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Thread: My grandma died today

  1. #1
    Featured Member Missbeth's Avatar
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    Default My grandma died today

    I dont visit the life support part of SW often but I feel like SW is my safe place on the internet and I just need to vent and let my emotions out

    My grandma died today....actually she will die tomorrow but as of now she is brain dead so for all intensive purposes dead. She is on a ventilator but brain dead and tomorrow it will be turned off due to her wishes to not be kept on life support.
    Yesterday she fell and hit her head on a brick step when she was coming home from church. She had a heart attack but there is no way to tell if she fell because of the heart attack or had the heart attack because she fell. It took the ambulance 15 minutes to respond and at some point she stopped breathing. There was no way my grandpa could have done CPR because he is extremely frail/weak and that may not have made a difference anyways. Like I said she's on a ventilator and when she fell one of her cervical was broke and damaged the part of her brain responsible for breathing so the doctors say there is pretty much no chance she will breathe on her own.

    I guess it hasn't fully hit me yet. I haven't fallen apart the way I have in the past when someone close to me has died but maybe that is because I wasn't close to her. I never knew her growing up due to a toxic mother in law/daughter in law relationship she had with mom. I saw her when i was younger but don't remember. I started seeing her again when I was 13 but the relationship was never close. I saw her maybe twice a year and maybe talked to her 4 times a year. She didn't like me. I'm sure she loved me but I am certain she didn't like me. Other people realized she didn't like me. I look a lot like my mom which I'm sure had something to do with it. She liked my sister....always said my sister reminded her of herself. Actually the last time I saw her she made me cry because I realized she didn't like me.

    One of the worst parts for me is this stress is a huge trigger for me. All I want to do is gamble. I never talk about this on SW but I have a gambling problem. I go to GA meetings and have been clean for almost a month. I have been trying to quit for a while now, I hit a low gambled away all my savings, everything I had worked so hard for, and then some, I came clean to my family and friends, swallowed my pride and got help. Right now though the urge just feels overwhelming.

    So now I'm left with guilt. Guilt that I could have been a better granddaughter. Guilt that I could have reached out. I never tried to reach out and call, my grandparents did but I didn't answer most of the time so they stopped when I was around 17. I just feel horribly guilty and I don't feel extremely sad which makes me feel more guilty.

    Here I am having to plan a funeral with my sister and mom - who she hated and hated her - because my dad and grandpa(her only other family) just cant deal with it.

    I don't even know what to do but I do know this isn't how I should be feeling right now with the loss of a grandparent and that makes me feel like a horrible person.
    Quote Originally Posted by JackAlexander View Post
    "If no one is complaining about the price, the price is too low."
    @Bethann_Live

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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    prayers for you and your family.. I'm sorry for your loss. You can PM me here or email me at pinups4 @ gmail.com

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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    prayers for you and your family.. I'm sorry for your loss. You can PM me here or email me at pinups4 @ gmail.com

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    Senior Member Leather_Jacket's Avatar
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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    I'm sorry for your loss. Family is rough sometimes. Although I know there isn't anyway for me to truly understand your situation, I just wanted to let you know that your feelings matter too. Don't let society or family or who/whatever else tell you how you should feel. Take it one day at a time and don't feel guilty. How you feel about the situation is how you feel, and that's ok. Take some time to reflect and keep a few really good friends/family members around who will understand and listen to you. You'll power though it (IMO being a dancer means your a tough cookie). Also def stay away from the gambling if you can, real support from your loved ones and taking the time to understand your own feelings will make you feel a lot better (and save you some money too.)

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    Member oomff's Avatar
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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    Sorry for your loss

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    God/dess kortneykay's Avatar
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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    MissBeth, we can't choose the way we grieve be it fits of rage, sobbing, or not showing any signs of emotion at all. I too have recently lost one of my grandmothers. We were exactly 50 years apart and shared the same birthday. She was the "cool" but douche baggy grandmother that some of us seem to get, lol. She cursed a lot, chained smoked ever since she was 8, and was a bitch to my mother. On the day of the funeral my mother was extremely emotionless and had been the whole time. Matter of fact, no one even cried at the funeral. I remember my mom asking me this same question. "Is it normal not to cry over your own mother? You're probably not going to cry at mine." I convinced her that indeed it was and that I definitely would cry at hers. I think some people grieve based on the relationship of the individual while they were living. With my mom, she was raised by a cold hearted woman. She even said she was actually glad she was gone. But at the same time, if she didn't feel something she wouldn't have asked me those questions.

    My mom is from a small town so I only visited maybe once a year if that and it was the same way with calls. I would always receive a call on my birthday though and got presents/money until I was like 22, lol. I have a few fun childhood memories of her like letting me watch rated R movies as a kid, and giggling whenever she cursed. My other grandmother is her exact opposite. She's sweet, extremely humble, and probably never cursed in her life. I'm so close with her that I know for a fact I'm going to cry at her funeral and for a very long, long time. Either way, some people have a different relationships with different people.

    I did cry about 2 weeks before she passed away. I had plans to visit her as my mom was aiding her for the past few years and she was on dialysis. What lead to her death was a stroke but I did cry to my mom on the phone weeks priar to her death because I too felt guilty for not being able to see her. My mom had warned me that it could get worse (she had bad kidneys, and dementia) and that I should probably visit soon. Of course, before I could do that she passed away so imagine my guilt. Like you, we weren't extremely close but I still loved her.

    MissBeth, I know what helped me get closure was to help my mother go through her things. I was able to get to know my grandmother. Her life, her journey and it made me feel a lot better. Perhaps you can help go through her things with your mom and get some closure. Even people that weren't the best people to us while living can give us a change of heart after they've passed. She was a retired nurse and a historian. I really enjoyed going through her photos (my grandmother was a stunning woman, gave Beyonce a run for her money ) items that I remember from my childhood, and listened to stories. Maybe your grandpa will tell you the good times he had with her. I even walked away with some awesome finds.

    With that being said, don't blame yourself or feel guilty for how you grieve. There's no playbook on emotions when we lose someone. Hugs.




    Believe In Your Brand



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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    I'm sorry for your loss.

    This *might* make you feel better but in my life I regard one of my grandparents as a "sperm donor" & have zero urge to have any sort of feeling towards his memory. You have no control over events or people who were living their lives before you existed so take none of that personally.

    I am sure you will find someone in life to fill the role of loving grandmother. I hope none of this sounds callous but imo.....part of life is having to accept people as they are, & sometimes those people aren't necessarily what you'd want them to be. Such is life.....

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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    I am so sorry for your loss. Whether you were close or not, she was your grandmother and it's going to hurt. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

    I lost my Pops a few months ago, very suddenly, and learned that there's no right or wrong way to grieve. There may be startling, conflicting and sometimes bizarre feelings. Or not. Everybody responds to a death in their own unique way and it can change from day to day (or minute to minute.) However you're feeling, it is ok, it is the right way to feel and it's part of the grief process. Guilt and even anger or resentment are common emotions during this process. Do this your way and there's no reason to feel ashamed for your feelings. I felt all of this and so did my mom and brothers.

    Right now would be a really good time to lean on your GA support system or, if you don't gave one, to get to a meeting and find some. Also, finding ways to release the stress you're feeling is not only important for keeping your gambling issues under control, but also for your long term health. This is something that I wished I'd done. By the time Pops funeral was over, I just crashed because the prolonged stress wore me out. Grief support groups can also be a wonderful safe place to talk about how you're feeling, without judgement, and find some resources to help you through the process.

    My PM's are open to you anytime you need support, someone to bounce ideas off of (I just planned a funeral myself) or to just listen. Again, I'm truly sorry for your loss. It will never go away or stop hurting, but it will get easier to live with.

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    Default Re: My grandma died today

    I'm sorry you are going through the loss of your grandma. Wishing you peace in your grieving. You might feel like self medicating/proving your worth through gambling. It's part of the process to want to medicate the emotions her loss has triggered. I'd suggest doing some sessions with a therapist and journaling to get a release of you thought s memories feelings toward her. You mourn the relationship you wish you had, and her choice to remain distant. Don't blame yourself for the choices of the adults around you. Childhood is about being in the passenger's seat and making peace with what the adults feel like doing. You can still support and honor yourself without having seen her attitude toward you change. Your worth is not defined by her actions/attitudes.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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