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Thread: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

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    Default Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    (First I'm going to admit that I've been posting here for years and this is a throwaway acct. I don't want to use my main account because I know I'd feel mortified -- I'm usually a private person. Hope this is okay mods.)

    So I've been doing great in general for the past few years. I have a wonderful boyfriend, am killing it at work, feeling more secure in myself, etc. But in the last week I feel like I'm fucking everything up, and I don't even know why because everything was going so well!

    I've been drinking enough at work this week that I can't even tell with certainty if I was drugged last night. I just have hazy memories of going past my boundaries for the first time in almost 5 years, seriously slurred speech, needing the host to count my money for me while other employees said catty shit, and somehow winding up at home with a (surprisingly large considering!?) pile of cash and crying about how I was the town drunk to my boyfriend (this is what he told me). I apparently drank another glass of liquor and passed out on the couch. When I woke up I was so depressed that I took some Xanax and went back to sleep. Then again. After doing that a few times I'm running low so I've decided just to stay awake, but now I'm stuck with this feeling that's beyond depression or anxiety I've experienced in the past. It's more like crippling shame and feeling hopeless!?

    I think a lot of it has to do with going past my boundaries. It wasn't even fireable offense level stuff, just specific things that make my skin crawl personally. I know its not talked about much here, but has anyone felt similarly destroyed by pushing their boundaries?

    Or maybe if I was actually drugged (I've NEVER felt so wrecked from alcohol alone!) is this kind of next-level depression a normal hangover symptom? I also don't know if I should say anything about it the next time I see the host (we've had a great work relationship in the past). I don't want to cause any drama with a manager because it would be absurd to ask them to review hours of security footage on the off chance they could see someone put something in my drink, but if you were in my position would it just make matters worse to say, "Hey, did I act weird the other day? I think I might have been slipped something" to the host? Or should I just hope I blend in with other drunk coworkers and wait for everyone to forget about it? I can only guess I didn't get in trouble because my boyfriend says I got home a little earlier than normal and when you get in trouble at my club they keep you late.

    I'd talk about this with a therapist but the last guy hit on me so that's not an option for now. I also really don't want to go to a hospital or anything because I wasn't raped and I'm still breathing. Obviously I have to work sober for a while and watch any nonalcoholic drinks like a hawk. Any other advice for coping in the short or long term?

    If anyone's made it this far into my stupid post thanks just for reading. Hopefully this will blow over tomorrow.. I just feel so disoriented and not one bit like myself. And I can't believe how suddenly I started to feel this way.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    Holy shit … I don't think anything I can say will make much of a difference but I am still glad you made it thru the drinking+Xanax cycle! The extreme depression may be a side effect of being drugged; it could also have just been caused by the liquor+Xanax+liquor+Xanax+etc wreaking havoc on your body & your brain chemistry. That & the uncertainty of what happened at work would easily work off each other to make the whole thing a lot worse. Don't know if that makes you feel any better but it is another possibility.

    How to handle the work situation would probably depend on your club specifically. You mentioned having a good working relationship w/ the one host -- there have been a few club employees I worked w/ over the yrs that I built good work relationships w/ & I know I could trust them to give an honest account, to me or for me, if smtg happened. Would you be able to approach this host w/ the 'WTF did I do' questions, &/or ask them to intercede for you to mgmt abt checking the security tapes?

    Do you normally drink heavily at work or has this been a more recent thing? The answer here may affect how seriously mgmt treats your 'I may have been drugged' fears.

    I know sexwork-friendly therapists can be like unicorns, but if whatever happened to you is eating you up that badly, it may be worth the effort to find one. You also have the support of SW, even if most of us aren't trained therapists.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    Well both alcohol and xanax are depressant to your central nervous system. Sounds like you over did it and this could be one reason why you're feeling depressed like this. http://www.webmd.com/depression/guid...use-depression

    Definitely try to quit or at the least cut back.

    Also you mention feeling destroyed by pushing your boundaries....what do you mean?
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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    Actually, reading these responses have helped. Thanks for the support ladies!

    I didn't really consider that the xanax could be exacerbating everything because I took within my rx's daily limits (although normally I don't come close). I looked at it when I woke up feeling terrible and thought "Medicine!" without giving it a second thought.

    I think asking the host if I acted weird/letting on my suspicions will be okay, but I don't know mgmt well enough at all to get them involved. A lot of the managers in this town are really awful people who would just resent and distrust a dancer asking to review tapes. Since nothing outright terrible happened I don't want to be flagged as a "problem," but I do want to continue coming across as a reliable choice for room hookups with this host, who did seem politely annoyed that I couldn't count my goddamn money.

    As far as feeling destroyed, I suppose it was a little dramatic. I just feel like I did when I was a naive teenager who said "okay" to sex acts I wasn't comfortable with. Like I'm complicit in my own sexual assault. Again it was nothing that could seriously be considered prostitution (not knocking the profession of course), just things I knew from the very start of my career were no's for me like really rough groping/hair pulling/licking. At the time I just felt browned out and go with the flow so I'm thinking if anything it could have been a dose of GHB (this has happened to a friend in my city with a customer who admitted to wanting to loosen her up, he dosed her after she declined :/). But now I'm feeling a lot of shame and skin creepy-crawlies/disgust at that nice big pile of money sitting on my table. I hope it doesn't come back to haunt me as a washed up dancer 15 years from now, the thought that I can make "easier" money letting guys grope me like a real doll without regard for my human dignity.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    After a little more research I'm leaning twd thinking I sipped a little GHB, not that obsessing now will prove or change anything. But it would explain the feeling sedated but high and okay with being handled really roughly. I'm also notorious for never blacking out, and when I had surgery as a child doctors were appalled at how much anesthesia it took to keep me out. Would make sense that I could handle getting slipped a sedative and just feeling high rather than passing out.

    I'm gonna try to stop thinking about this and watch stupid TV but thanks again guys.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    I see what you mean about the boundaries.

    however there is no way you could have predicted if someone drugged you while working. If it was in fact ghb then this is also a depressant and combined with alcohol plus the later zanax plus the ordeal you went through its no wonder you feel depressed.

    Unfortunately there are sick individuals out there who take advantage of women. They know what they are doing and don't have a sense of other people's feelings - only their own. It sucks that you're feeling this way especially for something that was beyond your control at that time. and only thing you can do is take action and do best you can to protect yourself and take care of yourself in the future.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    I think you should just take a break from work for a few days. If you're drinking every night, letting your boundaries go, etc it all sounds like burn out and like you need to SLOW DOWN. I know toward the end of work last week I just felt "icky" after every shift. Guys are so pushy in Chicago but I'm usually mentally strong enough to fight them off...toward the end I was just like "fuck it. I don't have the energy" and let things slide that I normally wouldn't. You need to take some time to yourself, journal, forgive yourself (whether you're really guilty or not--but just let go of guilty feelings.) Find something fun to do with your time, something that makes you feel empowered and in control and let it go. I don't think you need a therapist..You just need to pay attention to what your mind and body are telling you.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    I'm sorry this happened to you-whether your drink was spiked or not, feeling like you are not in control is scary. It would be a good idea to take some time off from work (a few days, a week or however long you can afford to) and focus on yourself for a little while; rest, do something you enjoy and remove yourself from, your work environment, the cause of these feelings. Pushing through this and continuing to work without dealing with it first will make you burn out, really badly.

    If you honestly think your drink was spiked (it probably was) then it is worth mentioning it to management. If you have a good relationship with them, then they will most likely accept and respect your apology. But, remember that your state seems 100 times worse to you, in your mind than it actually was. Dancers get too drunk, the staff have seen it before and have probably already forgotten about it already!

    In terms of boundaries, if you were drugged or intoxicated then you weren't in any position to defend them so, while it's horrible, don't beat yourself up over it.

    Hope you are ok x
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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    I would normally take time off and would suggest it to any dancer in my position, but I actually want to reclaim my spot ASAP. The longer I stay at home the bigger of a problem it'll seem. The depression's gone -- I think it was a symptom of whatever hangover I was having. I'm looking at this like a wake-up call/blessing. I was probably drugged but nothing tragic happened -- I woke up safe on my couch with a huge pile of cash! I'm not going to let embarrassment and some asshole handling me roughly in VIP take my power.

    And of course when I go in tonight, I'll be sober and never let my seltzers out of my sight Thanks again ladies.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    You really don't see mixing alcohol and Xanax being a problem?

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    There seems to be some confusion about the xanax/alcohol..

    Just to clear it up I drank some liquor when I came home (which I don't remember), slept for 7 hours, woke up sober but with tremendous anxiety and took .5 mg of xanax. After that I woke up 4 hours later still feeling terrible and took another .5, then another .5 five hours later. 1.5 is my max daily dose but I usually take .5 once a week if I wake up too early and need more rest. The only alcohol in this mix aside from the 5 drinks I had at work that night (5 drinks IS a lot for work but not enough to cause my behavior/brownout the other night) was the liquor at the end of the night that I have no memory of drinking. It wasn't xanax + alcohol every time I woke up.

    I know the post was probably confusing, I was in a very bad place. And I only mentioned the xanax naps to give you guys a feeling of how intolerable whatever the hell it was I was feeling was. That behavior is SO out of character for me.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    First of all, be glad you're alive after a Xanal/alcohol combo, because a lot of people aren't. I'd switch clubs ASAP to a less contact one. Breaking your boundaries is just as depressing as the med/liquor combo you've listed. I'd see a shrink. One far away, if you're worried about running into someone you know. Don't worry about them locking you away, the symptoms and actions you've listed aren't enough for them to legally do so. Being able to vent and having your feelings validated by a professional will work wonders. If you're ok with it, they may want to put you on meds. It'll take a few weeks for them to reach full efficacy, so be patient. I can tell you this much from experience-alcohol will only help you make more money in a high-contact club. It won't take away the dread of going in, stress of girls talking shit, or the toll having your boundaries pushed in such a situation takes on your mental health. You can PM me for more specific info on meds. I used to be a nurse, but have to be a bit vague on here with recommendations cuz I fear giving out straight up medical advice and getting in trouble. Best of luck.
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    Close contact, for an hour, for $40? And I guess I'll have to make conversation with them too?

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    I probably will PM you Julia, but just to reiterate, I took .5 mg of xanax seven+ hours after ingesting alcohol/the probable drug in my drink. I know that mixing certain quantities of xanax and alcohol can be lethal, but that wasn't a risk I intended to expose myself to. Unless taking xanax seven-plus hours after drinking/possibly being drugged is potentially lethal? I'll have to talk to my Dr.

    I think the depression was probably caused by a combo hangover of whatever was slipped in my drink, work events, + the liquor I drank while blacked out and quite probably the prescribed xanax I used as a bandaid. I'm feeling better now, but man, whatever I got slipped plus liquor had me waking up feeling like I couldn't be conscious without a mental breakdown.

    But I'm glad this was a throwaway account because I don't mix benzos and alcohol, and I've only been drinking enough to get buzzed at work for a week. I just felt so depressed the other day that I needed to vent somewhere. I think I can get my shit back together and go back to how high functioning I was a week ago, tonight at work was a decent $$ sober shift.

    Also there are no low contact clubs where I am, but until the other night I always maintained healthy boundaries.

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    Default Re: Feeling like I'm approaching rock bottom out of nowhere, any advice/support?

    I am sorry you are going through a rough time.

    We have all been there. But some times are worse than others because we don't know where the emotions are coming from.

    It sounds like you are trying very hard to work on your issues.

    I was there and at times I am still there. Nothing made sense to me until I understood Shame and Guilt. I never thought it effected me until I read a book by Jane Middleton-Moz.
    If you aren't in the mood for a book .... http://www.cyquest.com/pathway/patterns_self_hate.html

    I hope things get better for you soon and you find what you need to heal.
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