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Thread: Ultra-negative spouse

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    Veteran Member MissQuirk's Avatar
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    Default Ultra-negative spouse

    So- I've gotten married recently and I'm discovering my spouse is literally THE most negative person I have ever met. I thought he was in a funk and that it would end, but it's been months. We got married really quickly after getting to know each other which might not have been the smartest choice. Please no judgment there :/ Be nice to me, please .__.

    He never wakes up in a good mood. He's never happy for no reason. He NEVER feels optimistic or excited. I know he struggles with depression and so do I, so I'm trying really hard to be uplifting and I mentioned him getting help and he seemed open to it but I don't want to push him and be too domineering and controlling, because I worry that if he feels pushed into therapy or something then it might be a negative experience.

    He also yells a lot. Not at me, not at anything really. We have a new puppy and if he has an accident and spouseguy accidentally steps in it, it's a loud rumbling "FUCK' and I'm terrified of loud noises.

    I dunno - I'm just scared that this will spiral into the deep depression/abuse my dad ended up displaying when I was a kid. I don't want that for my family...I dunno what to do :/

    Should I just keep trying to stay positive and mention seeking help? it's affecting my work too. Both vanilla and sex-work...so I know I can't keep on too long with this
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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Both of you should seek help, and if he refuses, get a divorce.


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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    I honestly don't see the point in seeking help. It doesn't sound like your relationship was ever really working well, so it's not like you have anything to work towards.

    I would RUN. The first part of a relationship is usually the rosiest; I would guess that it will only get worse from here. It'll only get harder and harder to leave as time goes on and your lives become more intertwined.

    What was the original reason you got married? And why so quickly? Are you lonely? Did you convince yourself you'd never find a better option? Are you looking for someone to protect you (financially, emotionally, etc.)? I'm asking these questions gently.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    You made a mistake, it is thankfully early enough to rectify it. Get out and call it a lesson learned, don't marry people expecting them to change.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Charlie does have a good point.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    I call my husband Eeyore. He loves me, would never cheat on me, will do anything for anyone (as I just saw in action as a friend of ours was passing away over the last month) but he is a grouch! He is definitely a glass half empty type. I am a glass half full (and it better be champagne!) type. We have been together almost ten years now. I love him and he drives me insane. Some days I don't work just because he has ruined my morning. He makes a very good living though, so, my money is just kind of extra. If we really needed the money I bring in, he'd have to change his attitude, or I'd have to move out.

    Since you did already get married, I would suggest trying counseling. There's nothing terribly wrong about rushing into a relationship (we did) but then you have to realize you will spend years getting to know the "real" him. (as he will for you) If it doesn't work, well, you've learned something. If it does, well, that's awesome too!

    I also suggest finding ways to separate your self-worth from his opinions. It's often difficult, (and can be impossible at times) but we both have the unreality of men who don't know us telling us how fantastic and wonderful we are, so sometimes, it doesn't hurt to take a little bit of that to heart. (even though we know it's all just smoke and mirrors)

    Good luck!

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Annulment. Run run run...don't make the mistake I did. Men don't change for anyone.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by SnuffleUffleGrass View Post
    Annulment. Run run run...don't make the mistake I did. Men don't change for anyone.
    Some men do change, but they have to be ones willing to change for themselves.





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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Sit down with him and have a serious, yet gentle, talk with him. Make him understand that you are trying your best to keep the relationship together, but that his anger problem is driving you away. Simply tell him that if he doesn't get anger management therapy, then you are gone. Noone needs that amount of negativity in their lives.

    He must make a choice: You, or his anger.
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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Get out. It's only going to get worse. If he's already acting like this, how do you think he's going to be in a year , 2 years..?

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    I really don't mean to offend anyone but it really bothers me when someone's first piece of advice to a married person upon hearing of an issue is to run, leave or divorce. There was obviously a reason she took a vow to be with him for better or worse so why shouldn't she try to work on it with him? It's not like she said he was violent or anything like that so I really don't see why she shouldn't try fixing it with someone she loves rather than bailing at the first sign of trouble.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    All we know about her relationship is whatever she chose to share. She said literally zero positive things about this guy or their relationship, said they dated for a very short period before getting married, and said that he brings her down (no small issue considering the OP struggles with depression) and that she's only been unhappy since they've been together.

    So yeah, bobblehead, this looks like an open-and-close case to me. If they had been together for a couple of years and things suddenly went to shit, she'd be receiving different advice. If she'd included any details that made me think they had any chance at being happy together, she'd be receiving different advice.

    You'll notice in my post that while I recommended she begin taking steps towards separation, I also asked her a number of followup questions to give us a clearer picture of how she came to be married to this guy.

    But honestly, what else would you say to someone who says "we dated for five minutes, got married, and everything has been awful since then"? Go to counseling? Are you serious? There are 7 billion people in the world. Why would you waste time working on a relationship that was dead on arrival? Call me sentimental, but I don't believe in settling (barring financial pressures or other such circumstances).

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Thanks for the replies <3
    I know I didn't say anything nice about him, I was pretty upset when I typed all of this out.

    He is absolutely incredible, he's just grumpy alllll the time, just like a big black cloud is hovering over his head.

    We didn't have a real reason to get married. Neither of us were struggling financially, both of us are fairly confident folks, neither of us felt like we were settling. We had been together a bit, living together, and just sort of decided to do it.

    I just love him. We fit together, I guess. We create together (art, writing), I feel liek I can be myself around him, I love everything about him...other than his general negative outlook on everything.

    I guess I was asking really if people are just generally negative? Like is that a personality type? When he's not like this it's incredible. I think maybe I made it sound worse than it is when I wrote this originally.

    Regardless I am taking all of this into consideration. I think both of us as individuals should get help regarding depression anyway, relationship aside. So we'll start there.

    Sorry I didn't reply right away, my computer wasn't starting up.
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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Has he ever had issues with depression? Has he always been so unpleasant? If so, why did you stay together? Any number of things can be going on, I wouldn't give up just yet.
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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by charlie61 View Post
    All we know about her relationship is whatever she chose to share. She said literally zero positive things about this guy or their relationship, said they dated for a very short period before getting married, and said that he brings her down (no small issue considering the OP struggles with depression) and that she's only been unhappy since they've been together.

    So yeah, bobblehead, this looks like an open-and-close case to me. If they had been together for a couple of years and things suddenly went to shit, she'd be receiving different advice. If she'd included any details that made me think they had any chance at being happy together, she'd be receiving different advice.

    You'll notice in my post that while I recommended she begin taking steps towards separation, I also asked her a number of followup questions to give us a clearer picture of how she came to be married to this guy.

    But honestly, what else would you say to someone who says "we dated for five minutes, got married, and everything has been awful since then"? Go to counseling? Are you serious? There are 7 billion people in the world. Why would you waste time working on a relationship that was dead on arrival? Call me sentimental, but I don't believe in settling (barring financial pressures or other such circumstances).
    You are right she didn't offer many details in her post. She also never said she was only unhappy since they got married. Because of this I assumed correctly that there must be something good about the guy. Trust me, I believe there are MANY reasons to run from a relationship but I just didn't read into the OP enough to go there on this one. Could very well turn out in the future that she should have though but based on what we knew I just think it's premature.

    I know you disagree but telling someone to run from a marriage because their partner is "negative" (not abusive, not violent) from what she posted originally just strikes me as jumping the gun. Call me sentimental but whether it's a five minute or five year engagement when I make the commitment I'm willing to put in a little work before bailing. There was obviously enough there for them to make the commitment in the first place.

    MQ, only you know how bad the behavior is and whether the marriage is worth working on. Good luck!

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Long term problems with depression can lead to a lot of complicated problems you don't want to be saddled with- everything from diminished productivity at work, not helping around the house, or even problems as serious as porn addiction and alcohol/drug abuse.

    It's really up to you. I'm assuming there's some practical aim to being with him (monetary) and that's why you are sticking it out.

    I got with my ex and tried to deal with his many many mental health issues & it only drained me financially and wore me down physically/emotionally. Life is not a Hollywood Romantic Drama. You will not be re-paid in some way by the Universe for carrying a weak partner. More often you will end up losing things.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    I'm going to give you a HUGE piece of advice right here and please take it. Until this is settled do NOT get 1 thing in both of your names! Don't buy a house or a car or get a credit card jointly! I say this from experience of someone who knows how much harder those things make marriage and divorce! I did what you did. Married rather quickly. Unfortunately he traveled a lot and after 3 months married he went back to his 1 month gone, 2 weeks home schedule so I didn't see the problems in our marriage till after everything in my life was half his too. It makes it really hard to be objective at that point. Now, mine won't go to counseling but he's a sociopath so it probably would do little good anyway. Yours needs counseling and maybe some medication and the sooner he gets himself on a treatment plan the sooner you can see what's really going on with him. Lots of people get depressed and there are tons of different methods they use to break free of it. If I read it correctly, he wasn't like this before you got married so maybe he's just feeling all that "grown up/married man/responsibility" pressure now. He might just need a little help to shake it, or maybe he's always been this way? ...but you did say "when he's not like this he's incredible" which leads me to believe it comes and goes in which case he definitely can get help for it. Good luck!

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Please go with your heart and try as hard as you can to work through your problems together but, please, consider delaying children until you feel secure. I have several friends who are divorced with kids and their entire lives (and by extension the kids lives) are consumed by hatred, pain, fighting, and anguish. They are buying summer homes for attorneys while their children have nothing. You sound like a kind person who deserves happiness. Prudence here will make your life better.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    that negative outlook is depression and very unlikely to change much. It's his way of dealing w life.

    Is that something you can accept and or live with?

    No right or wrong but something to consider.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by MissQuirk View Post

    I dunno - I'm just scared that this will spiral into the deep depression/abuse my dad ended up displaying when I was a kid. I don't want that for my family...I dunno what to do :/
    I didn't comment on this sooner b/c I didn't want to say this impolitely- but I have a male in-law who fits this description of your dad to a "T". Thankfully he's dying now from a lifetime of alcoholism. It hurts me to think about this in-law of mine beating his wife (my relative) her kids, verbally abusing her his wife all the time....and never making many real money because he was "depressed" and had to drink away his problems. He truly held his whole family + other relatives hostage for decades with his violence and failures.

    Don't let that happen to you.
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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Idk this is such a hard one ( to me at least), because I lived and do live this. My husband is moody and angry, but things came to a fever pitch about 8 years ago and it was counseling or get out. We have been together since I was 14, rushed into marriage when I was 19, and I was very young and put up with a lot I shouldn't have. He went through with the counseling, has been on meds for years for depression, and bipolar disorder. He still refuses to believe he is bipolar, though there is a heavy family history of it. Anger management helped him a lot, and realizing that a lot of his problems stem from trauma in his childhood years. He's still angry but he's learned to deal with that anger. It's no longer a constant everyday battle, I don't walk on eggshells anymore. He has his moments, and I hate that, but then again so do I. I'm not the calmest person in the world, and add that to my own depression and medical issues, and it's kind of a clusterfuck sometimes.

    Even though he keeps his anger in check for the most part, he's definitely a pessimist. Just like you described, I can't really think of him as being happy for no reason. He can ruin my mood in minutes, but he's the one person that can really hurt me, so with him I get my feelings hurt easily. He doesn't get excited about holidays, or days that are supposed to be special. Probably the only day he really goes all out for is our anniversary, and I think it's because he knows I expect it. He's generally just a down kind of guy and he expects the worst in most situations.

    All of that said, I love him more than life. He's amazing, supportive, and hilarious. He's my best friend in the world, he knows who I really am deep down, and I can say and be whatever I want with him. I always think of it as "does the good outweigh the bad?". Over the years I asked myself if through out it all, was I still glad he was there at the end of the day.

    I think you have to follow your heart and if he's who you want and the good outweighs the bad, then try counseling. Don't sell yourself short though, don't make the mistake I did of putting up with things you know you shouldn't because in the end that just creates a lot of resentment, and that's even harder to work through and takes a long time to get over. Stay firm about counseling. I hope it works out for you
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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Chapter 12: Section 2: Personality Disorders

    By Dr. Christopher L. Heffner
    Dr. Christopher L. Heffner August 21, 2014 Chapter 12: Section 2: Personality Disorders2014-11-17T21:48:40+00:00
    Maladaptive Patterns of Interacting

    Personality Disorders are characterized by an enduring pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving which is significantly different from the person’s culture and results in negative consequences. This pattern must be longstanding and inflexible for a diagnosis to be made. There are ten types of personality disorders, all of which result in significant distress and/or negative consequences within the individual. These ten disorders are broken down into three personality categories, or clusters as described below. Keep in mind that for a disorder of this type to be diagnosed, the pattern must be longstanding (often several years) ad must be present in all aspects of the person’s life. In other words, if the exhibit the behaviors only with their spouse or parents but no one else, it does not constitute a disorder.

    Cluster A

    Paranoid

    Paranoid Personality Disorder includes a pattern of distrust and suspiciousness in others. These individuals are preoccupied with doubts about people’s motives, have a difficult time trusting others and often look for the ‘real’ motive behind behavior. They may read into benign remarks, be rigid in their views and quite unforgiving of the behavior of others. Intimacy is difficult as they may be diligent in checking up on their spouse or friends, seeking to expose their infidelity and therefore confirm their suspicions.
    Schizoid

    Schizoid Personality Disorder refers to a pattern of detachment from social norms and a restriction of emotions. They often do not enjoy contact with others, not even close friends or family, and prefer solitary activities. They are seen as uninterested in social interaction and indifferent to how others perceive them, whether positive or negative. The individual with this personality disorder may also be seen as lacking emotion, including happiness, excitement, anger, distress, or any other than is considered a normal reaction to people and events.
    Schizotypal

    The Schizotypal Personality is often described by others as strange acting and/or thinking. They have eccentric ideas about the world, may be highly superstitious, and talk frequently about their beliefs. They often spend a great deal of effort on activities related to magical thinking, clairvoyance, telepathy, or ESP. They also speak in a metaphorical tone, often coming across as confusing and overly abstract. They often lack close friends and suffer from social anxieties. Their presentation is seen as odd, as they often dress in a peculiar manner and come across as suspicious and lacking in emotional expression.
    Cluster B

    Antisocial

    Antisocial Personality Disorder is perhaps one of the most recognized and identified in modern literature and entertainment. It has been called Sociopathic Personality and Psychopathic personality in previous versions of the DSM. It refers to a pattern of disregard for the rights of others, including the violation of these rights and the failure to feel empathy for victims. They may be impulsive and act on their anger of misperceived injustice they project onto others. Some research suggests that there is a large percentage of individuals currently incarcerated with this disorder, as their actions and views of the world very frequently get them into trouble with the law.
    Borderline

    This is another disorder that has received some attention in the entertainment arena. It includes a pattern of instability in personal relationships, including frequent bouts of clinginess and affection and anger and resentment, often cycling between these two extremes at a rapid pace. They fear abandonment and this fear will often result in anger and aggressive behavior or acts that are used to ‘make’ others love them or stay with them. These acts include psuedo-suicidal behavior, self-mutilating behavior such as cutting, and instability of mood.
    Histrionic

    Histrionic Personality Disorder is seen as a pattern of excessive emotional behavior and attention seeking approaches with others. They are often uncomfortable if they are not the center of attention and may use physical appearance, such as a provocative manner of dress, or explicit sexuality as a means to gain this attention. They often see relationships as more intimate than they really are and are seen as moving very quickly once they become involved with someone (e.g., they may see a person they just met as their best friend or a person they dated once or twice as their future spouse).
    Narcissistic

    This disorder is recognized by a pattern of grandiosity, exaggerated self-worth, and need for admiration from others. They are often preoccupied by fantasies of power, success, beauty, or intelligence. They often require excessive attention and admiration as well as demonstrating a sense of entitlement. They may be seen as envious of others, angry, and exploitative.
    Cluster C

    Avoidant

    Avoidant Personality Disorder is seen as a pattern of self-perceived social inadequacies, low self-esteem, and hypersensitivity to criticism. They avoid activities that involve interaction with others because of these feelings and will avoid any risk taking, even minimal, out of fear of embarrassment of humiliation.
    Dependent

    Those with this disorder are often seen as helpless and fearful. They need excessive reassurance from others and will be indecisive without this assurance. They will often go along with the group without expressing any opposing opinion because they lack faith in their decision making process and feel their own beliefs are not as important as the beliefs of others. They fear that they will be left alone and will therefore not be able to take care of themselves. This fear can result in desperate and excessive attempts to obtain nurturance and support.
    Obsessive-Compulsive

    Like the disorder that shares its name, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder is seen by a pattern of obsessive cleanliness, perfection, and control. These individuals are often preoccupied with details, rules, and other forms of straightforward indisputable approaches to interacting with the world. They are often inflexible in their ideas, difficult to work with unless others follow their guidelines, and may be considered overly conscientious and devoted to specific activities (such as work or friendships). While the disorder known as OCD has a similar name, that disorder is more concerned with a more specific pattern of obsessions (e.g., germs) and compulsions (e.g., hand washing). The personality disorder is more focused on an overall pattern of perfectionism and control.
    Quote Originally Posted by MissQuirk View Post
    Thanks for the replies <3
    I know I didn't say anything nice about him, I was pretty upset when I typed all of this out.

    He is absolutely incredible, he's just grumpy alllll the time, just like a big black cloud is hovering over his head.

    We didn't have a real reason to get married. Neither of us were struggling financially, both of us are fairly confident folks, neither of us felt like we were settling. We had been together a bit, living together, and just sort of decided to do it.

    I just love him. We fit together, I guess. We create together (art, writing), I feel liek I can be myself around him, I love everything about him...other than his general negative outlook on everything.

    I guess I was asking really if people are just generally negative? Like is that a personality type? When he's not like this it's incredible. I think maybe I made it sound worse than it is when I wrote this originally.

    Regardless I am taking all of this into consideration. I think both of us as individuals should get help regarding depression anyway, relationship aside. So we'll start there.

    Sorry I didn't reply right away, my computer wasn't starting up.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    Quote Originally Posted by amberlly View Post
    that negative outlook is depression and very unlikely to change much. It's his way of dealing w life.
    depression is a mental disorder, and it doesn't define a person. its not just "their outlook on life" or their personality. a lot of times its a brain chemistry mess up, and if they can get help with it they can finally be themselves again. millions of people suffer from depression and it doesn't automatically make them a monster who will never change.
    my suggestion would be to have a serious sit down talk with him and let him know that you need him to get this under control and seek help. if he refuses, then i would think about maybe leaving because it is VERY hard to struggle with depression yourself and have a depressed partner who refuses to get help and drags you in deeper.
    on the other hand, you said you were worried about him getting violent..has he ever been that way in the past? what is making you worried about this?
    i feel like something is missing from this puzzle

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  44. #24
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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    @ Simone I worded the post poorly. I was trying to say that the symptoms of the condition mean the person is flat, over reacts to small things and has a negative outlook. Untreated its unlikely to change. And people in the throws of depression can do strange things as a way of coping. Like the yelling in reaction to small things.

    Allowances need to be made for some of that. Its up to the OP what her boundaries and limits are but the behaviors can be a way of coping with an illness.

    Another option OP is that you and your partner are still working out how to be married to each other. These particular issues you mention could be an area where you both have struggles and clash in how you deal with it.

    Treatment is fantastic but it doesn't always bring instant results. Plus organizing it would be hard for some very depressed. There is a lot involved in finding the right therapist, medication, trialing things and just communicating everything.

    Someone refusing treatment could be daunted by that rather than just difficult.

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    Default Re: Ultra-negative spouse

    I hope your spouse is open for counseling, MissQ, otherwise, I don't feel it can be helped. I was in a similar situation. I met my estranged (my choice) husband about 5 years ago and he appeared to be a loving, giving, humble person for a few months. That was his front. Once I got into the relationship he became extremely negative, possessive, and controlling and like you, I put up with that shit.

    Maya Angelou has the perfect quote for this: "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time."

    I got the signs early on but I felt i could change him just by showing that I wasn't like his exes. That all he needed was love, and someone he could trust and be a positive force in his life. The problem was, he's always been the common denominator in each and every relationship he's had.

    His negativity was so bad. He had the utmost hatred for a lot of things and people, mainly because he felt good things never happened to him. He was literally jealous of any and everything but he only spewed his hate when no one was around. This got worst once he was in the military. He appeared respectful, humble, etc until he shed his uniform. His shell. Let's just say after we moved out he had to pay thousands of dollars in repairs because his fist were addicted to walls and my expensive electronics.

    I too had only known my "ex" for a short amount of time before we jumped the broom. I dated him about 6 months before he left for the military. Then we dated 6 more months (break ups were the norm) separately and he pushed for marriage. In a year we were married and I didn't know how poisonous he was until living and being around him 24/7. I wish I would've listened to Maya Angelou as it would've saved me 5 years of headache.

    Fast forward. I left that ass and I've never been happier. Oh, we did the counseling thing but that too turned into negatives. Instead of being able to share my marriage concerns with a counselor, I got beat down verbally when we got home over the things I brought up. I was so stressed that I was suffering from hypertension.

    I've cut all ties from him. I don't call, email, etc. but he still emails me and begs for my number. Occasionally I just to entertain myself I'll open one and again...100% of them are negative. I'll give you an example of how negativity can control someone's life. I left him about a year and a half ago. His emails are full of begging, pressuring me to take him back, hatred for others, hatred of me, slut-shaming, and the occasional manipulative "suicide" talk. Now, just think a bit. We broke up a year and a half ago and he hasn't done a damn thing to change his situation. Meanwhile I've moved to another state, got a car, got a beautiful condo, made new friends, etc. These type of people don't get that they're negative. They usually believe that it's them against the world and are serial complainers. People like this take no responsibility for the choices they've made in life which is what it comes down to.

    “You can't blame anyone else, ... , no one but yourself. You have to make your own choices and live every agonizing day with the consequences of those choices.”
    ― Max Brooks, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War

    Once I left him, my life turned back to being positive again. Things turned around for me, doors were opened. I never really did like negativity and sometimes it can rub off on you but I know full well that being with a negative spouse can really bring down your mood, appetite, heighten stress, etc.

    His negativity effected and consumed him and now he's still pissed at the world. But he's pissed at the world all by himself.

    MissQ, you knew how he was when you married him. It is up to you now to decide to either stay married to a Negative Nathan, or do something about it. Love you!




    Believe In Your Brand



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