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Thread: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

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    Default What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Let me preface this by saying I'm usually not the type to go to the club, or out at all (Not that there's anything wrong with that) but a few weekends ago some of my friends dragged me out to the local all-nude club. I was having a good time, and walking to the bar to get a drink when I made eye contact with a person in my family I grew up with; we used to hang out all the time, but spend less time together as we grow older.

    I walked by a few times, absolutely shitting my pants, making eye contact, because I still wasn't sure if it was her, she didn't look the same in the lighting and with her makeup/hair done. I left that night still unsure of what exactly happened. A few nights ago I went back to the club, because I know she's traveling with her family, and asked one of the girls after buying a dance if she knew my family by the name of ****, she said yes and that she works late nights on Saturdays, confirming my suspicion. My stomach began to hurt, and I had to sit down.

    After reading these forums and talking to a few of the girls at the club a bit I now understand that most of you are very happy and liberated by what you do, but I still feel the need to talk to her (Maybe this thanksgiving), and have no idea what to say

    What can I say to her to let her know that I love her and support her no matter what she does? If she's happy there, then I want her to know that Im happy, and if not I want her to be able to express that, too. I'm also afraid she thinks I was perving on her, I know we were in a strip club, but I really was trying to look at her face...

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    I'm going to pretend for a moment that all of this was serious...

    Quote Originally Posted by bt321 View Post
    After reading these forums and talking to a few of the girls at the club a bit I now understand that most of you are very happy and liberated by what you do, but I still feel the need to talk to her (Maybe this thanksgiving), and have no idea what to say

    What can I say to her to let her know that I love her and support her no matter what she does? If she's happy there, then I want her to know that Im happy, and if not I want her to be able to express that, too. I'm also afraid she thinks I was perving on her, I know we were in a strip club, but I really was trying to look at her face...
    Why do you need to say anything? Frankly it is none of your business.

    Quote Originally Posted by bt321 View Post
    I walked by a few times, absolutely shitting my pants, making eye contact, because I still wasn't sure if it was her, she didn't look the same in the lighting and with her makeup/hair done. I left that night still unsure of what exactly happened. A few nights ago I went back to the club, because I know she's traveling with her family, and asked one of the girls after buying a dance if she knew my family by the name of ****, she said yes and that she works late nights on Saturdays, confirming my suspicion. My stomach began to hurt, and I had to sit down.
    I believe that medicine is available, over the counter, to treat both stomach discomfort and diarrhea. Might be a wise investment if you have a delicate stomach and bowel control problems.


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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    I'd advise you to take a good, hard look at your motives for raising the subj w/ her.

    You 'love & support her no matter what she does' yet your stomach started to hurt & the shock took your legs out from under you when a coworker confirmed her identity? That sounds a lot like an 'OMG how could she DO this?!' kind of reaction. It doesn't sound much like a ' Oh, nice! Well, good for her if she's happy w/ it!' reaction.

    It really sounds like you're looking for an explanation from her, by this 'need to talk to her abt it'. Her reasons are, frankly, none of your business. If it really was her, & she didn't approach you when she saw you at her workplace, did you stop to think abt the possible reasons why? I'm a little confused as to what you meant by 'leaving the club still unsure of what happened'. It doesn't sound like much of anything happened. She was at work, like any other dancer there, working. Doing her job. Making her living. No different than if you came upon her working in any other job at any other venue. Were you expecting her to come over & make nice & then say 'OMG, I know this must be sooooooooo totally awkward for you [bc your post is really all abt you, not her], but …'

    In short, stop making her decision to work at the SC abt you. Leave it alone. She owes you no explanation. If she wants to discuss it w/ you, trust me, she will find a way to do so.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    She doesn't need to explain anything to you, family or not.

    If you want to be a good supportive family member, let her know that you aren't going to out her and throw her under the bash a ho bus. She is probably worried to death that you are going to ruin her life.

    She is a big girl, she made the decision on stripping. Support and respect that decision. Why do people get jobs...? To pay their bills and life necessities. You wouldn't ask a family member why are they working at a crappy fast food joint or a telemarketing job. You wish them the best on achieving their life goals. THAT'S FAMILY.





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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Are you sure that she saw you? If so like the above poster said, the only reason to discuss this with her would to let her know she has no worry of you outing her to her parents, friends, family members, whatever, because she probably is pretty stressed about that right now.

    Sex work for me is a small part of my life that I choose not to discuss with anyone but my boyfriend, best friend of almost two decades, and SW. I would very much NOT appreciate a conversation being thrust upon me by some random family member who I barely see anymore about my job, and would even LESS appreciate being forced to give you some explanation or reason for why I do it, and justify to you that I am happy and not victimized, objectified, scared little girl. It's just none of your damn business, and I'm sure you wouldn't understand it anyway from the viewpoint I'm getting from your post, so what's the point?

    Some women are more open about being sex workers than others, and I think I am particularly secretive about it, but you should assume that she errs toward my end since you have no reason to think otherwise.

    Before you start judging her, which is sounds like you are-- if you saw her working at Starbucks would you need to have a conversation about whether she's happy there?-- maybe you should think about what you were doing in the SC and if you really have any moral ground here.


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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Say nothing. It's absolutely not your place to say anything and if she didn't know you saw her, she will now.
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    Quote Originally Posted by xStacey View Post
    Close contact, for an hour, for $40? And I guess I'll have to make conversation with them too?

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    I'll consider all of your advice, apparently approaching her is absolutely the opposite of what she would want, I'll keep that in mind..

    The reason i came here was because I figured I had no idea how she thinks,or what her reaction to me seeing her there would be - so I came to ask people who have some idea of what it means to be a woman,specifically a woman in the sex business (I don't know the PC terms)Shit!I have no idea what its like to be a woman, nevertheless a stripper.

    I'm sorry that I seem to have offended some of you with my social ineptness,but Im just concerned for her and want the best,even if I don't at all understand her situation. It may be none of my business,but it won't stop me from worrying about her...

    So Ill just make sure she knows I won't out her and will say no more

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Audrey_K

    I'm sorry that I came off that way. Of course I don't have a moral high ground on her, because there's no moral high ground to be had. I don't believe there's anything wrong with working there, or coming to the club as a customer. If there's any blame to be laid in any sort of sex trade,it lies solely in the consumer.

    And I am not judging her, I am just worried. Not because I condemn the work, but because I want the best for her.

    Thanks for your post,It helped me see a lot about her potential feelings that I could not see behind my apparently,limited, and not particularly self-aware spectrum of view.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    ^it's not your social ineptness that anyone finds offensive, it's this idea that sex work (we call it the 'adult entertainment industry' ) somehow needs to be 'explained' and 'justified'... it's my impression that's the reason you want to discuss it with her. It's also extremely condescending that you feel you need to take a grown woman aside and discuss whether or she's OK in her job-- she's grown, she takes care of herself, she's made her own choices, she doesn't need to justify or explain anything to you, or have some man sit down and evaluate whether she's made positive life choices.

    While I appreciate you taking the time to do some research and get some perspective on an industry you don't know much about, it doesn't seem to be sinking in with you... you're saying how strippers on SW are 'happy' and 'liberated' but then in the next sentence you say you still need to sit down with her and make sure she's really happy with what she's doing. If you've learned anything from reading this forum, I would hope it would be that us sex workers are not a bunch of victimized little girls that you need to throw up and have diarrhea over the way we're treated.


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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    I understand this, even if I do so with a foot in my mouth. This is not just a family member I never see anymore, my family is very close, and when I say that we've grown apart I mean we see each other on a weekly basis instead of a daily one. So please understand my post comes out of concern, stupidity, and only the best intentions.

    I will try my very hardest to sink your girls' points into my thick skull. I think I understand your sentiment,and why it makes me both an ass, and a product of the demonization of sextrade.

    So the best I can do for her is just set her at ease that I won't out her?

    I'm sorry.. This is obviously not within my limits of expertise/comfort, which is why I came for some apparently much needed advice and telling off

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    The last thing you want to do is burn bridges with any family member, I understand. I'm very close with mine too. And I respect that you asked our advice first before you say something you wouldn't want to say.

    Yes, let her know you aren't going to out her. I would send her a message instead of to her face. You might catch her off guard. Tell her you love her, and you won't tell anyone about her profession. And the last thing you want to do is hurt her." That's all. Don't ask her why she got into dancing, because the answer is usually always money. If she is in trouble anyway, she'll tell you if she wants to.

    Also make sure you tell her before you see her. I know I would avoid family events if I feel like a relative might out me.





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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Don't even say that you won't say anything, say nothing. Doing anything but that will teach her that you can't keep a secret.
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    Quote Originally Posted by xStacey View Post
    Close contact, for an hour, for $40? And I guess I'll have to make conversation with them too?

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Say nothing. Seriously.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    There's a huge chance that she didn't even see you there.

    If she DID see you, and wanted to talk to you about it, then she would have.

    Your level of insecurity with her job choice is mind blowing, honestly. Don't talk to her about it. Don't bring it up. Don't start the drama that you WILL cause if you have that discussion.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    It s okay for you to go to strip clubs, but not okay for her to work there? Pretty hypocritical, I think. You have no business saying anything to her. Mind your own damn business.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Just in case you haven't heard it enough, the way to convey to her that you still like/love/support her is to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Thanksgiving is stressful enough for everyone already!

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    BTW a dancer friend of mine trolled one of her dad's friends who saw her at the club. Friend was dumb enough to mention it to Dad...she said he must be a rapey creep to be having such thoughts, that he saw his friend's kid at a stripclub.....Friendship terminated!

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Quote Originally Posted by azaleanola View Post
    Just in case you haven't heard it enough, the way to convey to her that you still like/love/support her is to KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Thanksgiving is stressful enough for everyone already!
    ^This, exactly! If you feel the need to confront her then at least have the respect not to do so at a family gathering.
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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    My thoughts.........."What happens In the Strip Club, STAYS In the Strip Club."

    If she saw You, and brings it up, that would be the only time I would suggest mentioning it.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    The message to say nothing has been pretty consistent.
    And I agree with it.
    While I understand why the performers on this forum are offended by your post, I think you deserve more credit for researching the issue and for keeping an open mind, before you just approached her and said something that she doubtless would have found to be uncomfortable and probably demeaning. While I agree that your attitudes are the product of distorted social constructs regarding this profession, it sounds to me like you have demonstrated the ability to think for yourself and to learn and to grow your horizons beyond those distorted social constructs.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Quote Originally Posted by bt321 View Post
    I will try my very hardest to sink your girls' points into my thick skull. I think I understand your sentiment,and why it makes me both an ass, and a product of the demonization of sextrade.
    BT, it might be useful for you to turn this around a bit. What if she were to have reciprocal feelings about you? It would go like this:

    She wants to support you, but she wonders if you are happy with your choice to be a strip club customer. What made you choose to go to clubs? Why can't you find fulfillment without paying to be around women? Are you hiding from your feelings of rejection because of your ex-wife/girlfriend?

    Seriously, why is it OK to go to a strip club, but not OK to be a dancer? She will see them as equivalent.

    As for what follow-up discussion you have, leave it alone for the remainder of the holiday week-end. If this is going to remain the "elephant in the room," then you could discuss this with her, but only with the idea of clearing the air and nothing else. Deal with your part, not hers. Start by telling her that you are sorry if you made her uncomfortable. Assure her that if you visit the club again, you can do so when she is not working, if that would be better for her. Then stop there and listen. Really listen. Let her decide what, if anything, she wants to tell you. Then agree that the conversation will remain between the two of you, and not any other family members or mutual friends.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Get a lap dance from her. After, you can discuss what appears to be her new job.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    Stay the hell out of it.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    What excellent, sensitive thoughts.

    Quote Originally Posted by lastone View Post
    BT, it might be useful for you to turn this around a bit. What if she were to have reciprocal feelings about you? It would go like this:

    She wants to support you, but she wonders if you are happy with your choice to be a strip club customer. What made you choose to go to clubs? Why can't you find fulfillment without paying to be around women? Are you hiding from your feelings of rejection because of your ex-wife/girlfriend?

    Seriously, why is it OK to go to a strip club, but not OK to be a dancer? She will see them as equivalent.

    As for what follow-up discussion you have, leave it alone for the remainder of the holiday week-end. If this is going to remain the "elephant in the room," then you could discuss this with her, but only with the idea of clearing the air and nothing else. Deal with your part, not hers. Start by telling her that you are sorry if you made her uncomfortable. Assure her that if you visit the club again, you can do so when she is not working, if that would be better for her. Then stop there and listen. Really listen. Let her decide what, if anything, she wants to tell you. Then agree that the conversation will remain between the two of you, and not any other family members or mutual friends.

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    Default Re: What to say to family member I saw stripping at local club?

    I read nothing into your post except that you are concerned for the feelings of your female relative and you are in an awkward position. You made it clear that you are not moralizing or attempting to rescue her from squalor. You are right to be concerned for her happiness, since stripping is no ordinary job and comes with various problems arising directly from the nature of the job. The feelings of a close family member, and your relations with her, certainly are your business.

    Unfortunately it's a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation. Bringing it up might humiliate her and cause her to resent you, so perhaps you should let her deal with the situation how she decides. Since she chose to strip, the responsibility is technically on her to deal with any consequences of that. However, possibly she is afraid to bring it up with you despite being stressed over it, and the stress may cause problems sooner or later. Therefore it may be up to you to bring it out into the open and resolve it with her. Either choice could lead to problems and perhaps you just have to choose the least harmful scenario. Your intentions are sound in any case and hopefully she will understand them.

    If you are not sure it was her or, if it was her, you aren't sure she knows you recognized her, then there is some plausible deniability there for both her (about stripping) and yourself (about recognizing her). Maybe it's better for her that she thinks you were "perving" on her than to think you recognized her. She was there to be "perved at" by customers, so it's not that big a deal for her to think you were.

    Although you don't want to risk hurting her, you should not feel you are on the back foot. The situation was created by her own decision to strip, not by you. Any consequences of this for her are not your fault. You being at a strip club was not the cause of her own possible embarrassment with you or other family members.
    Quote Originally Posted by Athenathefabulous View Post
    we are all perverts in the SC in my opinion. Hes a pervert, you're a pervert, I'm a pervert.

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