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Thread: how to love

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    Default how to love

    I dated a narssistic man it has been 4.5 years since we have been together. He was also abusive. We share a child together he doesn't see his son every once in awhile he will send me emails. I have blocked him from other sources of communication as he likes to mix endearment with verbal abuse. He is a very twisted man but he saved me from a nasty relationship and I still have some soft spot for him almost as if when he emails me I feel bad and sad and it feela like he cares. I am currently with another man for 3 years I live with him and he is the one raising my child with me...he isn't good with words or showing his feelings the way my ex is and I have a way of always comparing the two..to my current bf I don't ever respond to my ex. I know this hurts my bf...idk why I do it..I have some sick idea of what love is supposed to be and because my current doesn't charm I feel as if he doesn't care...how do I change my perception and move on from my false ideas of what love really is.

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    Veteran Member ~*SwanPrincess*~'s Avatar
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    Default Re: how to love

    If his is truly narcissistic and abusive, you should look into what other characteristics go along with that. I'm sure part of his random "nice" times are part of the abuse cycle. AKA he brings you wayyy up, being randomly sweet and nice and then turns on you. And then he will "feel bad" about getting nasty with you and will be nice and sweet again. And so it goes....
    THAT is NOT love. It's a controlling mind fuck meant to feed his ego. Please don't fall for it. I was married to someone like this for almost a decade, and leaving that marriage was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't know you or your ex, so I don't want to pass too much judgement but in general people who have patterns like this are emotionally messed up themselves and can be very twisted people.
    Your current bf sounds good, from what you've described. You should focus your energy on him and your child VS your toxic ex. Narcissists can be very persuasive and charming, but going along with their patterns can only end in a draining emotional roller coaster.

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    Default Re: how to love

    The grass on the other side of the fence always looks greener.

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    Default Re: how to love

    So what's best for your child, the guy who doesn't even want to see his own kid or the one who is actually acting like a father?

    Life doesn't always give us everything that we want and sometimes kids come around before we have found our own feelings of fulfillment. IMHO what separates good parents from bad ones is the ability of the parents to put their children's needs ahead of their own. Children need support and stability in order to grow up well adjusted, which sounds easy but often involves an awful lot of personal sacrifices.

    Also, Swan was 100% right IMHO. Guys like that are flashes in the pan. They are great fun for a little while, but things always turn to shit as you get to know them better. You were already with him once. What makes you believe that anything would be different the second time around?

    In terms of your BF's feelings, if he didn't care, it wouldn't hurt him that you are exchanging emails with the ex. Perhaps you should talk to him and ask him to be more expressive? Idk. Actions speak louder than words and this guy has stepped up in every way that should really matter, so perhaps you could work with him to address whatever might be missing? Indeed, this guy sounds like the type of guy who you could marry and even give your child another sibling or two. There are many more joys in life than being momentarily swept off your feet by a charmer. My children are my greatest source of joy and I am proud to be a good father to them.

    In any event, good luck as you work through this.

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    Default Re: how to love

    Quote Originally Posted by ~*SwanPrincess*~ View Post
    If his is truly narcissistic and abusive, you should look into what other characteristics go along with that. I'm sure part of his random "nice" times are part of the abuse cycle. AKA he brings you wayyy up, being randomly sweet and nice and then turns on you. And then he will "feel bad" about getting nasty with you and will be nice and sweet again. And so it goes....
    THAT is NOT love. It's a controlling mind fuck meant to feed his ego. Please don't fall for it. I was married to someone like this for almost a decade, and leaving that marriage was the best thing that's ever happened to me. I don't know you or your ex, so I don't want to pass too much judgement but in general people who have patterns like this are emotionally messed up themselves and can be very twisted people.
    Your current bf sounds good, from what you've described. You should focus your energy on him and your child VS your toxic ex. Narcissists can be very persuasive and charming, but going along with their patterns can only end in a draining emotional roller coaster.
    THIS. Perfect.
    One of the things that helped me w/a narcissistic friend was those 'psychological' vids on you tube


    MANY MEN WANTED TO LAY ME DOWN, BUT FEW WANTED TO LIFT ME UP

    -Eartha Kitt

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    Veteran Member ~*SwanPrincess*~'s Avatar
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    Default Re: how to love

    I also wanted to add that sometimes people who don't "express their feelings" very well are the ones who actually love more deeply than anyone. And on the flip side, guys who use flowery expressions and love cliches are sometimes full of shit.
    Last edited by ~*SwanPrincess*~; 12-31-2014 at 09:15 PM.

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    Default Re: how to love

    Quote Originally Posted by ~*SwanPrincess*~ View Post
    I also wanted to add that sometimes people who don't "express their feelings" very well are the ones who actually love more deeply than anyone. And on the flip side, guys who use flowery expressions and love cliches are full of shit.
    Oh God this is so true. I don't need to share anything I have to say.

    I have noticed some women (not like the OP) make a long-term game out of playing Narcissistic-Type guys. My true life example- a co-worker of mine conned an ex-boyfriend of mine into knocking her up and marrying her- she was at an age where she realized she couldn't do better than him BUT he did have ample financial stability, plus he was homely & had a horrible personality... She won the "lottery" so to speak by putting him in a position to get trapped by her. I know all this because a mutual friend of ours had a great laugh over how my ex did not see that coming at all. lol But he was out of options to find a babymama so she ponied her ass up at the right time. He had to grudgingly accept....

    TL; DR Birds of a feather flock together, to make more little birds of a feather...who will flock together.

    To answer the OP's question- surround yourself with normal people who do normal things that require integrity and decency (like volunteer activities or raising a family.) Don't hang out with people who are scumbags. It's that simple, like cutting a cancerous mole off of your skin.
    Last edited by SnuffleUffleGrass; 12-31-2014 at 02:52 PM.

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    Default Re: how to love

    ^big romantic gestures are great, but they don't get the house cleaned, the bills paid, or the the children taken care of (sorry don't have kids so can't think of anything specific there). I've dated guys who do big romantic gestures and it's usually to make up for something, like the fact that they're an asshole 85% of the time or that they're inept when it comes to be a proper caretaker or at least a partner than can pull their half of the share. Personally I appreciate more than I don't have to worry about walking on eggshells (which it sounds like you did with your past ex) than I would having someone write me poems and love songs. I also feel like when my boyfriend does make romantic gesture they're more meaningful because he doesn't do them all the time, he got me flowers for cooking us a proper Thanksgiving dinner and somehow figured out my two favorite flowers (lilies and pink roses) which I have NO idea how he did that since I've never mentioned that to him. I really appreciated that and thought it was so sweet because it's not something he does every single day. I've dated guys who bought me flowers all the time and it kind of lost it's significance.

    I think you really need to think about what kind of relationship you want-- are you addicted to the drama, stomach flips and not knowing where you stand, huge arguments followed by passionate make up sex? If that's what you want that's fine, don't waste your current boyfriend's time-- but really think about whether that truly makes you happy and is a good example to set for your children, let alone a good environment for them to be in. It sounds like what you have with your current boyfriend is more stable and as someone who does get off on the drama I feel you as I sometimes just invent arguments with my bf because all this calmness makes me uncomfortable. But I also know that years later it's easy to look back on a relationship and conveniently put aside all the negatives and focus on just the positives.

    I think either way you need to make a decision, because if you are stringing your current bf along that's really not cool since he seems to be a really great, decent guy who deserves to be with someone who really wants to be with him. If you want to make the relationship work (which I put my vote towards) you need to cut out all contact with your past ex, as that's having one foot inside and the other out the door.
    Last edited by audrey_k; 12-31-2014 at 05:06 PM.

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    Default Re: how to love

    Quote Originally Posted by ~*SwanPrincess*~ View Post
    I also wanted to add that sometimes people who don't "express their feelings" very well are the ones who actually love more deeply than anyone. And on the flip side, guys who use flowery expressions and love cliches are full of shit.
    Yup. My husband has told me he loves me exactly 7 times in almost two years. But he shows me in a million ways every day. I'll take that over sappy meaningless shit any day.

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    Default Re: how to love

    Quote Originally Posted by ~*SwanPrincess*~ View Post
    I also wanted to add that sometimes people who don't "express their feelings" very well are the ones who actually love more deeply than anyone. And on the flip side, guys who use flowery expressions and love cliches are sometimes full of shit.
    I have a few exs that would agree... when I "LOVE" someone there is no end, time nor space can hinder it. Idont use the term love often, but when I do, it's understood I really mean it.

    OP I don't know if your bf is anything like me, but around that 5 yr mark is when the bond cements... I would have a long deep convo with him. Not aggressive, but firm & frank talk about what you & he want.
    Quote Originally Posted by Natalllia View Post
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    Default Re: how to love

    For myself, I had to understand narcissism before I understood why I was attracted to it. Never understood it until I read Sam Varkin. He is a narcissist and a psychologist that is the best at explianing how they tick. .... http://samvak.tripod.com/ He also has a great youtube series of videos

    The book that helped me change my life .... http://www.amazon.com/Women-Who-Love...+love+too+much
    worth its weight in gold.

    Some of us get a fucked up templment of what love is from our parents. We dont want to admit it is fucked up because well it is our parents. So we romantize it. They werent fucked up, ummm they just loved intensily. They werent fucked up they were doing it for my own good. They werent fucked up i deserved it. All that romantizing of the parents fucked upness warps our idea of love. We get programed that we have to earn love by jumping thru hoops, going thru pain, and enduring their hell. We think that is what love is. We arent allowed to have personal boundaries, so love doesnt have boundaries. The list goes on and on.

    The only way I started to overcome being attracted to assholes...... was to admit, to myself, that I grew up in an abusive family. I stopped romantizing them and the pain they caused. I grieved for the childhood I never had. I sat down and listed all the things they did to abuse me. Every last one. It sucked but I had to acknowledge it. I admited to myself they didnt love me. They couldnt love me. They didnt know how to love.

    I learned about what healthy love was. I can have personal boundaries, my own opinions, i am loveable because of who i am and not what i do for others. Love is not codepandance.
    Love is peace, understanding, and kindness.

    Then I had to believe love exists. This was the hardest part for me. I had never seen it. But once I believed it and knew what it was; I started to see it everywhere.
    I chose a good man for myself because I deserved nothing less.

    I still have those narcassistic ex's that come around. I still feel tempted. Every time I read this quote from Marrianne Williamson to remind me.....

    "Whether with a substance or with a person, an obsessive relationship is a dance of the wounded ... a carnival of pain... but not a love affair, because there is nothing of real love there.
    Pain, compulsion, and self-hate are not love."
    "Obsession, whether toward a substance or person, occurs when you are open to giving and yet dont know how to receive. You keep grasping for more because nothing feels like it is coming back. Perhaps because as a child nothing was coming back, so you kept grasping. Until you were convinced you didnt deserve it."
    These are from "Course in weight loss"

    I hope this helps....
    Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them. ~ Mark Twain


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