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Thread: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

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    Default Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    Hey, y'all. Lordy, this is so trite, but I could really use some help here...

    A couple of folks know that my marriage imploded all over my face a few months back, and that my spouse of 9+ years ghosted on me, leaving me with a stack of unpaid bills (oh, hi there, angry landlord!) and an empty bank account. I was sure we were done, because if bitch came within 100 feet of me, I'd be a widow any-damn-way. Then she showed up, I somehow managed not to commit a capital offense, and some things came out. My partner had started gender transition just a few months before the Great Ghostening of 2014, had quit her job (not been fired, as I was told) because of some verifiable and shitty transphobia, and had disappeared on a mission to give everything she owned to our kids (twins adopted at birth and living with their parents across the country) and commit suicide. I knew she was depressed, I knew work was touchy about her transition, I even knew she was having suicidal ideation, but the extent of her deterioration floored me. (And, suddenly, I felt like such a dink for reverting to him/husband whenever I talked about her leaving...)

    Still, I was firm. I insisted on a counselor to mediate, and she willingly gave me documentation about the money (which, to be fair, was hers - my camming money has always been in a separate account, I just hadn't been camming), which she hadn't spent on anything - she'd just been too depressed to pay anything, and too ashamed to admit she was overwhelmed. We came up with some ground-rules for reconciliation, and a timeline for certain things to be done. She has another job, her doctor is checking in with her more frequently about her hormones and the changes in her body, and when our health insurance starts, she has a short-list of trans-friendly therapists to talk to. We're still doing couples counseling in the meantime, and I'm in charge of the finances, though we sit down and pay bills together. It's only been a short time, but I'm confident that we're on the right track; whether together, or safely apart. We're moving in a little under 6 months (or I'm moving by myself and she's going home to the east coast, whatever), because two people with OCD cannot live with filthy-ass housemates. We check in often. We're giving ourselves time and space.

    But I need some practical advice on how to be kind to myself here-and-now. Preferably in a way that makes me feel like I'm doing things to also move forward. I know I need to get back into therapy myself, to make sure I'm staying healthy. Right now camming/working is the only thing I'm doing that feels like it's contributing without being Momly, but that burnt itself out quickly, to be honest. I mean, I'm journaling, I'm taking long walks, but she's lil' Miss Footrubs N' Dinnermaking, and while I kind of want her to be pulling all the weight here, because fucking fucketty fuck, I want to feel like I'm *Doing* too, you know? If I'm honest, I already forgive her. Transition is a horrifyingly frightening thing, especially when you're in your 30s, and so is depression, and I'm so proud of her for not jumping in front of a train, and I feel so loved that she came back to face what she'd done... I want to take care of me and show her that I want us to have a better relationship, both. I want all the things. I know time and consistency is good, but was there anything you did for yourself and/or the relationship when you were rebooting? Does pure self-care count as moving the relationship in a good direction, or would it be better for us to do, like, manicures together or something? Date night for broke folks? Any ideas, anybody?

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    If you feel the need for some "me" time, by all means take care of yourself first. You can't help her with her issues unless you are in a stable place. Once you are cared for, then you can do a cheap girls night out, or an at home spa day.

    If you want to help her, you have to keep yourself healthy enough to do so.

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    Member LilliB's Avatar
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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    Thanks, that's a good point. Want-to and capable-of are different things, ya know? I'm learning...

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    Maybe you might like to read the "dear sugar columns"? Just google it Her words are very soothing and deal with a variety of issues of complex nature.

    As tough as what you are going through - you still love each other as human beings ands that is worth holding on to.

    Self care is everything. Yoga - child pose. Watching your favourite tv shows. Listening to meditations. Grooming things, like a home hair treatment, file your nails or make a favourite meal.

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    Oh wow! This actually reminds me a lot of my boyfriend and I. I kicked him out of my apartment last month until he resolves his anger issues. We're giving ourselves time and space too so that we can have a better relationship in the future.

    Anyway, I've also been trying to do self-care. Was there anything you wanted to do but felt you couldn't while you were living with your partner? For example, I felt like I always ate unhealthy restaurant food and that the house was a mess when my boyfriend was living with me. When he left, I took the opportunity to get healthy stuff to cook and I rearranged my furniture. Doing this not only made me feel better, but also let me realize that I wasn't being assertive enough in our relationship, which led to me feeling out of control and resentful.

    I've also been doing typical self-care stuff like facials and pedicures, which is awesome. But, again, the best part is learning from it -- I realized that I need regularly scheduled Kaninchen Time if he and I are ever going to live together peacefully. His barnacle behavior was really getting on my nerves!

    In my opinion, only you can figure out the best method of self-care for yourself and your relationship right now. I think you should also look into why being a mom burned you out? You didn't elaborate on that and you don't have to, but it seems like a pretty significant statement to me.

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    Whoa, wrong thread.
    Last edited by Trem; 02-12-2015 at 10:24 AM.
    "Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that."

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    Thanks, amberlly! I took your suggestions and combined them into a "dear sugar + blue nails + homemade pizza" night! I must've spent over an hour reading and listening to the podcast - how did I never know about this before?? It was really nice to take a break from doing things specifically to advance The Cause, and think about why I turned this into a capital-C-Cause, anyway. Terrific suggestion, many thanks!

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    Quote Originally Posted by kaninchen View Post
    Oh wow! This actually reminds me a lot of my boyfriend and I. I kicked him out of my apartment last month until he resolves his anger issues. We're giving ourselves time and space too so that we can have a better relationship in the future.

    Anyway, I've also been trying to do self-care. Was there anything you wanted to do but felt you couldn't while you were living with your partner? For example, I felt like I always ate unhealthy restaurant food and that the house was a mess when my boyfriend was living with me. When he left, I took the opportunity to get healthy stuff to cook and I rearranged my furniture. Doing this not only made me feel better, but also let me realize that I wasn't being assertive enough in our relationship, which led to me feeling out of control and resentful.

    I've also been doing typical self-care stuff like facials and pedicures, which is awesome. But, again, the best part is learning from it -- I realized that I need regularly scheduled Kaninchen Time if he and I are ever going to live together peacefully. His barnacle behavior was really getting on my nerves!

    In my opinion, only you can figure out the best method of self-care for yourself and your relationship right now. I think you should also look into why being a mom burned you out? You didn't elaborate on that and you don't have to, but it seems like a pretty significant statement to me.
    Thanks, kaninchen. I really appreciate you sharing some of your own experiences, and I can feel some similarities, too. As I said above, I took some time to read that awesome new-to-me advice column, and just kind of veg out by myself, and I'm feeling good about relaxing some of this pressure I put on myself to Do Things and Make Things Better, you know? I guess that's what being momly is to me. It may be different for white people, or people who didn't grow up in matriarchal communities, but back home, the moms were expected to kind of mother the whole community. Whenever I start down that line of thinking (work all the work for the Family, have you eaten?, let's talk about your feelings, don't leave that there, where's your sweater?), I do burn out quickly, probably because I hold myself to a weirdly high standard. My mom is literally superhuman, for real. And she's also mentally ill, so I sometimes fall into the trap of thinking the blahs are no excuse to stop putting every ounce of myself into taking care of business. Honestly, it's one of those things I've talked to therapists about before, but I really need to unpack further.

    (Unless you meant, like, actual physical motherhood? I'm a *birthmom? That shit is AWESOME! Fun story: I knew I didn't want kids, and my partner was supportive, but when we found out it was twins at about the 7 month mark, we pretty much gave up on adoption. Then, the parents we'd been talking to showed us the remains of their 3 invitro attempts - complete preparation for twins. What?!? It's open, and we see them on holidays and during the summer, and write letters, and send presents. And we get to be the fun Imas who serve sundaes for dinner and know all the coolest cartoons. Plus, their parents are much older than us, and I already called dibs on any grandkids! Seriously, though, we have the best adoption story ever. I will always want to talk about it, just gimme any reason!)

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    ^ LOL, omg, I responded to your post while I was falling asleep last night. For some reason, I misinterpreted it as you having adopted children, realizing you weren't ready to be a mom, and then sending the children back to their birth parents with the intent of re-adopting them in the future. I have no idea how I arrived at that conclusion. Brb re-learning basic reading comprehension!

    Anyway, now that I actually understand what you wrote, your stance on motherhood makes 100% sense. Sorry for the mix-up!

    I'm glad you're figuring things out. Best of luck to you!

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    HA!! Ohmygosh, I shouldn't be laughing so hard, but I totally am. Kudos for you for being 100% supportive and kind regardless!

    And just in general, thanks to everyone. I've never posted in Life Support before, but I needed a non-judgmental sounding board, and practical advice, and you ladies delivered in spades. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
    Last edited by LilliB; 02-12-2015 at 09:04 PM. Reason: laughing too hard to type right

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    Default Re: Self-Care Ideas for Relationship Reboots?

    So glad you liked the blog! I read it whenever I get stressed out.

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