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Thread: Dad saying cruel things

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    Angry Dad saying cruel things

    I am livid right now.

    I drove 5 hours to visit my old town, where my dad happens to live. He told me go stay with him instead of a hotel, and although we never got along wonderfully I figured it was worth saving the extra money.

    He's a Vietnam veteran (he's pretty old) and has very outdated views. I knew he didn't like my stripping, but today he literally came back from a doctors appointment and said they diagnosed him with PTSD and possibly as suicidal - which he then told me was my fault. He handed me the sheet of paper with the diagnosis and said "Don't be surprised if I take my own life someday. You know it's because of you, right? Your career choice affects others." WOW. Just wow. He then went on about how of all his kids I used to be the favorite, but of course not now. I told my mom who chewed him out for saying that, and I overheard him saying "Why are you proud of her? There's nothing to be proud of"

    What's messed up is he wouldnt even know about my dancing if he hadn't pried like a nosy dick - he eavesdropped on phone calls of one of my friends who was staying with him (her house burned down so she stayed with us, then I moved) and continually drilled her asking questions when he sensed something was off. I'm still not 100 percent sure if she told him or not but I doubt it, and even so he had to have pried pretty hard to get any information at all.

    At at this point I'm tempted to just go home, but I've been having so much fun with my friends. I don't know, I just need some support and don't know his to handle his harsh BS

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Is there medical evidence PTSD can be caused by an offsprings' occupation?

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Tell Pops to pull his head out of his fourth point of contact and square his shit away. PTSD can be a very devastating mental health issue, but it is not an excuse for what he said. He is just being a manipulative bastard. I know he is your father, but that does not mean you have to put up with his bullshit. Tell him to go to the VA pull his shit there. I know I could unleash my PTSD on him, so I am sure there are a few there who could do the same.

    It's your life, your career choice. It only affects him if he chooses to let it affect him. You do what you want to do, and makes you happy/money.

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Wow that is so extreme for him to be saying that to you. Can you stay with any of your friends until you go home? It sounds like he is just set in his ways and his strong opinions against dancing and he won't be changing. It's hard when family members are that harsh but I guess all you can do is accept it and let him have those opinions. You could just tell him that dancing is the best option for you right now and you never meant it to affect him so negatively. Sorry you have to go thru this girl.

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    I have PTSD, it's not caused by anyones' job. Assuming your umbilical cord was cut at birth, you're not bound to anyone you're related to and don't owe them any apologies or explanations. A job title isn't important, the way it makes you feel is. Do you feel a sense of freedom, enjoy the money, and appreciate all the free time you have? Or do you feel violated, outnumbered by extras girls, and dread going to work? If it's the former, the only thing that should matter to him is your happiness.
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    Quote Originally Posted by xStacey View Post
    Close contact, for an hour, for $40? And I guess I'll have to make conversation with them too?

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Quote Originally Posted by 22lligm View Post
    Wow that is so extreme for him to be saying that to you. Can you stay with any of your friends until you go home? It sounds like he is just set in his ways and his strong opinions against dancing and he won't be changing. It's hard when family members are that harsh but I guess all you can do is accept it and let him have those opinions. You could just tell him that dancing is the best option for you right now and you never meant it to affect him so negatively. Sorry you have to go thru this girl.
    My friend said I can crash with her tomorrow at least...tonight I'll be out anyways.

    Thanks to everyone for the support, he just went off on me again, literally following me around attacking me. Insult after insult. I've only seen him this much of an asshole a few times...I'm just not even sure what to say at this point. I told him not to talk to me for the rest of the day.

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Quote Originally Posted by SweetJulia View Post
    I have PTSD, it's not caused by anyones' job. Assuming your umbilical cord was cut at birth, you're not bound to anyone you're related to and don't owe them any apologies or explanations. A job title isn't important, the way it makes you feel is. Do you feel a sense of freedom, enjoy the money, and appreciate all the free time you have? Or do you feel violated, outnumbered by extras girls, and dread going to work? If it's the former, the only thing that should matter to him is your happiness.
    Dancing for the most part has made my life much better. I have zero social anxiety now and it used to be horrible. I'm confident, have a lot of new friends, etc.....sometimes guys are dicks at work but I dealt with equally rude people when I had a normal job

    I agree my happiness should be his main concern but apparently only his own is

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    He doesn't have to like what you do- only you do. Also, if you can only live according to his approved choices whose life would you be living? It sounds as though he hasn't accepted that you are an adult and making your own choices and living your own consequences- don't get hooked into him being proud of you (the convo with your mum you overheard), and remember, his head is messed up in his own right while he's saying these things, if he had some balance he may realise that he pushes you away when he belittles you.

    It's not always best to save some money if it means putting yourself in the firing line for unpleasantness. On the other hand, your mum sounds very supportive. I say visit them, clearly and politely put in some boundries when your dad says something offensive and if he attacks then leave. Think of it as training for him (it really is), positive reinforcement. If he continues to act out then meet your moither for coffee or when your dad is out of the house.

    Try googling some healthy boundry setting .
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirakonstantin View Post
    More fear-mongering? Really? Yes, this is not the 1990's anymore. Yes, things are changing. Either dance or don't. Freaking out and sowing fear isn't going to help anyone.




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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    So sorry about all of this! I understand because I have a dad similar to yours. He is a manipulative, selfish person who guilt trips me and my sister and is harsh and unforgiving. I've dealt with it by loving him from a distance. I dont talk to him much or go out of my way for him anymore. I constantly have to blow out his negative energy and tune out when I'm around him. I've learned to stop letting him make me feel like shit, because there is no reason for it. He is the one who feels like shit, which is why he has to take it out on his kids. If you know in your heart that you are a good person and happy, then his words are completely invalid. Stay strong and let him know that you will not be manipulated by him or made to feel bad. Tell him he is WRONG, and that his PTSD has nothing to do with you. Ask him what is he trying to accomplish by telling you these things. Does he want you to become miserable and suicidal like him? Let him know that you refuse to be abused (what he is doing is pure emotional abuse) and made to feel guilty. In the future, agree to see him only if he agrees to behave himself and not say these things to you. You are an adult woman, doing a job that is completely legal, and it doesnt have to effect your dad in any way. Good luck.

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Quote Originally Posted by EastCoastDancer01 View Post
    So sorry about all of this! I understand because I have a dad similar to yours. He is a manipulative, selfish person who guilt trips me and my sister and is harsh and unforgiving. I've dealt with it by loving him from a distance. I dont talk to him much or go out of my way for him anymore. I constantly have to blow out his negative energy and tune out when I'm around him. I've learned to stop letting him make me feel like shit, because there is no reason for it. He is the one who feels like shit, which is why he has to take it out on his kids. If you know in your heart that you are a good person and happy, then his words are completely invalid. Stay strong and let him know that you will not be manipulated by him or made to feel bad. Tell him he is WRONG, and that his PTSD has nothing to do with you. Ask him what is he trying to accomplish by telling you these things. Does he want you to become miserable and suicidal like him? Let him know that you refuse to be abused (what he is doing is pure emotional abuse) and made to feel guilty. In the future, agree to see him only if he agrees to behave himself and not say these things to you. You are an adult woman, doing a job that is completely legal, and it doesnt have to effect your dad in any way. Good luck.
    THIS^. I'm sorry that happened.


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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    People tear down other people to make themselves feel better. Often this is because they are jealous or feel inferior. I'm sorry you are having to go through that.

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Let's see if I can state this as clear as mud.....

    If you dad has been seeking help, and has a diagnosis, he may on meds that enhance his prior negativity about your chosen employment or, there is at least one sub-set of Bi-Polar Disorder that manifests itself as just this sort of manipulative, abusive, everything is somebody eles fault attitude. And if this is the case it won't improve until he seeks, and accepts help/treatment.

    That said, you might find some comfort in realizing that the reason his illness has focused on you, is that you mean so very much to him, but his condition prevents him from expressing anything but negative feelings in place of affection.

    Anyway, stick to friends, and try to enjoy the rest of your stay.

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    I wish I could give you a hug. I have heard the same shit from a few relatives, everything from a 3 page letter about how "God's plan is NOT for you to be stripping" to my mom and sister insulting me when I have been a kind and supportive family member to them.

    In short, the sooner you know how limited someone's mind is, the better. It hurts to have to lose people in life but sometimes it's done as self-protection. The last time I checked thousands of former adult industry workers are living full and happy lives, so don't absorb this negativity. Just move on and be glad for the good times and good memories.
    Last edited by SnuffleUffleGrass; 02-22-2015 at 10:04 AM. Reason: typo

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Thanks a lot guys Reading all your posts really helped. Luckily I had a fun Friday night after leaving

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    It sounds to me that your father has PTS from the Vietnam War. Every single soldier that came home from that war had extreme PTS, understandably because that was one of the worst wars EVER, in the history of the U.S. But now he's trying to shift that war PTS onto YOU, which is beyond fucked up. His thoughts are probably something along the lines of "I fought in the war in order to raise a good family. I didn't risk my life and go through that shit just to raise a stripper." That's the feeling I get. He's old-fashioned, and probably heartbroken from war. But it's not fair to blame any of that on you. You are only trying to survive, just like HE did. He needs to understand that you don't just get naked for the hell of it. You do it to SURVIVE.

    It's funny b/c I see alot of parallels b/w war and stripping. In both, you are putting yourself out there in a vulnerable way. Both can cause PTS. And being a stripper, in a way, is kind of like being a warrior, in that you have to be tough (both mentally and physically) and you have to defend yourself constantly. Maybe he needs those parallels pointed out to him. Or maybe it would just piss him off even more.

    Either way, you don't need that shit in your life. I don't talk to either of my parents anymore, because of the abuse they both put me through. I divorced both my parents. It hurt like hell, but I had no choice. I wasn't going to subject myself to abuse like that anymore.

    *hugs*
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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    My father was also a Viet Nam vet with PTSD. Eventually, I had to walk away from the relationship. I'm not sure if he ever knew about my dancing career, but I'm not the only woman in my family to have stripped for a living, so it is quite possible that he knew through the family grapevine.

    I decided to end the relationship with my father after doing some soul searching. I asked myself, "If I was not related to this person, would I want to be friends with him?" and, "Would I accept this kind of treatment from anyone else in my life?" The answer to both questions was "No."

    He did his part as a father by providing a home for his family, but by this time I was a self supporting adult. I tried reaching out to him a couple of years after I had stepped away from the relationship because my mother thought that I should. That was a mistake, as all it did was reopen old wounds. He was instantly critical of my life and the only conversation I had with him was about all things I needed to do to get back into his "good graces" as he put it. I thought, well, fuck that. He lashed out at my one more time, threatening to write me out of his will. I didn't want his money (not that he had all that much, anyway).

    He passed away last year, and I honestly hope that he is at peace now. I have no idea if I was in his will or not. I don't really care, either.

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    my dad is a vietnam vet as well, and only became sane once he got on meds..but wow that's just an incredibly immature, conniving, manipulative, horrible thing to say to anybody let along your own child! you can't change people unless they want to change, and you really have absolutely nothing to be sorry or guilty about so i would suggest distancing yourself until he can get a grip :/

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Oh this thread reminded me, one of my relatives had plenty of rotten things to say about me being in the adult industry even though he would brag openly about seeing escorts and going to strip clubs (when he ran out of money and looks he was using a old trashed out addict neighbor for sex.) Plenty of families have "not in my backyard!" attitudes about a lot of things, not just adult industry activities. (I'm personally always amused at the things super-religious people will freak out over, like having a bottle of wine in the house or women wearing blue jeans.)

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    Baby, I know it's hard but it's really not personal. Yeah, he is a dick for saying those things but at least you have other supporters. Is it possible to be the bigger person and just smile at his insults? Your dad is angry at the world, not you. Maybe all he needs is some daughter loving? Tell him that you're proud of HIM for fighting for our country. Tell him that you may be doing things that doesn't make him happy but YOU'RE happy and it's your life. Maybe explain to him that if he didn't fight for us, you wouldn't be the happy person you are now? Times have changed and he needs to know that.

    Your dad is old, bitter, but old and there is no time to waste. Maybe try being the bigger person, take him out have a beer? Hug him?

    I agree with everyone else, he has no right to treat you that way, mental illness or not but lets look at the bigger picture. Maybe he will come around after some TLC

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    Default Re: Dad saying cruel things

    This is kind of a messed up thing for me to say but all of my family members who bagged on me for being in the adult industry are literally dying without any money & no friends, or are struggling. I don't like talking bad about my own relatives but it seems like the people who had nothing but hate to give were just big losers in the first place who never had it in them to work hard & make something of themselves.

    We all die alone & we all have to look at ourselves in the mirror at some point. A lot of people cannot handle how hard life is....obviously people can be low and cruel in moments of weakness.

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