Hey, y'all. Lordy, this is so trite, but I could really use some help here...
A couple of folks know that my marriage imploded all over my face a few months back, and that my spouse of 9+ years ghosted on me, leaving me with a stack of unpaid bills (oh, hi there, angry landlord!) and an empty bank account. I was sure we were done, because if bitch came within 100 feet of me, I'd be a widow any-damn-way. Then she showed up, I somehow managed not to commit a capital offense, and some things came out. My partner had started gender transition just a few months before the Great Ghostening of 2014, had quit her job (not been fired, as I was told) because of some verifiable and shitty transphobia, and had disappeared on a mission to give everything she owned to our kids (twins adopted at birth and living with their parents across the country) and commit suicide. I knew she was depressed, I knew work was touchy about her transition, I even knew she was having suicidal ideation, but the extent of her deterioration floored me. (And, suddenly, I felt like such a dink for reverting to him/husband whenever I talked about her leaving...)
Still, I was firm. I insisted on a counselor to mediate, and she willingly gave me documentation about the money (which, to be fair, was hers - my camming money has always been in a separate account, I just hadn't been camming), which she hadn't spent on anything - she'd just been too depressed to pay anything, and too ashamed to admit she was overwhelmed. We came up with some ground-rules for reconciliation, and a timeline for certain things to be done. She has another job, her doctor is checking in with her more frequently about her hormones and the changes in her body, and when our health insurance starts, she has a short-list of trans-friendly therapists to talk to. We're still doing couples counseling in the meantime, and I'm in charge of the finances, though we sit down and pay bills together. It's only been a short time, but I'm confident that we're on the right track; whether together, or safely apart. We're moving in a little under 6 months (or I'm moving by myself and she's going home to the east coast, whatever), because two people with OCD cannot live with filthy-ass housemates. We check in often. We're giving ourselves time and space.
But I need some practical advice on how to be kind to myself here-and-now. Preferably in a way that makes me feel like I'm doing things to also move forward. I know I need to get back into therapy myself, to make sure I'm staying healthy. Right now camming/working is the only thing I'm doing that feels like it's contributing without being Momly, but that burnt itself out quickly, to be honest. I mean, I'm journaling, I'm taking long walks, but she's lil' Miss Footrubs N' Dinnermaking, and while I kind of want her to be pulling all the weight here, because fucking fucketty fuck, I want to feel like I'm *Doing* too, you know? If I'm honest, I already forgive her. Transition is a horrifyingly frightening thing, especially when you're in your 30s, and so is depression, and I'm so proud of her for not jumping in front of a train, and I feel so loved that she came back to face what she'd done... I want to take care of me and show her that I want us to have a better relationship, both. I want all the things. I know time and consistency is good, but was there anything you did for yourself and/or the relationship when you were rebooting? Does pure self-care count as moving the relationship in a good direction, or would it be better for us to do, like, manicures together or something? Date night for broke folks? Any ideas, anybody?




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Her words are very soothing and deal with a variety of issues of complex nature.

Seriously, though, we have the best adoption story ever. I will always want to talk about it, just gimme any reason!)

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