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Thread: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

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    Featured Member kaninchen's Avatar
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    Default A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    My boyfriend of a year and a half is awful. He can't control his temper. He's never violent, but sometimes stuff will set him off, and he'll yell and act like a rabid dog. It's very difficult to deal with because I would never treat him this way.

    Today and he and I had planned to go to a museum, do some shopping, and get a nice dinner together since it was our only shared day off for the next few weeks. A few minutes after we left, he began looking for a CD. He opened its case to find one of my rap CDs instead. Then he started with, "You know, my CDs are really important to me and I don't like it when they get messed up." That's totally logical, so I said okay and that I'd be more careful in the future. Even though I'm not sure that I'm the one who misplaced his CD...

    He went to put the case back next to some others, but the storage container was untidy with some receipts in it. He handed it to me and told me to fix it. Feeling really awkward and wary by now, I tried to re-organize them, but he just grabbed it out of my hand and said, "Don't bother if you can't fucking do it right!" He started pulling out trash and bits of paper and throwing them on me. Then he started yelling about how he didn't even want to go to the stupid museum anyway (it was his suggestion initially), and that he would just take me back home and he would do his own thing today. He yelled about a bunch of other stuff too, but tbh I stopped listening. I started crying and felt like a total loser.

    He dropped me off at my apartment and left. I was so mad that he would act that way over a fucking CD that I texted him I was done, I don't need to be treated that way, he's inappropriate, etc. I packed up ALL his stuff and put it on my front porch. He has since apologized profusely via text, saying he was wrong, he loves me wholeheartedly, etc. But I kind of don't give a fuck! I spent my day being productive and finally running some long-procrastinated errands.

    Obviously, he isn't like this all the time. Believe me, the rest of the time he is more loving, sweet, and tender than any other man I've been with. I promise he has redeeming qualities! But is this how relationships are? Do people just treat their partners like shit sometimes? Was I the one who was overreacting? I do love him, but I really struggle with his behavior.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    No. You weren't overreacting..throwing trash,etc. @ you, really? Very few ppl are jerks 100% of the time, & can be sweet, tender & loving..when it suits them..
    I can nvr stand yelling, it's abusive, sorry. I can see getting upset (not over what you described) but..it sounds like he has an anger issue, & if he can't control his temper, what's to stop him from some time getting worse (acting out physicially)?
    It sounds like he uses you as an emotional punching bag..don't stand for it. Abuse. that's what it is.
    Plenty of decent men in the world, you don't need that shit.


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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    He sounds emotionally and verbally abusive.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Good for you, now don't take him back.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    "Do people just treat their partners like shit sometimes? Was I the one who was overreacting?" No, and no. I'm sure he has plenty of redeeming qualities, but just because it isn't physical doesn't mean it's not abusive behavior. I'll reiterate what Whirlerz said, he's using you as a punching bag and it seems like you're in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship which are just as damaging as being hit. No person who loves you, regardless of the situation, will treat you like shit for whatever reason or make you feel like a loser. HE is the loser in this situation, and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    (Edit/disclaimer -- I wrote this under the assumption there was a chance you'd take him back, but when I re-read your post I realized there was less evidence than I thought. So disregard the following if you're totally done with him!)

    It seems like guys like this either share a manual or were born with a chip implanted in their brains. This sounds just like my ex and a million other exes I've heard about.

    How long have you been together? I ask because this behavior can escalate as they figure out ways around your boundaries. And just boxing up his stuff and chewing him out isn't setting a boundary to them like it would be to most people. As long as you take him back he'll know he can get away with whatever level of abuse he's dished out as long as he acts sweet and loving enough to pull you back in. And if he wants to, he'll have the option of gradually testing out worse forms.

    The scary thing is that you'll never know just how bad they can get. It could stay at this relatively minor level (although 'minor' abuse can still damage a person very much), or he could wind up seeing whether he can get away with violence. No abuser ever starts out beating their SO after all. They slowly test and groom you. And if you're a strong, vibrant person, 'breaking' you will be a rewarding challenge for the worst abusers out there.

    This isn't to say it'll get there. You could just spend the rest of your life with a man who throws petty tantrums, and sometimes people can grow out of this behavior. But the problem is that you really never know. It's up to you whether you want to take that chance or GTFO before things can get uglier.

    Also consider your life goals. Do you want children? If so, would you trust him to be a great father? Another question is whether you've ACTUALLY fucked up in the relationship -- not just by his standards but by reasonable ones. If the worst you've done is disrespect his CD collection, imagine how he could react if you ever made a real mistake.

    It took me a year to break up with my ex who acted like this in the beginning even though I knew I should before that. Wish I hadn't waited until he raped me! Again, I'm not saying your guy will get there, but these are some serious red flags.

    Good luck and be well.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    (

    It seems like guys like this either share a manual or were born with a chip implanted in their brains. This sounds just like my ex and a million other exes I've heard about.
    this behavior can escalate as they figure out ways around your boundaries. As long as you take him back he'll know he can get away with whatever level of abuse he's dished out as long as he acts sweet and loving enough to pull you back in. And if he wants to, he'll have the option of gradually testing out worse forms.

    The scary thing is that you'll never know just how bad they can get. It could stay at this relatively minor level (although 'minor' abuse can still damage a person very much), or he could wind up seeing whether he can get away with violence. No abuser ever starts out beating their SO after all. They slowly test and groom you. And if you're a strong, vibrant person, 'breaking' you will be a rewarding challenge for the worst abusers out there.

    This isn't to say it'll get there. You could just spend the rest of your life with a man who throws petty tantrums, and sometimes people can grow out of this behavior. But the problem is that you really never know. It's up to you whether you want to take that chance or GTFO before things can get uglier.

    Another question is whether you've ACTUALLY fucked up in the relationship -- not just by his standards but by reasonable ones. If the worst you've done is disrespect his CD collection, imagine how he could react if you ever made a real mistake.

    these are some serious red flags.

    Good luck and be well.
    THIS^^^. Big Time.


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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    But is this how relationships are? Do people just treat their partners like shit sometimes?
    No, that's not how relationships are.
    No, you don't just treat your partner like shit.

    Sometimes you get mad with each other or at other things, but you go be mad alone. You don't stand there and be a fucking asshole or verbally or physically or emotionally abuse your partner.
    I don't expect everyone to be capable of taking a step back when they're mad to be able to remain calm and collected... sometimes voices get raised. But your partner isn't your punching bag, and you don't just get to take things out on them. If someone thinks that's what their partner is for, or that taking abuse is part of a relationship, they're doing it wrong.
    Quote Originally Posted by camille27 View Post
    i am losing my fucking mind and i really just want this chloroform dream because i think that would just get me right with jesus.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    (Edit/disclaimer -- I wrote this under the assumption there was a chance you'd take him back, but when I re-read your post I realized there was less evidence than I thought. So disregard the following if you're totally done with him!)

    It seems like guys like this either share a manual or were born with a chip implanted in their brains. This sounds just like my ex and a million other exes I've heard about.

    How long have you been together? I ask because this behavior can escalate as they figure out ways around your boundaries. And just boxing up his stuff and chewing him out isn't setting a boundary to them like it would be to most people. As long as you take him back he'll know he can get away with whatever level of abuse he's dished out as long as he acts sweet and loving enough to pull you back in. And if he wants to, he'll have the option of gradually testing out worse forms.

    The scary thing is that you'll never know just how bad they can get. It could stay at this relatively minor level (although 'minor' abuse can still damage a person very much), or he could wind up seeing whether he can get away with violence. No abuser ever starts out beating their SO after all. They slowly test and groom you. And if you're a strong, vibrant person, 'breaking' you will be a rewarding challenge for the worst abusers out there.

    This isn't to say it'll get there. You could just spend the rest of your life with a man who throws petty tantrums, and sometimes people can grow out of this behavior. But the problem is that you really never know. It's up to you whether you want to take that chance or GTFO before things can get uglier.

    Also consider your life goals. Do you want children? If so, would you trust him to be a great father? Another question is whether you've ACTUALLY fucked up in the relationship -- not just by his standards but by reasonable ones. If the worst you've done is disrespect his CD collection, imagine how he could react if you ever made a real mistake.

    It took me a year to break up with my ex who acted like this in the beginning even though I knew I should before that. Wish I hadn't waited until he raped me! Again, I'm not saying your guy will get there, but these are some serious red flags.

    Good luck and be well.
    This is truly a frightening reality about abusers and I'm really glad you brought it up. You just never know how far it can go, and it's best not to stick around to find out.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Is this the same alcoholic loser you posted about a couple of months ago that refused to put up xmas lights??? If so, do yourself a HUGE favor & leave his ass in the dust. I'm dealing with a guy I want to be done with soooo badly but until I get my car back this weekend I'm stuck living with him temporarily. I agree with everyone else that you could be in potential danger in regards to his moody emotional outbursts. I'm currently in a similar situation & mine has really frightened me in the last 2 weeks I've been here due to his mental state. I never knew a person could be so mentally ill until now. It doesn't matter if he hasn't gotten physical yet, believe me though it will come to that bc they ARE ticking time bombs.

    In the last week, I've been shoved against a wall bc I said I just wanted some space for a little while due to us living together & I HATE someone being right next to me ALL day long & codependent on me for their happiness. Then on top of that, when he drinks his whole bottle of vodka everynight, if I try & go to sleep before him or not really want to party with him, he gets angry & lashes out on me all night. Calling me awful names like whore, lazy, etc and right now it's a countdown for the week to end until i can go get my car & leave his stupid slobby ass in the dust.

    Take it from me girl, when mine isn't around (like you also stated above) you feel much better & actually get things accomplished that you couldn't due to them draining the fuck of out you. Get out & stay out! Throw his shit out on his own lawn or wherever he dwells & drive off. Don't let him know what you're doing bc he'll then wait & attack possibly. Hope this helps, Good Luck & stay strong!
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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by lol1337a View Post
    How long have you been together? I ask because this behavior can escalate as they figure out ways around your boundaries. And just boxing up his stuff and chewing him out isn't setting a boundary to them like it would be to most people. As long as you take him back he'll know he can get away with whatever level of abuse he's dished out as long as he acts sweet and loving enough to pull you back in. And if he wants to, he'll have the option of gradually testing out worse forms.

    The scary thing is that you'll never know just how bad they can get. It could stay at this relatively minor level (although 'minor' abuse can still damage a person very much), or he could wind up seeing whether he can get away with violence. No abuser ever starts out beating their SO after all. They slowly test and groom you. And if you're a strong, vibrant person, 'breaking' you will be a rewarding challenge for the worst abusers out there.

    Also consider your life goals. Do you want children? If so, would you trust him to be a great father? Another question is whether you've ACTUALLY fucked up in the relationship -- not just by his standards but by reasonable ones. If the worst you've done is disrespect his CD collection, imagine how he could react if you ever made a real mistake.
    This is a particularly baffling situation for me, because I'm not sure if it's legit abuse. I've been telling myself that sometimes people have tempers or issues and that it doesn't mean they're not loving or a good person ... but I just feel so lost right now. I know SOMETHING is wrong.

    We've been together for a year and a half, and he's actually gotten better at managing his temper in that time. Oh, god, I'm embarrassed to say that he used to be angrier over littler things more often, but it's true; he's not as bad now. I don't know why I stuck around ... but I did. Also, I was once in a relationship that was textbook abusive. I guess it was easier to GTFO from that because it was physical. But in comparing the two relationships, they have very little in common.

    You have brought up really incisive points. I need to figure out how to proceed. I've actually never been single before and I'm pretty scared!

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    I'm glad to hear he's gotten better, but I don't think that means he can't get worse.

    Regardless, he acted shitty enough that it wouldn't sound unreasonable to break up. Someone's behavior doesn't need to be universally recognizable as abusive for it to be a valid reason to break up. Beyond that, you don't ever need a valid reason to break up with someone. You have the right to end anything at anytime. I know it's obvious but sometimes going over obvious stuff can be helpful.

    Another thing to consider is that since you dated a physically abusive man in the past, emotional abuse or even someone just being an asshole might not register as significantly to you as it would to another person. I know that after I broke up with my abusive ex and started dating a petty jerk I was really confused about how to categorize his behavior and whether my feelings were valid. It's pretty normal.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    I really can't picture, in any circumstance, my husband a) speaking to me like that or b) freaking out over such a small, inconsequential thing. I wouldn't take him back. Guys like that never change.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by xxxGothBarbie View Post
    Is this the same alcoholic loser you posted about a couple of months ago that refused to put up xmas lights???
    I think that was another user with a similar looking user name.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    ^^Yeah, Kirakonstantin (sp?) posted about the other guy. I totally thought they were the same person for a long time though.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    ^ Haha, I never realized how similar kirakonstantin and kaninchen look! They are very alike. Kaninchen is Germam for rabbit. I have no idea what I was thinking when I made this account.

    Anyway... I've had a few cooling off periods from him before, where I've asked him to not be around for a few days (normally he sleeps at my place every might). Previously, I've freaked out with loneliness and missed him hardcore, but now I'm kind of like, cool about it. I feel unsettled, but I'm not upset. Hm!

    I also told him this afternoon that his things were waiting for him on the porch. When I came home earlier, I saw that he never picked them up. I mentioned it again via text just a bit ago, aaaaand guess what his response was? After texting me all evening that he was so sorry, he loves me SO much, he'll do anything go work it out, he said "You're just as childish as I am you never admit when you're wrong and you leaving my things out to get stolen just proves that this is mutual."

    ?!? I told him his stuff was outside this afternoon, he said he would come get it, he didn't, and now I'm childish? OMG my brain hurts trying to understand this.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    GothBarbie -- how soon is this weekend?! Like, tomorrow afternoon? Hopefully not until Sunday. Girl I hope you get away from him ASAP! Stay safe.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    GothBarbie -- how soon is this weekend?! Like, tomorrow afternoon? Hopefully not until Sunday. Girl I hope you get away from him ASAP! Stay safe.
    Thanks! Yea hopefully by Sat at the latest I can get a bus ride up there & gtfo of this shithole
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    Duh Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    ^
    I also told him this afternoon that his things were waiting for him on the porch. When I came home earlier, I saw that he never picked them up. I mentioned it again via text just a bit ago, aaaaand guess what his response was? After texting me all evening that he was so sorry, he loves me SO much, he'll do anything go work it out, he said "You're just as childish as I am you never admit when you're wrong and you leaving my things out to get stolen just proves that this is mutual."

    ?!? I told him his stuff was outside this afternoon, he said he would come get it, he didn't, and now I'm childish? OMG my brain hurts trying to understand this.


    It's called 'flipping the script', turning bk what you you said against him to confuse the issue & make you feel bad for saying/thinking it, which it sounds like it's working.
    He didn't come get his stuff, cause he wants to stay, but not change his behavior. He's dragging it out & avoiding the issue.


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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    This is how my husband USED to be. Any little thing would set him off and he'd go ranting about dumb shit like laundry. I'm quick to anger if I feel like I'm being attacked, so I'd charge back and the smallest things would turn into knock down drag out fights. It's agonizing. I put up with it, and I eventually put my foot down, urging him to seek help or I was done. I decided to work through it ONLY because we were talking about a 10 year relationship at the time, and to me his good qualities outweighed the bad.

    He saw a psychiatrist, did anger management, we did counseling together, and he's on a mood stabilizer. Eight years later things still set him off occasionally, but where as before he would rant, rave, verbally attack me, he now recognizes when he's about to step over the line, and removes himself from the situation, or let's it go.

    I'm not telling you this to encourage you to remain in this relationship. It is physically and mentally exhausting. Even deciding to force them to get help and sticking through that is exhausting, and in some instances not worth it. He'll likely tell you he will change, he's sorry, it'll never happen again, or he can't control it. They all say that and it's mostly bullshit. If he makes a step towards counseling or anger management ect on his own, then I'd think he was possibly sincere, but still wouldn't take him back until he'd completed those steps. It can't be because he doesn't want to lose you, it has to be because he himself sees a problem with his behavior, and wants to be a better, healthier man.

    My husband initially resented the fact that I was essentially forcing him to see a psychiatrist, but early on admitted that I was just a scapegoat, and he had been unhappy with the kind of man he was for quite some time. If you feel like he's on the edge of getting physical or is capable of it, trust your gut and stay away. There's not enough counseling or medication in my opinion, to fix a man that physically harms their partner. Good luck to you.

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    He sounds just like how my dad was when I was a kid, before my parents split up. I've always thought my dad had undiagnosed bipolar disorder and when he was still with my mom he was almost always angry. He might've always been angry because he wasn't happy with his life at the time and being married to my mom. This could be the case with your boyfriend. He's not happy and he takes it out on you. What your bf did in the car is something my dad would have definitely done. He didn't hit me but I would consider his "angry times" some form of verbal/mental abuse, and yours too. He would do little things like make me stand outside alone while everyone else was in the restaurant because I didn't hold the door open for someone. Or he made my sister get out of the car and walk home because she wasn't "talking enough". If I had any of my things on the dining table he would push them off and make me clean it up. Little things like that just make you constantly on your toes and never comfortable around them. To me your situation sounds just like how it was living with my dad when he was like that. The way he told you to "fix it" and you did without questioning him and "awkwardly". That's exactly what I would've done if my dad did that to me. Afraid to mess up because you don't know if he's going to freak out again. But see that was my dad, not my boyfriend. I didn't have the choice of being around him or not but you do. You should NEVER let a man treat you like this. I think either you should end things or he needs to do something to deal with his issues (counseling, anger management, etc).

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    ^ I can see both my boyfriend and my dad, too, doing things like that. Definite similarity. I know one factor that drove me to make a decision was the way my dad treats my mom. He's constantly upset with her and I grew up hearing him talk endless shit, calling her a crybaby, stupid, and bad at everything from parking a car to being a parent, both to her face and just to me! I realized that if things didn't change, the likelihood of me putting MY child through that was too much. Ugh.

    Anyway, I told him that if he really wants to have me in his life, he will do therapy to work out his anger problems. I'm not seeing him until he's learned how to stop being such a beast and to manage his emotions like a normal person. Either he'll work on it or not, but I'm not putting myself in that situation anymore. And I realize he may not get better, and in that case, we won't see eachother again. But I'm totally okay with that.

    I feel really excellent about my decision. Work last night was amazing -- I felt so lightweight, so genuinely cheerful, and I think customers were picking up on it because I was a top earner despite only going in for three hours, lol. I think the negative aspects of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was having a graver impact on me than I realized!

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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post

    I feel really excellent about my decision. Work last night was amazing -- I felt so lightweight, so genuinely cheerful, and I think customers were picking up on it because I was a top earner despite only going in for three hours, lol. I think the negative aspects of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was having a graver impact on me than I realized!

    Yes! I do well at work also when mine wasn't around anymore also! Plus this week has been great $$$ wise also since I've already made plans to leave him. It's amazing the energy you create & the rewards you reap once you get things on the right track
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: A super-long "my boyfriend is awful" post

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    ^ I can see both my boyfriend and my dad, too, doing things like that. Definite similarity. I know one factor that drove me to make a decision was the way my dad treats my mom. He's constantly upset with her and I grew up hearing him talk endless shit, calling her a crybaby, stupid, and bad at everything from parking a car to being a parent, both to her face and just to me! I realized that if things didn't change, the likelihood of me putting MY child through that was too much. Ugh.

    Anyway, I told him that if he really wants to have me in his life, he will do therapy to work out his anger problems. I'm not seeing him until he's learned how to stop being such a beast and to manage his emotions like a normal person. Either he'll work on it or not, but I'm not putting myself in that situation anymore. And I realize he may not get better, and in that case, we won't see eachother again. But I'm totally okay with that.

    I feel really excellent about my decision. Work last night was amazing -- I felt so lightweight, so genuinely cheerful, and I think customers were picking up on it because I was a top earner despite only going in for three hours, lol. I think the negative aspects of my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was having a graver impact on me than I realized!
    Glad you're feeling better & having a great time at work bc of it!

    My dad's mother was a depressive alcoholic who had a habit of beating him severely. I've seen the stats proclaiming that an addict's offspring are smtg like 8x as likely to develop addiction problems than offspring of a non-addict, but my dad is proof that those stats can be overcome. Like you did w/ your toxic parent, he saw the pattern, recognised its destructiveness & decided he was going to take the steps to NOT be That Guy.

    My most recent ex, OTOH, is the complete opposite. He claims to recognise that his upbringing was pretty dysfunctional, but 'I can't change the past [parents' bad behaviour toward him + his bad behaviour toward me] & I guess I'm just set in my ways'. So he refuses to do anything to address the problems that lead him to 'misbehave' & self-medicate w/ pot + excessive drinking. I told him the same thing you told yours -- go to counselling & get your shit straight or don't ever contact me again. Unsurprisingly, my phone has been pretty quiet It's saddening & it hurts to not have him in my life anymore (even tho I am still fighting to have him not completely lose his ass bc of his substance abuse) but we have to take care of ourselves in these cases.

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