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Thread: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

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    Default My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    And I'm struggling with accepting it. I feel like a horrible person for not having this close bond with my mom, and for not "obeying" her, but she is ruining my life. My mom and I used to be very close, but when her job began stressing her out, she began taking out her frustrations on me. She lost her job over two years ago and hasn't found another job. She ended up losing her house late last year, and she moved in with me. For months we argued constantly, it was a hostile environment, and I was completely miserable. She told everyone in the family, and all of her friends, my business, she was sneaky, she acted like I couldn't be trusted, and she accused me of "fooling with trash in the streets" and "fooling with drug dealers." I don't know any drug dealers, and all of my friends have steady careers and most are college grads. If I wanted to buy drugs, I wouldn't even know who to ask. Since she couldn't help pay any of my bills, I did expect her to watch my son when I needed her to, but I had issues with her several times because she wouldn't want to, because he's not her "responsibility." On top of that, she tried to control who I had over my place, and if I had a guy over at night, when my son was asleep, she would have an attitude, and lecture me about it. I told her several times that I wanted her out ASAP and did not want her to be here. She never made any effort until I told her I was moving in with my boyfriend when my lease is up in February. When I told her, her response was, "what about me?"

    I met my boyfriend in May, but I didn't bring him around my mom until October. She gave him the cold shoulder too when she first met him, but after a while, she kept telling me how much she liked him, and told him she hopes he is her future son-in-law, because he carried on conversations with her and because of what he would/can do for her. If my boyfriend brought me food, he would bring some for my mom too, and he would help out around my house. My mom started taking advantage of it though, and I had to tell her she was out of line. I knew my boyfriend didn't have the money to keep feeding my mom too, but he wanted to surprise me with my favorite food. When I told my mom he was bringing me a surprise dinner, she said in a "joking" voice "He better come in here with enough for us all." And my mom was considering asking him if he would drive us several states away, to see my brother in prison, because my mom is afraid to drive herself (remind you, this would be my boyfriend's first time even meeting my brother).

    Fast forward to last night, my 4 year old son, was acting out of control (this happens several times a week). He wasn't listening to me, he was talking back to my mom (by saying stuff like "I'm not going to go in my room. I'm going to do what I want to do.") and he kept hitting my boyfriend. With my permission, my boyfriend got up and tapped my son on his bottom and told him to go into his room. My son screamed at him, ran in his room and slammed the door. My mom immediately ran upstairs and asked my son what was wrong, but he didn't respond, and instead he kept throwing toys, so she went back downstairs. A few minutes later, my son came out of his room and started yelling "damn" at my boyfriend (my mom says damn a lot, and my son now yells "damn" and "Damn you" whenever he is angry and crying). My boyfriend got up and my son started yelling "I'm sorry!!" and screamed and ran downstairs and told my mom that my boyfriend hit him. My mom called me downstairs and yelled at me for allowing it, and then she came upstairs and yelled at my boyfriend and said "we may talk and joke, but we ain't cool like that," and she threatened to call CPS on me and call my son's dad (who doesn't pay child support, who has cursed my mom out, has multiple DUIs, a battery charge on me, and has threatened to not return my son from visitation) and have him take my son away from me.

    In my state, I have to give her 30 days before I can make her get out, and since I plan to move anyway, and can't be around her another 30 days, I'm moving my stuff out this week, and turning off my utilities, cable, internet and alarm, and only paying my rent, since I have to. I told her I'm doing this and that she can get utilities turned on in her name and she keeps telling me she cant believe I'm doing this, and that I'm a nasty person. She also was in disbelief that I was moving my son, and I don't want to make an abrupt change like this in his life, but I don't know if it's healthy to have him in a hostile environment. I feel like her goal was to run my boyfriend off, so that she can continue to live off of me. She has a friends house that she can go to, but she doesn't want to, because she knows she can't run her friend's house like she does mine. I'm really struggling with accepting how our relationship has turned out. I've never been close with my family because I never saw my aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents much. My mom, dad, and brother were the only family I had. Has anyone here been in a similar situation where your relationship with your mother deteriorated?

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    So sry you're having to deal w/ this

    I know it's a lot easier said than done, but as far as 'accepting the situation': consider her behaviour. She obviously has no qualms abt treating you like this. None at all. No sense of obligation to help you at home after you took her in. The way she treats your bf & your son? Jesus Christ, I'd look for a way to have her forcibly removed just for how she treats your son. The fact alone that she is your mother does not obligate you to put up w/ her crap, to obey her when she abuses you. Shit-talking you to the whole family, trying to control who YOU have over in YOUR OWN HOME, trying to guilt-trip your bf into taking care of her & encouraging your son's bad behaviour -- all of these are abusive displays. She is a grown-ass woman & knows exactly what she's doing, & has no fks to give. You owe her nothing!

    Is the 30-day period b4 eviction bc she actually signed sm sort of lease agreement? I saw you were planning to move bc your own lease would soon be up, but is she on it? If not, then there may be sm way around that 30-day requirement.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    Too bad that this has to happen at the beginning of the Holidays. I understand her frustration of loosing her job and home and she probably feels helpless and angry and she take it out on you - BUT - you have to protect your child and live your life. I wish I can offer you advice that would "magically" make all this better. Maybe a prayer sent you way may help - Good Luck

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    I would never do this to my child. Your mother sounds like a user. Can you help her get public assistance? I am shocked she would treat you this way.


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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    It reads as though the mom has developed a mental illness. Has the poster consulted mental health authorities.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    ^^^ agreed that the mom is at least suffering from 'depression' ... given that her own personal circumstances have turned to s#!t.

    At any rate, if the OP is a dancer or camgirl, unfortunately this may give the mom some 'leverage' with CPS / family court. My advice would be to get the hell out ASAP and don't tell mom your new address until she 'comes to her senses'. You can't make that stick permanently because the mom has a right to visit her grandchild, however. But it should allow you to 'regain control of the situation' for the moment.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    Quote Originally Posted by Melonie View Post
    ^^^ agreed that the mom is at least suffering from 'depression' ... given that her own personal circumstances have turned to s#!t.

    At any rate, if the OP is a dancer or camgirl, unfortunately this may give the mom some 'leverage' with CPS / family court. My advice would be to get the hell out ASAP and don't tell mom your new address until she 'comes to her senses'. You can't make that stick permanently because the mom has a right to visit her grandchild, however. But it should allow you to 'regain control of the situation' for the moment.
    I agree with this. Also giving your mom a break from you will give her a chance to explore her current options on her own.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    In addition to not telling her your new address, make sure everything is squeaky clean in you and your boyfriend's lives. It's common for abusive mothers to follow through on the threat of contacting CPS.

    I also wouldn't be surprised if your son's behavior improved drastically without her influence.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    Totally agree with the mom suffering from a mental illness that includes paranoia and delusional thinking.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    Sorry to hear all of that. It sounds like your mother is a real nut job. That sucks and it no doubt has made everything tougher.

    Just a few other random thoughts:


    • If your mother does make an issue of things with CPS, letting your BF raise his hand to your child isn't going to help matters. As far as anyone (the courts, his father, CPS) is concerned, he is just some random dude who could be gone tomorrow. He has no status with your child, nor is he contributing in any way to your child's upkeep. You may want to keep matters of discipline in your own hands for the time being.

    • IMHO you need to stop being cowed by the empty threats of your kid's father and force him to pony up. You've obviously been through the court process before, since there is a visitation order in place, so I'm guessing that there is also court ordered child support. You don't even need a lawyer to file a contempt of court action for child support - there are tons of resources to help you.

    • Is moving in with the BF right now really your best option? Your 4 year old is close to a point where he's going to have long-term memory. You've also already established that the BF doesn't make a lot of money. There are a lot of risks in doing this, including the risk that your kid could get attached to a guy who eventually takes off; the risk that you could get pregnant again and become an unmarried woman with multiple baby daddies; the risk that your BF starts sucking off of your earnings or turns out to be something less than you hoped; etc. Could you just get your own place until he proves himself and his commitment more?



    In any event, good luck!

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    Quote Originally Posted by Melonie View Post
    ^^^ agreed that the mom is at least suffering from 'depression' ... given that her own personal circumstances have turned to s#!t.

    At any rate, if the OP is a dancer or camgirl, unfortunately this may give the mom some 'leverage' with CPS / family court. My advice would be to get the hell out ASAP and don't tell mom your new address until she 'comes to her senses'. You can't make that stick permanently because the mom has a right to visit her grandchild, however. But it should allow you to 'regain control of the situation' for the moment.
    Does she actually have a legal right to visit the grandchild? I'm just curious, because she definitely hasn't proved herself to be a positive influence.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    Does she actually have a legal right to visit the grandchild? I'm just curious, because she definitely hasn't proved herself to be a positive influence.
    That would be a matter of state law, and would vary from state to state.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    ^^^ given that the grandmother and grandchild have resided in a common 'household', thus have already established a 'relationship' with each other, odds strongly favor the grandmother being granted visitation rights by a family court despite parental objections. About the only reason this would not happen is if it could be proven in court that such visitation would NOT be in the best interests of the grandchild. In contrast, a grandparent 'appearing out of nowhere' ( i.e. previously living in a different state, etc. ) would almost certainly NOT be granted visitation rights over parental objections, because no pre-established 'relationship' exists.

    Obviously, official documentation of 'mental illness' on the part of the grandmother might provide a reason for family court to deny visitation rights. If the grandmother were to be refused visitation by the parent, and does raise the visitation issue in family court, the parent's attorney could insist that the grandmother agree to undergo an 'evaluation' prior to visitation being granted. At least this would pressure the grandmother to 'back off', lest an unfavorable 'evaluation' become part of her own permanent record.
    Last edited by Melonie; 11-25-2014 at 09:24 AM.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    OP depending on your state (I personally know California does this)- if your mother starts calling CPS, you can talk to a social worker about how you truly feel your mother does not have the financial or mental fitness to raise a child. Since you most probably have receipts and records of paying part or all of her expenses, get that paperwork together. Organize it and show it to a social worker of judge if you have to....Most likely the CPS complaints will go away once you establish that this is an extreme case of sour grapes/ family drama.

    You *might* want to get a restraining order if your mother gets more threatening- it proves to the law that you have a legit fear of her. Unfortunately when kids are in the picture it pays to have the law on your side.

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    Default Re: My mom used to be my best friend, but now she is my enemy... (long vent)

    Or you can talk to the mental health authorities.

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