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Thread: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

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    Default Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    I met my current boyfriend a year ago. I've danced for eight years and have invested a lot of time and money into my career. I've never been particularly fond of the industry but it allowed me the freedom, money, and independence that well made up for the negatives. I've been looking for other job opportunities for the last few years and was in the process of trying out a new industry because ideally, I'd like to be done with dancing.

    I was working two jobs when I started dating my new boyfriend and initially he was okay with my dancing job. He was under the impression that I was looking to quit and eventually focus full time on my other job. Because of this, he pressured me into prematurely quitting which I neither wanted or was ready for.

    I work full time now in another industry and make decent money but it's a fraction of what I made dancing. I make enough to support my lifestyle but am still unsatisfied with the pay cut. Like with dancing, my pay is determinate of work ethic and skill to which I have no limits on the amount that I could make. I'm just impatient and finding it hard to start from the bottom. My boyfriend makes double what I did dancing and had offered numerous times to pay my expenses, allow me to stay at home, etc. I'm too prideful and independent to accept this so I still pay for all my own bills. I can't pose the question "I want to dance again because I miss the money" because I don't really need the money.

    I like my new job but it stresses me out a great deal. Ideally I'd like to dance a few nights a month just to feel "secure" because it's what is most familiar to me and what I know I can indefinitely succeed at. My new job brings challenges that I emotionally am not ready for. Relying on it as my only source of income is tearing me apart because it's even more volatile than dancing (imagine that!) I just feel like dancing on the side as a back up would eliminate some of my anxiety.

    But my boyfriend is extremely against me returning and would probably end our relationship if I did. I care deeply about him and our relationship is great (aside from this issue). I thought that after quitting for a year I'd eventually get over this feeling but I haven't.

    So I don't know what to do. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to a life without dancing and I feel like I want to go back simply to be in my comfort zone.

    I'm wondering if anyone (retired or otherwise) have felt this way?

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Can you dance on one of your days off from your regular job to have some fast cash? I took a pay cut doing entry level work, but compensate for it by going to the club once or twice a week.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Quote Originally Posted by Starling View Post
    Can you dance on one of your days off from your regular job to have some fast cash? I took a pay cut doing entry level work, but compensate for it by going to the club once or twice a week.

    No, because it would be a conflict in my relationship.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Fuck dick. Money is the only sure thing that won't try to control you or fuck you over. I would never let a man control my money or career.

    Fuck him. Is he going to pay your bills or give you extra cash? If the answer is no, I'd tell him to kiss my ass.
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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Quote Originally Posted by tempest666 View Post
    Fuck dick. Money is the only sure thing that won't try to control you or fuck you over. I would never let a man control my money or career.

    Fuck him. Is he going to pay your bills or give you extra cash? If the answer is no, I'd tell him to kiss my ass.
    He is willing to do both of these things.

    I'm not willing to accept it because I don't want to be placed in a position of dependency. Like I said in my post, I make enough money at my job to be comfortable and there is a good possibility that I can make as much or more as dancing in the future but the newness of it stresses me out. I just feel like dancing is a way to tell myself that everything is going to be okay.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    I know it's silly but I miss the dressing room and all the colorful characters I meet.

    I work with all men now so I don't get the same socialization.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Since the topic comes up a lot, and there is no real solution to dance AND keep an SO who is against the idea happy, you just have to do what's right for you. You have to decide which one is more important - the relationship or going back to dancing, I'm sure you know this already.


    Quote Originally Posted by lighthouse View Post
    So I don't know what to do. I'm having a difficult time adjusting to a life without dancing and I feel like I want to go back simply to be in my comfort zone.

    I'm wondering if anyone (retired or otherwise) have felt this way?
    Do I? I sure do and I'm having a hard time. Starting at the bottom sucks; doing a job no one else wants to do with shit pay and working with pissed off people all day. But I know it won't be forever because my salary will increase with more experience and it will open the doors to jobs where I'm not working with a bunch of pissed off people (or at least a lot less of them).

    Sometimes I think it would be nice to go back to full time dancing to get some debt and other stuff out of the way faster, but now I just try to budget and try to work a few shifts a month which helps. Until I crack at least lol. I do miss having fast cash, but I'm trying to hang in there until I get experience under my belt.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    three words ... 'lost opportunity cost' !!! You are effectively sacrificing a HUGE amount of dancing earnings potential relative to the paychecks you're receiving from your 'straight' job. Thus acceding to your SO's demand is actually COSTING you tens of thousands of dollars per year ... although that money is 'unseen'. Not earning that additional dancing money directly affects your future life ... how much have you set aside in savings ? ... how much debt are you taking on in auto loans, credit card 'loans' etc. because you didn't have the cash to buy outright ?

    Personal opinion ... it's one thing for a girl to choose to enter into a 'legal partnership' via marriage, where she actually gains legal rights to 'partnership' assets i.e. a house, the husband's retirement fund, savings and investments, etc. in exchange for sacrificing potential earnings to keep her husband happy. It's another thing altogether for a girl to 'spend' tens of thousands of dollars per year worth of 'lost opportunity costs' to keep an SO happy, and receiving zero in return should the relationship end.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Would he be cool with you taking a non-dancing job at the strip club (waitress, bartender, hostess, house mom etc.)? That could satisfy your desire to be around the industry without the need of taking off your clothes or giving lap dances to grabby guys.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    I've never understood these...when I told my ex I wanted to start stripping to help pay down debt he was so supportive and had he not been I would've walked away in half a second.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    I don't understand why in today' world so-called independent females still ask permission from a man to do what they want. This is why the double standard is alive & thriving in today's world.

    Neither of my parents raised me that way.

    No need to think all on your own, go ask your "Daddy" to make all your decisions in life so that you will have no regrets. Why come here and ask when he clearly has final say. Nothing any of write can convince him otherwise. So instead of taking responsibility for things in your life, you can always hate & blame him.

    Sam



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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Last time I checked slavery was outlawed after the Civil War. Did I miss something? Or are women still men's chattel?
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    This sounds a little more complex than just your boyfriend's opinion on your dancing to me. It seems as though you were ready to quit, transitioning to a vanilla career. This comes to most of us at some point but it is not an easy process to make that transition. You will always miss the money that you can make dancing and the way you make it, vanilla jobs have a lot of draw backs and trying to wrap your head around the fact that this is what you do now take a long time. If you want to build a vanilla career you are going to have to invest the time and energy in it and part of that is living on the reduced income.

    Good for you for wanting to maintain your financial independence, but from the sound of this you can do this with our vanilla job, have you done the calculations to make sure? It's a horrible feeling to realize that this is how 'regular' people live and it's part of the transition. From the way you describe it your boyfriend has waited for you to quit and isn't keen for you to go back, i understand you wanting to consider his feelings, that is what relationships about, but you need to be clear about your reasons for wanting to go back. As Melonie points out, if you have significant loans etc that still need paying off then it does make sense to keep your income level maximized and you need to explain to your boyfriend that dancing is to pay off these debts/ save that deposit or whatever the need is. If you had the desire to quit dancing then seeing it as a time limited way of raising funds for a very specific purpose is logical and may reassure your boyfriend that this isn't your lifelong choice of career.

    From your boyfriend's point of view what is it that specifically bothers him? The hours of dancing can make it difficult to maintain a relationship with the conventional social opportunities that brings. I know that when i quit dancing one of the things that made it easier to deal with was the upside of better quality time with my boyfriend. But you need to know if it is the jealousy element? the social stigma? the unsociable hours? At the same time you also need to honestly appraise your reasons for wanting to continue - it is a hard thing to let go of but for me the way the industry has changed helped me be glad to let have let it go as i've assessed it as no longer worth it. But you have to decide for yourself whether it is worth your while, not your boyfriend.

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    Dizzy Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Uhhhh holy shit this post is so relevant to my life it hurts. Seriously, I feel like I have to chose between minimum wage and my boyfriend or rolling in singles...Single. He met me when I was a dancer, I got pissed and quit after my manager moved me to day shift for gaining 7 lbs about 3 months into us dating. He helped me get a vanilla job but a few months passed and I hated it. fast forward 18 months we're about to have our 2 year anniversary and I got fired from my vanilla lame ass sales job and I have been looking for work for 3 months. Nothing will pay more than $8. Fuck that I can make 3X that amount in 3 minutes for a lap dance. Thanks. I have been trying to tell him I want to go back and I can't sit him down and have a serious conversation about it because I feel like it's a deal breaker for him. I don't know if the money is worth leaving him for so I am scared to tell him how I feel. Ideally I'd be over he moon if he could say yes and support my decision and we go on with our happy lives with a lot more money in our pockets. I try and bring it up casually, I even took him to the club I want to work at twice. (Both times I got offered a job in front of him.) He shoots me down when I bring it up in a lighthearted way... I feel like I am going to lose my best friend over this, but deep down I feel like this is a serious crack in our relationship. I don't feel free to do what I want. I didn't realize how much control he had on me... The other problem is if I leave him to dance I need to find a new home ASAP because I live with him. Not having a penny to my name right now thanks to not having a job, that's hard. There's only so long I can couch surf. I don't know what to do. If you find a way to balance this, let me know.

    </rant>

    Sorry bout that I just wrote a novel. Too many feels.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    The other problem is if I leave him to dance I need to find a new home ASAP because I live with him. Not having a penny to my name right now thanks to not having a job,
    Again the three words 'lost opportunity cost'. In terms of hard, cold reality, for the last two years you have sacrificed untold thousands of dollars worth of 'prime' dancing earnings potential, you have saved zero, and you have allowed yourself to become totally dependent on a BF whose commitments to you haven't increased over the course of those two years.

    In this situation, I tend to agree with an earlier poster's observation that 'it's easier to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission' !!!

    Offering a side-spin opinion following Sam's comments, one of the worst situations an exotic dancer can find herself in is having 'age' catch up with her earnings potential ... such that at age 35-40-whatever, she is no longer able to effectively earn a living at dancing ( be it for physical, psychological or whatever reason ). Thus before that point arrives, the exotic dancer needs to capitalize on her high dancing earnings potential to 'lay the groundwork' for life after dancing. There are a lot of options in this regard ... saving / investing enough money to finance outright retirement at age 35-40, obtaining a high demand college degree that will lead to a lucrative 'straight' career, acquiring a fully paid for home, car, savings etc. that will make it possible to live on a comparatively low 'straight' job paycheck, or the old standby marry a man whose income and assets are sufficient to maintain your lifestyle ( with said marriage granting you legal rights to a portion of said income / assets if and when a divorce rears its ugly head ).

    At this point, you have chosen to sacrifice two years worth of 'prime' dancer earnings potential, you have made little or no progress to prepare for life after dancing, and you are two years closer to having 'age' catch up with your dancer earnings potential. IMHO 'changing' that situation for the better, and taking advantage of the 'prime' dancer earnings potential you have left, should become a priority ... even if it means that some new 'difficulties' may arise as a result. Yes your BF may take issue. If that can't be resolved, then so be it. IMHO it's better to be 'single' with money 3 months from now as a result of a return to dancing, versus being 'single' without money 3 years from now when that BF decides to 'trade you in' for a newer model GF.
    Last edited by Melonie; 07-14-2014 at 03:28 AM.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Here is what I've learned from many strippers who quit for a man & ended up broke.

    Once the relationship ended, HE goes RIGHT back to the strip club & gets another girlfriend. I would say it is 95 out of 100 times.

    These are you boyfriends. NOT your Daddy, NOT your husband. Even if you have kids, you can't sue him as in a divorce for 1/2 his assets. So no matter what you end up FUCKED! You call that love. I call that Stupid.

    I bet NONE of these guys are pushing you towards high paying sales jobs, but low paying jobs so they can keep you under their control. Captain save-a-hoes only want to be the top money earner & in control. Hence why are you STILL the girlfriend & NOT the wife.

    Sam

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Does he at least let You vote?

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Here is what I've learned from many strippers who quit for a man & ended up broke.

    Once the relationship ended, HE goes RIGHT back to the strip club & gets another girlfriend. I would say it is 95 out of 100 times.

    These are you boyfriends. NOT your Daddy, NOT your husband. Even if you have kids, you can't sue him as in a divorce for 1/2 his assets. So no matter what you end up FUCKED! You call that love. I call that Stupid.
    I was trying to be 'diplomatic' about this point. But sometimes it helps to remove the 'sugar coating' to get the point across !

    As Sam has so eloquently put it, with RARE exceptions, strip club customers who wind up dating 'strippers' are not doing so because they are searching for 'wife' material. Instead, they are typically looking for 'benefits' from a 'friend with benefits', or are looking for 'arm candy' to impress their buds, or are looking for the ego boost that comes from having a highly desireable female become 'dependent' on him.

    Also, with RARE exceptions, much like their sports car, strip club customers who seek 'stripper' girlfriends will also start thinking about 'trading in' their current model for a 'newer, hotter' replacement every few years.

    It's bad enough when guys 'use' girls outside of the Adult entertainment industry. But where girls within the Adult entertainment industry are concerned, the 'prime' peak earnings window is relatively short and the 'clock is ticking'. Thus the $100,000 per year an exotic dancer chooses to 'sacrifice' by quitting dancing in favor of working a low paying 'vanilla' job to make her ( past and probably future ) strip club customer boyfriend happy can never be recouped.

    It's one thing for a dancer girlfriend to choose to give up $100,000 per year in dancer earnings potential in exchange for 'something' ... i.e. the boyfriend pays for a very nice lifestyle, a relationship leading to marriage is actually evolving, etc. It's quite another matter for the dancer girlfriend to choose to give up $100,000 per year in dancer earnings in exchange for a 'poverty' level lifestyle, zero progress beyond a non-committal 'friends with benefits' relationship etc.
    Last edited by Melonie; 07-14-2014 at 09:32 AM.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    I just left my SO because he couldn't accept what I did for a living. He would constantly ask me if I was seeing other men or talking to other men. I am also an escort and I met my ex off Facebook. He wanted me to rely on him financially...but he lives in another state (I live in NY and he lives in Maine) and was barely making ends meet. I found out that he was seeing other escorts behind my back...and had the nerve to get upset at me when I called him out on his behavior. I'm not sure if I even want another SO....

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    ok any time someone wants to tell what to do your being controlled...........fuck controll........met you .... loved you ..... wants to change you ..........no way............

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    Fact is NOBODY here has the right words to convince him of anything. Especially since we don't know him.

    Is there a pre-nup spelling out how he will put money into a retirement account for you? Is there a nice big expensive diamond ring on your finger in case this doesn't all work out for you in the end?

    You wouldn't be posting here if you were so happy in this relationship & wanting to go back to camming. So no matter what we say, you have to be a big girl & make a decision & live with the results.
    Men often ask females to make sacrifices to be with them, but what sacrifice is he making for you? So now you have to ask him for money to afford basics & little things that make you happy.. Is that what you want out of life? Depending on a man's generous nature in order to afford a better car, home, spa day?

    This isn't the 50s were you married a well off man & live a life of luxury.. There are no forever & ever in today's world where a man sets you up for life financially. So to give up a great income without a plan in place to make up for it is not wise.

    Two years & NOT married yet? No date? No ring? Men will live with a woman for YEARS & NOT marry her but keep promising too. They will have kids, live together & NEVER plan to marry her.

    At what point do you ask yourself "What's in it for me?" Cause make no mistake he is constantly making you jump through his hoops to be with him. He is training you, NOT the other way around. He is training you to low paying jobs, to be totally dependent upon him with out a marriage license & 50/50 percent of his earnings. That is if he even has a good job & is good with money.

    You have to look out for you. Cause he isn't. He is getting fucked by a hot ex stripper who is doing his biding for free. He is getting what he wants.. What do you want?

    Sam

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    what's a decade in a lifetime?
    ... in terms of an exotic dancer's lifetime, that's $1,000,000 worth of full time dancing earnings potential !!! And if the dancer involved also happens to be in her 20's, that's also 10/15 or 10/20 or somewhere between 1/2 and 2/3rds of her LIFETIME dancing earnings potential.

    What else ? It's the difference between a retiring full time dancer being able to live comfortably from age 35-40 on based on the passive earnings her savings and investments will generate, versus scraping by on unskilled 'vanilla' job paychecks for the next 30 years. It's the ability to buy a house and/or car outright, the ability to pay for children's college educations 'out of pocket', etc. In other words, it's a major 'piece' of both the dancer's future, as well as her childrens' future.

    In afraid Melonie is also coming across as a bit harsh to me - sure, there is the window if money making opportunity to consider, but frankly, stacks of cash aren't really the most important thing in life.
    Will it be even more 'harsh' if a former dancer winds up having to tell her children there's no way they can attend college because she spent the 18 years they were growing up working at a low paying 'vanilla' job ( thus saving zero money ) while the child's father boyfriend continued to act ( and manage money ) like a single guy with no responsibilities ? Will it be even more 'harsh' if the former dancer and her children wind up living in a high crime bad schools area because she can't afford the higher rents charged in more 'upscale' locations ? Money may not be the root of all happiness, but not having money can certainly be the cause of a whole lot of misery.

    Not wanting to put words into anyone's mouth, but Sam and I are basing our posts on a decade or more of real world experience ( each ). We have both seen fellow dancers get involved with strip club customers ... and have subsequently seen how the majority of those 'relationships' actually turned out. While I would take some issue with Sam's 95% BAD ending statistic, my own guesstimate would be at least 80% BAD endings. Is there still a chance that a strip club customer and an exotic dancer can pull off a healthy long term relationship involving an acceptable standard of living, opportunities for children, security in later years, etc. ... yes of course there is. But in the vast majority of cases that's NOT how things will turn out. Unfortunately, in the vast majority of cases the ( former ) exotic dancer girlfriend gets left with nothing but a bunch of pieces that require picking up, while the ( former ) club customer moves on to a different club ( and a different 'stripper' ).
    Last edited by Melonie; 07-14-2014 at 11:58 AM.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    A lot of people have raised interesting points, but I think that because her boyfriend doesn't want her to dance doesn't necessarily mean he's controlling.

    I'm going to echo what I read in a previous thread: if a man doesn't want a stripper girlfriend, that's his preference for whatever reason. I don't think it's fair, but that's the individual's preference and I'll have to respect it. It would be like someone who doesn't want to date someone in the military, or someone who doesn't want to date someone from a different political party, or in my case I could not date someone who would not be okay with me dancing. It wouldn't be fair for that person to try and change my mind, or vice versa. Not a good relationship combo.

    Going back to the original question at the end of the OP I already stated my experience.

    Quote Originally Posted by lighthouse View Post
    I like my new job but it stresses me out a great deal. Ideally I'd like to dance a few nights a month just to feel "secure" because it's what is most familiar to me and what I know I can indefinitely succeed at. My new job brings challenges that I emotionally am not ready for. Relying on it as my only source of income is tearing me apart because it's even more volatile than dancing (imagine that!) I just feel like dancing on the side as a back up would eliminate some of my anxiety.
    I think this is a great idea; that's what I do and it does help having another job on the side to change things up. You just have to do what's right for you, which could mean having to ditch the guy. You could take him up on his offer and try to get a nice lifestyle out of him (kind of like a sugar daddy) and it doesn't sound like such a bad gig, but I'm also independent and wouldn't feel right taking money from a boyfriend...unless he was my husband.

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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    ^^^ Regarding meeting the BF at a club, I was actually responding directly to Bad_Wolf's post, not lighthouse ... but the basic points are potentially valid in both cases.


    You could take him up on his offer and try to get a nice lifestyle out of him (kind of like a sugar daddy) and it doesn't sound like such a bad gig, but I'm also independent and wouldn't feel right taking money from a boyfriend...unless he was my husband.
    Agreed that giving up one's financial independence should at least require a HIGH level of trust in the future / longevity of the relationship. IMHO at least, BF / GF falls well below that threshold.

  35. #25
    Member Bad_Wolf's Avatar
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    Default Re: Another "SO won't let me dance" thread

    I didn't meet my boyfriend in the club, I met him at school actually. I told him on our first date I was a stripper and if he wasn't ok with that I wouldn't see him again. He was ok with it then. Now, not so much. I think he is being very selfish not letting me do a job I love and taking money out of my pocket. I have a sinking feeling we won't last if I return to dancing so really, I just have to decide when to pull he band-aide off. I know that it's going to be extremely emotionally tolling if I dump him for the club, it'll be just as hard dealing with him being controlling and overprotective while I am there. I wish there was a way to go work for a few weeks without him knowing so I had the money to leave. :/ Annnnnnd at the same time I want to stay with him. Ugh. I am split right down the middle. He wants to buy a house with me and always talks about our future, he wants to get a new, larger, apartment and sign a year lease... (We live together now, but we don't have a lease) And I don't think I can do that if he can't let me be me. He keeps telling me to get a job, get a job get a job, and I just want to tell him I don't want to work at a stupid minumum wage job part time just so I can scrape by. I want to be good to go by the time I'm 30. I want to have enough investments that I can live comfortably without needing to work and have finished my degree so I can focus on something else I love when I'm past my prime for dancing, but without financial burden. We both grew up poor as fuck, I don't plan on living the rest of my life like that. No way.

    PS
    I would NEVER date a man from the club, that's a nightmare waiting to happen. o__o Nooooo
    If you've seen my butthole before we even went to dinner, nah bro. (hahaha)

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