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Thread: Lost my father

  1. #1
    Featured Member rareaspasia's Avatar
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    Default Lost my father

    My father passed away in March of this year after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He died less than two weeks after the diagnosis and it has left this huge gaping hole in my life. I lost my mother as a teen after an extended illness and my stepmom committed suicide when I was twenty-five and my two brothers are douchebags so my father was pretty much all I had left. I was already feeling burned out from dancing but now it's like a light has gone out. I've always done decently and now my earnings are seriously embarrassing most nights. I've already taken a serious amount of time off and am barely dancing, but I'm burning through my savings and if I didn't have my day job I'd be screwed. I'm taking a few weeks off right now but when that's over I NEED to get back to making more than I have been. I know that I need to take care of myself emotionally and what not, but bills must be paid and I don't want to use up all of my savings. I'm already seeing a psychiatrist to treat my bipolar disorder but all medication does is take the edge off. I've thought about therapy but I dread having to find a therapist who won't get shitty about stripping. At this point I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm trying to do everything right and am getting nowhere.

    I think I'm just venting here. Most of my friends have no idea that I dance and even those that do have no idea how much of it depends on being able to put on a happy face.

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  3. #2
    Member Snow X's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my father

    I think you might need some time to process all of this, I've been through some similar ish and after years of therapy I can honestly say that you just have to grieve at your own pace. Maybe take a break from stripping until you feel you can. Wishing you well.

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    Default Re: Lost my father

    I was in a similar situation last summer. My ex died suddenly, & altho we were not on speaking terms at the time he was still sm1 I cared for deeply. Work was already tough bc of summer $$-drought & I had to take a couple wks off to deal, then go back long b4 I felt ready bc bills were piling up & I did not have the luxury of a day job. My earnings for that period were piss-poor bc I could barely function, & grief + work stress + $$ stress … it snowballed horridly. I even had to get rent $$ loaned to me by a friend.

    The only way to get thru is to just go one day at a time, as best you can. Set lower initial goals for yourself at work (I often did this anyway bc I am pretty shy & easily discouraged) so once you reach & then surpass those small goals, you can breathe a little easier & relax a bit the rest of the nite. Be a little more selective w/ customers, as far as how much back&forth you will tolerate. The wankers will drain you even more quickly while you are in this vulnerable state, so do what you can to maintain your sanity at work.

    You will be ok again, all you can really do is deal w/ it in your own time. So sry for your loss.

  6. #4
    God/dess Issabelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my father

    I lost my mother to undetected cancer very suddenly as well so, first and foremost: hugs. I've been there. There's is no depth to how strongly I say I'm sorry for your loss. Losing a parent while young is an experience I don't wish on anyone.

    My mother passed away while I was just starting another year of college. My grades tanked, I made a lot of terrible decisions that came back to bite me in the ass personally, professionally, and academically (and I mean permanently bite me in the ass here), and my relationship with my father was in turmoil too because of how differently we responded to that death. I'm not going to sugar coat here: I was a fucking zombie running somewhere around sub-autopilot.

    Dealing with this is going to be a lot like dealing with major depression (because fuck--that's what this IS). Your bipolar disorder, obviously, complicates things further. Your grief is a full time job right now. I can't thing of a single other description for it. You'll need to scale back on everything you do because you'll need twice as much time and energy to do it. For me, personally, I didn't and I was absolutely wrecked because of the sheer time it took to get back to normal. Even when I thought I was fine, reflection tells me just how far from fine I really was in thoughts and actions.

    Obviously, you need to work. If you can only mentally handle going back to your day job right now, so be it. If you need more money than that, get by on the bare minimum you can without causing yourself additional stress in the form of finances. I don't know how close dancing is to camming, but I would definitely have more trouble being self-employed in an arena that wasn't a clock in-clock out scenario if I had to go through that grief all over again. I just couldn't force myself to work if no one cared whether or not I showed up. So, for better or worse, my advice would be to focus on getting your day job to deal with as many bills as you can and slowly get back into dancing as you feel you can tolerate it.

    Some people can jump back in and use it as a coping mechanism, but let's be honest here--productivity has tanked. Best to focus on you as much as possible.


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    Featured Member rareaspasia's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my father

    Just wanted to say thank you, guys. I took a vacation from dancing and took a week off from both jobs and spent time traveling and visiting family and it helped me find a little peace. I went back to the club for one night this week and took it easy on myself. No more beating myself up for not making what I want. I know that I'll make enough to get my bills paid and that everything else will just have to wait while I learn to live my life without my father. Money isn't always that important. That's a hard mental adjustment for me but I'm making it.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my father

    Hello, so sorry to hear of your loss. Glad you're taking it easy. Take care.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

  11. #7
    God/dess Elektra Luxx's Avatar
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    Default Re: Lost my father

    I just wanted to say, I'm glad your doing better and to wish you well. I'm sincerely sorry for your loss. (Hugs)

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