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Thread: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

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    Default how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    I have been 'dancing' for a cumulative few yearsish. I am not self-conscious. I am conventionally attractive. I suppose I can be socially uncomfortable, both in and out of the club, but usually once I settle in or am doing anything I'm fine--and yet, i can be enjoying a conversation, completely oblivious to my surroundings, drunk, or anything and will be told out of the blue, on an essentially nightly and uusallly multiple times a night basis that I am/seem shy/uncomfortable. after many attempts to resolve this in both my personal life as well (hell, I became a <i>stripper</i>) I have finally come to terms with the fact that it is a result of what would seem to be my permanent expression/demeanor--but it EXTENSIVELY affects how much I make. To my knowledge, in any of the dozen clubs or so clubs I have worked at, I have never encountered anyone in my situation, but I'd really like to hear of anyone who is/was. Of course, mainly, I'm pretty desperate for advice at this point. It is both mentally and financially wearing.
    Last edited by firecracker; 07-16-2014 at 10:11 PM.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    It's been said on here many times but I will say it again, if you can't do the job(stripping or otherwise) w/o getting fked up, you shouldn't be doing it.

    Just bc the alcohol makes you 'feel' more comfy in whatever situation, doesn't mean your insecurity/shyness/whatever is masked. Ppl can smell desperation a mile away, & it sounds from your description that you are so desperate to feel more outgoing or make more $$ that the drinking may be making your discomfort even more obvious.

    Further, if you are regularly getting so drunk that you feel oblivious to whatever else is happening around you … well, that is just setting you up for smtg bad to happen. Oblivious ppl tend to make much easier targets for theft or worse. Even w/o that, if you are really getting that fked up regularly just to feel like you can function at work, that's unhealthy on a few lvls & I would honestly advise you to find a different line of work.
    Last edited by Aniela; 07-16-2014 at 11:52 AM. Reason: Spelling

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    youve misunderstood me; i wasnt saying I had to be hammered to work, I was just trying to accentuate that this perception of me is apparently unalterable, and that it is completely independent of whether or not I actually feel that way.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    It sounds like you're now saying, whether you're skunky-drunk or stone cold sober, ppl still pick up on your shyness … ? Honestly trying to understand here.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    The initial post took me a moment to understand, but what I think OP is saying is that no matter her social surroundings (in or out the club) or whether she is sober or drunk, that the people she comes into contact with perceive her as being shy or uncomfortable and that this is costing her money in the club (I hope I've understood correctly).

    OP, it's good you identified that you are socially uncomfortable, because that is exactly why I believe you are giving off these vibes. People don't pick up on these things repeatedly just by coincidence. Even when you say you settle into your situation, there must still be an underlying awkwardness present on your part whether you are conscious of it or not.

    I think a problem you are having is that you have now chosen to accept this shyness - not saying that there's anything wrong with being a bit shy, but if you want to move past that, you must be in the frame of mind that it doesn't define you and moving past it is possible. A large part of how people perceive us is about how we perceive ourselves, so you have to be prepared to change your feelings on this.

    What has helped me when I have been in a situations where people were picking up on vibes I knowingly/unknowingly was trying to mask was to try to mentally engage in the present moment - that is to gear my mind to be fully aware of my surroundings, the people I am with and also to objectively observe any feelings or emotions that came across me during that period of time. It takes work and is an ongoing thing, but it has made a huge difference in being able to understand why I personally gave off certain vibes that I was completely oblivious of, and it has offered me greater control in how I handle those thoughts/feelings and hence my outward expression of them. There is a huge LOA (law of attraction) thread on this site which touches on some of those points, and is certainly worth a read.

    I would also recommend practicing positive body language too. Sometimes when you feel a certain way, your body language will completely show how you feel even if your words say another thing. That's kinda how we pick up on vibes. There are good books out there that give practical tips on how to present a certain image of yourself, and maybe if you practice some of the things in there you can 'fake it til you make it'. There is a freebie book online that I have found to be quite good here.

    Anyway, I hope I understood your problem and that this helps you.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    I just got skinny and have huge tits. Nobody ever thinks you're shy with huge tits, and even if you are they're too busy staring to care.

    Seriously gigantic tits solve 99.5% of all my problems. The other .05 might be solved by blonde hair.
    Just buy big tits. That's my advice for everything. Ok and hit the gym. And eat protein.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    sigh--union Jackie, i though you understood exactly in that first two lines, those are spot on, I didnt mean to focus on alchol it was just supposed to illustrate the extent of things.
    but what im saying is i DONT feel shy/uncomfortable most of the time (i only really do in any circumstance if im not really doing or interacting with anyone, kind of like what yo usaid, and i dont think shy is even the right word, exactly) --and i CERTAINLY didnt choose to accept it!! I think I consciously addressed it when i was much younger, in middle school, and when i was stil being told it towards the end of college I thought id go an extreme route and start 'dancing' (but no, this was not at all the only reason i did). in the past ive realized a major cause of people seeing me this way is that i dont naturally make eye contact, which isn't an indication of anything, and not somethign i even realize im not doing--my borthers are the same way--but so I conscious address it. i also know that i have an apparently sad expression when 'at rest', and try to smile a lot--to the point that occasionally nsomeone will, in direct opposition, note that I smile a ton. so yeah, what i was mostly lloking for is tips to not come off that way or to distract from it--ive looked up general body language stuff many times before and never really fuond anything helpful. im going through that thread though

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    lmao tempest - yeah ive noticed when i mon the lower end of my weight (im always varying between 100 and 110, and they are the last thing to start going) i dont do as well. sometimes when i guy is calling me shy or whatever ill even say 'look, boobs!' jokingly. but apparently i look so serious people dont realzie im joking like, ever, despite me saying i am.
    i dont want bigger though, boobs are just such an inconvenience, lol. and i run pretty much every day.
    the really funny thing is, though, last night when i was thinking about this my only solution to myself was to go back to being blond!! soo weird that yo usaid that. I stopped dying/bleaching my hair finally a couple years agocause it was so damanged and not growing, but I was/am somewhat of an addict and have been itching to in the last couple years anyway. the other thing is, thogh i believe being blond helped at work/for this, i didnt really like the way it affected me outside of it.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    Quote Originally Posted by firecracker View Post
    lmao tempest - yeah ive noticed when i mon the lower end of my weight (im always varying between 100 and 110, and they are the last thing to start going) i dont do as well. sometimes when i guy is calling me shy or whatever ill even say 'look, boobs!' jokingly. but apparently i look so serious people dont realzie im joking like, ever, despite me saying i am.
    i dont want bigger though, boobs are just such an inconvenience, lol. and i run pretty much every day.
    the really funny thing is, though, last night when i was thinking about this my only solution to myself was to go back to being blond!! soo weird that yo usaid that. I stopped dying/bleaching my hair finally a couple years agocause it was so damanged and not growing, but I was/am somewhat of an addict and have been itching to in the last couple years anyway. the other thing is, thogh i believe being blond helped at work/for this, i didnt really like the way it affected me outside of it.
    Depends on placement and CC's. Overs heal quickly (popular with bodybuilders and athletes)
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    I understand what you're saying, because I can have the same problem - not just with being perceived as shy, but also with being "angry," "sad," or "distant." And yes, I know that in those moments, I'm not feeling that way at all. Honestly, I think sometimes people just think they're way better at reading body language than they really are. Or they're projecting how they display feelings onto you, and not taking into account that, aside from identical twins, no one has the same facial structure and therefore, the other person's face might just freakin' look like that through no fault of their own. I just got back from staying with a friend with a couple weeks, and literally several times a day, I had to defend myself against her and her husband asking me what was wrong because I looked "angry." ....I wasn't angry, I was just reading, and I guess that's what my face looks like when I'm concentrating on words... dear god.

    Anyway, enough about me. In terms of your problem - shyness - what I've discovered is that the less you try to compensate for "bitchy resting face" or whatever, the more confident you actually seem. If your natural demeanor comes across as that of a a closed-off person, it almost seems to have the opposite effect to focus on trying to "turn it around," because then it really does seem forced and unnatural. Even if you're not actually feeling shy, if you're worried that you look like it, and you're still focusing your thoughts on "do this so you don't look shy, don't look shy, don't look shy," probably all that's coming across still is "don't look shy," and then people assume it's because you are shy. Whether they know as much as they think they do about what they're "reading" off of you, they're always going to assume they're right.

    Rather than trying to be the upbeat, friendly, super-flirty stripper and trying to turn around how people naturally perceive your look, maybe try a different persona? Develop a more deadpan, dominant attitude, and then your "bitchy resting face" might actually work for you, rather than against. Or play up peoples' perceptions of your shyness instead of fighting it. Go along with it. Play the "shy little girl next door" card who "deep-down" wants guys to teach her the "ways of being naughty." It doesn't matter if that's not actually you - you're playing a character at work. There's a ton of conversations in camming connection about the fact that you don't pick your niche - your niche picks you. You can desire to be perceived a certain way by customers all you want, but at the end of the day, customers are going to see you the way they want to see you and file you away in their minds accordingly. This job isn't about being true to yourself - it's about money, and if playing up a completely false notion of yourself is what might make customers embrace you and spend more money on you, then go do that and get paid! And then laugh on the way home about how stupid they really are.
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

    Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.






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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    It's got to be your body language that is conveying the wrong message. Make yourself "big" when you are at work. Stretch your arms over your head or to your sides, lead with your chest when walking/sitting/chatting, legs should be relaxed and at least inviting, if not open, shoulders should be back/down and away from your ears. Look in a mirror and stand in a pose as if you just won a marathon. Hold that pose for 2-3 minutes. Make a mental note how your muscles feel when you are in that pose, and return to that pose whenever you can.

    Even if you are not smiling, that kind of pose will convey an openness to others and make you seem approachable.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    ^ Yep. Do you unconsciously widen your eyes, raise your eyebrows, slouch, or touch your neck? Any of those little things will make people think you're uncomfortable.

    As a stripper, it helps to get into people's personal space, along with not doing the above. I'm naturally withdrawn and usually uncomfortable at work, but no one knows because my body language is like art.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    I'm guessing you get these comments largely because customers are projecting their insecurities onto you; they're trying to take you down to their level. It's one of my biggest pet peeves while dancing. And it's hard to come up with an upbeat, chipper response that turns the interaction into a sale. Perhaps pretend to consider it, and then say "Yes, actually, I think you're right...I'd be much more comfortable sitting on your lap in VIP...and you look like you're ready to rescue me!" ::lascivious grin / wink::

    An alternative theory: perhaps you haven't dealt with your discomfort as deeply as you think you have. Perhaps you've been repressing your social discomfort, and you can do so pretty damn convincingly, but it still peeks through the facade every now and then. I know that when I'm experiencing anxiety in my life, I've gotten so good at repressing anxiety that I hardly notice it...but then I will have the occasional 'random' panic attack as my body's way of saying "Fuck you, deal with me!" This likely isn't your issue, but I thought I'd speak up in case other people find my theory useful.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    i have a naturally sad resting face..always have. a lot of times i use it to my advantage though..its easy to turn on my big melancholy, wistful, puppy eyes when getting what i want outta dudes haha. other times i just train myself to use a slight mona lisa smile at work. you could have a naturally sad resting face, or just feel uncomfortable deep down and have that showing though ( something you'll want to deal with and work on) OR guys just like saying that because that's what they like to do..the whole "smile beautiful!" crap i've had to deal with my whole life..sometimes i think its just an excuse for these guys to talk to you, or take the pressure off themselves (like negging). it really infuriates me when i'm perfectly happy and trying to enjoy my day to have guys come up and tell me what emotion they think i have, and that i need to look happier..like a little ornament or something thats put there to smile at them. you are not alone..i think every girl has had the whole " you need to smile more" bullshit line.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    maybe you could reply with... "yeah, im nervous because youre cute" ...?

    I feel like that line has potential, even if you deliver it deadpan.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    Body language is huge. I agree with what the other girls said. Also don't play with your hair too much. I notice a lot of girls constantly playing with their hair and it makes them look nervous.

    What helped me seem less shy eas getting closer to the customer like right in their personal space. You're a hot chick, they won't care. The only downside is that they'll try to grab you more but try to learn to be comfortable with their hand on your back or your side and you'll never hear the word "shy" again.

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    ^ Yep. Do you unconsciously widen your eyes, raise your eyebrows, slouch, or touch your neck? Any of those little things will make people think you're uncomfortable.

    As a stripper, it helps to get into people's personal space, along with not doing the above. I'm naturally withdrawn and usually uncomfortable at work, but no one knows because my body language is like art.
    OMG I do those alllll the time! Its like a habit i cant help it

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    Read the law of attraction thread. It has helped me drastically with overcoming misconceptions.


    Good luck!

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    Also, read up on body language.

    Mirroring the customers poses has done wonders for me. It somehow makes the custie subconsciously believe that you are feeling the same thing, and he feels more comfortable/able to connect. For instance, if he is sitting with his elbows on the table, do the same. And then let's say he crosses his legs, wait a few secs and cross yours.

    Another tip is to make yourself big! Like when you walk up to a table put your hands on your hips and straighten your back.

    There are some great videos on YouTube about body language.

    Hope this helps!

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    Default Re: how to 'seem less 'shy' --in an apparent extreme situation

    I 100% understand what you mean. I am not really shy or uncomfortable in most situations, but I do know that I am naturally just an... idk, weird? person, and most people think I come off as shy, uncomfortable, cold, etc. Frankly, what helped me the most was that I got boob implants, which endeared me to far more men. I am pale and have dark hair, and both of these factors also put me on the weird spectrum, at least in Houston. IME, the hotter you are (in a conventional sense), the more people are willing to excuse your eccentricities or explain away in their own minds why your weirdness makes you quirky-hot like Zooey Deschanel or whatever. Since I got my implants, I'm also more confident in just playing up the weird thing. I was tipped $300 for being the "first artist-type stripper" an older gentleman had "encountered in a long time." Idk. I just feel like they make me way more marketable and would recommend considering them if you're open to the idea of cosmetic surgery.

    Edit: Well, shit. I somehow missed your post on not wanting big boobs in my first read. I have an issue with skipping around in threads, for whatever reason. My post is useless </3 so I'm throwing my hat in with those who say to try to turn the shy comments into a sale. I would also advise you to maybe play up the deep/mysterious/not your typical stripper thing, since you don't sound like you come off as an extrovert/party girl. I sometimes do better when I just stare into people's eyes with a small smile, like I have a secret of some kind.

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