I recently woke up from a nightmare involving my mom. To start, a little background about my mother..
We lived in family home..she use to be caring, loving and giving when it came to trying to provide for me once she worked so hard to move.
There was screaming, throwing, trying to break door handles to get in, fighting that I remember hiding under a desk table with the door locked listening to it all at age of 6.
I felt we both were free from all the abuse, but she met a man who she came to fall in love with that later verbally/threatened and abused me.
My mother in short chose him over me and after much begging I had to leave home on my own the day after my 18th birthday without anyone knowing. She moved states away and had two half sisters..
I had moved back in with the fighting, yelling, lies and stealing but, it was far less worse than what I was experiencing living with my mother's and her boyfriend. I was also unable to eat as we could not afford food, but she scraped pennies for alcohol.
I didn't speak to my mother for over 7 years and she would bring up memories of being in the hospital with me when trying to have a reconnection. (I had a lot of mental health problems and she stayed by my side for it being painful.) She could never admit what happened.
The nightmare
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I was at a party with family and friends, everything was fine when my mother appeared with other friends next to my aunt who is the same age.
Her face went from warm (what I once knew and miss) to angry, shadowed and mean. She laughed under her breath and said it was all my fault with a familiar sly, careless expression she showed while the abuse was taking place from under her.
She moved throughout the party gossiping how horrible kid I was to have to raise. Terrible shame I was born, strain I caused being a mistake to burden.
There was so much hate behind it.
I woke up in a sweat as I became closer to my mother following her through the party. Though at first it didn't seem to bother me, after laying down with my boyfriend I couldn't seem to burst out in tears. I wanted to have my mother in my life and I miss her when she was one. I miss the soft, warm hugs, telling me everything will be okay, having mother and daughter days. I feel so terrible having nightmares of my mother it really hurts. (You know the pain that when you start crying you can feel your throat tighten and a knot that just sits there till you release it.) I just wanted to know if anyone relate to this? I feel alone. Thank you for taking the time to read.
Also sorry for all the whining, lol..



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