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Thread: Suicidal, Complete Mess

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    Senior Member SarahM91's Avatar
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    Default Suicidal, Complete Mess

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    Last edited by SarahM91; 11-10-2014 at 11:15 AM.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahM91 View Post
    For the first time in my life, it's really hit me how alone I am. I have lovely children, that yes, need me, but there's no one in my life that takes care of me. No one. My partner who promised me everyday he loved me, has left.
    If you don't put yourself first, then I guarantee that no one else is. (I say this as lovingly as possible; it's a hard lesson that I had to learn by myself when I was about your age.)

    Do you have a church or temple nearby that you could go to? Maybe if you're less religious, go to a Unitarian church? There will be several people available to talk to, for free, that might be able to help guide you and provide reassurance and resources.


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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    It is true that we all, in the end, go through this world alone. Sometimes (when we're lucky) we have someone special beside us to lighten the burden, and to ease the way. But there are other times that we have to come to terms with being alone. I think it's a lesson we all have to learn at some time or another.

    I've been where you are, and it's horrible. But it doesn't stay horrible. Life is a beautiful thing; it's mysterious, lovely, lonely (at times) and wonderful. There will be a lot of joy, and (probably) a lot of sorrow as well. I'm sure there are many wonderful things in store for you, and for your children. (who need you) Don't you want to see what those things are? Don't miss out on future happiness because you can't see past now.

    There's a saying that goes something like, "It will all be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end." Just hold on. It will get better.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Thanks, but no, I'm not religious. Putting myself first is hard, especially when I feel worthless. I know what I need to do, I can't physically do it, therefore I feel stuck and hopeless. I really appreciate you taking a moment to help. I want to take time off of work but rent is due. I desperately need a break, maybe even from my two kids so that I can stop this crippling amount of pain.

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    Senior Member SarahM91's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Thank-you Red Velvette. I'm just so desperate for relief, and to feel happy. Part of me doesn't want to be happy anymore. Just numb because if you are dumb, you can't get hurt.

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    God/dess simone87's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    pm me !

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Do you have any family or friends you can call? Or even text?

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    Senior Member SarahM91's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    I literally have no one.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    I know you don't want to call a crisis hotline, but I would strongly recommend the National Suicide Hotline. The number is 1.800.273.8255

    I actually rang them a couple months ago -- not for myself, but bc my bf at the time was beginning to spiral due to mental-health troubles & drug/drinking problems. I have been hospitalised myself for severe depression, & been on both sides of addiction (both the addict & the one loving an addict who refused to get help) but I called them bc I was desperate for any advice on smtg I might have missed that would help him. The person I talked to wasn't able to suggest anything I hadn't already tried -- but that's less a reflection on him & more an embarrassing admission that I know that kind of situation well enough from personal experience that I had already tried everything.

    The ppl working this hotline are better trained than your average crisis hotline workers. They don't ask for your info beyond your name, any info you do give them is kept confidential & they offer free counselling. If you feel you are a danger to yourself, & in need of medical help or even hospitalisation, you can give them your info & they will send sm1 to come get you.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Do you have any form of insurance? State insurance can be a pain in the ass during the application process, but once you have it, they offer behavioral health services at little to no cost. I know that when you're depressed, it takes an incredible amount of effort to do even the smallest of things. But this is something you'd probably be able to apply for online..

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Please just go to an ER and check yourself in, they will take it from there. 23 is too young to end it all due to a temporary set of circumstances. Please get help.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    There are 12 step groups..all kinds. They've helped me a lot..I'm sorry you're going thru this, pls reach out to someone..Take Care.


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    I know when people tell you they can relate it's often bullshit and hard to take seriously but I really can. I have multiple SEVERE psychiatric disorders and have been through suicidal thoughts and attempts myself. I know how hard it is to actually take that step and get help when you want to get through things yourself and have things you need to do, but honestly your best bet is to find somewhere safe for your children and go to a hospital or call 911 and tell them how you're feeling so they can help you get counseling and medication if you need it so you can get through this.

    I agree about the 1-800 numbers. Last time I spoke to someone through a crisis line there was nothing they could do or say to help or fix my situation. I'm glad you're able to realize how bad things got before you do something drastic I hope you are able to find the help that you need and get out of this dark place you are in and find happiness. You will be in my thoughts <3

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahM91 View Post
    I feel like a fucking idiot. I don't want to leave the house. I know I won't leave and get help....
    ^I went through something similar recently and it's a horrible feeling. There is NO shame in feeling this way, it happens to many people. It's not your fault, so don't feel "like an idiot"!

    The only person who can force you to seek help is you-realise that you deserve help and are entitled to it. Talking to a professional when you don't have a large support system is effective, provides you with clarity and approach to get you healing.

    Feel better soon.
    Last edited by OliveJardin; 11-03-2014 at 12:15 AM.
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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Quote Originally Posted by OliveJardin View Post
    ^I went through something similar recently and it's a horrible feeling. There is NO shame in feeling this way, it happens to many people. It's not your fault, so don't feel "like an idiot"!

    The only person who can force you to seek help is you-release that you deserve help and are entitled to it. Talking to a professional when you don't have a large support system is effective, provides you with clarity and approach to get you healing.
    Can't stress this enough. ^^^^ unfortunately the stigma against mental illness, or even just a severe situational case of depression, often creates a deep-seated feeling of 'I am such a [insert string of self-deprecating expletives] & treatment is probably not worth it'

    Fk that noise, which is perpetrated the loudest by ppl who have nvr had the displeasure of being in your situation OP. treatment is absolutely worth it, & you are not an 'idiot' or anything else for needing it. In fact I would say you're more foolish for NOT looking for treatment, be it from a hotline, or going to the ER, or whatever it is you have to do -- for NOT taking advantage of the resources for help that are available for you. I don't mean that at all to be mean; in fact I feel the same way abt myself when I look back on my own experiences, even allowing for how sick I was during that time.

    I wish you a quick start to your healing OP, plz keep us updated.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Sorry to hear you are going through so much emotional pain right now but do know that whatever you are going through is temporary - and suicide is permanent.

    It sounds like your bf leaving is what triggered this and yes men come and go but our children are forever. When I was going through my suicidal time (yes over a guy who left me) I had a knife to my wrist ready to end it all & thought so many times about ending my life because I was that mentally tormented but I started thinking about the kid and I realized no one, I mean no one, would raise my child to my satisfaction.

    Do seek professional help. I have over 8+ years as a professional in mental health field and can chat with you privately but like someone mentioned before get help there in your city. Discuss your options. Cognitive therapy and possibly psychiatric therapy would help you greatly.

    Hang in there! Life does get better after times of despair and sadness. And you are not alone - even if it feels like it right now.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahM91 View Post
    I literally have no one.
    The worst part of feeling as you do is that feeling it's only you and it will never go away. You're not alone and it will go away, or at least get much better. You're obviously interested in getting some help as you posted here. You took a step, but you need to take another. Things seem so damn dark and hopeless when you're there, but 23 is just a kid. Literally. That does not devalue your mental state, but it's true. When you're in such a place, you lose all perspective. I doubt very much you want your kids to grow up minus their mother. If you have no one but them, what do they have if you go? So, reach out to someone, a hot line, or PM someone who offered here, and start to heal and rebuild your self esteem and your perspective and it will work. My mother used to say "shut up, it can always be worse and someone has it worse."

    One year, I got devorced, my mother died, 911 happened a week after she died, and a close friend screwed me out of a lot of $$$. That was a VERY bad year. I was so low I could hardly get out of bed, and with no kids depending on me, didn't. Yes, it took some hard work to see some light. To get some perspective, I volunteered at a homeless shelter, and it was rough I tell you, but, perspective developed and I met people with nothing but the dirty clothes on their back with stories so bad you'd cry halfway through it, who still had the spirit and will to go on, and people who'd made a mess of their lives but were rebuilding and their courage, again, gave me strength and perspective to see I could and would make it. My mothers expression always rings in my head.

    My father passed away last week. It's been a rough week. Life is a real mother fu*er some times to be sure. Hug your kids, tell the guy he's no longer welcomed in your life, seek support (there's more our there than you think, much of it free), and you'll get through it.
    Last edited by Will; 11-06-2014 at 10:14 AM.
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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Everyone who is the least bit thoughtful about their life has moments where they say 'fuck this, it is too much I cannot take it"

    It will pass, maybe not today.

    Try to learn to focus on the joy in life rather than the darkness. I do not mean to say that is easy, but you can do it.

    Who is going to do raspberries on you children's bellies, or give them crazy hairdos?

    without you the world will be a sadder place.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Sarah, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I have been there many times. It sounds like you really do need a break. Can your baby daddy watch the kids for a day or 2? You need some YOU time.

    By the way, check out the book, "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. This book helped saved my life. Seriously. It is about a psychiatrist who survived the Holocaust in Auschwitz. Really DEEP, profound book. He explains how he didn't give in to suicide. It helped me so much, I can't even write in words how much that books means to me. Please check it out, you can read it online.

    Please know that you have us at SW to help you get through this! You are NOT alone. We are all in this together. You are a beautiful person & very strong from what I can gather from your past posts. You can get through this! Sometimes going through a breakdown is what you need to reset your brain.

    *hugs* Get better, Sarah! xoxo
    Last edited by ScarletKitten; 11-03-2014 at 07:40 PM.
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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Quote Originally Posted by SarahM91 View Post
    I literally have no one.
    You have lots of people here. We all want you to feel better.

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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Hang in there, even if you just do it for your kids right now. Don't rule out the religious groups, they will help, even if you aren't religious.

    I have mental issues, and even my kids have issues too so my family had been through the toughest slog for many years, goes good for a few months, then a nightmare for a few months, it's been like that non-stop for my entire life. We (as in myself and 3 now adult kids who all suffer from combinations of scitzophrenia, Bi-polar, Autism Syndrome, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, gender dismorphia, dissociative identity disorder- yeah fuck) have concluded that recognizing when things are going downhill and making sure we seek/arrange help before the poo hits is the strongest, smartest and probably the most difficult thing to do initially. But you can do it, and you must, it does get better, even if your condition doesn't, dealing with it will get better and easier. You will be amazed at how many people care, even those who do not know you, and those who know you a little bit will care even more, you only have to look at the response here to see that.
    I personally reached the point where I don't give a flying fart what people think anymore, we treat our mental illnesses like any other medical condition in the same way someone would mention allergies or diabetes, and you know what? I have found most people have had some experience or knows knows someone that has had similar issues. The only people who are negative are usually the strangers who hide behind the keyboard.
    As much as you think you are alone. You aren't.
    Be Brave, you can do it.

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  35. #22
    Senior Member SarahM91's Avatar
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    Default Re: Suicidal, Complete Mess

    Thank-you to everyone that's reached out to me. I haven't gone to a hospital yet...I guess I'm "fine"...for now, until I get hit by another wave...
    Ever try running in the shallow end of a swimming pool? That's how I feel day after day...

    Thank-you to those who have private messaged me as well...I've read all your messages and have taken everything to heart. At the moment I can't really find the words to respond without sounding repetitive, but I'll try.

    Much love and thanks...

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