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Thread: Love or Money?

  1. #1
    Member Bad_Wolf's Avatar
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    Duh Love or Money?

    Yes this is a "My boyfriend won't let me dance" post...
    I'm in an awkward position and was hoping to hear what you guys would do because I have no clue.
    <rant>
    I lost my vanilla job 3 months ago, and I used to make a lot of money stripping before I met my boyfriend.
    Long story short I ended up quitting a dirty club and didn't want to go back for a while because it left a bad taste in my mouth. I went through a lot of drama, lost my house, and pretty much my entire life but my boyfriend helped me pick up the pieces. I moved in with him (TO HIS PARENTS HOUSE) and I love him, and it's been alright here for the past year and a half since I left the club but I miss being a dancer... I've broke as a freaking joke and he pays my necessary bills but I feel completely dependent on him. I've talked to him about going back to dancing, and he doesn't think he can handle it emotionally. He said he'd try and understand if I absolutely had to go back, but he most likely wouldn't be able to stay with me if I did. Is he being selfish? ...Or am I the one being selfish throwing away our relationship for money?

    I feel like it's bullshit I can't have both. I was a stripper when he met me, and mentally I never left. I don't think he understands that this is something I actually enjoy doing.
    I don't know if I'm having a case of the grass is greener or what, but shit... I could be living a much better life. I can't live with his parents anymore they drive me nuts, we have a tiny ass room we stay in and I feel like I'm trapped here. I used to have a whole house to myself before this! Big difference.

    Honestly, I am extremely conflicted right now. I feel guilty for wanting to leave him for this... But I can't stop thinking about it. He's a sweet guy, but I don't know if I can stay now... I need some independence. (Not to mention I feel like I am missing out on so much money!)
    </rant>

    Anyone have an idea on this?
    Thanks for reading!

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  3. #2
    Featured Member MarvelGirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    He's being honest with you about his feelings so I don't see how he's being selfish. Everyone has different boundaries and comfort levels.

    Some women could never, ever work in the sex industry and would hate themselves for doing it. That's ok. Likewise, some men and women couldn't be in a committed relationship with someone who works in the sex industry and that's ok too. The important thing is for everyone to just be honest with themselves about it.

    It sounds to me like the two of you aren't compatible. He's not comfortable dating a stripper and you actually enjoy stripping. That doesn't make either of you bad people but it may make you incompatible. If he doesn't know you enjoyed it, does he even really know who you are? Maybe the two of you should sit down and really talk about your differences.

    Your word choice is a little telling too. You say you feel guilty about wanting to leave him so you do want to leave him, you just feel guilty about it. Also, you say he's sweet but you don't say you love him. I think you've already made your decision. Staying in a relationship with no future doesn't do anyone any favors in the long run. I'm sorry you feel bad about it though, things like this are never easy.

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    Veteran Member Warped's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Short answer: money

    I am only interested in partners who accepted and support everything I want to do in life. I ended an eight year relationship when he have me an ultimatum to quit dancing or end the relationship. That was two years ago and I have never regretted it.

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    MarvelGirl said everything I would have said.

    Regardless of how you feel abt him, it does not sound like you see him as a long-term prospect, even tho you guys have been together for a while. If that is the case, neither of you is helping the other by hanging on. It really sounds like you are mentally checked-out from the relationship. I would break things off now, trying to maintain good terms, b4 the conflict over dancing/$$ gets to the point where post-bf/gf friendship is impossible.

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bad_Wolf View Post
    I don't think he understands that this is something I actually enjoy doing.
    He's probably actually terrified you do!

    Not many men have the ability to trust to the extent they feel nothing knowing their girlfriend is being physically sexual with other men on a daily basis. Of those who do feel uncomfortable about that thought, being open with them and setting clear boundaries can help them tolerate it. Maybe this is the direction you should try with him?

  9. #6
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Ugh you guys are so right... Thank you!
    The real challenge now will be trying to stay friends with him. Poor thing. He loves me so much. (Maybe too much or I wouldn't feel like he was controlling and keeping me from everything) Putting together an entirely new life for myself is going to be a biiiitch. I need to get my own apartment but in order to do so I need money, and to do that I need to get a new job... Which requires me not living at home anymore because break up means move out immediately. Hopefully I can get some overlap and go back to work before I break up with him so I can have a new place lined up... Or at least the funds to do so and only have to couch surf for a few days. Fingers crossed. Thank god I have a storage unit but I do not want to be a stripper living out of her damn car.

    The amount of planing this is going to take is ridiculous... I would have done it sooner if I could have I guess I just hit my breaking point.
    I hope my friends are going to stay with me, I'm sure they will, but they where my boyfriend's friends first. I'm one half filled with dread but at the same time so excited to get back to my life pre-relationship... But better because I am a much smarter person now. (especially financially)

    Thanks guys, seriously

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    I hope everything works out for you. I put off breaking up with my last bf for about 6 months longer than I should. I was "broke as a joke" as well, and after getting fired from one of the only good clubs around here, my bf was not very supportive of me trying again elsewhere. At that point, I had been considering escorting for a long time, thought I'd be better at it and enjoy it more than stripping, and actually really wanted to do it to get myself out of financial distress. But I kept telling myself that ending such a long relationship with a sweet guy who loved me so I could go be a prostitute was a stupid thing to do, so I put it off until I couldn't bear it anymore.

    Over a year later, I'm incredibly happy with my choice. He no longer speaks to me, and that really sucked when I realized that was the path he was choosing to take, but that is his choice, I respect it, and I have never regretted finally going through with the breakup. When it's time, it's time, regardless of how "bad" your reasons may seem to outsiders. You know what's best for you. Trust it.
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Honey, I've been in this business long enough. I've worked many "adult" positions. I see the same thing ALL the time, I see so many girls trying to choose between their work, or the guy who they think they love and will quit for. Let me tell you this. I can tell you that if you are even questioning it, stop. If you really dont' want to do this the rest of your life, then work a lot right now and get an exit plan and then find your true love or whatever it is that you ultimately want to do in life. Because quitting your job for a guy who wants you to do it isn't going to get you anywhere unless you have a real exit plan and secure plan to take care of yourself on the way out. And that is the truth.

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    Senior Member PrincessWhooty's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Money.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    I would feel very uncomfortable living with a man's parents. Why is he still living with mommy and daddy??!! How old is this "man"? ugh. I'm glad to see you are getting out of that situation.


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  17. #11
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    what's the old adage ???

    'Money can't buy love ... but it can certainly rent it for a while !'

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Money.
    "Fake tits are like Kevlar. They don't guarantee your chances of survival but they sure as hell improve it."
    Tempest

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    I always have bet on money! Money has not failed me yet. Girl, you can always get another man but do you another chance at total financial independence?

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  22. #14
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    I agree with what Marvel Girl said, while I know it's the popular opinion on this board to think that any guy who doesn't accept stripping is a total a-hole, and many of the guys posted about here are, that doesn't mean that EVERY guy who can't date a stripper is a piece of shit.

    That being said, it doesn't like ya'll are compatible anymore-- sometimes relationships only serve a purpose for a while, and then they no longer work. One of my exes helped me out when I was in a terrible part of my life and we dated for 2 years and I wish that we had broken up a LOT sooner than we did (I cheated on him for 2 weeks and then broke up with him because I couldn't take the guilt) because things got so terrible towards the end we can't really be friends anymore. He was a really sweet guy, we just were not compatible. He reminds me a lot of your guy, actually. I don't think either one of you guys is being unreasonable or selfish, you just want to live very different lifestyles.

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  24. #15
    Member Bad_Wolf's Avatar
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    Dizzy Re: Love or Money?

    Baaaaaah everything I typed just got deleted! Nooooo! D:

    Anyway I'll try and remember what I just said.

    First off, OMG my favorite ladies on here are giving me advice, I am so honored. *baby fangirl moment*
    Secondly, thank you so much for reinforcing what I was already thinking to myself, I was feeling like such a moron for not being able to pull the trigger and make up my mind. I know now that I need to start living my life again! I am so excited to be on my own, dancing again, and getting my shit together. My dancer BFF is super happy about my decision to leave the man-boy and come back to the club. (PS for those who wondered my BF is turning 25 in october... and he still lives at home!! To top it off when I moved in he STILL HAD BUNK BEDS. BUNK. FUCKING. BEDS. WTF WAS I THINKING?! I'm blaming hormones for that decision.)

    Now the hard part... How the hell do I transition to living here with him, to dancing and saving enough to move out, and getting my own place without ending up homeless or couch surfing? I am so not about that life, did that before, never again. I mean, I have $6 to my name right now because he's supporting me, that won't pay for lunch let alone an apartment! Thank god I've had my stuff in storage for the past 2 years on the offbeat chance this would happen! I HAVE FURNITURE WOO *high-fiving myself*
    Like, I have to go out and audition for a new club, god forbid they don't think I'm thin enough, (Mons Venus is fucking picky), and if that doesn't work out, I have to keep going around to find things. I'm paranoid as fuck about that. Plus I'm picky too. I only want to work in a full nude place if I can, I prefer to avoid people drinking.

    But seriously... Now I have to do the hardest thing ever and break up with this guy who was so nice to me that just isn't lifetime material. That is so hard! I've got no clue how to go about this... I live here! Not to mention I feel like I've gotta break up with his whole family too. Ugh they love me. But I need to go.
    Howwww? I am so freaked that I'll have to couch surf if I fuck this up. Meeeeeh... I'm probably over-complicating things. Should I lie to him and say I have to babysit for a friend for the weekend to go audition or just tell him I'm going back to dancing and he can suck it?
    99% of my friends are mutual friends between us so I don't really know if I can rely on them for help...

    Haha I need an escape plan that minimizes hurt feelings, exposure, and homelessness. Any ideas?

    Thank you again loves, you've helped more than you know!

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    ^^^ well, the 'easy way out' is to simply lie. See if you can land a day shift at a local club, squirrel away the money you earn for a few weeks, while telling him any kind of 'cover story' you like in regard to your daytime absence - until you have accumulated sufficient funds to part company. This can end on your terms, with no risk of 'couch surfing', but will undoubtedly come across as devious and calculated to your mutual friends.

    The more 'mature' way is to land a night shift at a local club, then tell him the very next day exactly what you plan to do and why, and 'let the chips fall where they may'. Yes this has the potential to place you in 'couch surfing' mode, but it is honest and above board ... something that at least some of your many mutual friends will appreciate and accept. Also, in the worst case, you could sell the contents of your storage unit to raise a little bit of instant cash.

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    ^^^ I agree, sell some stuff as soon as you can. I'm doing it ;-)

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    OP there is a club in West Palm Beach called Wild West Gentlemen's Club and it has no fees or tip outs except to the DJ and House mom.
    It also provides apartments/housing for the dancers.
    Now it looks pretty nice in pictures and there are some good thing on yelp about it but seeing as there is no review on SW I don't know much other than that.
    You can check out the website here and maybe contact them to ask about the forementioned.
    I wish you the best of luck <3
    http://wildwestfl.com/jobs.php

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    I don't know if you're still in Tampa, but I saw that as your location.
    IDK if you're willing to travel or how far WPB is from you but I thought it wouldn't hurt to let you know about the place//

  30. #20
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    I think sometimes you have to just bite the bullet and take some of the crap that comes with big life changes. Yeah, it would be great if you could get everything you want out of this situation without hurting anyone, pissing anyone off, and not having to move out of the (ex)-bf's house until you're financially stable without his parents giving you the evil eye. But, realistically, what are the odds of that? You might not like the initial fallout of just being upfront rather than sneaking around to make sure you have all your stuff straight, and you might have to do some things that make you uncomfortable for awhile, but at the end of it all, no one can say that you weren't mature or forthright about everything.

    In terms of the break up - I wouldn't mention dancing. I mean, yes, that's kinda-sorta why you're breaking up, but is it really the main reason? If you saw yourself potentially marrying this guy, would it be as big of a deal? Probably not - you said yourself that you just don't see a future with him. Say that. He's a wonderful guy, you've treasured your time with him and appreciate everything he's done for you, but you think that ultimately you two aren't compatible for the long-run, so it's better to end things now than to drag out a relationship that you know isn't going to end in forever. Did I tell my last ex that I was dumping him because I wanted to go escort, and I knew, with how shitty our personal sex life was, he would never approve of it? FUCK NO. But ultimately, it wasn't just about that. I could honestly say that so many other things went into me being unable to picture a real future with him, so I focused on that. It will hurt - it will hurt both him and you, and you'll feel like crap because you can tell that he feels like crap. But there is really no "nice" way to break up with someone. So don't put it off trying to find some magical "no-hurt-feelings" way to do this, because it doesn't exist.

    Be prepared for his family and friends to dislike you now. Especially family. "Fair" or not, they are his parents, so they're automatically not going to feel kind and generous toward the woman breaking his heart. I would personally write them a letter describing how grateful you are for everything they've done for you, and wishing them well. It would be too difficult to have the conversation one-on-one when everyone is hurting. Don't express that you hope they can still like you or that you want to still stay with them. Just express your gratitude for the past, and let them make their own decisions regarding how to feel about you in the future.

    Depending on your one-on-one relationships with the friends, you may keep some of them. Just be consistent with your actions and story. Don't act all hurt that you're breaking up with bf to his face, and then a week later, complain about his man-childness to a mutual friend and proclaim how happy you are to be away from him and stripping again! That won't go over well, and will probably get back to him and his family. When it came to my high school ex and our mutual friends, whenever anyone would ask me "Omg, he was such an awesome guy! Why did you guys break up?" I wouldn't tell them "Because he was an emotionally abusive twat." I would just shrug and say "We're both young, and just not compatible for the long-term right now." I've never gone into more detail than that with mutual friends. That's what personal friends are for - and you will make some eventually. And the friends who don't want to stick around you now? You'll just have to accept that and let them go. It's their choice.

    And, lastly, get out as soon as the deed is done, even if that means couch-surfing for awhile. I know you hate the lifestyle, but doing that for a month is better than begging to stay with an ex and his parents when they're all mad at you for breaking up with him. And stripping on top of it? In a perfect world, sure, you could just say "Well, we're breaking up cuz I'm going back to dancing and I know you won't like it so screw you - but hey, I can still live here until my stripper money can pay for an apartment, right?" - but, seriously?? Not only is that a little ridiculous, but if he's really a genuinely nice guy that you feel bad hurting, do you really want to rub salt in the wound like that? Crashing on a friend's couch for a little while sucks, but if you hit the ground running applying to clubs and then working your ass off, it shouldn't take you that long to save up for your own place. Sometimes, big life changes mean short-term sacrifices like that.

    Sorry for the novel, but I hope everything works out!
    Don't try to win over the haters. You are not the Jerk Whisperer.

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  32. #21
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Quote Originally Posted by Bad_Wolf View Post
    But seriously... Now I have to do the hardest thing ever and break up with this guy who was so nice to me that just isn't lifetime material. That is so hard! I've got no clue how to go about this... I live here! Not to mention I feel like I've gotta break up with his whole family too. Ugh they love me. But I need to go.
    Howwww? I am so freaked that I'll have to couch surf if I fuck this up. Meeeeeh... I'm probably over-complicating things. Should I lie to him and say I have to babysit for a friend for the weekend to go audition or just tell him I'm going back to dancing and he can suck it?
    99% of my friends are mutual friends between us so I don't really know if I can rely on them for help...
    It was the same for me when I broke up with my ex, I was basically living with him and had been for 2 years so I had to break up with his family as well... I don't know if I went about it the best way, but I just called him and said that I couldn't be with him any more and it had nothing to do with him but it was entirely me, I wasn't in a place mentally to be in a relationship. I was extremely vague about it and obviously didn't tell him I had cheated on him since I felt like that was just adding insult to injury (no need for him to ever know) and the conversation involved a lot of crying on his part. I felt so horrible but I feel like I couldn't have done it in person I would have folded. I had my friend pick up all my stuff from his place so we didn't have to see each other-- he really pushed for a meet and I had to get pretty firm about that and say there was nothing to meet about because he wouldn't change my mind-- and it took about a month for me to get my stuff as he kept holding on to it, I think it was his way of avoiding ending the relationship.

    I think the fairest thing to do is like Aurora said just move out and land on your own two feet, it's not fair to basically use him for a couple more months as you get your shit together. And I really suggest being vague, it helps avoid him promising to change and do whatever to try and get you back.

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  34. #22
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    You guys are seriously the best thing since sliced bread. Seriously.

    Aurora_Sunset thank you so much for the novel you wrote me, I feel like I can do it with a legitimate plan now!

    Today I secured a place to go after I rip off the band-aid! (With my mother.......) Conveniently enough my dancer friend of mine asked me to baby sit for her 3-4 nights a week for 3 weeks, so I will be out of the house during prime night shift hours watching the wee one. Which is the perfect way to establish my cover so my family doesn't wonder where the hell I go at night! (And gives me 3 weeks to tone up a little more before auditioning anywhere upscale) So I'll spend about 2-3 months living with mom getting as much money in my pocket as possible, get fake "hired" a more believable income producing job that would make having my own apartment not seem ridiculous, (I'm thinking bartender since she hates going to bars or graveyard shift telemarketer) and then I can get on with my merry self! Yaaaaay! My mom is beyond excited to have me back and breaking up with the boyfriend, ugh now I just have to do it.

    I get worried I may chicken out of the whole thing sometimes, or that he will convince me to stay... For some reason I can't say no to him sometimes. I'm discreetly moving a few small bags of clothes/personal effects out of his house every time to go out so hopefully by the time it's time to go I'll have a much quicker time of moving out.

    Do you think I should give his parents a heads up before I break the news to the BF so they know what's going on? I feel like I should, I think they'd be very understanding. I can get my thankyou's and it's nothing personal's out to them before their son starts freaking out at home. (He's a handful x5000 when he's emotional, I feel like for his parents sanity I should give them at least an hours warning)

    I seriously can't believe I'm going through with this! I AM SO EXCITED! And equally sad at the same time, I don't like it when things end.
    Weird, I've never been the one to break up. Ever. This is so new to me. I've always been dumped. (SO LAME)

    One exception was the last "Long term gentlemen caller/boyfriend-esq/strictly sexual thing" I just annoyed the crap out of him till he did it himself, he was a freeloading turd. (Seriously he'd sit naked on my living room floor, use my laptop, eat my food, AND NOT GET DRESSED WHEN MY ROOMMATE GOT HOME. JUST STAYED BUTT NAKED, SAID HI AND IGNORED HER WHILE SHE FREAKED OUT ON HIM. He didn't even live there!)

    I'm glad I've got my safety net set up, I feel like other than getting a few bucks in my pocket from the sitting job and moving my things out I should be good to go soon. I am seriously just letting this fester. UGH. But heyyyy at least I am finally making it happen!
    Thank you all again for your support!! This have been BEYOND helpful! I probably would have talked myself out of it and spent 6 more months miserable trying to make it work. I feel empowered to go get my shit together! I'll keep y'all posted on how it goes. (when it goes baaah) Hopefully in a few weeks I'll be free as a bird!!

  35. #23
    Senior Member ImmoralAllure's Avatar
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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    deleted
    Last edited by ImmoralAllure; 05-03-2016 at 11:54 AM.


    It's not how much you earn, it's how much you save!



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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    ^ that's true, but i also think you should never have to give up financial independence for anybody. its not worth it, and it rarely works out well. relationships can end with next to no notice..you should never put yourself in a position of dependence on somebody else, it can be very dangerous. i don't think you should give that up for anybody

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    Default Re: Love or Money?

    Quote Originally Posted by ImmoralAllure View Post
    I think if you stay with this guy and don't go back to dancing, you will always be feeling those feelings of "what if".
    You need to be completely honest with him and tell him how you feel you have lost your independence, and that you enjoy dancing, AND you want to stay with him. See what he says.

    My personal philosophy is that there are so many people in the world - that if someone doesn't align with you and your values to a high degree, there will be someone else out there who will.
    I know I'd rather be with my most ideal match than someone who is a pretty good match.

    Also think about what is important to you in life. It is different for everyone.
    I tried that 2 weeks ago actually, that's what sent me on the path to actually ending our relationship. He won't let me dance, he said if I went back he couldn't handle it emotionally and wouldn't stick around for the ride. He's a good guy, a pretty good person, he's just not a perfect fit. It's tearing me up on the inside thinking of hurting him, but it has to be done or I'm going to spend the rest of my life like this. I don't feel like "settling" for the first guy who actually treated me nice.

    I want to be independent, set myself up for a good life. Even my friends who were morally opposed to me going back to dancing said go for it when I told them what I used to make a month before. They were actually shocked I stopped and started living my current lifestyle. (granted this conversation came before the boyfriend telling me absolutely not if I wanted to keep him)

    In other fun news, my mom told me today she knew I was a stripper before I met the BF. Awkward. Whelp! At least I know she's not going to disown me! Hahaha gotta love moms, full of surprises. I'm not telling her I'm going back, I don't want to deal with that conversation unless absolutely necessary.

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