry about having to "lie" to customers in the small ways and if this is wrong. People also have the attitude sometimes like "well this is my charity and I'm giving you money for practically nothing." Of course I know that I'm doing a job, and putting in the work so it is not charity, unless you consider all jobs charity. Yet sometimes it lingers in the back of my mind still.
    Problems like these give me an uneasy feeling, and possibly contribute to my frequent burnout. I just have a nagging feeling that there's something wrong about the job, not sexually but in other ways like my examples. I want to know what this is and how I can work through this and feel better about myself, because I love dancing and don't want to quit, and know I have to be looking at it wrong somehow. I never had these feelings before, i used to be very positive and confident about it. I've been working for two years so I don't know why I'm feeling this way. Other than that my life is going great so I don't think its because of something unrelated subconsciously bothering me.
    First of all, paying a stripper isn't charity. Customers exchange money for services (dances) and entertainment (stage shows) as well as conversation and company. People pay for therapy, massages, and performances. No one qualifies those things as charitable donations.

    One of my managers said "... it's the customer's money, let him spend it."

    Guys are in a club to spend... if they aren't scumbags, that is. Sadly a lot of customers get off on putting dancers down and saying manipulative garbage like shit about charity. These people knew what they were getting themselves into (unless it's their 18th birthday and they have never been to a strip club) before they set foot on the club floor. Guilt trips and mind games are ridiculously common. Whatever happened to going to a club and having a good time? Ugh.

    If you want to talk about charity... let's talk about how much we GIVE. We give so much of ourselves and jump through a million hoops to make sure the customers have an enjoyable experience. We cater to their weird fantasies, to their questionable attitudes. We put on a front and lavish them with affection even when they're being uncouth or unsavory. We GIVE people a show even if they are sitting far from the stage and barely tipping. We almost always give before we receive... we give effort and time... that means getting our makeup in order and taking the time to improve our bodies, spending money on new appealing attire so that we look good not necessarily for ourselves... but in other peoples' eyes, and giving positive vibes to guys we would never speak with if we weren't in the club.

    We give. We give A LOT. We give of ourselves... We bare our bodies for their pleasure and GIVE our best... each and every shift. We give money to work... and money is NEVER guaranteed... but when the DJ calls our name, we get up on stage and give it all we can. Because we have the faith that our efforts will be rewarded... even though, at that moment, our garter is empty... we still GIVE... and we persevere.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    ^What Sophia said.
    Quote Originally Posted by yoda57us View Post
    I wish there was an "auto-like" setting that I could just have applied to all of your posts Sophia....

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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    Try to remember that basically every client-facing job (i.e. everything from waitressing to car sales to high-end consulting) involves some degree of 'lying'. You cater to the client's needs, you feign interest in their interests, and you pretend to genuinely like people with whom you wouldn't otherwise interact outside of work. That is simply the nature of working in these industries.
    very true, creating a fantasy is part of the sell, unlike the car business, where you lie to deceive

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    Default Re: Negative feelings about dancing

    Do you feel guilty/ dirty and lied to when you go to the movies or watch netflix? I'm guessing not... you are paying for a show, knowing full well that none of what is happening on screen is real. Customers sign the same contract when they come into the club. They pay for a fantasy, an experience and that's what they get.

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