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Thread: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

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    God/dess Selina M's Avatar
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    Default Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    I feel like anyone who knows what I do is always expecting me to be handing out wads of cash to anyone who asks. I get it at work from DJs/management/bouncers expecting huge tips for doing jack shit, and then at home from family and friends.

    My parents are the main culprit, and they make me feel the worst about it. Last week, their TV went out and my dad keeps going "I wish you'd buy me a TV". I'd totally buy them a small one, but he won't be happy unless it's a 50" plasma like the old one (which was around $1k). He screwed up their computer somehow (I think he clicked a popup and got a virus); this is the 3rd computer he's done that to; and now his lack of income is MY fault because I won't buy him another computer (and how he thinks he's gonna make income when he can barely use the thing, I don't know). They've called me numerous times over the years wanting me to pay various other bills for them as well.

    It'd be one thing if their financial situation wasn't their fault... but it is. They had 2 businesses that pulled 400k a year for several years; they saved none, blew all of it, including my college fund, so when the economy tanked they were screwed. Now they're living on SS, the $600ish my mom makes grooming dogs, and the $20 a day she pulls out of their retail store (no paycheck otherwise). They refuse to close this store even though she's been offered more days at the grooming place (which is usually $100+ a day). If I buy anything visibly expensive, or take any trips, my dad subtly gives me crap for spending money and not "helping them out". I'd be happy to help them out in creating more income; I've tried to teach them some marketing stuff, built them a new website/FB page for the business, helped my mom do online job apps... but once I stop holding their hand, they stop doing any of it.
    They're my parents and I love them dearly, I appreciate everything they did for me as a kid, but I feel that if I keep giving them money, they'll REALLY stop trying and just expect me to pay for things.

    Now my bf's friend from rehab is asking me to lend her money "until her paycheck hits". I've hung out with her maybe 3 times outside of visiting him at rehab, and she has the nerve to ask me to lend her money? Especially being that 2 weeks ago she was asking him for Suboxone (which she doesn't need and means she's trying to get high from it, so this $$ is probably for pills). Oh, because I'm a stripper, so I can give her money, no big deal.

    So yeah. I'm sure you ladies have all been in this scenario at some point. Any advice on dealing with it?
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Would it be possible to move away from these people?

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    God/dess simone87's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    screw that random chick asking to "borrow" money ( money that i can almost guarantee you will never get back), i never lend anybody any money and 100% expect it back. i've had best friends borrow hundreds and never have i ever seen a cent of it returned. you don't owe her shit, it wouldn't matter if you were a damn millionaire she isn't entitled to your money. she can wait for her check just like everybody else with a vanilla job. my advice would be not to give in at all, because once you do they expect it and get a major entitlement complex. " oh but you did it last time, or loaned so-and-so money! you're just being selfish and miserly for not giving me your hard earned money!" screw that noise. if they want that kind of money, they can put on a thong and 6 inch heels and work hard long hours .

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    ^^^^^^^^^^There is an idea. Loan her an old thong and give her the address where she can go to audition.

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    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Angry Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    I am surprised @ none of this, check out this quote a former signature of mine: Quote Stuart:
    There's lots of people in society that have no morals when it comes to money. Family, friends, colleagues & strangers are all treated alike.
    I didn't even read thru your thread all the way, & I am chopping @ the bit to answer.
    F** it, F all that!
    I was so kind to a 'friend' for soooo many yrs..I could fill a book about it honestly..she thinks she's entitled b/c she gives me 'advice' once in awhile, that's like common sense really..
    The last straw(s) were when she told me I shouldn't shop (for like 1 clothing article) b/c "I have nice things"? (Like why do you care B? oh right I should just give every cent to you?), & I should GIVE her my prescribed pain meds, so I 'don't have to throw them AWAY!!??
    NOOO, don't..you may need the $ yourself. You work damn hard for that $. Don't do it. DO NOT.
    Thank You.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    I can relate with this. The whole every other employee in the club wanting a cut thing was actually the worst when I was in Phoenix, they acted like we all had lots and lots of money to tip them out even when they see the club is dead and nobody is really making money. Seriously? When your door count for the night is less than the number or dancers you have working how the hell do you expect fantastic tip outs and house fees from everyone?

    As far as people in your life are concerned, I've gotten this too. "friends" and family who ask to borrow money and expect you to pick up the check every time, and don't understand when you tell them you can't afford it. I believe that people who have never danced or been in the industry don't understand that most girls don't clear 1,000 dollars or more every single time they work.

    As far as those people are concerned, I can understand that they are family and friends and people you mostly care about so you'd want to be able to help them but you really don't owe them anything nor should they expect you to be their walking atm. I think the only way you can really deal with this without screwing yourself out of money by giving them whatever they want is to be firm and tell them no. If they get pissy and don't want to be your friend after that then you're better off without them. This is probably why most of my friends are fellow dancers now lol. You were right when you said that if you keep helping them and giving them money they're going to expect it every single time and you definately don't deserve to be walked on like that.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    They are not friends. They are parasites tricking you into thinking they are your friends. When you stop being their host they will disappear.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Yea, also, DO NOT TALK about $, or any $ you gotten/made lately, don't let them see/know about anything you've purchased, etc.

    Edit: If they do find out about some $ you have, purchases, etc. be sure to make something up to offset it: "Oh, I HAD to buy/do that, for XYZ, or in my case, OMG! dental bills, etc.
    Last edited by whirlerz; 10-01-2014 at 07:33 PM. Reason: add info


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Get distance from your family. Talk to them less often and tell them if they ask for anything, you will hang up. Then follow through and hang up.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    I think we should be able to ask our family for help in a crisis (both ways), but stuff like new TV's and computers is something grown up people should be paying for themselves! You're actually not helping your parents when you are paying for their things, just making it harder for them in the long term to get ahead. They need to sort it out! They seem to have a very bad relationship to money, maybe recommend them some books on how to handle their finances. Make it clear to them that you love them very much but that you will not be paying for their spending and that they need to stop asking.

    As for acquaintances and friends asking for money, just say no, no explanation needed, the only exception would be your best friend that you know will return it.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    If I'm ever having a hard time with rent or finances, I hate how other people will say "oh well if you just worked more, you'd have so much more money and you wouldn't stress as much. Ugh! They don't ever understand how hard & inconsistent our job actually is. People seem to think we've all got thousands in our bank accounts at all times which most of us don't. Sorry that happened to you babe, just tell them no & hang up the phone. I had a situation last year when my ex left me homeless & fat (unable to work anywhere) and I drove across the country to my hometown hoping she'd at least help me a little bit to at least get back on my own feet bc it seemed she felt sorry for me & all she did was haggle me about not dancing anymore but yet wouldn't really give me any money to survive on.
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    I have riffed about this here before, you love your family, and you need to do whatever you need to do to avoid hating your family. If you 'lend' them money or get involved in their drama you will end up hating them, and that is not good for you

    So, however you get distance, do it.

    Personally, I have always been an asshole[surprise,huh] I live my life with one eyebrow raised as in 'are you fuckin kiddin me?' I feel no requirement to answer phone calls, go to people's houses, invite people to my house, or otherwise interact with anyone in any way I don't choose to. Yet I care about people very deeply, but in in the manner and to the extent which I deem appropriate.

    How do you get to be like me? I dunno, lobotomy maybe......

    To me it is simple, 20 years from now you want to be able to be happy to see any member of your family.
    How do you get there?
    Dunno.
    A start may be to get your relationship with them under your control[it already is, but you need to start exerting that control]

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    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    I went through this in regard to my mother ... who needed $4,000 to replace her puking boiler, didn't have the money ( or the credit ), and couldn't get any financial help from my brothers and sisters. By pure coincidence ( tongue in cheek ), my mother's opinion of me being an adult entertainer turned a 180 degree corner as soon as I put the stack of cash in her hand !!!

    I also made the mistake of 'loaning' money to a family member ... and soon discovered that I wasn't considered to be a 'real' creditor who actually needed to be paid back. Since that expensive learning experience, I have sworn off making loans / cosigning loans altogether. I now occasionally give money to family members for 'worthy' causes, with no expectation of repayment. I figured that being 'financially envied' and viewed as a 'ho' by family members was bad enough, without adding 'evil bill collector' to their reasons to dislike me.

    Also, this is a perfect real world example of the 'crabs in a bucket' mentality in action ... as was recently discussed in another thread !!!
    Last edited by Melonie; 10-02-2014 at 09:53 AM.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    That's horrible of your parents, honestly! I can't believe they would guilt you about not buying them a huge flatscreen TV! I mean, if they couldn't afford insurance and your mother needed a medical treatment, that I can understand... but a computer and a TV? Those are non-essential items, and it sounds like it was their fault in the first place.

    I do hate how everyone assumes that we just make thousands every night-- not only is our income completely unpredictable, and it means you can't just shelve out tons of cash for luxury expenses, but we have no disability insurance and work a job that requires a lot of physical effort. What if you were to give them money for the flatscreen and break your ankle tomorrow and be out of work for 6 weeks?

    I'm horrible with lending money because I'm really good at paying people back-- I HATE owing people money, I feel like I can't even look them in the eye when I see them as I feel like such a leech, so if I borrow money from someone it's paid back to them immediately, like if I was go to go work and only make enough to either pay them back or pay a bill, I would go with paying them back. So I assume that most people are like me. And then am extremely disappointed when I find out that they're not.

    The people that really annoy me are the ones that borrow money but then are like the most frugal, ungenerous people on the planet. If I'm with a friend and we go out to get lunch and they've forgotten their wallet or something and ask me for a little loan, I just assume I'm gonna buy them lunch and they'll cover it some other time. The people that don't pay back are always the ones that would say "uhhm well I only have enough for mine, sorry..."

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    When I was dancing, I had all sorts of people asking me for money. However, they stopped when I used these magical words: "I pay about 40% in taxes because I have to file as 'self employed', so I'm actually poorer than you". It worked like a charm. I did had more money, duh, but they wanted money for frivolous things.





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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    When I was dancing, I had all sorts of people asking me for money. However, they stopped when I used these magical words: "I pay about 40% in taxes because I have to file as 'self employed', so I'm actually poorer than you". It worked like a charm. I did had more money, duh, but they wanted money for frivolous things.
    Brilliant, exactly what I was talking about, but put better.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Thanks for all the replies

    The "friend" asking for money was annoying largely because it was so ballsy given how I barely know her, and I bet she wouldn't have asked if I wasn't a stripper.
    As far as the parents go, I will just tell them I will give them money when they prove they can manage it. That's so ridiculous to have to tell 2 grown ass adults that, but seriously.

    The taxes are a good point. Whereas most people keep their entire paycheck and get a tax refund usually, we have to pay the IRS out quarterly. That never crosses anyone's mind of course, nor does the fact that it is so feast or famine. They all get caught up on the nights where we average $100/hour and forget about the shifts where we barely make our gas and dinner.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Once friends or relatives ask for money, there is no winning. If you give it to them, then it's gone permanently and it creates unspoken awkwardness every time you see them. If they think you have it but you don't give it to them, they resent you for not helping them.

    My wife and I were the first to go to college in our families, so as you can imagine we have a lot of poorer relations, especially on her side. We've been asked to pay for everything from clothes to travel to special parties and most anything else that you can imagine. In most cases, we either lie and say that we don't have it or we set strict limits on how much we will cover. If we didn't do these things, they would keep coming back over and over and, while we are doing well by most standards, we are by no means wealthy (though our current President would beg to differ). The one real exception is when it involves necessities for children. I cannot abide the thought of one of my nieces or nephews not having enough warm clothes, or good food to eat, or school supplies, etc. But when we help with this stuff we buy the items directly and have them delivered - we do not hand over cash to adults who have demonstrated that they cannot manage it responsibly.

    What makes this even harder for you is that you have a limited window of time in which you can dance. I once had a long time favorite who was in a similar position, with her excess earnings being eaten up by her mother and brother. It was sad to see how often she would have a good night or even week, just to walk in the next shift broke off her ass after paying her mother's rent and utility bills. All of this after she had finally gotten rid of a live-in SO who had been on her tit for her first two years of dancing. She finally started getting traction and socking away some cash, smartly vowing to steer clear of serious SOs from that point forward while she was dancing, only to have her mother lose her job and start reaching into this girl's pocket less than a year later. She finally burned out of dancing and walked away with zilch.

    It sucks to have to watch our backs with the people who are supposed to care about us the most, but it is the sad reality sometimes. If you don't keep them out of your pocket, they will never leave it.
    Last edited by rickdugan; 10-03-2014 at 07:17 AM.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    What makes this even harder for you is that you have a limited window of time in which you can dance. I once had a long time favorite who was in a similar position, with her excess earnings being eaten up by her mother and brother. It was sad to see how often she would have a good night or even week, just to walk in the next shift broke off her ass after paying her mother's rent and utility bills. All of this after she had finally gotten rid of a live-in SO who had been on her tit for her first two years of dancing. She finally started getting traction and socking away some cash, smartly vowing to steer clear of serious SOs from that point forward while she was dancing, only to have her mother lose her job and start reaching into this girl's pocket less than a year later. She finally burned out of dancing and walked away with zilch.
    Indeed this is a very important point ... and not just in the context of being hit on to give / loan money. For a fact, dancers, like professional athletes, have a limited time window in which the are able to earn major money. But once that time window closes, not only does the high earnings potential disappear, but their previous work history may exert a negative influence on 'straight' job / career possibilities. Thus not only do dancers, like professional athletes, have to deal with very high tax rates while they are earning the major money, but they also have an arguable 'self-duty' to save and invest a significant portion of that money to cover the remaining 20-30-40 years of their life after age etc 'forces' them to retire from dancing or professional sports.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    These people are being very direct to you, you owe them nothing, other than a direct answer to their ballsy questions.

    "Sorry, I cant"

    nothing more, they dont need to know about your finances or WHY you cant, none of their fucking business. If they keep going beyond that, into complete rudeness......."why not, you make a lot of money...blah blah"

    "Sorry, I said I cant. Got to go, bye"

    Dont go into your finances with any of these people. Change the topic, if they persist, be direct with them, "I'm not talking about this with you".....if they keep at it, "I have to go, bye"


    You dont owe any of these people anything.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    No offense but your parents sound like Assholes. You should just stop talking to them...and stop talking to that girl asking for money too. Seriously?

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    No offense but your parents sound like Assholes. You should just stop talking to them...and stop talking to that girl asking for money too. Seriously?
    I have to say I am really surprised too. A couple of years ago my dad had to ask me to borrow some money for car repairs (I think it was 2k or so?) & I could tell he was REALLY embarrassed. And they ended up not needing it anyway, although I totally would have given it to them knowing I'd never see it again.
    "There are different kinds of darkness. There is darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful. There is the darkness of lovers, and the darkness of assassins. It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be, needs it to be. It is not wholly bad or good."
    - The Court of Mist and Fury

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    Quote Originally Posted by lynn2009 View Post
    I have to say I am really surprised too. A couple of years ago my dad had to ask me to borrow some money for car repairs (I think it was 2k or so?) & I could tell he was REALLY embarrassed. And they ended up not needing it anyway, although I totally would have given it to them knowing I'd never see it again.
    Every situation is different.....for you, it seems like it hadnt happened before and he was in a tight spot. It would probably make you feel good that you were able to help him out...

    For the OP...it seems like this is a pattern, (they even blew through her college fund), and they are asking for things that are not necessities..fuck them...they are trying to take advantage of their daughter. Bad people.

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    After all those comments, your final answer is "I will just tell them I will give them money when they prove they can manage it." Um, no. You are going to deliberately create an expectation that you will give them money in the future??? Did I miss something??

    If this is how you manage your money, there WILL come a day when you are broke. I mean hopelessly, disastrously, broke and without any hope.

    And when that happens, these people will NOT start buying you shit like computers and TVs. You will be blamed for your own situation, probably with some glee and satisfaction on their part. Because people who live off the generosity of others secretly get resentful. They hate the gift-giver because they NEED that person.

    In the end you will not have bought their love or approval, but you will have bought a great deal of resentment and jealousy.
    "Women have been leading men on to get rich quick since the beginning of time. The system is older than dirt. Don't be a player hater." - me

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    Default Re: Ever feel like the "National Bank of Stripper" ? (Vent)

    I grew up real fucking fast after thinking I owed my dad a $6k loan in my early 20s because of "all he did" for me when I was a child (to be fair I was lavishly spoiled). Somehow I ignored the fact that he spent my college fund on his new wife and stole all my child support. I also thought that maybe he would love me again after being so unhappy I became a stripper (what the hell did he expect?).

    Many years later, I've gotten less than $1000 back, and get to hear about his still extravagant spending through FB or other family members. I have to make up sob stories to extract a hundred bucks here and there. He tells me "Time to get a new job!" which is great coming from a man who steals from his own daughter rather than get one himself (although somehow he manages to blow through $200k+ a year).

    But the saddest part is... I don't care what he thinks of me anymore. I just say I love him as a hustle 99% of the time. The irony is not lost on me. What I believed was an act of love which I assumed would be returned with more love caused me to realize that he doesn't love me, and well.. I don't really love him anymore either.

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