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Thread: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

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    Featured Member Odette's Avatar
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    Default I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    I moved in with a girl I've worked with for almost 2 years 6 weeks ago. I always knew she could get crazy with drinking sometimes...but I didn't realise that is was a daily occurance. She's been going through a tough time, but this is getting ridiculous. She lost her job at the bar I met her at, and she's been sent home a few times from the other bar we both work at. She's always ranging from buzzed-super drunk. Like losing her stuff drunk. Last night I looked at my phone at the end of my shift and there were a bunch of messages from her about how she lost her wallet and it had so much of "our" rent in it. Thank god she found it. I stayed 20 minutes after close to look for it but you know...whatever no biggie...I also think she might be sleeping with customers. So far I've seen 2 that she's brought home :s Which I am not pleased about because I made it pretty clear before we moved in together what my boundaries were, customers in my house are a big fucking nono. She's always staying at "friends" houses...and I;m starting to think that means customers too. This is such a mess. She's a really sweet girl but this train is about to go off a cliff and I have enough on my plate already. I want to help her but I don't know what to do. I drink a decent amount too but I've never been fired from a club because of it, took home customers, been sent home, etc. I feel like if I bring up the issue it will be really easy for her to say something along the lines of "you're not better than me". But it's like...I can handle my liquor and pace myself and clearly you can't. Also I have to keep my booze in my room or she will help herself to it and if we come home after work together she's always asking me for booze, cigarettes, like girl, we're friends, but this is MY shit. Buy your own or don't indulge. I'm stuck with her for the next 4 months so it's not like I can just do nothing or move to avoid dealing with the situation. If anyone's ever dealt with this I'd really appreciate the advice. Ironically my last friend I lived with that also danced had similar issues, and I'm kicking myself for getting into this situation AGAIN. I did not handle it well last time though, and blew my fuse in the end and want to handle it better this time around. Why is it so fucking hard to find a nice, fun, at least semi-responsible roomate rrrrrr!
    Last edited by Odette; 04-25-2015 at 04:29 AM.
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    Banned Melonie's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    ^^^ I'd start with an objective evaluation regarding how HER activities could directly affect YOU ...

    - is she potentially giving LE reason to show up at your shared apartment as a result of her pay 4 play activities ?

    - is she potentially exposing you to 'guilt by association', by pay 4 play taking place in an apartment leased in YOUR name ? By potentially causing a 'scene' at a place where you work ?

    - is she potentially exposing you to direct financial losses i.e. 'losing' her share of your rent money, asking for 'nickel and dime' money, or using your personal stuff, which adds up to significant dollars ?

    - is she potentially exposing you to indirect financial losses i.e. getting booted by your landlord with associated damage to credit rating ?

    - is she potentially exposing your personal possessions to increased risk of being 'ripped off' by guys she is bringing into your shared apartment ?

    - is she potentially exposing you to physical violence if she, or more likely her 'friends', decide to 'lose it' if you cross her in any way ?


    I've been in a somewhat similar situation at one time in the past ... although the 'secret' addiction involved was drugs not alcohol. She is what she is ... an addict ... and no efforts on your part are going to successfully change that - at least not in the short term. I also hope that your situation ends up better than mine did. One day I returned to the apartment to discover that every single object of value that wasn't 'nailed down' was missing ... including MY computer, TV, video game, jewelry, clothes, etc. ... because people my roommate had wound up owing money to had decided to 'foreclose'. I was never able to recover any of those 'stolen' goods, and wound up having to bring myself to LE attention by having to report the 'robbery'. And for the last 3 months of the lease I had to shoulder 100% of the rent payments and utility bills myself to avoid having bad credit / bad reference problems because my name was also on the lease and utility accounts.


    Why is it so fucking hard to find a nice, fun, at least semi-responsible roomate rrrrrr!
    In today's world, and especially so in our industry, everyone is so used to projecting 'personas' that it's extremely difficult to figure out what a person is REALLY like !!! From potential roommates to potential bf's, finding out what the person is really like these days only seems to happen after you live with them for a while. Of course, once you've gone down that road, it's usually too late to 'backtrack' without some sort of s#!tstorm.

    Also, generally speaking, SW girls are part of a relatively small minority of girls involved in the adult entertainment industry that have some common sense, a decent amount of brains, some self-respect, and some sort of plans / goals for their lives. Unfortunately, the majority of girls involved in our industry seem to be more concerned with 'living for the moment' ... which is inherently selfish, as well as inconsiderate ( if not downright 'oblivious' ) of their potential negative fallout affecting others around them. This conclusion caused me to swear off roommates ( as well as serious bf's ).
    Last edited by Melonie; 04-25-2015 at 07:28 AM.

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    Bringing customers home??

    Ugh... Wow. That's so selfish of her to risk not only her,but your safety as well.
    I have never been in a situation like that so no idea what to advice - but I am really sorry,you are going through it. *hugs*

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    I had a somewhat similar roommate experience. Two actually. Not quite as bad, but same thing - alcoholics/party people. Constantly bringing shady people home, making a mess, being a mess, taking my alcohol/cigarettes/food, never paid me the right amount for bills and always late on rent. Like Melonie said - she is what she is which is an addict, and you're not gonna be able to snap her out of that. The best you can do is bring up the issues that are majorly affecting you without blaming it on her drinking, set those boundaries as best you can, and protect yourself until the lease is up and you can get out.

    I bought a lock for my bedroom door and kept everything I owned in the bedroom. If I bought alcohol, I either hid it in the trunk of my car until they were gone and i wanted it or I bought cheap shit that I didn't care if they stole half of. I started buying menthol cigarettes because I knew nobody would smoke those. I started buying all the vegetarian and vegan shit I could because I also knew nobody would eat that, and kept soda, chips, and stuff like that in my room. I kinda just let the money thing go - if someone was 20 bucks short on bills, I just sucked it up rather than get in an argument. In one case, if my roommate was gonna be late on rent, I sometimes paid it only because I knew such a large sum of money would make her guilty enough to actually pay it back (but I maybe wouldn't recommend it in your situation). Is any of this shit fair or cool? No. But if you only have 4 months left, I feel like it's better to bite the bullet on some things rather than cause a scene with an obviously unstable person who might just double down on her bad behavior if you accuse her.

    As far as customers in the apartment goes though, you have every right to put your foot down on that. But I wouldn't blame it on her being drunk. Just keep reinforcing that it's not ok, not ever, and that you will get up to enforce the rule and kick them out if she brings them home.
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    I've had experience w/ addicts, & it's pretty much been the same outcome every time. Whether her actions stem from her drinking, or whatever else, or however sweet or good of a person she is otherwise, is beside the point. Trying to further enforce your boundaries will be a losing battle. She's not an idiot, she's a grown-ass woman who doesn't care, & you don't deserve to be saddled w/ the consequences of her bad choices. I would do whatever I could to get out of that lease & leave her ass behind, even if it means throwing her under the bus to your landlord.

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    1) you could game the system with the landlord by getting into a verbal fight with this girl, then say you don't feel safe around her & need to be let out of the lease because of that. However some landlords are more evil than others & might not honor that. You need to see what your state laws allow.

    2) you could bribe her to leave & get her name taken off the lease.

    3) easiest solution- just avoid her for 4 months. Tell the landlord you are going to pay out to the end of lease to maintain your credit but you don't wanna be around her. HOWEVER if she is like any of the drunk trainwreck bitches I have worked with....she might cause damages to the unit or break things to "get back at you" & then the landlord will just charge YOU for the losses (I doubt she would be able to pay a judgement, seeing as she sounds pretty unstable and messed up.)

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    [
    I kinda just let the money thing go - if someone was 20 bucks short on bills, I just sucked it up rather than get in an argument. In one case, if my roommate was gonna be late on rent, I sometimes paid it only because I knew such a large sum of money would make her guilty enough to actually pay it back (but I maybe wouldn't recommend it in your situation). Is any of this shit fair or cool? No. But if you only have 4 months left, I feel like it's better to bite the bullet on some things rather than cause a scene with an obviously unstable person who might just double down on her bad behavior if you accuse her.
    Same decision in my case. Not worth risking potential violence or damages, or losing dancing income as a result of a 'scene' at work, in exchange for a couple of thousand bucks in extra rent / utility bills etc. But I also wasn't facing a potential bust risk with pay 4 play happening in my apartment, either.

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    Featured Member Odette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    ^I'm in Canada, so technically with the new laws she's not doing anything illegal. Her men could get busted. But her ass is fine. Thankfully my most expensive possessions are my sewing equipment, which I don't think anyone would steal (my machines are 300+ lbs), my laptop is 2 years old so no temptations really there, but I have stopped leaving significant amounts of cash around. I used to do depoisits twice a month or so now I'm going every week, and carrying it to my other job as well, which is soooo fun because my wallet got stolen there in january with $300 in it. Thankfully I have an arrangement with her is an all inclusive one (she pays an even split instead of less than half for the smaller bedroom and I take care of our utilities), so if she owes money to anyone it will be the landlord, who I warned her already, is a hard ass. As for damages...it's a pretty shitty apartment, unless she breaks a window or something...I guess nothing is out of the question though. Customers in the house really bug me though. I'm so upset she blatantly disregarded my boundaries AFTER I sat down and explained them to her. And I don' think they're paying for anything. I think she's just being dumb. They're all young, relatively attractive dudes but jesus like go out to a regular bar after work for your pickups. You shouldn't shit where you eat anyways.
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    I'm gonna be brutally honest with you...I have VERY little sympathy for alcoholics and addicts of any sort. I've known so many people like that in my life, including an ex boyfriend of mine. I understand some people truly have demons and feel the need to drink to escape their sorrows. I can sympathize with that to an extent...but eventually, it just gets pathetic! No adult person should think that its okay to live their lives like that and expect other people to coddle them as if they are a child. It is selfish, immature, and just stupid! Like grow the fuck up. Most of the alcoholics/addicts I have known were not people with legitimate problems. They WERE the problem! And I did not need them to become a problem in MY life. So I cut them off. I'm a young girl, I'm not anyones mother or babysitter. Your roomate is NOT your responsibility and she should NOT expect you to put up with her shit (especially since she is so inconsiderate of you). The best advice I can give to anyone in your situation is to give the person tough love and cut them off. I know some may think its extreme, but I've learned from experience that some people just cannot be given too many chances. they are too selfish and immature to accept and appreciate the kindness of other people. You should give her an ultimatum, get help before her problem becomes much worse, or get out. If your name is the primary name on the lease, I'm sure you can do that, and tell her to find someone else to live with.

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    ^ She didn't respect the boundries that you started out with so what makes you think she will honour other boundries (such as paying her way) the further down the track you go?

    I'm with Melonie here- the potential losses and damage to your credit rating far outweigh 4 months of rent; seriously, what has to happen for you to realise how risky a position you are in?

    I would be getting some legal advice and keeping records of her actions. This is going to get worse I can feel it! Get out or get her out- you already have your reason with the custies coming back.
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    As a person who lived w/2 alcoholic roomates, I can tell you it was pure hell. I lived there (got it off cl) cause I had no where else to go..stayed there for a year, then moved out (even tho @ the time I had nowhere to go)..
    I was so scared, the one guy had ppl over day & nite, constantly..one day I came home to a cop in the living room, a parole officer..a 'friend' of the one guy, who lied & said the friend was going to live there..
    I was always so scared they'd set the place afire, they smoked & could've fallen asleep w/a lit cig..the one guy cooked & boiled a pot dry, twice
    Never 2nd guess what someone will do/steal/etc. Mine try to lock me out & take my 5+yr old computer, I was ready for their ass w/the cops though
    How do you know one of her 'friends'/custy or not will turn violent & trash the place or worse?
    I'd GTFO NOW or her GTFO, a lot can happen in 4 months


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    Featured Member Odette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    I can't get out right now. I wrote my landlord a cheque for first and last rent for the new lease that starts next month that is getting cashed on May 1, and after that and my student loan bill and cell phone bill I'll be pretty much tapped out until I make more. I make a decent amount dancing part time (I do 2-3 shifts a week) but it will still take me a month or two to save enough to leave (first and last AGAIN for the new place, plus rent for this place, that's like months worth :s). IF things get really bad I could leave and stay with my parents for a while but...we don't have the most stable relationship and they are big control freaks and I would not be able to dance while living with them so that would be a WORST WORST case scenario. I also have another job at the moment so it's not like I can just double down and work a bunch of shifts at the club to save up in a week or two, if the option was there I'd do it. I also cannot afford to spend money on legal advice for the same reasons.

    As far as credit goes, since we are both on the lease then my credit should not be affected if she gets behind on rent correct? As long as I pay my half I should be fine? I have been going with that assumption, but if I'm wrong that's a whole other ball game...
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    As far as credit goes, since we are both on the lease then my credit should not be affected if she gets behind on rent correct? As long as I pay my half I should be fine? I have been going with that assumption, but if I'm wrong that's a whole other ball game...
    I hate to say this, but unless two separate lease documents exist, with each separately listing that the single lessee is responsible for paying half of the X total dollar's in rent, you're likely to have problems. If the lease document has two names and a single X total dollars in rent, both named persons can be held responsible for non-payment of the X total dollars, and both named persons are subject to negative credit bureau reporting and a negative reference from the landlord if the X total dollars isn't paid in a timely manner.

    Unfortunately, in the absence of specific legal documentation, any 'private' rent sharing arrangements made between you and your roommate have no 'official' standing with landlords, credit bureaus, future lenders, etc. You might be able to convince a small claims court to render a judgement in your favor based on a 'private' rent sharing arrangement ... which would probably not result in any actual recovery of unpaid rent money from a deadbeat roommate, but which COULD be used as 'official' documentation to try and clean up your credit rating after the fact, as well as explain the bad reference from your ( former ) landlord .
    Last edited by Melonie; 04-26-2015 at 02:44 AM.

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    ^Yeah, Melonie is right about the lease.

    Since you have a joint lease (rather than two separate ones each for your share of the rent), your jointly AND individually liable for the rent. The landlord has the right to enforce all of the obligations (ie. paying rent) against all or any of the tenants named in the lease.

    http://www.ltb.gov.on.ca/en/Law/STDPROD_092361.html

    So, if your roomie causes damage or refuses to pay rent -- and especially if the landlord knows they won't be able to collect from her -- they are well within their rights to try and collect from you.

    You could pursue a claim against your roommate, but good luck collecting even if it rules in your favour -- not to mention that you have to use your own time and money to go after her in the first place.

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    ^^ Yes and yes. The roommate that I said I would pay her rent sometimes - it was because the full share of the rent is technically any and all tenants' responsibility. They don't care who pays how much, but it all has to be paid. Even if you pay your own half, if the other half isn't paid, they'll evict you both. I constantly had the landlord at that apartment calling me to tell me that my roommate's rent was late - because it doesn't really matter who's paid on time or not - if any of it is late, then it's considered both your faults. And after I got out, they did proceed to tell a future landlord that I was always late on rent. When I explained that it wasn't me, but my roommate, she understood and let me sign anyway, but that is a potential future issue.
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    Featured Member Odette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    Awesome. So what I guess I basically have a 22 year old child on my hands until the end of August/ I can save to move and sublet. Wonderful.
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    Quote Originally Posted by Odette View Post
    Awesome. So what I guess I basically have a 22 year old child on my hands until the end of August/ I can save to move and sublet. Wonderful.
    I truly feel for you. I went through this in 2009 with TWO retarded alkie/drug addicts. I don't even want to dwell on it, it was the last time I allowed myself to get kicked in the face trying to help someone b/c there were kids in the picture......

    Chalk it up to a life lesson and never let it happen again...

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    The traditional approach to having an alcoholic friend is to print out your local AA meetings book (you can find them online or go to a local group and they will have some) and leave it with her. Other than that, there's not much else you can do. Addicts will quit when they're ready, and not a moment sooner. I'm currently struggling with the same issue with my ex boyfriend. I'm desperately trying to find a new place to live, because every single night I hear him from down the hall drinking and playing video games. Our landlord has even complained about his drinking. He screwed up his entire career which he had been working toward since he was 12 due to drug and alcohol abuse. I left him because of the drinking. His skin is falling apart due to a condition caused by excessive drinking. He's been sometimes pissing blood. He's struggling to pay his bills due to the high cost of liquor, and he even skips meals to try to avoid getting a beer belly. None of this has been enough for him to quit. I think he's going to end up on the streets before he's willing to admit he has a problem, and I have a feeling his liver will shut down before that happens.

    I told him how much it hurt me to see him self harm like that. I told him how much I cried worrying about him, how every night after we broke up I would silently sit outside his door to make sure he was okay. How I pray for him every night. And after all of that, he came to me the other day to ask me to stay with him - and he was drunk. I said, "Nope, we can't live together." I made the mistake of not leaving in that moment, and we ended up having sex. Afterward he said, "You liked that didn't you? It's only because I was drinking that I could go so long." I was absolutely appalled. He said, "What? It was only 3 drinks. You can't tell me that's a problem."

    The level of disrespect, selfishness and betrayal, after everything I've done and all the tears I've shed... This is what addiction does to people. He can't possibly love anyone as much as he loves the escape. He refuses to even see the harm which his actions create, in his life and others'. That's the mentality of an addict, and why you can't help them. You can only remove yourself from the situation.

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    A way you can make it easier for yourself is to call the cops on her if she does anything else and get her arrested. Once the law is involved, she will have no choice but to behave herself until you leave.

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    Have you tried Al-Anon?

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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    I've been debating bringing up AA to her. I would even be willing to go with her to a couple meetings and abstain myself if it would make things easier on her/stop drinking at all myself to be supportive and have a good environment to help her stop. I've been drinking more than usual myself since I finished uni because I don't have as many responsibilities but she cannot just have two or three drinks, we went over to a mutual friends' house a couple weeks ago (shannadior) and she downed a whole bottle of wine in less than a half hour something it takes me all night to do. She honestly has potential, went to college, has goals, I feel like she's putting them on hold in order to party. We have a lot in common, have not had an easy time being on our own since 19 and getting through school so part of me really feels like she is not a lost cause and just needs someone to believe in her and maybe give her some tough love like you girls mentioned. My last roomate with alcohol and drug issues I eventually lost my shit on and there were cops involved and it destroyed our friendship. This time if possible I would like to be more proactive and attempt to salvage the friendship. Mentioning AA is probably the best way to go I'm just not sure the most effective way to do this. Intervention? She has a lot of friends from the bar that care about her...how well would having a group style interventon probably work?
    "We can't expect you to just know all the secrets of our top-secret-titty-club!" --Jenna Marbles

  32. #22
    God/dess whirlerz's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    You could try it (grp intervention) but if she's determined to keep @ it, it won't work. Good Luck!


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  34. #23
    Veteran Member zoezoebelle's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    Quote Originally Posted by Odette View Post
    I've been debating bringing up AA to her. I would even be willing to go with her to a couple meetings and abstain myself if it would make things easier on her/stop drinking at all myself to be supportive and have a good environment to help her stop. I've been drinking more than usual myself since I finished uni because I don't have as many responsibilities but she cannot just have two or three drinks, we went over to a mutual friends' house a couple weeks ago (shannadior) and she downed a whole bottle of wine in less than a half hour something it takes me all night to do. She honestly has potential, went to college, has goals, I feel like she's putting them on hold in order to party. We have a lot in common, have not had an easy time being on our own since 19 and getting through school so part of me really feels like she is not a lost cause and just needs someone to believe in her and maybe give her some tough love like you girls mentioned. My last roomate with alcohol and drug issues I eventually lost my shit on and there were cops involved and it destroyed our friendship. This time if possible I would like to be more proactive and attempt to salvage the friendship. Mentioning AA is probably the best way to go I'm just not sure the most effective way to do this. Intervention? She has a lot of friends from the bar that care about her...how well would having a group style interventon probably work?
    Just don't put this on yourself, whatever you choose to do. My ex was and is amazingly gifted... Possibly one of the smartest people I've met, from a very affluent and wealthy family, went to some of the best schools, top 5% of his class, nearly perfect score on the LSATs. Very attractive, very generous, and he usually has a big heart. He was taking a career path which offered less money but helped more people.

    Sadly, addiction can come to anyone, from any place in life, with any amount of potential. It's infuriating and heartbreaking to watch. If I could somehow give a part of myself to watch him succeed, I would. But it doesn't work like that. You can try an intervention. You can try to take her to AA. But honestly, even if she goes along with it all, the change won't happen until she herself sees and understands the problem. And even then, she has to be the one to do all the work. I truly believe that the best thing you can do for her is to say, "I care about you, and I'm concerned about how much you're drinking. I'll be here as a friend if you ever need me. This is the number for the nearest group." Having friends who care is important. It's just not enough.

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  36. #24
    Featured Member Odette's Avatar
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    ^Thank you. I'm going to have to talk to her tomorow and I will be going with something like that. She just came home (drunk again I think, just asked me if I had wine) with customer number 3 who is apparently a friend from her hometown, but I don't care, unless it's a close/old friend or a coworker, anyone from the club does not come into my home.
    "We can't expect you to just know all the secrets of our top-secret-titty-club!" --Jenna Marbles

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  38. #25
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    Default Re: I think my new roommate might be an alcoholc...not sure what to do...

    I have to share this story since it will makes you feel better- I let a very f*cked up newbie dancer stay at my house for several days & she was so scary I actually would inch away from her on the couch b/c her mood swings were so bad (she was mixing prescrip pills and booze.) I felt like I couldn't even talk to her without fearing that she'd jump me... I finally threw her out, but not after putting up with tons of crap. So yeah, even streetwise people get stuck with psychoes from time to time.

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