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Thread: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

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    Veteran Member DreamsInDigital's Avatar
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    Angry My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Let me preface this by saying that I do like my roommate. We get along well and she does a lot of nice things for me. This is the one major issue though...

    My boyfriend is basically everything a girl could ever hope for. I live with him and a female roommate, but his job takes him out of town for at least 6 months out of the year so that he's often gone for weeks or months at a time. Just a few of his awesome qualities are that we share the same sense of humor, he cooks, he pays for everything so that I can focus on school and not feel pressured to work more hours than I can really handle, he has an insanely busy schedule but always makes sure to make time for me, he has zero issues with my job (I actually met him at work, and when he's around he drops me off and picks me up from my shifts so that I won't have to drive in case I've been drinking), he takes care of my little dog when I'm not around (this actually includes dressing him in a coat and boots when it's cold and taking him for a walk) - I could go on and on forever. All my friends like him, and even my family likes him (which is huge cuz they've never liked ANYONE I've dated.)

    My roommate is single and it seems like almost everything she does is centered around trying to find a man. She doesn't know that I dance. "Social status" is of major importance to her. She and I (for different reasons) share an interest in name brands and doing things to maintain the best possible appearance like getting our nails & hair done, tanning, makeup, etc. She teaches at the same school I go to, we have similar levels of "book smarts" and education - lots of superficial points to relate on, basically. My boyfriend does not fit into her ideal at all. He grew up in a poor inter-city neighborhood and didn't even finish high school, which is pretty evident in the way he talks. He's covered in tattoos, hardly cares what he wears, and uses curse words in informal speech when he's at home, which offends her because "it's just common sense" that "normal people don't need to use that kind of language." He's very clean, stays in our bedroom most of the time playing video games when he's home, and is always happy and willing to help out with anything my roommate ever needs, including sitting and listening to her talk about herself for hours (literally) if she's had an especially rough day. My roommate is careless, and does stupid stuff all the time like not cleaning up after herself, leaving lights on, constantly using our groceries by mistake because she thought they were hers, etc. I know that my boyfriend has issues with these things and has brought it up to her several times, but other than that, I can't see any valid reason for her to dislike him.

    She makes these sideways little comments all the time that make it obvious that she doesn't think my boyfriend is good enough for me. She has asked me on several occasions what I like about him. At about the second or third time, I thought it would help her to accept him if I pointed out more of his positive superficial qualities, since that's what she seems to care so much about. So, I told her how he has a successful (albeit non-traditional) career and makes a ton of $$, flies me all over the world on vacation, and knows a lot of famous celebrities (whom I often also get to meet.) Her response was just, "Oh, so you're just using him for his money and connections then. Well, every relationship has a trade-off of some kind, I guess." He and I both just let it go for the past 6 months or so, but eventually I did sit down with her and say in a very non-confrontational way, "Maybe you don't mean it this way, but you've said X, Y, and Z in the past, and it really makes it seem like you don't support our relationship. Even if you don't mean it that way, can you see how it could come across like that? We're really happy together, and it's hurtful to hear these things." That was honestly the best way I could think of to address it, because she's so self-centered that she sees virtually everything as a personal attack and then immediately goes on the defensive. If I had been more direct, she probably would have just been upset and not listened at all. She denied everything and made excuses and, while I didn't believe anything she said, it did seem like she changed her behavior after knowing that we were aware of what was going on.

    This year, I accepted her invitation to have Thanksgiving dinner with her and her family and family's friends, since I had no other plans. At one point, almost everyone got up from the dinner table and started dancing. They were really trying to get me to join, but I politely declined each time because it's really not my thing. There was a guy about my same age who also chose not to dance, so I ended up spending pretty much the rest of the night talking to him. (Partially because there wasn't really anything else for me to do, and partially to try to look busy so that maybe I wouldn't get asked to dance anymore.) The next day, my roommate seemed genuinely worried that I didn't have a good time - she kept asking me. I assured her that I really did, and told her that I was perfectly entertained by talking to (the family friend) all night, because we ended up having a lot in common and he was really cool. I said (to emphasize the point, although this was true) that actually, he seemed like he would make a good friend, and under other circumstances I might suggest hanging out with him, but I felt that it would be inappropriate since I'm in a relationship, and I didn't want to have ANY chance that he could get the wrong impression (even though I already told him about my bf.)

    Well, she latched onto this info and I can now see that she's trying to launch an all-out campaign to get me to break up with my boyfriend and date this guy instead. She actually CALLED HIS MOM, and ended up giving her my phone number to give to him - and of course he texted me right away. Now she keeps trying to insist that I text him, that we go out, that it's not at all inappropriate but I "don't have to tell (my boyfriend.)" I honestly want NO part of this and wish I never even said anything, but it feels like there is nothing I can do that will make her give this idea up and stop harassing me, now that she's got it in her head. It's causing so much additional stress in my life, I really just want to be left alone - WTF can I do??!!

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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Ok, first off, I would contact [the family friend] & politely set him straight. He was forced into the middle by your roommate, & I think it is only fair & courteous to let him know what happened, you like him but don't Like Him, & that your roommate overstepped.

    Now, onto the main problem of your roommate's meddling: I think there is one of two things going on here. Given her superficial fixations & general self-absorption, one possibility is that she thinks any association w/ this guy, even as just a flatmate, will negatively rub-off on her, so she wants to get rid of him.

    The other possibility is that, for all of her hoity-toity shitting-on, she's attracted to him & wants to get rid of you so she can snag him. He sounds like he's got that perfect 'wrong side of the tracks' bad-boy-w/-connections charm going for him, & the fact that he's already 'taken' makes him Forbidden Fruit x10.

    I would look for a way to get rid of her, honestly.

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    This girl sounds like an evil version of Cher Horowitz from "Clueless" lol

    My advice, avoid her and phase her out of your life. Hell, your boyfriend sounds like more of a catch than most of the blow-dried yuppie douches that are trying to get laid out there... What your boyfriend HAS that people like her do not is character. One cannot survive a bad upbringing & come out halfway normal without a certain amount of character and soul.

    I've never liked girls like your room mate b/c they often parrot the opinions and behavior of their parents, OR are angling for a way to make you totally dependent on them (like the crazy new room mate in "Single White Female.") ughhh fuck that.

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    Ok, first off, I would contact [the family friend] & politely set him straight. He was forced into the middle by your roommate, & I think it is only fair & courteous to let him know what happened, you like him but don't Like Him, & that your roommate overstepped.
    This is a great idea and I will definitely do it! Like I said, he's cool, so I'm sure he will understand.

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    Now, onto the main problem of your roommate's meddling: I think there is one of two things going on here. Given her superficial fixations & general self-absorption, one possibility is that she thinks any association w/ this guy, even as just a flatmate, will negatively rub-off on her, so she wants to get rid of him.
    ^^I think this may be part of it. God forbid anyone comes over and sees who she lives with!

    There is no way in hell that she has even a tiny bit of attraction to him. I mentioned she was single bc I think that a major part of her issue is also that she is jealous cuz my bf and I have such a great relationship, and she wants so desperately to find a man. You know, "misery loves company..."

    The thing is, it's not like anyone's forcing her to live here. Her lease was supposed to be a year long, but she got special permission to give 60 days notice after 4 months, since she signed it while my bf was out of town, and didn't have a chance to meet him first. Not only did she not give notice at 4 months, but she has actually been living here more than a year now, and I haven't heard anything from her that indicates that she has any definite plans to move out in the near future. For the amount she pays in rent here, she could probably rent her own studio in another part of town. But, you know, this is a very "upscale" community, and social class is sooo important....

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    I don't know what's going on here-- my first thought would be, she's single and is jealous of your relationship because she's alone. I've had jealous female friends be negative towards my relationship before, though not to this extent. But the fact that she's trying to set you up with another person makes you think she really is just embarrassed of having him around.

    What does he do for a living? You've set him up as not being super educated/having a lot of training but making tons of money-- I'm hoping it's something legal and not something that could get you into trouble? Cause then I would understand her not being supportive and worried.

    What was her reaction when you sat her down and told her how it makes you feel? I would just be clear and said that you have tried to bring this up to her kindly & calmly and she isn't hearing you, so now you have to lay down the law and say that you will no longer tolerate hearing anything commentary on your relationship and if she cannot abide by this then you or her will have to move out.

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    Veteran Member DreamsInDigital's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    @audrey_k: He has a totally legit job in the entertainment industry - nothing sketchy or illegal at all. And, I know the reputation that industry can sometimes have, but he doesn't do drugs or anything like that either. Actually, whenever my roommate is introducing my boyfriend to one of her friends, mentioning what he does for work is always the next thing that comes out of her mouth, right after his name. So if she's embarrassed about that, she really has me fooled.

    The more weird thing was actually her reaction when I first told her what my boyfriend's job was. I mentioned the artist he was working with at the time, and right away she said, "Oh, I don't really like (that artist.)" Umm, who was asking for your opinion?? BUT she was more than happy to go to one of his concerts when my bf hooked her up w/ a free ticket. In fact, she ASKED for one...

    When I mentioned how it bothered me (the way she's been acting and the things she's said), she completely just tried to deny everything and said, "Noo, I didn't mean it like that at all!! I only said those things because you were having doubts about the relationship..." Which is actually NOT true, because she has asked me sooo many times if I'm really happy with him, like she's waiting for me to slip up and say, "no" but I never have....

    I guess I am going to have to be more firm with her.

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    IMO she has a personality disorder that is fueling this behavior. (One of my lifelong best friends has the same problem BUT due to coaching from her mentally stable mother, my friend has appropriately expressed her insecure opinions most of the time.) The freebie-seeking makes me think that she's just really calculating as well, maybe jealous? Like "I don't like [this situation] but I got something out of it...so I'm good for now"?

    In short, just tune her out and cut her out.

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    I think she is drama starved or she is purposely trying to cause problems because she wants your boyfriend, or You to her self. And she would probably start crap with your boyfriend saying that your into this family friend of hers.. You and your boyfriend need to discuss what happened and what she is doing if it becomes an issue sit her down tell her that you're very uncomfortable with how she doesnt repect your relationship with your boyfriend,and that You are committed to your boyfriend.
    This later could get out of hand put your foot down and stop it.

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Would you be open to not living with her?

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    She sounds jealous, and by the way she is very opinionated, prob. craves what You have on a very deep level.
    I had a close cousin, and sister stay with me when I was married.. both hated my husband.., But both fucked him!!

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    I second all the others that had suggested that your roommate secretly yearns for your boyfriend.





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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    ^ Glamourmilf that is fucking awful.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

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    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    ^^Yeah, he was fucking awful!! But I blame my cousin and sister.. of course I don't speak to either of them anymore.
    he also fucked his sister's best friend, even after I had cooked for her and had her as a guest in my house!
    No wonder I'm very cautious toward men.

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    Veteran Member DreamsInDigital's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by amberlly View Post
    Would you be open to not living with her?
    Yes, *however* for various reasons, I think it would be more stressful to have her move out. I'd rather just let her stay and try to find a good way to deal with this.

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Ok, if you really want to stay with her, here, is my advice; every time she offers her "advice" about your bf, just smile nicely, tune it out, and say something innocuous like "Thanks I'll give that some thought." Then go on about your business. (don't always give the same response every time, or it will be obvious you're blowing her off.)What you want is just to end the conversation without letting yourself get upset and without confronting her for her nosiness and pushiness.

    If she doesn't get a response, she will eventually give up. (although she may escalate it before she gives up)

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Dreams: From your description, the roommate does not sound like she's interested in your guy. You don't mention her having any attraction to guys with tattoos or that the guy at Thanksgiving had a similar sort of image, so I think that the image is actually the important thing here. Whatever she's seeing about your boyfriend fits into the worthless/bad person category, and she isn't the sort to see whatever it is that you value in him. And she doesn't sound like she's aware that anything she would say would hurt anyone, regardless of your actually specifically saying that directly to her.

    You already know that she does not recognize that anything she does has any kind of consequences to other people. That she does not care about using your groceries, leaves stuff lying around, won't clean up after herself and leaves lights on and such makes it pretty clear that she does not have respect or empathy for other people. You can tell her how wonderful your guy is, and it would be the same as if you were telling her about your favorite pair of socks or brand of toothpaste. It's not going to register, because to her, it doesn't matter.
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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by maximvsv View Post
    Dreams: From your description, the roommate does not sound like she's interested in your guy. You don't mention her having any attraction to guys with tattoos or that the guy at Thanksgiving had a similar sort of image, so I think that the image is actually the important thing here. Whatever she's seeing about your boyfriend fits into the worthless/bad person category, and she isn't the sort to see whatever it is that you value in him. And she doesn't sound like she's aware that anything she would say would hurt anyone, regardless of your actually specifically saying that directly to her.

    You already know that she does not recognize that anything she does has any kind of consequences to other people. That she does not care about using your groceries, leaves stuff lying around, won't clean up after herself and leaves lights on and such makes it pretty clear that she does not have respect or empathy for other people. You can tell her how wonderful your guy is, and it would be the same as if you were telling her about your favorite pair of socks or brand of toothpaste. It's not going to register, because to her, it doesn't matter.
    Wow. Yeah, I think that pretty much sums her up right there. I never thought about it this way, but I believe that this is 100% spot on.

    About a week ago, I was planning a night out for dinner and drinks with her and a bunch of my friends. Of course, she was adamant that I invite (the guy from Thanksgiving), insisting that, "You would probably really like him and his friends. They're really chivalrous, polite, nice guys. I bet you're not used to that!"

    So, I gave her this kind of look and acting as if I were confused, I said, "Not used to it.......why?"
    Then she went on blabbing, trying to come up with some sort of reason, which of course, she didn't really have. And the whole time I just stared at her as if she were speaking a foreign language, and she was finished, I just said (in a way that made it really seem like I still had no idea what she was talking about), ".......Okay."

    I haven't heard a thing about him since.
    (Although, I'm sure this isn't over...)

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    There is a thing called boundaries.

    You let this go on for way to long. Shut it down. Tell her it is NONE of her biz, it is your relationship. Never ever let her make a snide remark or comment to him or about him. She is insulting you.

    You openly & willingly let her insult & degrade you, him the relationship without any consequences. Wow!

    When she says something inappropriately or butts her nose in, immediately let her know that will not be tolerated. You will have to do it several times, but no more.

    She eats & drinks your stuff cause she has no respect. Nor do you demand it. People treat you the way you let them. Diss my man & you may have to pick yourself up off the floor.

    If it was his friends doing that, you would expect him to shut it down, not to allow it to happen again. HE may not be up to her standards, but he is up to yours. Do you love him? shouldn't you have his back? Where do your loyalties go, because your actions of what you wrote here is to her.

    Sam

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    Veteran Member DreamsInDigital's Avatar
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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Quote Originally Posted by Sam38g View Post
    There is a thing called boundaries.

    You let this go on for way to long. Shut it down. Tell her it is NONE of her biz, it is your relationship. Never ever let her make a snide remark or comment to him or about him. She is insulting you.

    You openly & willingly let her insult & degrade you, him the relationship without any consequences. Wow!

    When she says something inappropriately or butts her nose in, immediately let her know that will not be tolerated. You will have to do it several times, but no more.

    She eats & drinks your stuff cause she has no respect. Nor do you demand it. People treat you the way you let them. Diss my man & you may have to pick yourself up off the floor.

    If it was his friends doing that, you would expect him to shut it down, not to allow it to happen again. HE may not be up to her standards, but he is up to yours. Do you love him? shouldn't you have his back? Where do your loyalties go, because your actions of what you wrote here is to her.

    Sam
    Thank you for providing this perspective. I should add here that it's not like he doesn't know about any of this. Of course I love him, and we share everything with each other. He actually picked up on this vibe when they first met, whereas it took me a bit longer to realize. He chooses to ignore her cuz he knows she doesn't listen to anyone but herself anyway, and he doesn't want to start a conversation where he might get angry, because he has difficulty controlling his anger. (This is what HE told me. I've never seen what happens bc he makes a major effort to avoid those types of situations.)

    Whenever she's blatantly made comments about him, I've always defended him 100%. When I confronted her to get her to stop, she she denied all of it and asked for specific examples. I gave them to her, and she either had an excuse for everything that "No, that's not what I meant at all!", or "didn't remember it that way." Then the bf came in and she went off gushing to him about how great she thinks he is and that we misunderstood her and blah blah blah.

    ......Actually I think I basically just answered my own question right there.
    There's no real hope in trying to use any kind of normal approach to a person who is as psychologically messed up as she is. It's like trying to teach calculus to a first grader. Guess I'm gonna have to start looking for a new roommate.

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    Default Re: My Roommate Keeps Trying to Get Me to Break Up With My Boyfriend

    Your friend seems to have quite a few sociopath personality traits. I agree with Sam. Shut this down instantly. I'd be afraid she'd have the Thanksgiving guy show up where you are and be taking cell pictures to post somewhere for your BF to find....or some other sneaky action. As someone that unknowingly married (and is now divorcing) a sociopath...GET OUT NOW! She's not going to let this go. You're better off finding another roommate who's less judgmental and full of herself.

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