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Thread: Mom is on my last nerve

  1. #1
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    Default Mom is on my last nerve

    The title pretty much sums it up.

    Since my dad is gone, I'm the only family she has close by and is leaning on my pretty heavily for support. Not that I mind that so much but... For example, I have a cold. I've made that cold worse by going into work for the past 3 days. My mom texted me this morning and asked if I'm working today, to which I responded that I'm not sure, because I feel awful. She told me that I need to see my doctor because I'm sick all the time. WTF... I have a cold. People get those and it's normal. The last time I was sick was when I had the flu a couple weeks after my dad died. Getting sick during cold and flu season... Not a big shocker. There always has to be something wrong with me.

    She's also really judgemental. This sounds horrible and I'd never bring this up to her but she was really nasty to Pops right before he died. He had the flu and she was giving him shit about faking it for attention and that "feeling good is a decision." The man was dying of multiple organ failure and he'd had congestive heart failure for 10 years. His ejection fraction was 18. He was scheduled to go to Mayo clinic for an LVAD in a few days. He's going to feel like shit and no amount of deciding not to is going to change that.

    She also saw something about emotional eating on Dr Oz and decided that he was an emotional eater, constantly complaining about it and giving him shit for it. He was on a LOT of medication that made him feel awful. Now that he's gone, her friend is now the emotional eater. She's done this for decades. She once saw something on Oprah about kids being "allergic" to milk, sugar and eggs, decided that it pertained to my brother and started screwing with his diet, until that phase passed and she was on some other kick.

    She's also incredibly self absorbed. I didn't handle cancer as well as she thought I should, so she left in a snit. Before she left, she whined about not liking the weather in Seattle and that her knee hurt. She actually said to me "Don't you want me to feel good?" Bitch, I want to survive a potentially fatal illness and you're more concerned about your fucking knee being sore? She also threw me out of the house because I wasn't working enough for her satisfaction. It was the middle of the summer slow season and, in order not to lose money, I was picky about the shifts I worked. But, she thought that I was being lazy, so she threatened to throw my cats out in coyote country if I wasn't out of the house in an hour. I took a swing at her for that one. There I was, loading my stuff into the car, crying my eyes out and she's laughing and acting like nothing's wrong. I called her on it later and told me that it was time for me to get my own place, because they wanted yo use my room for a media room. I was homeless and living in a shitty motel for three weeks, because she wanted a media room right this minute.

    Now, if I bring any of this up, she will swear up and down that she didn't do anything wrong and it's everybody elses fault. She always has an excuse and, if she gets cornered, she'll hang up, stop responding to texts or leave the room.

    At this point, I don't really know why I still have anything to do with her besides the fact that she's my mother and I love her. I feel like I have to be there for her, partly because she's alone now and partly because Pops would want me to. It just wears on me and I don't know how to cope with it anymore.

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    Maybe you are too close to the situation to see clearly.

    Read what you wrote and think how you would feel if a good friend was telling you about being treated this way. I was horrified at the things she has done to you and your father. She sounds like a sociopath.

    Seems to me you would be better off spending as little time as possible dealing with her.


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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    I wouldn't go so far as to think she's a sociopath and I don't think she meets most of the diagnostic criteria. She definitely has some strong narcissistic traits.

    Somebody has to help her out and be there. I just don't really know how to deal with it anymore.

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    Not sure whether she is a sociopath or not but she definitely sounds like she has mental illness. She lacks empathy for other people - which happens to be a a characteristic of a sociopath, narcissist, or autism (not diagnosis just saying that is one of the qualities).

    Its tough but unless they are getting help in therapy then only thing you can do is let whatever they say go in one ear and out the other or spend less time with them.

    I can totally relate though. My mom gets on my nerves all the [email protected] time. The way she treated me as a kid was borderline abuse. Heck it was abuse - if I would have called CPS on her im sure I would have had a case. She called me a b*tch when I was 13 and slapped me in the face as I was leaving to get on the school bus - all over some silly argument. She also whooped me in my sleep for leaving a dish in the sink. She was on some Mommy Dearest type sh*t. And she didn't like wire hangers either. And to make it worse she remembers nothing about her abusive ways. Riiiight now you have selective amnesia?!?!

    Its hard because they are your family and you can't ditch them or hate them as easily as friends or associates. Just love them from a distance, create and stick to boundaries, and try not to let what they say or do upset you.
    Last edited by miss.a.p1600; 04-04-2015 at 11:58 PM.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    Absent a formal diagnosis, and there will probably never will be, I operate under the suspicion that, at the very least, she has narcissistic tendencies. She can show empathy, as long as the situation relates to her somehow. She can empathise when my back hurts, because she has similar back pain. She can't empathize when I have a migraine, because she's never had anything past a mild tension headache. She can go to work with one of her headaches, so I'm being a lazy brat when I want to curl up and die.

    I don't even want to go into the shit she did to me as a child. I went through years of therapy to deal with it and made my counselor cry on a regular basis. My adoptive father was more brutal, but the psychological damage she did was astounding.

    At this point, she relies on me for some things that she can't do anymore, like some housekeeping chores, making a Costco trip, fixing things around the house and to help her make important decisions. I definitely don't mind doing it but I'm getting tired of the manipulation and judgement. Not only about me, but everyone she knows. The trash she talks makes the SC locker room look saintly in comparison.

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    ugggh a few of my female relatives are like this. Thanks to a convo I had with my maternal aunt a few days ago, I am sure I will be shit-talked over the Easter dinner table today.

    From my experience...the healthiest thing to do is to move out and only contact her very occasionally...keep her at arm's length. Yeah she's your mother BUT a lot of the history/behavior you posted in the OP sounds toxic to live with....

    You can live cheaply by renting a room somewhere and picking up part time work in addition to stripping. Save for emergencies & you won't even have to ask her for help anymore.

    I can add more later but for now, I can tell you from past experience...people like your mom only feel "right" when they are taking a bite out of someone else. Don't be the pirahna's meal!

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    Could you or her hire someone to do the housekeeping for her? This way you won't have to be 'in the trenches'.

    Or just ask if she can occupy herself with whatever hobby she likes while you help her with the housekeeping. So you don't have to listen to her try to manipulate and judge you. The fact that she relies on your help means you have more leverage than you realize. You could flat out say no you won't help her because she is behaving in a way that offends you. And then what would she do? She would be forced to change or find someone else to help her.

    Unfortunately you can't change people but what you can change is how you react to them. Put up some boundaries my friend, your sanity will thank you.
    “Cook for him like a housewife, fuck him good like a nympho….pay the rent and the car note, he invests in me like crypto”

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    It's hard to deal with parents b/c most people's stupid kneejerk reaction is "You HAVE to care for your father and mother." Well TBH once you are 18 you have no obligation to do shit for your parents unless you WANT to......

    Start saving to move out & start having conversations about her behavior. Either she improves or she doesn't.

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    I don't live with her anymore. She threw me out in August and, after finding out that my new boyfriend had a serious drug habit he expected me to subsidize, I moved into a motel. I was able to find an apartment pretty quickly, but had to wait a while for a unit to be ready and come up with acceptable proof of income. When I told her the situation, it didn't really phase her that much.

    As far as the cleaning goes, I could hire someone but she's so incredibly picky that it's honestly easier to just do it myself. I finally found her a hairstylist that she likes, so I'm not cutting her hair, but I still do her color.

    It's the non stop complaining and criticism, as well as erasure of the past. As far as she's concerned, she's a wonderful mother and any problems we had are either our flaws or the fault of our father, who was a nasty drunk. She "doesn't remember" the verbal abuse, the beatings, the hysterical fits she'd throw over nothing, humiliating me in public, including at school so everybody laughed at me over it. And that was when somebody was around. I was home alone after school most days until 7-8 pm. When my school counselor got worried, I was shipped off to what amounted to military school for juvenile delinquents. In her mind, none of that ever happened and she's earned all of this help because she did SO much for me.

    She's mellowed a lot but she's still hypercritical of everyone, a complete control freak and very much an elitist. I'm constantly being asked about going back to school, because she's already bragging about how I'm getting my DVM and how nice it'll be to have a doctor in the family.

    It's all just really exhausting and frustrating.

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    You mother is a monster.

    I have pretty much been in your shoes and I disowned my mother. I made my aunt really upset when I confessed I had "replaced" my mom with my bff's mom. But so fucking what. This is a free country & I don't have to associate with anyone I don't want to....even if I came out of that person.

    The saddest thing of all is even though my mom is sedentary and medicated, she still finds hurtful things to say to people just to get kicks. Some people never change.

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    ^ yup your mom sounds like mine matter of fact. It's sickening that our owm mother's could turn out to be so cruel & abusive towards us growing up & even after we're grown. I have pretty much cut my mom off & have been keeping her at arm's length bc she too gets on my last nerve & I also suspect she is a sociopath. I've been avoiding all of her calls until the other day I picked up & thought it can't hurt this time coz I'm in an ok mood & it had been awhile since I talked to her, but nope what a mistake that was. She was asking me how I was doing & when I was honest & told her how I'd been in a financial slump living in a motel yada yada, she replies with "well, honey you don't help yourself". That entire sentance pissed me off to the point that I hung up on her real quick. She seems to thrive on kicking me when I'm down & I'll always hate her for that & want to dissasociate myself from her. She's never been independent in her life except maybe on her men and yet loves to tell me over & over that this job isn't for me & I need to get a real one & I'll never have anything of my own & I live like a gypsy yada yada yada. She was cruel to me when I was growing up also by telling me I was fat or I was stupid or that I looked stupid. It seems to piss her off that I grew up to be independent & can drive across country by meslf & live on my own instead of looking to a man to do it for me. I say keep her at arm's length & talk to her as sparing;y as possible, it'll seriously drive you crazy if you keep talking to her on a normal basis.
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    I've come to accept that some parents just grow to hate their children. It's a taboo subject when the worst, most hated headlines in American press are about bad abusive parents.....but parents are human and humans are fallible.

    A fellow dancer confided in me that her mom was always mean to her & I guessed it was probably b/c having her daughter (the dancer) made her life much harder. Her mom projected her frustration on the nearest target (an innocent child.) Thank God the dancer was normal, beautiful and successful.

    I don't want to dwell on this topic, but IMO, in this nation, if you want to lose someone's number & never talk to them again, you have the law on your side. You owe relatives nothing unless you WANT them in your life....

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    Just got back from Easter dinner. It wasn't terrible, but slightly embarassing.

    I don't think I can bring myself to disown her or anything like that. She has medical issues and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if anything happened to her.

    After the requisite holiday phone call to her mother (technically my grandmother, but I barely know the woman) I think I can see where this is coming from.

    I have to just get better at blowing it off. SC customers can say the most offensive shit to me and I could care less. My mom... hurts like crazy.

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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    ^ well i just saw on my sister's fb page where my mom had pretty much posted on her page that she was def her fave child & how she was the "most faithful one that always remembered mother's Day" even though I had called her right before.... SMH
    "Alot of people are afraid to say what they want, that's why they don't get what they want"~ Madonna




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    Default Re: Mom is on my last nerve

    I can relate. Sometimes, it seems as though it's a jealous tension. The fact is, our mother's have created a better, younger version of them self, that she strives to break down, instead of trying to build us up. Consistently trying to overpower, and undermine our decisions; the emotional and physically abuse can be hard to let go of. I think it's because women of this generation are more open-minded, intelligent, independent, free willed, and it truly intimidates them. Kirakonstantin & Miss.a.p1600 , both of your stories are very similar to mine.

    xxxGothicBarbie , I am on the verge of making that decision myself. It's toxic behavior that really shouldn't be tolerated by anyone. It's disrespectful, belittling, bad for our overall emotional/physical well-being. Especially as adults, their should be a mutual level of respect. Regardless, if it is your blood or some ignorant fuckhead at the club. Don't let someone mess with your state of mind.

    Good luck to you ladies!!!

    And people think dancers have Daddy issues... pffft

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