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Thread: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

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    Default Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    Gave you seen these people?
    (snip)
    Critical – A Toxic family is very critical. If you are not in the room at the moment, chances are the rest of them are critiquing everything about you from your looks, to your lifestyle choices, to your parenting, etc. When you walk back in the room, they quickly change the subject to someone else who isn’t there. A Healthy family on the other hand accepts you for who you are and celebrate your differences. If it does not affect them, it is none of their business.

    Pecking order – In a Toxic family, there is a pecking order from the golden child down to the scape goat. It is an unwritten, unspoken rule but everyone in the family knows it but dares not admit it. The golden child is adored by the parent and everyone else is expected to worship him/her too and to provide for their every need/whim. They are given privilege, money, time, gifts, etc. Those in the middle of the totem pole are pretty much ignored and then those least valued are the scape goats. They can do no right and nothing good is ever acknowledged from them and anything bad is laid at their feet. The toxic parent even incites the other siblings, with lies if necessary, to hate and abuse the scapegoat until no one can openly be nice to the scapegoat for fear of being punished (you’ll lose your spot on the totem pole). This does not change with age and can still be going on in the nursing home. In a Healthy family, each person is unique but no one is more loved or more important than another. The parent is supportive and proud of all the children and the siblings at least respect each other and do nothing to hurt each other.

    Triangulation – In Toxic families, communication is a big problem. It is often controlled by the toxic parent in what is known as triangulation. In triangulation, the leader gathers information from all parties on a regular basis. She then processes this information and decides who needs to know what and what angle she will spin with the information. Some things will be dropped while others will be taken out of context or exaggerated for effect. Since the family hears from this leader so often they feel no need to call or visit siblings because they feel they know everything there is to know. If fact, there is nothing off limits. The leader loves to give out information of her children’s sex lives, finances, failures, etc. Any accomplishments by the golden child, no matter how small or insignificant, are broadcast ad nauseam while only bad information is passed on or created about those lower in the peaking order. Invitation to any family function comes from the leader and any response is funneled back through the leader to the host. The toxic parent often causes misunderstandings and jealously by the way she (or I suppose he) spins the information. This results in hurt feelings, sibling rivalry, and emotional abuse. In Healthy families, each person has a personal relationship with other family members. Although they may mention each other, it is in a loving and respectful way and never critical or gossipy. When told something in confidence, it is never shared. When one begins to cross over the line into an area that is none of their business, the person will politely change the subject. Family members love and respect each other and would never say mean or hurtful things about people they love and would not allow anyone else to say such things to them about their loved one either.

    Competition – Competition in and of itself is a good thing but in toxic families it is used to earn favor or the illusion of love. The toxic parent mentions one child’s talents or abilities to another while completely ignoring the present child’s talents. Once grown, the careers, incomes, homes, cars, friends, spouses, children, etc. are compared and always in a way to belittle or demean the family member. It may be in your face or it could be in little hints in a passive aggressive way. It puts the siblings in a competition to earn their place doing more for the parent, allowing the parent access to their private lives (keys to their home, intimate details that should not be shared), bragging about accomplishments, and driving themselves crazy to find that perfect gift and then sweat it out as the family opens the gifts on Christmas. In a healthy family, the parent realizes no two kids are alike and each will have strengths and weakness that the other does not have. They support and nurture the talents without comparing them to their siblings. They avoid labels such as the smart one, the pretty one, etc. The result is the whole family rejoices in any one’s accomplishments and are happy for them, knowing success of one takes nothing away from another.

    Drama – Bad news brings a buzz and excitement like nothing else. Horrible results are anticipated and exaggerated while the most dramatic members make the event all about themselves (I don’t know how much more I can take) rather than about the person who is actually affected. Family gatherings such as weddings, funerals, or holidays usually have an assortment of arguments, cutting comments, cry fest, or a scene of some sort. There are always a few who have to be the center of attention and usually not in a good way. The whole event is draining and leaves a negative impression. Healthy families use family gatherings as a time to make new memories with lots of stories (entertaining and informative instead of criticism or gossip) laughs, hugs, visiting and sharing. The family members go away feeling loved and appreciative of their relatives.

    Selfish and self-centered – Dysfunctional families must fight for what they want and need and it is truly and environment of each man for himself. When the parent dies, the meanest and most aggressive will take all they can with no regard for anyone else. They had rather throw something away than let you have it for the sentimental value. These families are full of what I call users. They seem to have radar to find generous people and they use all forms of manipulation to suck the energy, money, time, attention and compassion out of them. This is only one direction though because when they are asked to reciprocate, they have a thousand reasons why they can’t. They have no real compassion or concern for others yet to hear them tell it, they are the ones being used or left out. This is a case were their words do not match their actions. They leave collateral damage all around in children, spouses, and loved ones of all kind. Healthy families give without enabling and genuinely care about each other. They react when a family member is in pain and gather around to give them moral support and assist if they can. Examples include, staying with a family member at the hospital (or at least calling and checking in on them), keeping the kids when needed, sending a card or gift, and helping in small ways that make a difference. It also means being happy for them when something good comes their way.

    No boundaries – Nothing is off limits in a dysfunctional family. The toxic member will give a gift only to ask for it back. They will read your mail, snoop through your house, ask inappropriate questions, get in the middle of your business concerning things that do not affect them, share intimate details about you to others, insist on things they have no right to, invite themselves, they are bossy, pushy, and basically don’t care what you say. If they want to do it, they will. Healthy families respect each other and do not impose themselves. They protect your privacy and honor boundaries.

    Promises – Toxic parents will promise anything but you never know if they mean it or not. Later they will do something entirely different and either pretend they never promised or come up with a lie to rationalize or justify their action. Healthy families do not take promises lightly and only enter into promises they can and will actually keep.

    Addictions – Dysfunctional families try to cover up their pain (and what could be more painful than living in a dysfunctional home) with any number of addictions including drug, alcohol, food, porn, gambling, etc. while healthy families deal with life in acceptable manners.

    Cliques - Similar to the pecking order, cliques form and then play school yard games I call “you’re not my friend”. It is very much like the movie Mean Girls. If you are the IN crowd (usually the golden child picked by the toxic parent) then you can say or do anything no matter how vicious or hateful. If you are the black sheep as some call it, then you’ll get left out of invitations to parties, showers, etc. and if you are allowed to attend an event, you’ll be treated as if you have Ebola. They don’t return your calls or emails, they don’t RSVP when you invite them out, they don’t return things they borrowed but, if they need something from you, they can be so sweet and make you think they have changed. As soon as you are no longer needed, you’ll be stabbed in the back and ignored once again. Healthy families may have siblings that have more in common and spend more time together but they continue to love and show interest in all the family members. No one is left out or ostracized and are greeted and welcomed by all.

    Revenge – Toxic families will even the score even if it takes a life time. If they don’t like something you said or did, or maybe they just don’t like you for no good reason, they will set out to destroy your name and reputation. If they don’t like you, then those on their team so to speak better not like you. They will bad mouth you to anyone who will listen. Once the toxic parent has labeled you as “bad”, the rest of the family joins in with the punishment and hate even if they did not witness the said offense or have no firsthand knowledge of the facts. In my family, I have seen them continue to complain, criticize, and malign a sister-in-law who has not been in the family for over 30 years. Revenge is a blood sport to them and nothing is off limits. Healthy families know that members are bound to disagree at times and they may have very different views on life. They simply agree to disagree and continue to have a relationship where they do not discuss sensitive topics. When they hurt one another, they apologize and take steps to heal the pain and the relationship.(snip) http://outofthefog.net/index.html
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    This sounds exactly like my paternal grandmother and my oldest maternal uncle.

    Those two are so toxic, that rattlesnake poison would probably be ineffective towards them.





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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    This sounds exactly like my paternal grandmother and my oldest maternal uncle.

    Those two are so toxic, that rattlesnake poison would probably be ineffective towards them.
    They might just give off the antidote!
    Sadly, I've seen these folks for too many days to count.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    The "drama" part sounds exactly like my mother. She LIVES to hear bad news she can spread around. I've learned not to tell her anything remotely negative, especially health related because my dad told me she will put anything she can in the prayer list for church.
    She got diagnosed with a serious long condition and its sick and very strange how giddy she gets when she talks about it and all the woe and angst it causes. We've had a wedding and a funeral in my family in the past year and somehow she turns all those events into being about HER. Sobbing breakdowns about how she's, "lucky she's still around to be able to see this!", and how she "wishes she was just normal again."
    So toxic

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    This post came at such a good time for me because I'm struggling with toxic family stuff even more than usual lately. Have you found any info on very small toxic families, though? This seems geared to a nuclear family at the smallest. I'm an only child with two divorced toxic parents which makes things different -- I have one relationship with my financially abusive and neglectful dad, and an entirely separate relationship with my sometimes charming, sometimes vicious but always narcissistic mom. The tininess of my family makes things a little different but I can't put my finger on how. Any resources would be very much appreciated!

    In case anyone else is in a similar situation, the main differences I notice are:

    -Not having perspective on how screwed your family is until well into adulthood

    -More Stockholm syndrome and denial even then

    -Fulfilling all three roles with the N-parent; sometimes you're the golden child, only to be ignored for a period of time, and then settling into scapegoat for a while even when your own behavior isn't changing

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    This post came at such a good time for me because I'm struggling with toxic family stuff even more than usual lately. Have you found any info on very small toxic families, though? This seems geared to a nuclear family at the smallest. I'm an only child with two divorced toxic parents which makes things different -- I have one relationship with my financially abusive and neglectful dad, and an entirely separate relationship with my sometimes charming, sometimes vicious but always narcissistic mom. The tininess of my family makes things a little different but I can't put my finger on how. Any resources would be very much appreciated!

    In case anyone else is in a similar situation, the main differences I notice are:

    -Not having perspective on how screwed your family is until well into adulthood

    -More Stockholm syndrome and denial even then

    -Fulfilling all three roles with the N-parent; sometimes you're the golden child, only to be ignored for a period of time, and then settling into scapegoat for a while even when your own behavior isn't changing
    Check out Out of the F.O.G. (fear, obligation, guilt) http://outofthefog.net/index.html and Light's Blog
    http://lightshouse.org/lights-blog/#axzz3FZokvV9r
    They have tons of articles detailing how to break down all of that kind of disordered behavior and heal from exposure to it.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    This sounds exactly like my paternal grandmother and my oldest maternal uncle.

    Those two are so toxic, that rattlesnake poison would probably be ineffective towards them.
    This made me laugh inside my head. It describes a couple of my relatives....I often wonder what it's like to live every day with so much bitterness, bile and hatred inside one's self. I wonder if these people even know that, or if it's the permanent normal for them, so they don't know anything else.

    Every waking day I am grateful the adult industry gave me the funds & freedom to escape my toxic family....

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    Okay got a fantastic series on how these personality types work. More importantly, he teaches emotional self defense step by step. These are also the mentality and tactics of bullies, rapists, pedophiles, and sociopaths.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xI0E9...GWAdafmAcNVi6g
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    While I know there are some Fuck up people/familes out there, I do know that a few of my extended family are certified crazy but undiagnosed so there is no therapy or treatment - just have to deal with their crazy asses. UGH!!!! Like cotdamn am I the only one with some sense in this b$tch?!?

    Im dealing with people who are: slick competitive, passive-aggressive, manipulative, OCD, Bipolar, and just plain batshit crazy.

    Someone above mentioned you don't notice how crazy your family is till you get about high school age. This was what I noticed. I tried to forgive my family and move away. Once I moved back then all the feelings of dislike for them came bubbling up again. Gotta move AGAIN to get away from crazy and closer to sanity.

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    Quote Originally Posted by miss.a.p1600 View Post
    Someone above mentioned you don't notice how crazy your family is till you get about high school age. This was what I noticed. I tried to forgive my family and move away. Once I moved back then all the feelings of dislike for them came bubbling up again. Gotta move AGAIN to get away from crazy and closer to sanity.
    One day I looked up and realized I was the blonde chick in the Munsters!! I so agree with you!! I would tell my bf and she would tell me not to criticize, not to worry, that's just how it is... Pfft! Better to call it out and distance yourself than live like that.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    I grew up with a Narcissistic grandmother, mother and aunt. I was always the "scapegoat". I'm an Aries and I value my opinion, thoughts, desires and ideas VERY much. I was attacked all of my life, even as an adult, because I simply wanted to be ME! For a long time, I knew something was "wrong" with them, just recently I discovered and became aware of what NPD and BPD is. I went through denial too, it is hard at first to accept that your birth family does not love or accept you. But then, you must move on and enjoy your life. Their "toxicness" is not my fault. That was my moment of clarity. Then I knew I had to go "No Contact" Forever These people are simply never going to change, they will always have a grudge against you for not letting them control you and invade your life.

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    Default Re: Anatomy ofa Toxic Family

    Quote Originally Posted by SnuffleUffleGrass View Post
    This made me laugh inside my head. It describes a couple of my relatives....I often wonder what it's like to live every day with so much bitterness, bile and hatred inside one's self. I wonder if these people even know that, or if it's the permanent normal for them, so they don't know anything else.

    Every waking day I am grateful the adult industry gave me the funds & freedom to escape my toxic family....
    Yes! Dancing was an awesome outlet for me to establish myself financially and become fully autonomous. Severing all ties with my toxic , abusive family was a source of more determination for me

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