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Thread: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

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    Default Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    We likely won't be getting back together, but in the interest of personal development, I'd really like some input. My club and personal friends can often be a hugbox when it comes to this kind of thing because they just assume I'm being reasonable.

    Last weekend, my mom asked my fiance to help put up the outdoor Christmas decorations. My parents can't physically do it and I'm terrified of heights. They had a long conversation about it, she told him that it's really important and he told her he would help this weekend.

    He came down for Thanksgiving and she asked him about his plans for the weekend. He said that he was working and didn't say a word about the lights. After he got home, we talked and I mentioned that, since he was working, I was going to try to get them done after work on Friday. He told me that he totally forgot and said that maybe he can do it next weekend. He has my mom's number and they're also Facebook friends. I said to let her know and I also mentioned it to her on Friday.

    She's really upset and told me so Saturday morning when I went over to finish up. They've been really good to him and they felt blown off because he never said a word to them about it. I told him that they were disappointed and he came up with excuse after excuse (he forgot, he's stressed over work, he lives really far away, we're expecting him to be perfect, we're making a big deal out of nothing, etc.) without offering up much of an apology or a sincere acknowledgement of fault. He also said "I say things. Doesn't mean a promise." I hit the roof pretty hard, admittedly and, as I had to work, I stopped the discussion.

    I didn't text him Sunday as I had a lot going on and didn't have time to deal with the drama. He sent me a pithy text at 5, complaining about it and giving me a bunch of shit. Then he wanted to go on like nothing had happened. No. We got into it again with him calling me crazy, that I'm being controlling for not understanding that he's forgetful and getting mad at him. He also texted my mom, saying that he was sorry, he told me that he could do everything next weekend and please dont be mad at him. Eventually, he ripped into me about my job, and this came off of a " we're totally breaking up comment.

    Him:Well find someone else

    Me: If youd rather I do that than look beyond your own needs... That's your choice.

    Him: I don't give a fuck anymore...I always think where you work. Dancing on guys and them looking at you half naked. This really hard for me. And you have no intentions on stopping soon.

    Him:Your smart

    Him:Sure you find one at work

    Me: Did I or did I not tell you what I did for a living before we ever met? And let you choose whether you could deal with it?Throwing my job in my face is low. Especially when I never EVER lied to you about it.

    Him: Well I can't anymore. ...you said you would look for other stuff. I would help with money if have too. But don't want you in that inviorment anymore. I want to pull you away from that place. But seems like you like it. Sometimes when we are in bed...I think on what guy you were dancing on or whatever. Doesn't make me feel good at all.

    My position is that this is evidence that his streak of irresponsibility has not ended. He's has 3 felony DUI's and continues to drink, this is not the first time he's broken a promise to me and he regularly fails to consider the consequences of his actions or own up to the ramifications of the choices he makes. He drinks excessively to the point that he passes out or acts obnoxious in public. I had to ban alcohol at my house to get him to stop chugging a 5th everytime he came over.

    I also think that this is a good sign that he's incredibly inconsiderate and self centered. He knew that he forgot his agreement with my parents three days before he even bothered to say anything about it and his complaints about my job were soley how he feels about it, rather than any negative effects it may have on me. He knew, he said it was ok and... now he expects me to quit because he changed his mind.

    I'm a pretty regimented, controlled person and I know I can be hard on people because I'm incredibly hard on myself. I'm really just wondering if I overreacted. Everybody swears that I didn't but... I still wonder if my standards are just too high.
    Last edited by kirakonstantin; 12-01-2014 at 05:05 PM.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Kira, if you were looking for responses from the ladies and find my post intrusive, please let me know and I will delete.

    In the meantime...

    I don't think you're overreacting in the slightest. He behaved badly in several respects and made it pretty clear that he could barely give a shit. But even beyond his bad behavior, I suspect that compatibility is also a real issue here. Idk, but I don't think that someone who lives a regimented, controlled lifestyle is ever going to be happy with a guy who is barely in control and cannot keep his commitments. Even if he had an epiphany today and did/said all the right things, IMHO it wouldn't be long before you were dealing with the same crap all over again.

    And what standards are you talking about? Not wanting a guy who is shitfaced all the time? Hoping that a man who promises to help your elderly parents will actually keep his word? Expecting him to treat you decently regardless of what you do for a living? Idk Kira, but I don't think that those basic standards are actually setting the bar all that high.

    In any event, good luck as you deal with this.
    Last edited by rickdugan; 12-01-2014 at 05:30 PM.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    I don't think you're being unreasonable because I don't think you're breaking up with him because he didn't hang the Christmas lights. If that was the whole reason I would say you need to check yourself, but it doesn't sound like it is to me.

    I think a lot of the time the things that cause an argument that leads to a break up are small, and it's just because they're bringing out a larger issue that the couple is dealing with-- in this case you feeling like he's irresponsible, not someone you can depend on, and selfish. Those are definitely not the qualities that you want your future husband to have.

    And yes, his comments about your job are ridiculous-- this may have been something that was bothering him all along and he's just exploded about it, but it sounds like more of a way to take the blame off of him and place it on you. I get what he's saying, my bf brought up the lying in bed thing to me when I was escorting while we were together, but the way he's going about it, in a totally slut-shaming way, is also really not a quality you want to have in a future husband. If this is an issue for him he should sit you down and have an adult conversation about it, not send you rude and hurtful text messages.

    I don't know enough about your relationship to say for sure, but it sounds like you are better off- even if you do get back together, I would really think about these issues, hard, before deciding to take the big step into marriage. I know it's hard to lose someone you felt that close to and were planning to make that commitment with, but I really think you can do better. Like Rick said, your expectations are just to be treated with respect and to know that if someone makes a promise they'll keep it, and that's not setting the bar impossibly high.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    nope, and from the sounds of it you've actually been quite lenient considering the drinking problem he seems to have even after 3 felony DUIs.
    and i actually think even if you did dump him over not hanging up your parents christmas lights, that wouldn't have been out of bounds..he made a promise to family, and not only broke that promise but couldn't even bring himself to apologize, admit he was wrong, OR actually get around to doing it. he just blew them off and made some lame excuse that he didn't "promise" them? so his word to them doesn't count ?. that's not a great characteristic in a life mate.
    then finally him blowing up at your about your job was a real cheap shot. so no, i don't think you were out of line AT ALL

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    I was actually hoping to hear from you, Rick and Audrey. I had a feeling youd be brutally honest if I was being ridiculous.

    When I say that I'm a very controlled person I mean that I dont drink or use any kind of intoxicants. The worst I'll do is take a prescribed pain pill and there has always been a system in place to prevent overuse. I'm extremely careful and almost every decision I make is well considered and researched. While I did get a kitten impulsively, I've had cats all my life and I knew I could handle it. I'm also very emotionally restrained. I rarely ever yell or get angry. My last 3 relationships ended with me being told that I have a stick up my ass and amtoo bitchy about recreational substance use (well... overuse, IMO) and I was starting to wonder if it's me. You know the saying "If everyone's telling you it's a problem, they just might be right."

    We have talked about dancing before and he did voice concerns, but we agreed that when certain financial obligations were dealt with and we lived together, I would quit. I did get another job in October but the 40+ hours for $9 an hour would make it impossible for me to meet my financial obligations without help. I turned it down at his suggestion. I did mainly take issue with the slut shaming aspect and the fact that it was brought up only to get a dig in at me where he thought I would be vulnerable. Dirty tactics, as it were.

    The breakup is inevitable, even if we do get back together temporarily, so I see no need to continue wasting my time. I just don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    He can't be bothered to spell correctly, even with spellcheck everywhere you turn. Drop him!

    Seriously though, he isn't a man of his word, so you can never count on him. Drop him!

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Thanks for the input, Simone. The drinking thing really freaked me out. He has an interlock on his truck, so when he'd drink, I would have to drive. We talked about it and I was really concerned because the interlock is coming off in 3 weeks and he has a real "meh, it's totally fine" mentality when he's been drinking. That plus unrestricted driving = DUI #4. He's already served 4 years. Not sure what the state minimum is for #4.

    It's this notion that "I'm going to do whatever I want and, as long as I have an excuse, you can't get mad at me" notion. If he had taken responsibility for what had happened, this would have been a non issue but, looking back, that doesn't seem to be something he's good at.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Initially I was thinking "Wow, it's stupid to break up with someone over lights".


    Then I read about the drinking problem. Get rid of him.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Yeah if this is an ongoing thing then you will do better once you drop him.

    It sounds like he either forgot about the lights or didn't really want to do it but instead of say no or let's hire someone to do it he just blew your parents off. His communication / responsibility skills in this situation get a thumbs down.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Quote Originally Posted by kirakonstantin View Post
    He's has 3 felony DUI's and continues to drink,
    This alone is reason enough to leave him.


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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Quote Originally Posted by kirakonstantin View Post

    He has 3 felony DUI's and continues to drink, this is not the first time he's broken a promise to me and he regularly fails to consider the consequences of his actions or own up to the ramifications of the choices he makes. He drinks excessively to the point that he passes out or acts obnoxious in public. I had to ban alcohol at my house to get him to stop chugging a 5th everytime he came over.
    That was all you need to say. Leave him.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    3 Felony DUI You men he didn't care that he could KILL other people? This is a person with demons that needs therapy NOT a girlfriend or wife.


    I can't imagine his car insurance bill.

    It is simple, he isn't well enough to be in a relationship. No matter what you did for him or your family, he isn't well.

    People who drink that hard & that much don't live long. Do you want to be his nurse when the kidneys & liver goes? Do you want to change his diapers?
    Do you want to be his 24/7 driver? What if he gets in an accident & ends up in a wheelchair?

    Who wants to live their life being the alcohol police? It isn't your job to control his drinking, it is his. He made you his savior & bad guy. "oh, baby, don't let me drink... How dare you tell me what to do."

    He only made you feel bad about being a stripper so you couldn't judge him. He flipped the script on you. Made you feel bad & guilty so he can do what he wants.

    Sam

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    If he has three DUI's and you can't keep alcohol at your place because he'll "chug the fifth", then he definitely has a drinking problem, and may be an alcoholic. Drinking a whole fifth of liquor is way beyond social drinking. This won't get better because he doesn't see a problem, and sounds headed for DUI #4. I think you are right to end this.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    What Sam said. 100%.

    This is pretty much what happened with my ex almost-fiancé (I stalled whenever he asked about my ring preferences... thank god). Five years later I'm thankful on a near daily basis that I dodged that bullet.

    He is NOT gonna stop drinking because his wife begs him to, and he will NOT let up about your job ever, even if you quit forever. Anytime he needs to keep your self worth down in order to get away with being an alcoholic asshole he'll berate you for ever being a stripper. And I'd be shocked if he doesn't need to keep you down for the rest of his (probably short) life.

    This sounds harsh, but the only way he'll change is through self-motivation, and for someone with such a severe drinking problem it usually comes in the form of religious fanaticism, which he'll likely demand you participate in as well. Can you handle that? That's probably the best case scenario, and even then I'd give it a 2% chance.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    The DUI's were 7+ years ago, which is why I gave it a chance and worked with him. We were making progress but... I just couldn't deal with the blatant irresponsibility and lack of accountability, especially not when it affects the people who spent a ridiculous amount of time, money and effort to adopt me and give me a good life. I've screwed up before. Who hasn't? But, when I do, I own up to it and do what I can to make it right. The bullshit about my job was the final straw. He was probably drunk and thought it gives him some moral high ground. But... just confirms that his words are worthless.

    It's just hard for me to get an objective view on this. My parents are going to support me 1000% and my friends will automatically give me the benefit of the doubt. You can only be told you're crazy so many times before you start to wonder if it's true.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    He is NOT gonna stop drinking because his wife begs him to, and he will NOT let up about your job ever, even if you quit forever. Anytime he needs to keep your self worth down in order to get away with being an alcoholic asshole he'll berate you for ever being a stripper. And I'd be shocked if he doesn't need to keep you down for the rest of his (probably short) life.

    This sounds harsh, but the only way he'll change is through self-motivation, and for someone with such a severe drinking problem it usually comes in the form of religious fanaticism, which he'll likely demand you participate in as well. Can you handle that? That's probably the best case scenario, and even then I'd give it a 2% chance.
    ^^THIS. All of this. Been there, done that. Stay strong, you did the right thing!

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    OMG ya you're def better off without him IMO. I just broke up with this guy I was dating for 4 & a half months who was an irresponsible alcoholic still living at home. His mommy (mostly) was the enabler & provided him money almost every night to go drinking at the bars downtown. I'd never really been with an alcoholic before so I didn't know what to look for exactly but pretty soon it all fell into place. He hit me a couple of times & turned into a complete monster when drunk, his parents called the cops on him for keeping me imprisioned in his room one night & not letting me leave. He also used to throw my job up in my face as a low blow to make him feel better about himself when he'd get mad at me. These guys with drinking problems are such dead end people that you can't have them around sucking your life & energy right out from under you.

    I do not think that you overreacted at all actually, he prob never intended to hang them in the first dam place! Good for you for stepping up & ditching him. You'll look back & thank yourself later on down the road. Stay strong!
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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Quote Originally Posted by kirakonstantin View Post
    My last 3 relationships ended with me being told that I have a stick up my ass and am too bitchy about recreational substance use (well... overuse, IMO) and I was starting to wonder if it's me. You know the saying "If everyone's telling you it's a problem, they just might be right."
    Quote Originally Posted by kirakonstantin View Post
    You can only be told you're crazy so many times before you start to wonder if it's true.
    Kira, you're hearing this stuff from substance abusers and other self-deluded types. They need to believe these things in order to continue on the way that they do, so of course they are going to tell you that it is you who has the problem.

    IMHO the problem is not that you are crazy, but rather that you date guys who have these issues to begin with. I know that you view me as "brutally honest", but please understand that this comment comes from a good place. In another thread back in the spring, you basically indicated that these types of guys were your only real option since a good guy would not be interested in you because of your job. Well, I disagree, for all of the reasons I outlined below.

    Instead of focusing on the one potential complication, let's inventory all of the positives that you have to offer. You are obviously quite bright (as evidenced by your posts), you are attractive enough to make a living as a stripper, which is no small feat, and, from everything else you have posted, it is clear to me that you have a big heart. That is a potent package. I obviously don't know you, but you seem like the real deal from everything I can gather.

    IMHO you shouldn't be so ready to sell yourself so short. It is perfectly acceptable to apply minimum standards and to sidestep guys who show signs of having substance abuse and/or problems. I understand that you do not want to be overly judgmental, but with experience as your teacher, you now have a better handle on what doesn't work for you in a partner. It does not make you a bad person if you avoid men who have a high likelihood of becoming a source of misery.

    In any event, good luck as you continue to work through all of this.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    This sounds harsh, but the only way he'll change is through self-motivation, and for someone with such a severe drinking problem it usually comes in the form of religious fanaticism, which he'll likely demand you participate in as well. Can you handle that? That's probably the best case scenario, and even then I'd give it a 2% chance.
    While I agree that no one is going to stop drinking or using drugs unless it's a choice coming from within themselves, I don't feel like your latter statement is fair. I have personally overcome a serious drug problem and know any recovered addicts/alcoholics, most of which are not religious fanatics, and none of us have ever forced our ideology on anyone else.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    I'll boil my response down to one word .... NEXT !!!

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Quote Originally Posted by audrey_k View Post
    While I agree that no one is going to stop drinking or using drugs unless it's a choice coming from within themselves, I don't feel like your latter statement is fair. I have personally overcome a serious drug problem and know any recovered addicts/alcoholics, most of which are not religious fanatics, and none of us have ever forced our ideology on anyone else.
    Sorry audrey, I should have been way more specific or not said it at all! That statement was in regards to my experiences with the totally reckless, drink a fifth or more a day, long term type alcoholics in my life (now that I think about it, always men). Not even less severe alcoholics or other substance abusers IME (hell, I've had problems myself). It could very much just be the people I know and have heard about, but it just seems like there's something about that level of alcoholism specifically that lends itself to some other extreme in long term recovery, whether it's becoming addicted to religion, AA, or some other overarching structure in their lives. Not that those things aren't okay for some people, but for example my mother went from being married to an alcoholic to being married to AA in her own words. And while I've known plenty of severe alcoholics who recovered for a year or two without replacing booze with an entirely new belief structure, they tend to relapse, hence my "best case scenario" read of the situation.

    Of course I could just know weird alcoholics.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    I've bern doing a lot of thinking and... I don't think things were going as well as he led me to believe. He swore that he hadn't been drinking at all the week prior to T- Day. Yet, he reeked of cologne so badly that I could smell it 5 feet away outdoors. He knows I can smell beer on him for a day or so after he drinks and moreso when he mixes it with hard liquor. He was drinking and he lied to me about it. Similar behavior led to the crackdown. He'd go to the fridge to get a beer and take a chug off the bottle he had in the freezer. When I asked him abput it, he swore it was just beer. If we were out, he'd wait until I went to the restroom to order another 32 oz beer, so I couldn't say anything.

    He's an alcoholic. And very much in denial about it.

    At this point, I have 3 ferrets and 3 cats, one being a tiny kitten. I have my parents. I'm going to have a full schedule with work, calendar signing events and I'm teaching a weekly stage dancing class at my club starting tomorrow morning (I suck at it, but I seem to be good at teaching it.) I'm not sure that I really need much else in my life right now.

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    Quote Originally Posted by Vackra View Post
    Initially I was thinking "Wow, it's stupid to break up with someone over lights".


    Then I read about the drinking problem. Get rid of him.
    Yep. I physically recoiled from my computer when I got to that bit. RUN!!!

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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    I don't know you but we should hang out.

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    What Sam said. 100%.

    This is pretty much what happened with my ex almost-fiancé (I stalled whenever he asked about my ring preferences... thank god). Five years later I'm thankful on a near daily basis that I dodged that bullet.

    He is NOT gonna stop drinking because his wife begs him to, and he will NOT let up about your job ever, even if you quit forever. Anytime he needs to keep your self worth down in order to get away with being an alcoholic asshole he'll berate you for ever being a stripper. And I'd be shocked if he doesn't need to keep you down for the rest of his (probably short) life.

    This sounds harsh, but the only way he'll change is through self-motivation, and for someone with such a severe drinking problem it usually comes in the form of religious fanaticism, which he'll likely demand you participate in as well. Can you handle that? That's probably the best case scenario, and even then I'd give it a 2% chance.
    "Women have been leading men on to get rich quick since the beginning of time. The system is older than dirt. Don't be a player hater." - me

  44. #25
    God/dess lestat1's Avatar
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    Default Re: Dumped my fiancee... need an impartial view

    I pretty much agree with everyone else but I also feel bad about it. I, too, thought "WTF...a breakup over hanging up lights?" Then I kept reading. Yikes. Yeah it's not about the lights. There's a drinking problem there. And that's where I feel guilty because I'm acting with a double standard. I have an aunt who is an alcoholic. The whole family has been supportive about helping her, and at no point did any of us say "Poor uncle ____" or suggest that her husband leave her. So part of me thinks "next!" and part of me thinks people should take wedding vows seriously and if "for better or for worse" isn't a vow you're prepared to live up to now, then you shouldn't proceed with getting married. In either case though, it looks like breaking up is the right thing to do for both of you.
    Quote Originally Posted by _Avery_ View Post
    omg, why is it so huge?!! lol lol

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