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Thread: I want my roommate to move out but....

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default I want my roommate to move out but....

    I feel a bit bad about wanting her to. And I'm not sure how to go about asking.

    She's my boyfriend's cousin and she moved in approximately two months ago with her almost 3 year old and she just had another baby over a month ago.

    When she moved in I had NO idea how out of control her son was, because I had met him a handful of times and noticed nothing unusual. Now that she's moved in however its become apparent there's a problem. Her child will hit my daughter, scream as loud as possible if you tell him no, take bites out of fruit on the table and put them back, he bites both my daughter and his mother! Its irritating and I know he's only 3 but my daughter never behaved in such a way when she was that age. Even now at 5 she listens 99.9% of the time and she's so confused as to why this kid is so bad, she shuts herself in my room because she doesn't want to deal with him. His mom absolutely can't or doesn't know how to control him and I feel its not my place to tell her how.

    Furthermore, I'm expecting a baby in July and there is no way I'm going to not have my daughter back in her own room before then. Even now it's cramped because there's three peoples things in one room and I need some space. It's frustrating we have to wait to have sex once a week when my daughter goes to her dad's.
    I've expressed my concerns to my boyfriend and I know he agrees the kid is out of control but every time I bring up giving her a notice to move he pretends he didn't hear it. Maybe he's afraid of his family getting mad since he's close with her dad and aunt.

    Whether my boyfriend wants to or not I AM eventually going to ask her to. I may just send her a facebook message saying "Hey sorry, you know we're expecting now and realistically we need the space." I feel bad because she's really nice and quiet and I don't know where she's going to go but this is my apartment and it doesn't feel like it anymore.
    Last edited by SavannahLynnn; 01-02-2015 at 11:44 AM.


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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    This isn't the cousin of the ex-fiancé, is it? If it is, that alone would be my reasons #1-5 for tossing her. You don't owe her a bloody thing.

    If it's the cousin of a new bf, well, you still don't owe her a bloody thing. She's not the only one on the receiving end of her crotch monster's bad behaviour. Where the hell is your concern for the needs of yourself & your own kid? Your home -- your family -- your rules. Fk a request over FB, the bitch is living w/ you. Tell her to her face & in no uncertain terms that they need to go.

    Your bf's refusal to back you up is also troubling. I get family bonds & whatnot, but unless he's the one that knocked her up (twice, & I'm not forgetting that they are related!), whatever support he wants to provide for her does not include giving her a place to stay. If she's so close w/ Daddy & Auntie, then let them put her & the monster kid up.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    LOL @ crotch monster. That really made my day.

    Thank you for clarifying that for me. Many times I have a hard time standing up for myself or putting myself first because I'm told I'm being rude or a bitch.. so I stay quiet until I completely blow up, and at that point I am incredibly rude. I don't want to be mean to her because she is extremely nice and she does try and correct her child I just think she's lacking in parenting skills (not very assertive) Kind of scary considering she has another one now.

    Yes it's the same ex. Long story short he moved out for a few months and felt a huge chunk of his life was missing. He did pay off all the bills. I agreed to let him come back with the stipulation that we both make some major changes and stick to them.


    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    Your bf's refusal to back you up is also troubling. I get family bonds & whatnot, but unless he's the one that knocked her up (twice, & I'm not forgetting that they are related!), whatever support he wants to provide for her does not include giving her a place to stay. If she's so close w/ Daddy & Auntie, then let them put her & the monster kid up.
    Sometimes I do get the impression that he's kind of attracted to her.. they are after all.. only cousins my marriage. Maybe he doesn't want to be the bad guy though. She was living with her dad before this - in the living room. Maybe he'll have her back? I feel really guilty because I know how it is when family won't help you in a time of need. Her new baby's dad is absolute scum. I've already had to tell him off and ban him from coming over because he'll come over and just yell at her and call her names for no reason in front of her kids.


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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Honestly although I have a child. It's rare that I like other people's kids because I've noticed a great majority of people don't know how to parent them and it makes them really unpleasant to be around. People fail to realize that children need more than toys and food.

    I was always told I was way too anal about how I raised my daughter (I followed a parenting book) and yes it was repetitive and tedious at times but it paid off.


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    Banned Aniela's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Kids need training just like pets & customers.

    Paying off all the bills is the LEAST that sumbitch could have done. What's he done to get help for himself to avoid a repeat of the previous clusterfk you posted abt? Between that, & this new problem w/ the cousin & her kids, it sounds to me like this whole damn family is trouble for you.

    Seriously -- turn off your emotions for a moment & answer this: Who is looking out for SavannahLynn & SavannaLynn's kids? :waiting:

    He's got sm serious problems from what you posted b4. That doesn't mean 'don't love him' but you need to be realistic abt this. How can you count on him to take care of you when his inability to take care of himself is such that he bailed on you as you described here?

    But that's that on that subj ^^^^ I refer you again to my bolded question. Forget standing up just for yourself for a moment -- you said the cousin's kid attacks your kid. I'm guessing you didn't mean that as an emphatic, you meant what it sounds like -- the cousin's kid attacks your kid. Is that not a good enough reason in your eyes to kick them the F out? Are you seriously more worried abt them thinking you're rude or a bitch than minding your own kid's safety?

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    God/dess Jay12's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    I'd play "Devil's Advocate" for a moment, and perhaps suggest that your roommate's son might have a behavior issue (like ADHD) or a neurological issue (autistic). Is this a possibility? Even so, there are ways (albeit different) to instill good behavior in them.





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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post

    He's got sm serious problems from what you posted b4. That doesn't mean 'don't love him' but you need to be realistic abt this. How can you count on him to take care of you when his inability to take care of himself is such that he bailed on you as you described here?

    [/I]
    Simple. I take care of myself now

    I just really hate confrontations. When do you think is the best time for me to bring it up to her? Just walk into her room and tell her, "Sorry you have to move."
    And then I know in my state you have to give someone 30 days whether or not they were on your lease, but is this fair? Like is it a sufficient amount of time? (there's me not thinking of myself again.)
    Seriously though I shouldn't have to barricade myself in my room because I want some quiet or don't want my daughter beat up. She was hysterical over the situation at first. I finally told her to pop that little fucker back if he was going to hit her. LOL she still didn't want to because she knows hitting is wrong.


    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    I'd play "Devil's Advocate" for a moment, and perhaps suggest that your roommate's son might have a behavior issue (like ADHD) or a neurological issue (autistic). Is this a possibility? Even so, there are ways (albeit different) to instill good behavior in them.
    Nope. Just a brat. My daughter has some attention problems and impulse control but she still behaves.
    For example, if she asks her son to "stop" or "come here" he'll say, "NO!" or ignore her. Instead of physically getting up and grabbing him she will continue to try and get him to listen or threaten him with, "I'm going to call your dad." and then of course never does when he responds to that. He listens to me when I tell him to stop but it's not my duty to babysit her child while she sits in her room and lets him tear up my apartment. Then she can never get him to go to bed until like 12am because she uses his bed as a time out spot in addition to a sleeping spot. It's like he doesn't take her seriously. I could probably correct his behavior in a month but again I'd feel out of line telling her what to do. Either way I need the other room back regardless.


    "We must try not to sink beneath out anguish, but battle on." - Albus Dumbledore


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    Senior Member salzsieder67's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Your number one concern needs to be the safety of your daughter and of the child you are expecting. You not only have the right but duty and obligation to be a rude bitch to anyone that compromises their safety. You seem to be concerned how others will perceive if you ask her to move out. How do you think others will perceive you if you allow your children to be harmed?

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Quote Originally Posted by SavannahLynnn View Post
    And then I know in my state you have to give someone 30 days whether or not they were on your lease, but is this fair? Like is it a sufficient amount of time? (there's me not thinking of myself again.)
    Seriously though I shouldn't have to barricade myself in my room because I want some quiet or don't want my daughter beat up. She was hysterical over the situation at first. I finally told her to pop that little fucker back if he was going to hit her. LOL she still didn't want to because she knows hitting is wrong.
    There may be exceptions to the 30 day rule if you feel your safety or the safety of your daughter is threatened by having her boy living there. Maybe you could contact social services to see if they could help find a place for your roommate and her son.

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    You're not wrong for making that decision. But I think telling her on facebook might be the wrong direction. Unless for some reason you rarely see her I'd tell her in person. It maybe harder but if you're polite about it and as nice as you can it might go a long way versus just saying it on FB and her creating her own tone in reading it.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Oh man, this is going to be super awkward.
    I'm ok with the 30 day thing. I don't dislike her and I do want to give her a sufficient amount of time to find a new place. There is a program through social services where they will pay for her deposit to move one time.


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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    If you feel it's going to be awkward, is there anyone you can practice with? Do you have a friend that can pretend to be your roommate, and practice telling your friend what you're going to tell her, until you're more comfortable doing it? Also, let her know about the program that can help her.

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Look..PLEASE don't post that you want her to go on stupid FB.You LIVE with this person.YOU shouldn't feel afraid to rightfully express how you're feeling.Be brave and address her like a grown person and tell her to her face that you need her to find another place to live because it's getting too crowded.Make sure you and your bf is present together as YOU are telling her this.With him there..it might make it seem that your bf is also on your side.He doesn't have to say anything. That's too many people in a place.Crazy.You know the real problem is that little boy BUT just say that it's getting too crowded now and she needs to go.

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    That sounds like a very frustrating environment to be living in. It's nice to help out family, but not when it impacts so much on your happiness, comfort and sanity (that child would drive me insane). He may just be badly behaved, spoilt or it may be due to a lack of parenting, but it sounds like he may get an ADHD diagnosis when he's older . Either way, if your husband is avoiding the talk and you can't take it any longer-I would just politely tell her she needs to find another place to stay when the baby comes. If he bites your 5 year old, he would be a risk to have around a new born.
    “Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” -Marilyn Monroe

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    I'm going to express my concerns to my boyfriend once again and ask how he feels about it, then I'm going to inform him that either way I will be asking her to leave in the next week.
    I hope it doesn't cause an argument with him. One of my problems in the past was that I tend to complain a lot and be a bit ungrateful at times so I don't want to seem like I'm doing that.. but seriously I'm not going to share one bedroom with him, a 5 year old, and a new baby. That's third world shit.

    Now I'm going to work up the courage to tell her. I honestly just might text her. It's less awkward for me and that way. I'm seriously anxiety cat over most things.


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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Quote Originally Posted by SavannahLynnn View Post
    I'm going to express my concerns to my boyfriend once again and ask how he feels about it, then I'm going to inform him that either way I will be asking her to leave in the next week.
    I hope it doesn't cause an argument with him. One of my problems in the past was that I tend to complain a lot and be a bit ungrateful at times so I don't want to seem like I'm doing that.. but seriously I'm not going to share one bedroom with him, a 5 year old, and a new baby. That's third world shit.

    Now I'm going to work up the courage to tell her. I honestly just might text her. It's less awkward for me and that way. I'm seriously anxiety cat over most things.

    Get your b/f in a place where he can't run, can't change the topic and only listen to you. This might actually be a good test on if you guys are able to work through problems together. I think even though this is tough it's easy compared to some of the things you may deal with that people go through in a marriage. So if you can't do this it might be a sign that you'll have problems in the future. Not saying that's the case but even though it's family to him you should be able to talk to him about it and he should be able to listen with 100% paying attention.

    Then maybe you both can be there to tell her together. She might be more willing to accept it if he's there with you. If it's just you she maybe thinking he's not in favor of it. But again, I think this is a good test to see if he's willing to support you on what I"d say is a minor issue compared to some things you may deal with in the long term (if you stay together/married etc.)

    And IMO, texting isn't any better than facebook. She'll still not see your tone and only assume you might be mad etc.

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    Veteran Member DreamsInDigital's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    I agree with others here in that yes, you need to ask her to move out ASAP, and it should be done face-to-face. Easier said than done, I know - trust me.

    The reality is that she'll probably be upset no matter how nicely you word it. It's just kind of unavoidable - wouldn't you feel the same, if you were in her situation? I think the best possible way to go about it is to word it in some way that makes it seem like you're doing this because you're looking out for HER needs. i.e. "You know, I've been thinking since we're about to add a new family member to the household..... that's going to change the dynamics a lot, and I know you must feel kind of stressed out already, expecting and having to care for your son, plus the fact that there are a lot of us living in this small space, I wanted to help you find your own place so that you could relax and get all settled in and comfortable there before your baby comes."

    Well, I'm sure I didn't word that exactly in the best possible way......but you get the point. Offer to help as much as you can. Like you mentioned, there is some program where she can get her deposit paid for? Maybe offer to take her apartment hunting (bonus - with both of you looking, she might find a place quicker = leave sooner, lol.) IMO, it's not the ideal situation no matter what, but if you can make it seem a little more like you're looking out for her interests and make the process as easy for her as possible, it should minimize any awkwardness & hard feelings.

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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    I brought it up to him last night and I really don't think he cares. I think he just doesn't want to be the one to do it. Which I guess he shouldn't considering I was the one that invited her to live here.

    For me, telling her face-to-face is just really uncomfortable. I also feel she might be able to sense the irritability in my voice. I am going to make it very clear that I'm not upset (although I am quite annoyed) and that I don't dislike her, I just feel it's getting too crowded and we're going to need the other room.


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    Veteran Member SavannahLynnn's Avatar
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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Quote Originally Posted by DreamsInDigital View Post
    I agree with others here in that yes, you need to ask her to move out ASAP, and it should be done face-to-face. Easier said than done, I know - trust me.

    The reality is that she'll probably be upset no matter how nicely you word it. It's just kind of unavoidable - wouldn't you feel the same, if you were in her situation? I think the best possible way to go about it is to word it in some way that makes it seem like you're doing this because you're looking out for HER needs. i.e. "You know, I've been thinking since we're about to add a new family member to the household..... that's going to change the dynamics a lot, and I know you must feel kind of stressed out already, expecting and having to care for your son, plus the fact that there are a lot of us living in this small space, I wanted to help you find your own place so that you could relax and get all settled in and comfortable there before your baby comes."

    Well, I'm sure I didn't word that exactly in the best possible way......but you get the point. Offer to help as much as you can. Like you mentioned, there is some program where she can get her deposit paid for? Maybe offer to take her apartment hunting (bonus - with both of you looking, she might find a place quicker = leave sooner, lol.) IMO, it's not the ideal situation no matter what, but if you can make it seem a little more like you're looking out for her interests and make the process as easy for her as possible, it should minimize any awkwardness & hard feelings.
    I think you worded it even better than I ever could have! Except she has already had the baby, which adds to my guilt of kicking her out.
    And you're right, she probably will be upset either way, as I probably would too. However she can't expect to live here forever. She's literally always here, she doesn't have a job or anything and it doesn't seem like she's trying to go anywhere. This is something I overheard her boyfriend or whatever telling her but he was kind of mean about it.
    I'm more than happy to help her look for new places or with whatever else she might need for the time being.


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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    I don't know whether this is feasible or not, but one other option would be for you, your boyfriend, and daughter to move to another place.

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    I don't know whether this is feasible or not, but one other option would be for you, your boyfriend, and daughter to move to another place.
    It's my apartment though. My boyfriend and I are on the lease. She isn't.
    Although he did mention wanting to get a bigger place. I'm not sure that will happen anytime in the next 5 months though.


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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    If moving into a bigger place is something that's possible, it can't hurt to find out what the penalty would be for breaking the lease.

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    You could mention that the landlord found out someone is living there off lease, but wants to give the oportunity for them to move on their own without evicting everyone.

    That would at least remove the stress of her thinking you made the decision.

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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Quote Originally Posted by eagle2 View Post
    If moving into a bigger place is something that's possible, it can't hurt to find out what the penalty would be for breaking the lease.
    Wouldn't need to break it. The lease was up a year ago


    Quote Originally Posted by Unkle Fuzzy View Post
    You could mention that the landlord found out someone is living there off lease, but wants to give the oportunity for them to move on their own without evicting everyone.

    That would at least remove the stress of her thinking you made the decision.
    This has crossed my mind as well. I wouldn't feel great about lying though. Perhaps I just need to suck it up and get it over with. I'm going to do it tomorrow evening.


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    Default Re: I want my roommate to move out but....

    Good Luck!

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