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Thread: I need someone...anyone right now.

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    Default I need someone...anyone right now.

    I recently woke up from a nightmare involving my mom. To start, a little background about my mother..
    We lived in family home..she use to be caring, loving and giving when it came to trying to provide for me once she worked so hard to move.
    There was screaming, throwing, trying to break door handles to get in, fighting that I remember hiding under a desk table with the door locked listening to it all at age of 6.
    I felt we both were free from all the abuse, but she met a man who she came to fall in love with that later verbally/threatened and abused me.
    My mother in short chose him over me and after much begging I had to leave home on my own the day after my 18th birthday without anyone knowing. She moved states away and had two half sisters..
    I had moved back in with the fighting, yelling, lies and stealing but, it was far less worse than what I was experiencing living with my mother's and her boyfriend. I was also unable to eat as we could not afford food, but she scraped pennies for alcohol.
    I didn't speak to my mother for over 7 years and she would bring up memories of being in the hospital with me when trying to have a reconnection. (I had a lot of mental health problems and she stayed by my side for it being painful.) She could never admit what happened.

    The nightmare
    ------------------

    I was at a party with family and friends, everything was fine when my mother appeared with other friends next to my aunt who is the same age.
    Her face went from warm (what I once knew and miss) to angry, shadowed and mean. She laughed under her breath and said it was all my fault with a familiar sly, careless expression she showed while the abuse was taking place from under her.
    She moved throughout the party gossiping how horrible kid I was to have to raise. Terrible shame I was born, strain I caused being a mistake to burden.
    There was so much hate behind it.

    I woke up in a sweat as I became closer to my mother following her through the party. Though at first it didn't seem to bother me, after laying down with my boyfriend I couldn't seem to burst out in tears. I wanted to have my mother in my life and I miss her when she was one. I miss the soft, warm hugs, telling me everything will be okay, having mother and daughter days. I feel so terrible having nightmares of my mother it really hurts. (You know the pain that when you start crying you can feel your throat tighten and a knot that just sits there till you release it.) I just wanted to know if anyone relate to this? I feel alone. Thank you for taking the time to read.

    Also sorry for all the whining, lol..
    Last edited by BambiCutieSlimePrincess; 03-31-2015 at 11:00 PM.

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  3. #2
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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    I just wanted to say that I hope you are ok. Nightmares are horrible, but worse when they touch on real life nightmares. Hugs x
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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    I dont 100% relate OP but I'm sorry you experienced this. I will admit though that I somewhat relate. My mother is in my life but I do miss when I was young and we were really close. I have memories of us having fun together before I was old enough to go to school. I remember writing her letters saying how much I missed her when she was at work all night. We were just very very close. Now that I'm older I have no relationship with her. After I turned 18 I felt she had a resentment with me for still living at home. She moved out at 18 and supported herself through school so its like she lost respect for me for not doing the same. Anytime we're around each other we are fighting and it's like we aren't even related anymore. She is also an alcoholic and there have been so many times where I had to carry her to bed so she wouldn't freeze passed out in the backyard or make sure she could even make it to bed without knocking her head out from falling. I had a fight over Facebook with her and all of her friends over me being ungrateful and a loser and taking advantage of her and she told me to move out and grow up.. it hurt because I felt like we should've had a conversation but she chose to make it public and allow all of her friends to join in and talk shit about me. We really have no connection anymore and when I think of all of the things we've done together over the past it's like it was with a different person. So.. I do feel your pain somewhat OP. Relationships change whether its family or not. I don't have much advice but you're definitely not alone. I hope your bf is supportive and listens to you. I have a bf and I talk to him sometimes about these things and it is helpful.

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by 22lligm View Post
    I dont 100% relate OP but I'm sorry you experienced this. I will admit though that I somewhat relate. My mother is in my life but I do miss when I was young and we were really close. I have memories of us having fun together before I was old enough to go to school. I remember writing her letters saying how much I missed her when she was at work all night. We were just very very close. Now that I'm older I have no relationship with her. After I turned 18 I felt she had a resentment with me for still living at home. She moved out at 18 and supported herself through school so its like she lost respect for me for not doing the same. Anytime we're around each other we are fighting and it's like we aren't even related anymore. She is also an alcoholic and there have been so many times where I had to carry her to bed so she wouldn't freeze passed out in the backyard or make sure she could even make it to bed without knocking her head out from falling. I had a fight over Facebook with her and all of her friends over me being ungrateful and a loser and taking advantage of her and she told me to move out and grow up.. it hurt because I felt like we should've had a conversation but she chose to make it public and allow all of her friends to join in and talk shit about me. We really have no connection anymore and when I think of all of the things we've done together over the past it's like it was with a different person. So.. I do feel your pain somewhat OP. Relationships change whether its family or not. I don't have much advice but you're definitely not alone. I hope your bf is supportive and listens to you. I have a bf and I talk to him sometimes about these things and it is helpful.
    " It's like it was with a different person." That has been the feeling I haven't been sure how to accept through intensive therapy. It says a lot and made me feel calm enough to collect myself. I cried it out and after reading the posts I can say that it really helped me pick myself up out of the grief. Also thanks Olive for the support and "Nightmares are horrible, but worse when they touch on real life nightmares." should write that down as a key reminder! Saved me a night of hell and no sleep, lol!

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    Hugs. We are here for you

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    Our circumstances may be completely different, but I've had some absolutely wicked nightmares about my Mom since her passing. "Nightmare" doesn't really describe it adequately. With a nightmare, I wake up, I'm upset for a while, and then I realize it was just a dream and go back to sleep. This, though, was like having the absolute worst memory of my entire life forged into a hot dagger and plunged into my soul when I was at my most defenseless. I was shaky for about two days after the worst one, afraid to go to sleep.

    It's gotten a little easier with the passage of time- a lot of time. I'm not sure any advice I offer can help, but therapy has been good for me. I quit drinking. And I have a couple of cats that stay by my side every night.

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    I can soo relate to this. I just had a stomach-boiling conversation with my aunt about my relationship with my mother.

    All I have to say- now that I'm grown I empathize with my mother. I feel bad for her. I realize the reasons she was the way she was.

    With that being said, I have a right to feel the way I want to feel. NO ONE can tell me how to feel about her...

    I would advise you speak to a counselor AND treat yourself at home (kindly) with self care. Acknowledge the hurt, bring the healing. It can be in the form of dank weed, chanting, good food, meditation....whatever. Be good to yourself.

    Oddly enough after years of negative solutions to my emotional issues (drinking, complaining, hating, reckless sex) I am now discovering how GOOD and wholesome positive healing can be. The relief stays with me, whereas negative solutions were a merry go round that brought me back to the same starting point.

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by SnuffleUffleGrass View Post
    I can soo relate to this. I just had a stomach-boiling conversation with my aunt about my relationship with my mother.

    All I have to say- now that I'm grown I empathize with my mother. I feel bad for her. I realize the reasons she was the way she was.

    With that being said, I have a right to feel the way I want to feel. NO ONE can tell me how to feel about her...

    I would advise you speak to a counselor AND treat yourself at home (kindly) with self care. Acknowledge the hurt, bring the healing. It can be in the form of dank weed, chanting, good food, meditation....whatever. Be good to yourself.

    Oddly enough after years of negative solutions to my emotional issues (drinking, complaining, hating, reckless sex) I am now discovering how GOOD and wholesome positive healing can be. The relief stays with me, whereas negative solutions were a merry go round that brought me back to the same starting point.
    Thank you, I made it a top priority to setup therapy for June so it won't be too long now. Thank you so much for sharing it has helped so much!

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    On the subject of nightmares...


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    God/dess Elektra Luxx's Avatar
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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by R-209 View Post
    On the subject of nightmares...

    Wow! Such a beautiful, touching picture.
    Last edited by Elektra Luxx; 04-02-2015 at 09:10 PM. Reason: correction

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by BambiCutieSlimePrincess View Post
    " It's like it was with a different person." That has been the feeling I haven't been sure how to accept through intensive therapy. It says a lot and made me feel calm enough to collect myself. I cried it out and after reading the posts I can say that it really helped me pick myself up out of the grief. Also thanks Olive for the support and "Nightmares are horrible, but worse when they touch on real life nightmares." should write that down as a key reminder! Saved me a night of hell and no sleep, lol!
    Here's BIG virtual hug! I KNOW what you're talking about. You have to be patient with yourself because you are in mourning over the death a significant relationship. It's as if a bunch of your family members/support system died in a car crash. That's a lot of loss to process physically and it will be very painful physically and will present a LOT of challenges to replace the support that should have been there. Look for info online about divorcing your parents and abandonment. Both subjects will have a lot to offer.

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    Default Re: I need someone...anyone right now.

    Quote Originally Posted by SnuffleUffleGrass View Post

    Oddly enough after years of negative solutions to my emotional issues (drinking, complaining, hating, reckless sex) I am now discovering how GOOD and wholesome positive healing can be. The relief stays with me, whereas negative solutions were a merry go round that brought me back to the same starting point.
    I've certainly seen that movie and I wish I could have just gotten the emotional support and nurturing in a platonic, healthy way as well.
    “What a caterpillar calls the end of the world we call a butterfly.” - ECKHART TOLLE

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