Results 1 to 13 of 13

Thread: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

  1. #1
    kaydee
    Guest

    Default Deleted

    Deleted
    Last edited by kaydee; 03-27-2022 at 10:09 AM. Reason: Deleted

  2. #2
    Veteran Member
    Joined
    Dec 2013
    Posts
    717
    Thanks
    1,880
    Thanked 1,415 Times in 521 Posts

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    My best friend was in a similar situation a couple of months ago.

    Her boyfriend of a couple of years became moody, withdrawn, problems etc etc She cheated and broke up with him. She told him why too.

    He confessed to mental illness/work problems etc and begged her to come back. She did. She is still venting about how much he annoys her and how she wishes he would be more affectionate and she could get laid with different people.

    It seems like the problems these guys have aren't going anywhere. Whatever he told you -thats how its going to stay. They can't help it. Its a matter of whether its something your happy to deal with ongoing?

  3. The Following User Says Thank You to amberlly For This Useful Post:


  4. #3
    God/dess Flickdreams's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Look behind you....
    Posts
    3,406
    Thanks
    5,155
    Thanked 4,132 Times in 1,638 Posts

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    If you're going to break up with him... don't tell him, what would be the point.
    If you want to stay together, then if the position were reversed would you want to know?


    I personally have told a partner if I cheated and I wanted to continue our relationship; it has happened more than once (even if 'only' a kiss).
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




  5. The Following User Says Thank You to Flickdreams For This Useful Post:


  6. #4
    God/dess Flickdreams's Avatar
    Joined
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Look behind you....
    Posts
    3,406
    Thanks
    5,155
    Thanked 4,132 Times in 1,638 Posts

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    Thats true.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




  7. #5
    God/dess rickdugan's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2010
    Location
    NYC
    Posts
    4,570
    Thanks
    4,406
    Thanked 7,481 Times in 2,715 Posts
    My Mood
    Amused

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    IMHO the need of some people to confess to cheating is more about relieving their own guilt than it is about truly doing what is best for their partners. In this case, you've already broken up with him. Why compound his pain further by telling him something like that?

    As far as the break-up itself, it sounds like you did the right thing. Sometimes relationships just don't work out. If you weren't getting along, arguing every time you were together, and the affection was a thing of the past, then it sounds like things were over. He may love you and he may not be able to face the thought of losing you right now, so he's saying whatever he can to keep you, but that's not the same as being right for each other.

    In any event, good luck as you sort through all of this.

  8. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to rickdugan For This Useful Post:


  9. #6
    God/dess audrey_k's Avatar
    Joined
    May 2009
    Location
    London
    Posts
    3,542
    Thanks
    1,043
    Thanked 3,893 Times in 1,568 Posts

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    I was in this exact same position a couple years ago... dated a great guy for two years, we were madly in love, talked about getting married... and then we started to grow apart. When we got together I was just putting my life back together and he was as well, but I managed to do it and he didn't. It became clear we just wanted different things. He became super dependent on me which was a huge turn off, and our sex life died, we fought a lot, and I ended up sleeping with someone else who I had been fighting an attraction for for months. I felt like shit about it and broke up with him, and it was ugly-- he begged me to stay, even called my father (who I moved in with after), refused to give me my things... he promised to change and I said he needed to change for himself. He said he would.

    Two years now the line... he is the exact same person, nothing different. He also blamed his issues on mental illness, but the problem is that goes both ways-- the reason I'm like this is because I have a mental illness easily translated to "it's not y fault I'm like this" which translated to "I can't do anything to change." I tried to focus the break up on me and what was going on in my head rather than on him, since that gave him an opportunity to argue with me about how he could fix things between us. I believe that people change, just not for other people, only for themselves.

    With the cheating thing, there is no reason to tell him. I have never told my ex and we are still in contact. It would have upset him and broken his heart even more, and for what? So I could say I did the right thing? How is telling someone something that will hurt them to make you feel better doing the right thing? It's unfortunately my burden to bear. If I had wanted to stay with him I might have had to think it out more, but breaking up with him, there's nothing to think about-- make it as painless as possible.

  10. The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to audrey_k For This Useful Post:


  11. #7
    God/dess Elektra Luxx's Avatar
    Joined
    Jan 2011
    Location
    I live in the 11th dimension.
    Posts
    3,490
    Thanks
    22,167
    Thanked 9,536 Times in 2,817 Posts
    My Mood
    Stressed

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    You sought out for somebody else because you weren't happy. Give yourself some time to forgive yourself. You are broken up already, don't confess that you cheated. You will only hurt him more.

  12. The Following User Says Thank You to Elektra Luxx For This Useful Post:


  13. #8
    God/dess xxxGothBarbie's Avatar
    Joined
    Apr 2011
    Location
    Bi coastal Gypsy
    Posts
    4,812
    Thanks
    7,738
    Thanked 5,910 Times in 2,491 Posts
    My Mood
    Pensive

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    I'm kinda in the same boat right now myself. I've been with this guy now for 4 months & all we do is fight when we're together for more than 3 days straight. He annoys me. period. He's extremely co dependent on me (which really turns me off) & also doesn't have anything going on in his life except for me. We were madly in love at the beginning but I'm just not as attracted to him as I was at first. He also has an alcohol problem which also turns me off. I find myself going out to the bars sometimes hoping I'll meet someone new bc I feel horrible for ditching him. I say don't tell him you cheated since you already broke up with him, I wouldn't want to know if I were him. Good luck <3
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




    "Respect is a dying art"

    "Philosophy is the talk on a cereal box"


  14. The Following User Says Thank You to xxxGothBarbie For This Useful Post:


  15. #9
    God/dess SweetJulia's Avatar
    Joined
    Mar 2013
    Location
    Rolling in a BIG pile of money!
    Posts
    2,836
    Thanks
    21,633
    Thanked 6,196 Times in 1,978 Posts
    My Mood
    Yeehaw

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    Quote Originally Posted by kaydee View Post
    The guilt is starting to ease now. At first I was wondering if I made the right decision but after seeing him last night and having him brag in my ear about the various drugs he is now on and how much better he is without me, I remembered why we came to an end and that it's over.
    If he's on tons of drugs, knowing you cheated is the last thing he needs, you made the right choice.
    Twitter:
    Cam profile: *Fave me, it's good for my ego
    General Pics:
    "Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn!"-C.S. Lewis
    Quote Originally Posted by xStacey View Post
    Close contact, for an hour, for $40? And I guess I'll have to make conversation with them too?

  16. #10
    God/dess Gia2608's Avatar
    Joined
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Miami/ Ft. Lauderdale
    Posts
    3,337
    Thanks
    4,235
    Thanked 3,664 Times in 1,451 Posts
    My Mood
    Cheerful

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    I assumed she meant meds, no?
    XoXo Gia
    Danielle Fishell (the Dish): "If the Super-Star thing doesn't work out, Gia makes a great stripper name"

  17. #11
    Featured Member
    Joined
    May 2011
    Location
    Miami
    Posts
    1,529
    Thanks
    2,260
    Thanked 2,276 Times in 730 Posts

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    If you're not going to stay with him don't tell him. Honestly its just going to make you feel better, not him. Just let him go. Its really hard when they are super persistent so I suggest blocking all forms of communication (phone and email and social media).

  18. The Following User Says Thank You to lokikola For This Useful Post:


  19. #12
    Member
    Joined
    Nov 2014
    Posts
    18
    Thanks
    11
    Thanked 3 Times in 3 Posts

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    Quote Originally Posted by kaydee View Post
    Before I post this, I just want to say that I am not looking for sympathy of any sort and I know that I am in the wrong here.

    Basically, I was in a relationship for two years. Things were starting to get stale and we weren't really getting along anymore. My boyfriend and me would argue most nights out or when we had a drink in us and we just seemed to have grown apart. He became less and less affectionate and when I got upset or tried to voice this he would get annoyed or defensive. Prior to this year we had an amazing relationship and he was alsobmy best friend. Anyway, there's this guy in our group of friends, both me and my boyfriend are friends with him. I'm not going to deny that there has always been a bit of sexual tension between this guy and me, but it didn't mean anything and wasnt a big issue. However, he came back after being away for a while and we got drunk and ended up getting it on. We spent an amazing night together and I hadn't felt like that in a long time. I realised that I needed to break up with my boyfriend as it wasn't working and what I had done wasn't fair on him but I didn't fess up to cheating. After an argument on the weekend we broke up and then i met him in the morning to finalise it. In short, he practically begged me to stay, and not in a pathetic way, he gave me explanations for his recent moodiness and asked me over and over for a chance to restart. I haven't swayed but this whole thing is really starting to get to me. The guilt is eating me alive. He deserved more than this and now I'm in a situation. Whatever happens, one of both the guys are going to get hurt. I am extremely confused and angry with myself. I don't understand how people who cheat all the time can live with that guilt because it is absolutely killing me. As I said, I'm not asking for sympathy, I kinda just posted this to get it off my chest as I can't talk to anyone about it, I don't know what to do and am interested to know if anyone else here has been in a similar situation and/or what they would do.
    You may or may not feel a little better by the confession, and he'll feel a whole lot worse. It sounds like the relationship was not on solid ground and he has some serious personal work to do. You reached out for some purely physical pleasure, and shouldn't spend too much energy beating yourself down over it. Regret sucks and eats up a huge amount of mental energy, and often for no good reason. I don't see a "wrong" or "right" here, just a learning opportunity.

  20. #13
    Veteran Member peachplumpear's Avatar
    Joined
    Dec 2008
    Posts
    513
    Thanks
    40
    Thanked 125 Times in 78 Posts

    Default Re: I'm in a mess and need to fess up here

    I did this before. But yeah I definitely told that the cheating made it final, like, I cheated once I had decided I was done wight the relationship. I felt bad for them, but had to just remember the reasons why it wasn't gonna work. You can't go back in time now. So just let time move forward and I promise you will feel better. You don't actually WANT to feel ok with what you did right away because that's kind of sociopathic you know? Let yourself "grieve" for that innocence lost or whatever and time will erase the bad feelings, you still love you, you're still awesome, I promise. And best of all, even if you have cheated bad before, when you find someone you really love the thought or the fear that you will cheat will not be there at all.
    "You wonder why the fuck I rap?
    It's deez SeXaY BiAtCHeZ on mah lap!"
    -peachplumpear

  21. The Following User Says Thank You to peachplumpear For This Useful Post:


Similar Threads

  1. Did I mess up?
    By Swagz in forum Life Support
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: 01-05-2012, 03:41 PM
  2. Fess Up
    By PrincessShea in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 01-05-2008, 12:01 PM
  3. Tried to mess with my $$$$!
    By Pure in forum Stripping (was Stripping General)
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 07-27-2005, 11:37 AM
  4. What a mess
    By Blaze1 in forum The Lounge
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 05-01-2003, 09:41 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •