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Thread: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

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    Default Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Hi ladies,

    I'm so confused right now! Please enlighten me with some advice. Me and my boyfriend has been dating for almost 8 years. We broke up a few times in between. We started dating when I was already a dancer. For the longest time, he just let me do my thing. He never bring up any topics about the future or about my job. Recently, I quit my home club. I want to travel and dance for a bit to save some more money for my bills before I could totally quit. So I told him this yesterday. He reacted intensely and said why I can't find a normal job. His back was turned from me and couldn't even look me in the eyes. He said he was disappointed.....Then I start asking him when he want to have kids and when he want to get married. He said he doesn't know or he might never want to get married or have kids. He said he will see once I find a normal job. AFTER 8 years, he still doesn't know. I love this guys and I don't know what to do. Is it really my job? Or is it just me that he is not sure about? HE keep on emphasizing on my job. Will he ever going to marry me or he is just stringing me along? Btw, I'm 28 and he's going to be 30 soon. (He never post any of our pics on facebook or show any communication to me on facebook, he never plan dates with me in advance (i always thought our work schedules are off), he never really include in any of his outings with his friends) ... I feel like he is ashamed of my job ... He once told me during a fight that my job is embrassing..... WHAT should I do? Any of you girls have similar experience?

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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    The fact that he couldn't even look you in the face during this argument speaks volumes, I think. It underscores your further descriptions of how he seems to keep you separated from the rest of what's going on in his life. Seriously -- 8 yrs & he's made no effort to get you together w/ his friends? Have you gotten to meet any of his family?

    He is blaming your job, but the fact that he's lived for 8 yrs w/ 'the EMBARRASSMENT!'
    ' of a stripper gf is not your problem. Again I say, Seriously -- 8 yrs? & I thought my exes were horrible communicators.

    If after all this time he is still trying to play the 'Idk if I'll EVER want marriage & kids' I think he is full of shit. I can't guess as to his reasons, but I am guessing that your job is just the easy excuse rather than the root cause. I am sry to say this, bc I am the type who will fight tooth&nail for sm1 I love, but I think you are being strung along. If what you described in your post is his standard method of communication, I doubt there will be any fixing this. He seems to have been content to keep you hidden from the others in his life (no bringing round friends, no public postings of communication) & he called you an embarrassment … which he has kept around for all this time. He is doing that to feel like a martyr.

    I am really sry this is happening & wish you the best. He needs to be let go. You deserve better.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    To be very blunt, it doesn't sound like you have much of a relationship. A boyfriend who really cares about you as a person would be in pictures with you, proud to show you off to his friends, and do whatever it takes to make your schedules work so that you can have planned dates.

    He's had 8 years to figure out where he stands with the relationship. In my opinion, he's using your job as a convenient excuse. If you quit and find a normal job, he'll have a different one.

    Travel and dance. Save a ton of money. See the world. Meet awesome people who don't look down on you for what you do.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    I agree that you're being strung along. You do NOT sound like his priority. I say ditch him. It's a dead end....

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    *I'm going to play devil's advocate for one moment*


    During the eight years you've been dancing, have you managed to:

    -Have some sort of investment; stocks, real estate, IRA, etc.

    -Paid off significant debt.

    -Own a car you bough (not a car bought to you by a customer or sugar daddy) and now it's all paid.

    -Get some sort of post secondary education.

    -Have a hefty savings account.

    -Paid all your taxes.

    It doesn't have to be ALL of the above or it could be something similar I forgot to mentioned (eg. you also have other skills not related to stripping, etc).

    No? Not even something remotely similar? Then I could see why he might be embarrassed to be with you. Eight years dancing and nothing to show for it? Were you one of those who saw dancing as an excuse to make a few bucks while partying and getting drunk? Are you one of those who only danced like twice a month just to pay debt and utilities?



    All the above being said, I am not judging your life. However, I'm trying to see things from your boyfriend's point of view. What have you done in those eight years that might make him ashamed of you and resent your job? You don't have to quit dancing if you don't want, and even keep doing it while you collect Social Security in your 60's (assuming you paid you FICA taxes) but in every story, there are three sides; yours, his, and the whole truth.





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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Jay12 does make a very good point. I can totally see that side.

    That said OP, if this is the first you're hearing of his discontent, that is on him, & if he has a habit of internalising things so severely, well … that's not good for either of you. Maybe a solid sit-down to air both sides' concerns can help, but it's got to be a joint effort. The apparent lack of communication, + the fact that it seems to have continued for so long, is what struck me the most abt your post. If either of you is unwilling to put in the effort to improve this, then it might just be better to end things.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    OK I might offend everyone in the thread with this....my view is if you are laying out your sweet p*ssy for this guy to have exclusively and he's not giving you straight answers about where you both stand, OR just treating you poorly...why is this situation continuing?...........You can make enough dancing to live independently and guide your life free of the needs and demands of a boyfriend.

    He can't be that special.

    I realize a lot of exotic dancers make poor decisions about romance, myself included, because at the end of the day dancers are human too and need love and affection. But this guy isn't the only one on the planet who can do that for you.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    When did he start having a problem with you dancing? Did you see a change in the relationship after some time -- meaning, was he okay with dancing and took you on dates and let you hang out with his friends and then all of a sudden did that all stop? Or has it always been this way with him? Can I ask you why YOU are with him (other than the "because I love him" type answers)? Going off just what you have told us, I think that he is using dancing as an excuse and a way to control you. I think that he is really, really insecure and obviously a poor communicator. Have you tried to sit down and have an adult, calm conversation with him about the marriage/kids/dancing/etc? Or is it always a fight/him not even looking at you sort of a thing? 8 years is a really solid time to be with someone and I think by now he should at least be able to tell you his real feelings about things instead of this "IDK" bulls--t. I think you deserve WAY WAY WAY more than it sounds like this guy is willing to give you and to be brutally honest, if you keep sticking around, waiting to find out, waiting to be included in his life more, waiting for marriage and kids... I don't think you will ever find what you are looking for.

    Love yourself, leave the guy, do what you want, and find someone who will give you what you deserve and want in a relationship!

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Yes I have all my stuff together. I have my own condo, car, and am a nail tech as well. My boyfriend has my key to my place.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    *I'm going to play devil's advocate for one moment*


    During the eight years you've been dancing, have you managed to:

    -Have some sort of investment; stocks, real estate, IRA, etc.

    -Paid off significant debt.

    -Own a car you bough (not a car bought to you by a customer or sugar daddy) and now it's all paid.

    -Get some sort of post secondary education.

    -Have a hefty savings account.

    -Paid all your taxes.

    It doesn't have to be ALL of the above or it could be something similar I forgot to mentioned (eg. you also have other skills not related to stripping, etc).

    No? Not even something remotely similar? Then I could see why he might be embarrassed to be with you. Eight years dancing and nothing to show for it? Were you one of those who saw dancing as an excuse to make a few bucks while partying and getting drunk? Are you one of those who only danced like twice a month just to pay debt and utilities?



    All the above being said, I am not judging your life. However, I'm trying to see things from your boyfriend's point of view. What have you done in those eight years that might make him ashamed of you and resent your job? You don't have to quit dancing if you don't want, and even keep doing it while you collect Social Security in your 60's (assuming you paid you FICA taxes) but in every story, there are three sides; yours, his, and the whole truth.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    By the way, he broke up with me 2 months ago, because I tried asking him for a copy of key to his place ( his parents' place, but he got the 2nd floor all to himself). For the longest time, he only come and kinda live in my place. I just feel like its time and its fair if I have his keys too since we're together almost 8 years. Two weeks after he broke up with me, he called me back. So we got back together.

    He never intentionally plan any outings that would include me around his parents or friends. If it happen that I'm free that day, then I could come along as well. He also tell me that his family doesn't like what I do. (His sibilings kinda know, because they hang out around people that seems me at work before... But we never talk about it... just like a hush hush thing)

    They way he puts it out there, I feel sometime he just is really embarrassed about my job but loves me. But sometimes when I think of all the little things, it says otherwise.

    My friend told me that if he is still not sure about me after 8 years, he will never be sure.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    I just don't know what to do. He is the only guy I dated through out my twenties. We do have good times when we are together. It's so hard to just walk away. I'm already 28. Probably all the good guys are all taken already... Where do I start? Online dating? Is it too late to start dating at 30? ( I mean if I just concentrate on working the next 2 years and date later?) We do have a biological time on us.....any ladies has similar experience? But I do know I want to have a family and settle down in couple of years.
    Last edited by tina_; 10-07-2014 at 12:40 PM.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Quote Originally Posted by tina_ View Post
    I'm already 28.
    And? Do you think 28 is old or something?!





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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    You sure he's not cheating either? He won't include you in certain gatherings and won't give you a key. I'd be very suspicious. That excuse he has about being ashamed can be a cover up.

    He's not ashamed to have his cake and eat it too.

    Also, 28 is not too late! You're young. Focus on you until someone better comes along.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    I suspect he's cheating or playing the field. Eight years is a long time too.

    I say you forget about him and meet someone else, or stay single. I am not really seeing the benefit he's bringing to the picture.

    Best wishes hon

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    If you want marriage and kids, then you need to move on...because if he's still "not sure" after 8 years, he may waste another 8 years of your time.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Sounds like he thinks of you as his 'old faithful'. Like he uses you as a buffet, taking what he likes and leaving the rest behind.

    I agree with the 'cheating' comments above; he's looking for someone he clicks with, and she'll have a 'normal' job. And once he finds her, he'll give you the "i never promised you a marriage and kids!!" line.

    Unfortunately you don't have a lot of options here: continue, and you already know how disappointing it will be after you've turned 30 and THEN he says he'll never marry you, or get out now and maybe find someone who can give you the love and acceptance you need.
    "Women have been leading men on to get rich quick since the beginning of time. The system is older than dirt. Don't be a player hater." - me

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    I'd get my house key back or change my locks. He isn't going to give you a key to his place. He seems like he has some sort of commitment issues or he is seeing someone else behind your back. He is 30 years old soon he will be going through a mid life crisis who knows how he will treat you during that probably more distant. You're still young you seem to question your relationship and have doubts. I don't blame you~But the questions you asked him were easy enough to answer if he is in this relationship for 8 years He should be able to talk to you. He already seems like he is embarrassed of you cause of your job which he knew what you did for a living and NOW he has a problem with it. Why should you feel like you're doing something wrong with your life atleast you have your priorities in line. Id move on with a different guy. Dont cave in and take him back if you want to get married and have a family.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    You are right! He has been showing sign of his midlife crisis recently... He seems much more distant. He seems to want to concentrate on his life...hanging out with friends..working on his hobby. He use to come over to my house everyday.. But now he is back at home everyday almost.. And see me once a week or less.
    Quote Originally Posted by lildevil_kittie View Post
    I'd get my house key back or change my locks. He isn't going to give you a key to his place. He seems like he has some sort of commitment issues or he is seeing someone else behind your back. He is 30 years old soon he will be going through a mid life crisis who knows how he will treat you during that probably more distant. You're still young you seem to question your relationship and have doubts. I don't blame you~But the questions you asked him were easy enough to answer if he is in this relationship for 8 years He should be able to talk to you. He already seems like he is embarrassed of you cause of your job which he knew what you did for a living and NOW he has a problem with it. Why should you feel like you're doing something wrong with your life atleast you have your priorities in line. Id move on with a different guy. Dont cave in and take him back if you want to get married and have a family.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Thank you ladies for all the support!!! I need it. You girls are right. I need to start concentrating on myself and see where things take me. I'm bookmaking this page and look at it every time when I feel weak with him...

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    I'm sorry if this comes off as too harsh, but I have to questions what kind of relationship you actually have with this man from your post... you've been dating for 8 years but you've never met any of his friends? You've never had any kind of conversation about a future between the two of you? How often do you see him if you don't even go out on dates? That is not a normal, healthy, loving relationship in any way. I think you've been with man so long you've probably forgotten, or never experienced, what it feels like to be in one-- but trust me, there are MUCH better boyfriends out there.

    I have to agree with other ladies that I don't think your job is the problem here. The fact that he doesn't want you to be friends on Facebook is a clear sign that he's still looking around and doesn't want to scare off potential dates by making it obvious he has a girlfriend. I understand not wanting to broadcast to the entire world that you're dating a stripper, my boyfriend feels that way, but it's easy to come up with a cover story for people that aren't really that important or are judgmental. I can't believe that's the real reason he's hiding you from his friends and whatnot, and definitely not the reason he doesn't want to take the plunge into marriage. He sounds like a scared little man child who can't face the fact that he's too immature to be a man and have a family, and so he's turning it around on you. Pathetic.

    He reeks of commitments issues and honestly if you are worried about your biological clock ticking, well you're doing the worst possible thing you could be doing-- while you're wasting your time with him, you can't meet any of the great guys out there who would be happy to settle down and have a baby with you. I would bet a nights earnings from your post that even if you were to get a regular job, you would still be wondering where the two of you are going in two years. If you've been together 8 years, he's 30, and he can't even have a mature conversation with you about where you're going in the relationship, let alone actually commit to you... I don't see it ever happening.

    And seriously, he's 30 and living with his parents and you're the embarrassing one? Fucking hypocrite. Seriously, you can do so much better than this deadweight piece of crap, don't waste your life waiting around for him.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Lots of great points already made, so I'll just contribute this lovely little article:
    http://www.holliesquotes.com/lovemisc/notintoyou.htm
    "Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married. It just will never be with you. "
    "He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on. "


    "I can fix your flat tire. Show me your vagina" -JoJoX

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    dump him hon
    time to focus on yourself - even when he comes back begging (which he will)
    may you be blessed with love, family and happiness

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Agreed with everyone prior.

    How in the heck anyone stays with anyone for 8 years with no talk about "future stuff" like kids, marriage, etc.... is beyond me.
    Hell, I would high-tail it out after a year if that stuff doesn't come up.

    He sounds like a coward who is just waiting for you to end it so he can be spared the "bad guy" role.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

    "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave."

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    Agree with everyone, he is likely cheating, he def leading you along. Also I can't imagine being with someone for 8 years without living together.

    28 is not old, but him not knowing whether he wants marriage and kids after 8 years is a joke. Don't let him waste your valuable time!
    If you really want kids then you should consider how many, how far apart and how old you want to be while they are still in your care.

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    Default Re: Devastated with my 8 years relationship! Please help!

    You could find better.

    If you want family, kids, commitment and this guy has provided none of this within 8 loooong years....It's time to move on. Like someone else said before he wastes another 8 years of your time.

    And he broke up with you for asking for a key to his place?!?! Then you accepted him back?!?!? But then he said he's embarrassed by your job but obviously not too embarrassed to be laid up with you for almost a decade. Men are special creatures...

    Plus Depending on where you live you technically could be common law husband and wife by now.

    If I was you I'd turn the tables and let him know that you're not happy, get some confidence in yourself so that he knows you have options, and ditch him if he can step up to the plate.

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