It wasn't until today that I truly grew up, and before this I always thought I was "mature" and "grown", but I came back from a year in a military (((I am 22)))... and my family look so much older/fragile than ever before. It didn't hit me until now how weak my mother was.... and it didn't hit me now that my grandma is stuck in her ways and is losing her wits slowly but surely. My sister maybe the strongest one in my family, but she is too selfish/"young"/teenage to see my family for what it is. My 20-yr old brother is innocent in the mind, not retarded, but there's something wrong with him. He's never going to be successful or "mature" living on his own type of man.
But I always thought I could turn to my mother, my grandma, and all of them with my problems. I can see now... it's better I keep my problems to myself, since their load is already so heavy. A day or two ago, I thought of myself as "young", but now I see that I am "old/adult" if that makes sense.... like I am on the same level as 30 yr old with two children, and not a carefree 19 year old. Time is so precious. I also see it does no good to be selfish with the little money that I do have, since I can always recuperate, but they can't recuperate as easily. My mother makes more than I do, but it took her whole entire life to get where she is today... and she has a good 5 years left in her, since I don't think she is as healthy as she said she is.
I been kind of nostalgic before I came back to visit my family, but the past is the past. I now know I have to take care of them, and I feel like I abandon them. It's kind of like all the wrongs they done to me throughout my life has been forgiven as well, since they don't know any better...
but it's odd feeling, and I know they don't I feel this way, but I feel like I have to take care of them all.... since it's like I see an uprising up the river.



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