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Thread: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

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    Default I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    Hello ladies,
    I need some good advice from intelligent women like you all. I recently found out that my boyfriend had been involved with his ex girlfriend the entire time we have been together, about a year and a half. By involved I mean writing her emails, texts and facebook messages frequently. Messages that say he is ready to be a couple again, give things another try, wants to see her boobs. etc. She responded back with dirty pictures and played along with everything. In the beginning he was distant, it took almost 9 months for him to call me his girlfriend but eventually he did and started to tell me he loved me. Fast forward to this last summer. He left the state to work at a seasonal job for four months. They had originally met at this job and she was there last summer as well. I know I shouldn't have but I read his text messages and found out that their relationship started right back up as soon as he got there. Like the day he flew in they slept together. Before he left, he had cried and told me he wished I could come with. that he loved me, wanted me to be with him when he got back etc. So I am just so confused why he would say all that to me and then go to a different state and get all emotionally involved with her too. It blows my mind. Why not tell me the truth? Eventually I broke up with him because his communication was faltering but we still stayed in touch and decided that we wanted to give it another go as soon as he got back. He is now back. We have been living together for about three months and things are going well but what he did is still eating at me. I feel heartbroken and so angry. Like our entire relationship was one joke and he totally played me. Kept me on the line while he tried to work things out with her. I love him and I know things are really done between them. I know this because I read his messages. Horrible I know but I just had to find out the truth. He wants me and I am the only person he has ever asked to live with him. His sister even told me this. I want to be happy but I think about leaving every day. I have talked to him about this and he has apologized and tried to explain himself but I just can't trust him anymore. I don't know what to do. Should I just wait it out and let time take her away from him? I just feel like I am not respecting myself by staying but I love him so much and he is a good responsible man. However, any thought about what he did or of her sends me into a crying fit for an hour. I need to know if any of you have had an experience like this and how you handled it. I am seriously so stuck, smiling at him but dying inside. Help!

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    You don't trust him because you SHOULDN'T trust him. Why should you after he's spent most of your relationship cheating on you? You are wasting your time with him, believe me. Who cares that you're the first girl he's wanted to live with? Big fucking deal. Is there a ring on your finger? There are better fish in the sea. Your instincts are telling you to get out and you should listen to them. Please do before you wind up pregnant by this asshole or something...He sounds like trash to me.


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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    Why not tell you the truth? ---- Uh cause he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Cause he is not mature. So he can test the limits. So he can get p*ssy when he travels. etc....

    How do you know things are really done between them? You should have had him call her up while you were there so he could tell her it was over or you would not move in with him.

    Next time, if there is a next time, If he travels you will want to go too. Some dudes cannot be trusted to wander about on their own and your presence will help keep him in line.

    I know it sucks to be betrayed. Believing that he was faithful to you and honest with you and he wasn't. but if the shoe was on the other foot he probably would have dumped you for f*cking your ex so I'm just saying that you have some leverage here and the ball is in your court. Maybe you can forgive him?!? IDK But if you can't trust him at all it would be very hard to get closer to him and progress in the relationship.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    Quote Originally Posted by wednesday86 View Post
    Please do before you wind up pregnant by this asshole or something...
    Or worse - catching a disease....I bet he didn't use a condom with the ex girlfriend
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    http://cdn4.gurl.com/wp-content/uplo...tv8to1_500.gif

    Do you really need advice on this one? I don't think so.

    Pack up any of his shit in a box.
    Drop the box of at his parents/friends place.
    Let him know that you aren't interested in a relationship with him anymore- why would you be friends with someone who stabs you in the back (he did)
    Block him on social media, on your phone.
    Change the locks if you have to.

    Set higher standards for what you expect in a partner and learn to love yourself. Get some counseling for self worth and to have some support.

    "Any person that expects you to devalue yourself in the process of your involvement with them isn’t worth having around. This means you have to take protective measures, distance yourself, opt out, and/or cut off. Doing all of these things are acts of self-esteem." http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/what...-deal-breaker/
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    This guy is a narcissistic, self-absorbed asshole, and he is incapable of caring about anyone but himself. He strung you along for over a year, while trying to patch things up with his ex, then came crawling back to you when it didn't work out with her. You are right, he was playing a game- to people like this, everything is a game, and people are to be played and toyed with. Your feelings, his ex's feelings, none of it matters to him. You got played, she got played.

    Are you gonna let him win? Cause he is right now; he got off scott-free for what he did to you, he still has you, and is getting what he wants, while you're the one silently suffering. Can you wake up every morning next to this guy who makes you want to cry, leaves you feeling like you need to fake a smile to get through life, knowing who he really is? You don't deserve that.

    Toss this loser in the trash, ASAP!
    "These lumps- I know you wanna slump up on these lumps! But you can't cause you're a chump- a chuuuump."
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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    You're not his first pick and he shouldn't be yours. (it breaks my heart to say that, as I know how much it will hurt to read it.)
    But you do know, deep inside that it's the truth.
    Move on.
    There are men out there who love and don't cheat. Who have their own faults, (as we all do) but cheating isn't one of them. Find one of those guys and never look back.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    One of life's hardest lessons is the one that teaches you, you don't need enemies when you have friends you can't trust.

    He sounds a lot like my last bf. 6yrs of lies from him, almost the entire time we knew each other -- his behaviour over the last yr+ was getting squirrellier & squirrellier, & I just found out abt the bulk of it barely a month ago. He didn't feel bad abt it at all, & sounds like yours doesn't either. He knows what he did was wrong, & that you would be upset … but the important thing in his mind wasn't your feelings or needs -- it was what was in it for him. He treated you like his side bitch -- you wrote it yourself -- kept you on the line while trying to work things out w/ her what part of that behaviour says 'I am responsible & mature & deserve a loving relationship w/ a good woman'??

    Put his shit in the street, block all his avenues of communication & move on.

    I am struggling w/ this myself right now, I know how conflicting it can all feel. The 'Why did he go to all this trouble? Why all the lies? Why this, why that?' but the answers probably won't satisfy you, at least anything he tries to come up w/, bc he's established such a deep pattern of dishonesty that deep-down you will always be questioning anything he says. Hoping that maybe if you both worked hard enough you could put things right. Your instincts are telling you to get out. Listen to them.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    Quote Originally Posted by Aniela View Post
    I am struggling w/ this myself right now, I know how conflicting it can all feel. The 'Why did he go to all this trouble? Why all the lies? Why this, why that?' but the answers probably won't satisfy you, at least anything he tries to come up w/, bc he's established such a deep pattern of dishonesty that deep-down you will always be questioning anything he says. Hoping that maybe if you both worked hard enough you could put things right. Your instincts are telling you to get out. Listen to them.
    Ladies, I will butt out of this thread if you say the word, but as a guy who pulled all of this shit in his younger years and is not without issues now (though I would never leave my wife), the answer to these questions is probably both simple and depressing: He doesn't want to be alone.

    Human beings are complex creatures, with multiple and sometimes even competing needs. Even a serial cheater wants to feel loved, wants to have a place to call home and wants to know that there's someone out there who cares whether he lives or dies. However, he also craved whatever other things he saw in this other girl, who he obviously kept on a pedestal. So his answer was simple, if quite selfish, which was to keep Mary on the hook until he knew whether the other girl could replace what he was already getting. And if it fell apart, well, at least he got a little side pussy and he still has his reliable girl to go back to.

    Mary, I am sorry to say all of this, but understand that it is not you. Guys like him would pull this crap with almost anyone. He wants stability yet also craves other excitements, which I can tell you from very personal experience are competing needs that lead to all sorts of nonsense. IMHO the best thing that you can do is to move on and find someone who treats you the way that you deserve and who properly values what you have to offer.

    In any event, good luck!

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    I think if you haven't done so already you should go to a sexual health clinic and have yourself checked out if you were having unprotected sex with this guy. Even treatable stds like chlamydia can have negative effects on your reproductive system - so better to find out sooner rather than later. Also just because you don't have symptoms doesn't mean your disease free.

    If against everyone's advice you decide to keep this guy around for a second chance I would strongly suggest always using condoms.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    Wow ladies these are some harsh responses. I'm sure she already feels like shit.

    OP, I understand this is hard for you, obviously you wouldn't still be with this guy if you didn't have strong feelings for him. But he's demonstrated that he's not mature enough to be in a monogamous, committed relationship-- it has nothing to do with you, he's just not ready for it and you deserve to be with someone who is committed to you. What's going to happen the next time he has to travel for work? Is he going to slip again? There's a reason you don't trust him, it's your gut/intuition telling you that something is wrong.

    Once you cheat on someone the relationship is over. From the cheater's perspective there's no reason not to cheat again, since they know they can get away with it. And from the cheated on perspective, there's no way they can trust that person again. Without trust there's no relationship. And this wasn't a one night slip up where he cried and begged your forgiveness. He lied and cheated for months and never would have admitted it if you hadn't confronted him. You can build trust with someone like that.

    I think you've answered your own question in your post. Don't waste any more time with this guy, there's someone better out there for you.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    ^I don't think ladies were meaning to make OP feel like shit (It certainly wasn't my intention). I don't think anyone was assigning blame to OP- but instead saying she is too good for a man who would behave in this immature way.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    I had the exact same thing happen, except the guy was too poor to travel. Unless you buy a lie detector machine, you'll never be able to trust him.
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    Close contact, for an hour, for $40? And I guess I'll have to make conversation with them too?

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    Thank you so much for all the sage advice everyone! I really appreciate having a supportive community like this available to me when I am feeling lost and need some help. You are all intelligent, wonderful people. I didn't think any of you were being too harsh. A lot of the time the truth is hard to handle but it needs to be heard. It's easy to see your relationship through rose colored glasses and that's when you need to step back and let others talk some sense into you. I thank you all for doing that and helping me make the decisions that I need in order to obtain a happy, healthy relationship.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    Quote Originally Posted by SweetJulia View Post
    I had the exact same thing happen, except the guy was too poor to travel. Unless you buy a lie detector machine, you'll never be able to trust him.
    … & even if you do hook him up to a machine, there's a reason polygraph results aren't admissible in court. basically unless you heavily study body language & whatnot like that guy from Lie To Me, no guarantees.

    & Heidi beat me to addressing the apparent harshness in these responses. I don't think any of us meant to add insult to the OP's injury.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    I, a male, have been in your position myself.

    Years ago, honestly before many of you were a twinkle in your daddy's eye, my SO went on a girls night out, and I, at the request of her mother, had to go looking for her.

    Let's just say she had too much to drink, and was taken advantage of. I have never been able to get any details about the situation, but I do know that a few weeks later she spent the night at his parents house out of town.

    It has taken years to be able to trust her, and there is often some doubt....

    Unless this guy is absolutely THE ONE, he won't be worth the worry every time he is out of your sight long enough to stray.

    At the time ours happened I was told it was my own fault because I hadn't committed to her yet, so she flirted around....like that was supposed to instill confidence in our relationship. 30 years later, I still don't know if she went to the guys house to fool around or not. I know she went out of town to visit him later, and had visited him within days after the incident, until I threw a fit.

    The biggest problem is, even though I could really care less if it was intentional or not, I do not know.

    He strayed the 1st night away, not after days when he got lonely...the very 1st night.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    My eyes teared up re-reading this, and knowing how much it hurts being with someone you can't trust. If we were hard on the OP, it's only because sometimes that's what it takes to save someone from more pain. I would rather she feel hurt that we were too harsh than feel the pain of being lied to and cheated on once more.

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    Default Re: I seriously need some good advice. Please help!

    ^ And we weren't name calling or condescending.
    I just wrote what I wish someone had eventually said to me, it's not meant to hurt but it is meant to have an effect- it's the strong comments that stick with you (as long as they aren't cruel).

    OP has put up with his behaviours for a long time knowingly- maybe a bit of firmness is what she needs, obv. she is welcome to communicate if what we say hurts her and that's cool too. Harsh to one person is ambiguous to another.
    Tiny tweaks----->BIG CHANGES

    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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