View Poll Results: What should I do?

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  • Their lease, their rules, regardless of rent sharing

    8 32.00%
  • Demand it be ALL overnight guests, regardless of gender

    10 40.00%
  • Demand deduction from rent for price of hotel room

    2 8.00%
  • Try to find another place to stay

    10 40.00%
  • Other (explain in post)

    2 8.00%
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Thread: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

  1. #1
    Featured Member Naida's Avatar
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    Default Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    I've been out of (consistent) work and mostly dependent on family for a few years now because of legal issues. Now that those issues have been resolved and I'm able to work again, I have to find friends/family who will let me crash on their couch in another city while I get back on my feet. Thankfully, a girl I used to live with and her boyfriend, who I've known almost as long, fit the bill perfectly.

    Everything seemed to be coming along perfectly. We were all excited about seeing each other again after spending so long just Skyping, calling, and texting. Our personalities mix wonderfully. We can maturely talk through any issues we have. Perhaps best of all, they live very near to a couple of clubs that I can comfortably walk to during the day and take a cheap cab home after my shifts. All the "amenities" I need, like laundry and specific shopping outlets are in close proximity. Even before we started discussing specific dynamics of roommating, we were totally on the same wavelength about everything: everyone pays equal portions of the rent/bills, everyone is responsible for helping with groceries, all consumables that won't be contaminated by sharing are communal, etc.

    Then, a couple of days ago while more seriously discussing specific rules/expectations, A (the girlfriend) tells me "no partners at the house." I tried asking "you mean like boyfriends?" However, she logged off before answering. I assumed she just meant overnight guests in general and told my FWB in the next city that we would have to get a hotel room when he came to see me. We were peeved about it, since we'll already have to get a hotel room when I visit him, but it wasn't a big deal. It's their name on the lease and I'm grateful enough to deal with one rule that I don't particularly like.

    I was willing to respect that until today.

    A finally got back to me with "yeah, but girls are cool." Um, what the fuck? I tried asking her what the difference between dudes and chicks is, but she told me to ask C (the boyfriend) about it because "he explains rules better." Now I'm stuck waiting another day or two to hear back from him, and I'm going to spend that whole time pissed off and stewing about it.

    This would not be a big deal, except that there will be one or two other girls living with us and every female in the household is bi/pan or lesbian. Despite being pan myself, I've been exercising mostly hetero behavior the last few years. Why the hell should their female partners or girlfriends get preferential treatment, while I'm forced to spend money going outside the home if I have a male partner, if we're all on the hook for equal portions of the rent/bills/food?

    I've talked to a couple of people about it and am getting conflicting feedback. Non-mutual friends (I'm not gonna create drama by talking to people who know them about it) are telling me to suck it up because it's their place so it's their rules, and find something else if I don't like it. My family is equally as outraged as I am because, if we're all paying equal amounts, we should all get equal treatment. This is really the best arrangement I can find and I DON'T want to have to take the moral high ground by spending time finding another mediocre place.

    The best idea I can come up with is that I need to demand some amount of leeway or modification on this "rule" that is clearly a double standard. The two that come to mind are that the rule should apply to BOTH genders, or I should get to "deduct" the cost of a hotel room from my portion of the rent since I'll only have to get one about once a month.

    What do you guys think?
    Exotic dancing is like any other job.
    If you work in an office, you wear dress shoes and a suit.
    If you work in a restaraunt, you wear skid resistant shoes and a uniform.
    If you work in a strip club, you wear 7" stilettos and lycra g-strings.

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    Featured Member Aurora14's Avatar
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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Who knows, the bf may have jealousy issues, be "marking his territory", any reason really. Doesn't really matter at this point. If your name was going to be on the lease, Then I'd say it is unfair. But you are the guest in this situation. You're kind of stuck going along with the rules laid out or finding somewhere else.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    I took the poll, and it's interesting to see it even across the board. (Well, as I write this). I am dealing with a roommate sitch now for the first time in my life, and I personally, would NEVER, EVER, have a roommate again! I knew I would lose my privacy, but the bitch I moved in with made Sooo many promises that turned out to be all 'Baits and switch's, that I'm very anti-roommate now!
    Like that old saying, "The person who has the money makes the rules", same holds true with " The person holding the lease makes the rules." "Their way or the highway" kinda thing.
    My wish for you is that you get your own place. I believe in miracles...,daily
    Last edited by Glamourmilf; 03-25-2015 at 08:28 PM.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Double post
    .sorry

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    Featured Member Naida's Avatar
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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    I can actually answer Aurora's bit: It's not jealousy as far as I'm aware. A&C have an open relationship where she is allowed to fool around with both males and females (he gets females since he's straight) as long as she is honest about it with him.

    I don't really consider myself a "guest" in this instance, and they don't seem to consider me one either. If they were just letting me crash until I could afford my own place, of course I'd be a guest, but that is not what's up in this arrangement. I'm going to be a paying roommate, paying just as much as they do, until their lease is up. If it weren't for the fact that we are all supposed to be equally responsible for the home, I wouldn't have a problem with being the only roommate - out of five - that this rule currently affects.
    Exotic dancing is like any other job.
    If you work in an office, you wear dress shoes and a suit.
    If you work in a restaraunt, you wear skid resistant shoes and a uniform.
    If you work in a strip club, you wear 7" stilettos and lycra g-strings.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    They have taken you in and although their request isn't fair, it seems like they feel strongly about it. It's frustrating that you have to wait for an explanation, maybe they have a good reason (bad past experiences etc) for the rule and it will be beneficial to talk it over with them. Hopefully it can be resolved with a chat and agreeing to boundaries i.e. no week long group orgys etc . If not, it might be a good idea to look for another place to stay when it's an option.
    “Give a girl the right shoes and she can conquer the world” -Marilyn Monroe

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Get your name on the lease if you're contributing equally to that place. That way, you can demand equal treatment. Every time I move to a new place, I demand to be on the lease.





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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    I really hope you're right, OliveJardin. I was so pissed off about the double standard that I didn't even consider that there may be some good excuse for it (like a bad experience with a male overnight guest in the past or one of the other girls being uncomfortable around men.) Maybe I'll calm down, get it, and be able to work out something to soften the problem once we actually talk... In the mean time, I feel like the dude is just being an asshat trying to build a harem or some shit.
    Exotic dancing is like any other job.
    If you work in an office, you wear dress shoes and a suit.
    If you work in a restaraunt, you wear skid resistant shoes and a uniform.
    If you work in a strip club, you wear 7" stilettos and lycra g-strings.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    If the situation is useful to you, take advantage of it. Stay there until you get your ducks in a row then move on

    All roomates are annoying, this will probably be the least annoying thing about them

    Is it annoying moving into a situation you know is not 'forever', sure, but again, act in your own self interest.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Sounds like a double standard, but also sounds like you are just getting on your feet in a new city. Its a temporary situation. Sometimes you have to pick your battles to get ahead, if they can't see eye to eye with you then perhaps eat crow for now and play by their rules.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Quote Originally Posted by Jay12 View Post
    Get your name on the lease if you're contributing equally to that place. That way, you can demand equal treatment. Every time I move to a new place, I demand to be on the lease.
    Not necessarily. If you are on the lease, you are on the hook for the length of the lease.....(for the full amount if the landlord cant collect from the others) This way, she can leave whenever she wants. And while you dont have some of the rights that being on the lease gives you, the OP is already having problems with the living situation there. It would probably be a good idea to keep your options open.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    I think if you are paying equal rent to everyone else, then you should be treated equally to everyone else. If you are just crashing on the couch, and not on the lease, then follow their rules. But if you are on the lease, you get to make your rules. I understand why they'd say that if you don't even have a room, but if you have your own room and can keep it down, why do they care?

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    Thumbs down Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    C posted in our group chat today about the six rules of the household. The four sandwiched in between are common sense "be a decent and responsible adult" rules, that I honestly thought were pointless to include. The one that was relevant to this thread was:

    6) "No random guys for sexual purposes."

    Despite asking A to have him give an explanation for this rule when we talked yesterday, none was given. I mean literally no explanation whatsoever. What does he mean by "sexual purposes?" Someone who comes over purely to hook up, or someone we may sleep with when they come over? He doesn't say. What does he define as "random?" Someone we met at a party for a one night stand, or someone that may not be well known to every member of the household? There is zero clarification.

    I lost my temper about it and posted back "Why is it just guys if women are apparently okay? You guys know I don't like double standards, so I'd really like an explanation on the gender difference. Just get back to me when you're online." The other two girls read the post, though A&C apparently have not yet, and it seems one of them agrees with me about wanting an explanation for why it's JUST GUYS that are the problem.

    However, I'm also perturbed by another of the rules, in which he says we all "must contribute in some way or another." What? What happened to A saying we're all on the hook for equal portions of bills/rent/food? I'm sorry, but I am NOT going to be responsible for supporting guests if I'm supposed to be a roommate who is equally responsible for the home.
    Last edited by Naida; 03-26-2015 at 06:16 PM.
    Exotic dancing is like any other job.
    If you work in an office, you wear dress shoes and a suit.
    If you work in a restaraunt, you wear skid resistant shoes and a uniform.
    If you work in a strip club, you wear 7" stilettos and lycra g-strings.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    ^Sounds like he thinks you might be hoeing on the side, that is honestly the only reason I can think of that he would give no explanation??????

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    The "no men but chicks are okay" standard is probably for the overall comfort level of the other residents. As a woman, something about waking up to a strange man in the house is totally uncomfortable, while a strange lady just isn't. I doubt it's anything as extreme as them trying to prevent you from escorting in the house.

    I mean, I feel you, OP, I've lived in similar situations and I hated it. I'm an adult and I don't appreciate being told who I can and cannot have over, you know? (That's why I will never have roommates again, knock on wood!) But at the same time, it's only temporary. I think you should focus less on this rule that will only impact 0.0001% of your entire life, and try to focus more on getting back on your own two feet.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    As far as I'm concerned, waking up to a strange anyone in my house is disturbing.

    At this point, I've grumbled and stewed enough that, if I don't receive a damn good explanation for it, I will be demanding a modification or accommodation to the rule in some way. And to be sure that everyone involved will indeed be responsible for their fair share. If I can't make that happen, then I will make them aware that I will pay a fourth/fifth of the rent/bills, mark my own food, and only be home to eat, shower, and sleep between shifts.
    Exotic dancing is like any other job.
    If you work in an office, you wear dress shoes and a suit.
    If you work in a restaraunt, you wear skid resistant shoes and a uniform.
    If you work in a strip club, you wear 7" stilettos and lycra g-strings.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    First the guys vs girls thing is not fair

    However, since your friend is not 'random' they are a friend, so the rule would not apply.

    As long as the rule was to be defined by 'your good judgement' and not, 'house meeting to let the dykes decide if the strange dick can stay over' I really cannot see it as a huge impediment.

    I mean, if you meet a guy and you just have to bang him, but you don't trust him enough to go to his house, maybe he shouldn't be over your house either? Does that make any sense?

    I guess what I am saying is, no randoms seems logical, because it is not no guys. When you get a new buddy, he will not be a random either, as I read that anyway..............

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    I feel they are being unfair. I think they might have had a bad experience & made the rule to eliminate the chance of that kind of thing happening again. (We did it at one house when a random guy ripped us off. My roomies beat him up over the theft so it ended fine, but anyways, we quit taking roomies after that to avoid issues anymore.)

    I'd honestly go get a studio apartment so you can have your own space. & No weird rules/other people...

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    A quick update:

    I talked to A today in the group chat. She said that "C is just looking out for everyone" and "we don't have a lot of space" were reasons for the rule. When I countered that I imagine the space issue would still be a problem with female guests, she said again to talk to C. However, we continued the conversation amicably for a short while, checking in and sharing relevant updates. C still has not logged on since posting the six rules.

    As for suggestions about getting my own place, that's really not possible at this time. I'm scraping together what I can just to get reasonably geared for work (five thongs, two outfits, one pair of shoes, and one garter) and get wherever I'm going. My first night or two on the job will be to earn what I call my "exit strategy fund." After that, everything not necessary for my immediate survival (like food/rent/bills) will be divvied up into a variety of savings to fully get myself back on my own feet and into either a place of my own or a much better planned shared lease.
    Exotic dancing is like any other job.
    If you work in an office, you wear dress shoes and a suit.
    If you work in a restaraunt, you wear skid resistant shoes and a uniform.
    If you work in a strip club, you wear 7" stilettos and lycra g-strings.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    I can understand the "No sketchy people rule" because we had that rule in our group home. But "No random guys for sexual purposes." I find this flat out control and pretty sexist. Random girls are okay, so he can jerk off to it or something? Is it safety issues? Is it flat out alpha male bullshit?

    If it's a safety issue, how about make good judgments on the people you bring home, male or female. You ladies are responsible to make the decision on what random penis you want to have sex with. Women can be just as bad as men. My old roommate had an one night stand with this chick he met at a bar. Woke up to find she stole several expensive electronics and his dog.





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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Quote Originally Posted by audritwo View Post
    my old roommate had an one night stand with this chick he met at a bar. Woke up to find she stole several expensive electronics and his dog.
    priceless! ;d
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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard


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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    But girls are cool..huh? If you pay your portion of rent for a place to stay you should have the right to have anyone you choose in YOUR room. Wtf? I hate living with people I am not familiar sharing territory with..I'll stick to my video games and one chill roommate.

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  38. #24
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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Update time! C finally logged on and cleared up my concerns.

    Contrary to what A led me to believe, it's not a double standard. Why she said females were okay when guys aren't is beyond us, and I can only assume that it was one of her occasional attempts at breaking rules if no one checks her on it. The real rule is no guest (male or female) overnight that hasn't at least met every member of the household; no sexual activity with guests, unless we give everyone a heads up a day or two in advance so it might be accommodated, because of the privacy issues of so little space.

    When it comes to everyone contributing to the house in some way, we are all expected to pay equal shares of the rent/bills but there is some leeway because it's not always easy to find vanilla jobs. Anyone not working will be expected to help out in other ways (like doing the grocery shopping, laundry, occasionally cooking, the sort of general cleaning that falls through the cracks of cleaning up after yourself) while actively looking for a job and/or going to school.
    Exotic dancing is like any other job.
    If you work in an office, you wear dress shoes and a suit.
    If you work in a restaraunt, you wear skid resistant shoes and a uniform.
    If you work in a strip club, you wear 7" stilettos and lycra g-strings.

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    Default Re: Don't agree with potential roommates' double standard

    Glad it is not as bad as you feared. On caution I can think of. How bad is the communication between people who live in the same building that this could not be sorted out in minutes? Just something to think about when dealing with things in the future

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