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Thread: Life...a big kick in the dick.

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    Angry Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Well ladies, it's been months since I've been a consistent poster, but what better place to get some stuff off my chest?

    Work has been a huge struggle for me lately and I've suffered the financial repercussions; I have to move out of my apartment, as I can't afford to pay the rent on time. That, in itself, is an uphill battle since I DEMOLISHED my credit...I'm pretty sure I've found a decent place and now if I can just scrape together the first months rent and deposit, it should be mine.

    However, that means one other problem for me: I have to spend money on a new place instead of a new car...a few weeks ago, my car CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE and I struggled with the insurance company, so I have to start from scratch and get a new one. I basically have the choice between being car-less or homeless, so I'll opt to live without a car for a few weeks.

    Anyway.....meanwhile, I must tell you a bit of my back story. I was cheated on by my ex and ended up befriending his mistress. For two years, I have happily raised his child by myself, have ceased all contact as he was quite abusive and enjoyed a lovely friendship with a girl...we won't mention her name, but it rhymes with "whore-en."

    Well, whore-en decided our friendship obviously wasn't too important to her, because when my psychotic ex decided to hit her up, she sparked an all out war between us by giving him my full address and revealing details of my life. I must remind you, this man is absolutely INSANE and I've avoided him like the plague for years. Thankfully, he hadn't chased after me....until now.

    Rumor has it that whore-en has inspired him to make accusations that I am on drugs (I'm not) in order to seek full custody of my child, whom he hasn't had or wanted ANYTHING to do with since she was born. She has a great man who is raising her as his own and that's her daddy; I am terrified that a nasty custody battle may throw a wrench in that. I genuinely fear for her safety in his presence.

    For this reason, I suppose it's a good thing that I'm moving....I'm hoping he simply won't take any initiative to do anything and I can go back to quietly living in peace. But I want to legally protect myself and my child from him.

    I'm stressed out to the max, broke, heartbroken and worried sick so any advice is most welcomed :/

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    ^^^if nothing else, 'fate' owes you some major streaks of good luck !!!

    As to potential custody battles, they're almost always 'ugly'. You didn't provide much in the way of specific details, but issues like the child having a stable place to live, and keeping the child away from possible exposure to 'adult' activities, typically factor prominently in such cases.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    I'm putting a lot of research into this, starting now. IF he files for custody, and that's a big IF, then he's certainly going about it all wrong.......I feel like the judge will frown upon him coming in, throwing around drug accusations with no evidence, after being completely absent for two years.

    However, I cannot stress this enough....this guy does not care about her or have any desire to raise her. He may be trying to dig his claws back into me, but I do not see him making any genuine effort to take her.

    Just as an example...his wife was recently pregnant with twins. He told her to abort them, or he would divorce her...and then he divorced her anyway after her pregnancy was terminated.

    He also has an estranged son out of state, whom he pays child support for merely because he has to, but makes no effort to see him.

    This doesn't strike me as the type of person who will fight to raise a child. I honestly think he's using this as some sick manipulation tactic to gain something from me....what he's trying to gain, I don't know. But I don't think it will be my daughter. But just incase, I'm preparing my arsenal right now.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    I don't know your financial situation, but you should focus on protecting your child first. You mentioned you are with someone? Maybe he can help you with that. I'd forget about that girl who you befriended as she seemed to only be a conniving bitch. I would seek a restraining order against him since you said he was abusive to you in the past. It's great you have a man to lean on for comfort and support and I wouldn't worry about the car right now. You did the right thing by choosing the home(obviously). Just hang in there and everything will be fine.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    I'm holding off on a restraining order for now, since he hadn't actually filed any motions with the court and I fear the order may spark him to do so. I haven't made contact with him in 2 years and don't have much tangible evidence for a restraining order, although I wish I did...but since taking me to court would require him to stop gambling his money away and playing video games, I'm hoping he just doesn't bother.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Quote Originally Posted by farrah_tinytot View Post
    I'm holding off on a restraining order for now, since he hadn't actually filed any motions with the court and I fear the order may spark him to do so. I haven't made contact with him in 2 years and don't have much tangible evidence for a restraining order, although I wish I did...but since taking me to court would require him to stop gambling his money away and playing video games, I'm hoping he just doesn't bother.
    That's a good idea as when I posted, I didn't see your 2nd post until mine was already up and since he did what he did to his now ex-wife, maybe it's better not to set him off.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    I feel like the judge will frown upon him coming in, throwing around drug accusations with no evidence, after being completely absent for two years.

    This doesn't strike me as the type of person who will fight to raise a child. I honestly think he's using this as some sick manipulation tactic to gain something from me....what he's trying to gain, I don't know

    but since taking me to court would require him to stop gambling his money away and playing video games, I'm hoping he just doesn't bother.
    Let's hope your assessment is correct. Unfortunately, if such a family court case is filed, if you have any dancing or camming work on record, and if 'whore-en' is willing to testify on your ex's behalf having two year's worth of personal knowledge about you, it would not be impossible for them to attempt to 'paint a picture' that portrays you as a Hollywood stereotype drug using, whoring, financially irresponsible 'stripper'. Unfortunately, in the absence of 'hard evidence' proving otherwise, in a 'he said, she said' situation the judge is likely to err on the side of whichever parent would provide a better PERCEIVED environment for the child based solely on testimony. Your present situation of being broke, carless, and being behind on rent to the point of impending eviction, certainly won't help to dispel the 'picture' that your ex and 'whore-en' may try to 'paint'. You didn't provide any details, but your bf's presence could play into this as well.

    Or even worse, the judge could decide that neither you nor your ex is capable of providing a suitable PERCEIVED environment for your child, potentially ordering the child to become a 'ward of the court' i.e. foster care. Perhaps this is the actual objective your ex and 'whore-en' have in mind ???
    Last edited by Melonie; 04-26-2015 at 03:14 AM.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    It's for those exact reasons that I've decided to do nothing, as of right now. He's done a pretty good job of digging his own grave, being that he's displaying a complete lack of responsibility, as well as the intention to alienate a child from her mother. In that situation, I feel it's best to focus on making myself look like the model parent while he's busy throwing a hissy fit.

    It sort of helps that he's in the military and due to SUPPOSEDLY go to Korea soon. If that's the case, problem solved....if not, and if my perception is correct, I will encourage a healthy relationship with ample visitation between both parents, because A. The courts like that and B. I'm pretty sure he would only want to be in her life if it means scratching me out of it.....we tried creating a visitation schedule before and he simply would not commit to it. In fact, he wouldn't watch her by himself at all, but would quickly draw the "I'm going to take your kid away" card every time he was mad at me.

    So being that he has never seen her as his daughter but more like a pawn which he can use to control me, I think the best course of action right now would be to ignore him and focus on being the best momma bear I can be

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Quote Originally Posted by farrah_tinytot View Post
    So being that he has never seen her as his daughter but more like a pawn which he can use to control me, I think the best course of action right now would be to ignore him and focus on being the best momma bear I can be
    Honestly farrah, issue avoidance is a horrible way to fix most anything. Matters almost always get worse if you don't deal with them head on. You also lose control of things and instead are forced to react defensively.

    In this instance, as far as the child and the absentee Dad are concerned, if you took control of things you would likely realize that you are in the driver's seat and not him. For starters, I'll bet that there was a child support order that accompanied his visitation order. Has he been paying you? I'm guessing not. You could very easily fuck up his world by either enforcing an existing order or filing to get one in place if one does not exist. This would also put you in the driver seat to claim abandonment and to force him to accept an unfavorable child custody order. And getting child support would be a good start in helping you out financially too.

    In most states, there are a ton of resources designed to help single mothers enforce or obtain child support. Just Google them for your state and you will likely be amazed. And if your ex goes all insane over being dragged to court then that is what restraining orders are for. If he hasn't gone after baby Momma #1 for collecting child support, then he will likely not go over the top with you either.

    As far as the housing is concerned, how much is prospective substitute Daddy contributing? Can he bring in more money to take some of the load off of your shoulders? It may be time to have a Coming to Jesus conversation with him about what it means if he actually wants to be the Daddy of your family. Having to choose between housing or a car when there is another man in the picture is a little confusing. For that matter, if he wanted to put a ring on your finger and make things all official, it would also give you a lot more options down the road with respect to custody of your child.

    Finally, have you talked to your current landlord about your situation and options? I don't know what history you have with your landlord, but very few are eager to go back out into the rental market if something can be worked out with the existing tenant. Re-renting a place costs time and money and it would also mean the loss of any back rent you owe. I don't know how behind you are, but it is something to consider if things are not completely out of hand yet.

    Being a mamma bear is all well and good, but you might find being a mamma lioness to be a bit more rewarding.

    Anyway, just my and good luck with all of this!

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    I appreciate your input but must disagree on some points; first and foremost, he and I do not have a custody arrangement. As I said, there is no court order between us, he's been absent for two years and I have every single intention of keeping it that way if I can help it. I know that may contradict the attitude I would have in the middle of a court room, but that is simply because we have not gone to court yet. He hasn't been ordered to pay child support and I don't want him to; child support opens the door for visitation very easily. For the duration of her life we have had an unspoken agreement that if I don't go after him for money, he won't come after her. He is not on her birth certificate and has never legally acknowledged himself as her "father." The visitation I speak of was me attempting to ask him which days he would like to have her and him flat out refusing to set a schedule; instead, he insisted he could see her "whenever he wanted" and expected me to drop my life to bring her over. Mind you, she was also breastfed at that time and I needed to know when he'd take her so I could have an ample supply pumped up....fast forward, he finally arranged to keep her for Easter but never showed up to get her. His one and only contribution was $200 cash after we fought tooth and nail....then, finally, the threats began.

    I went back to work and he wanted me to leave her with him, but told me he wouldn't be giving her back. It escalated into risking custody of my daughter if I did ANYTHING he didn't like...he demanded I quit my job, stop talking to all of my friends and family, then move in with him. Otherwise, it was "I'm going to take your baby away." At that point, I was afraid to go to work and that was exactly what he wanted. So rather than bend to his will and let him use her as emotional blackmail, I went to work, lived life as normal and told him if he was going to try and start a custody battle, either shit or get off the pot. He said he would file for a court ordered paternity test the following Monday......that Monday never came. He never took it to court but continued his threats and belittlement. Eventually, after things escalated to a dangerous point, I told him I was ceasing all contact with him and if he wanted something to do with the baby, then he needed to go to court for it. Again, he did nothing.

    That was two years ago. For an entire two years he's shown a complete disinterest in her or me and has given me no indication that he'd be changing his mind. I really, truly feel that these threats are merely a cry for someone to pay attention to him and NOT a legitimate attempt to take her...that's why I'm not filing for child support or stepping foot into a court room unless he actually seeks out that order.

    As for the apartments, I didn't fall behind in rent; I habitually paid them one week late and for that reason, they're refusing to resign a lease with me. I owe them no back rent as of right now. However, I should take that as a sign from the universe because I just recently found out that he and his now ex-wife also live in this complex...one more reason to get out of dodge.

    I am not in a relationship with the man who is raising my two girls, but we have one biological child together and he has been in the younger one's life since birth. He contributes as best as he can; working full time in fast food doesn't yield much, but he gives me $600 a month for both girls...not because he's ordered to, but because he wants to. I'm honestly happy with it.

    Outside of him I have a boyfriend who is wonderfully supportive and helps the best he can, but he has two children of his own and we don't live together, so I don't expect much.

    The car.....well, that was a flukey, freak accident thing. I've had no problem paying my car payments as well as rent and bills, although it meant paying rent a week late sometimes. What I do struggle with is that I need both a new place AND new car RIGHT NOW, which would cost around $3500.....needless to say, I do not have $3500 sitting around. So given the choice between a down payment on one of those two things, I'm leaning more toward having a place to live.

    None of these problems would be particularly difficult to tackle if they all weren't freakin getting dumped on me all at once :/

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Ok, well, he won't get far going for custody unless you actually are a user of heavy and dangerous drugs. (not marijuana) You have status quo, which means you have had the child for a certain amount of time (over six months) and have been providing most of the care for him/her. Status quo figures prominently in custody issues, and you have that on your side.

    I do have to say though, that if you keep trying to avoid this man, and keep him from his child, (yes, it is his child too) that you could eventually lose custody over that. If you ever go to court, and you even hint that you want to keep the father from his child, you'll be lucky if the only thing that happens is the judge gives you a good verbal reaming. He can take you to court. He doesn't even NEED to know your current address. They will just serve you by proxy, (put an ad in a newspaper) and when you don't show up, he may get everything he asks for.

    You may not like this guy, and he may be a sucky father, but he deserves (according to the law) time with his child, and the child deserves both parents. You also deserve child support.

    I am only answering this as far as the legalities go because I can easily sympathize with you emotionally, but you need to know the truth about what you could be facing if you keep trying to avoid him. You can ask the court for pick up and drop off to be at a police station or some other place that feels safe to you. I just don't want you losing the child you're trying so hard to save.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Thanks for clarifying farrah. It sounds then like you just have to do what you have to do on the housing front until you can scrape up enough cash for another car. Sorry that this is happening to you.

    But I still disagree about the whole custody issue. The reason he can still manipulate you with those threats is because he knows that you are intimidated. Of course he's not going to run off with the kid. Since he isn't officially recognized anywhere as the father, he could be arrested for kidnapping if he tried. It doesn't matter what BS justification he comes up with. If he takes your kid and hides the child from you, you can have him thrown in jail. You do know that, right? I bet he does. It is an utterly empty threat, but he does it anyway because he knows that he can pull that nonsense on you.

    He also WANTS you afraid to go to court, because he already knows that he will be forced to shell out more money if he does. So he also makes threats about custody which he already knows aren't true, but he is counting on your fear there as well.

    If you don't do something about it, he can pull this shit on you any time he wants. You also need help on the financial side and it is clear that BF is never really going to be a fully functioning Daddy beyond "moral" support. Meanwhile, baby Momma #1 is getting financial help [B]and[B] doesn't have to worry about his empty threats, all because she has this guy in the system and a court order on record. Don't you and your child deserve the same assistance and peace of mind that baby Momma #1 and her child already have?

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    In the god awful scenario that we do go to court, I won't make the mistake that he's currently making by demanding full custody. I think the worst thing that would happen is he would be offered visitation, which he probably wouldn't even show up for.

    However, I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I haven't been actively running from him, since I could've easily taken her out of state or hidden her from him, but I didn't...I just relied on my perception of him, which is that he's such a POS he won't even make the effort of coming after her. I'm still relying on that, to be honest.

    But that's an outside of court scenario. In the midst of a court room, I know better than to make allegations I have no evidence for or to attempt to alienate the other parent....he's taking both of those tactics right now, via false drug allegations as a reason to take full custody.

    In spite of being an emotional train wreck, I am trying to keep a calm head on my shoulders. I'm not necessarily running for my life from him right now, but I am trying to avoid instigating him.

    Mind you, I could be totally wrong on this...but I feel like if I don't go out of my way to hide from him and he still takes no initiative to get her, it comes back more so on him than me. He's had two years to try to work something out and has multiple means of contacting me, yet he hasn't even so much as asked how she's doing. So please, by all means, correct me if I'm wrong....but I don't think that looks like an attempt to take her away on my part

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    I'd like to point out that baby momma #1 has less to fear because she is on the other end of the country.

    But yes, you are right that having a court order in place would give me my peace of mind, as it would be easier to cope with than running and always worrying.

    However, there's still a part of me that fears even leaving her with him for one night would be risking her health and safety. That part of me is screaming to not even take that chance by going after him. Receiving a few extra hundred dollars a month is simply not worth exposing my child to this toxic abusive monster

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Oh and also just to clarify, my financial situation is temporary....I usually have more money than I know what to do with. It's just been a rough year. But one of the many many benefits of my job is that I am not broke or below the poverty line by any means, so child support.....how do I say this? It feels like chump change for a whole lot of bullshit

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't visitation tied to him paying child support?

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Quote Originally Posted by lupojohn View Post
    Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't visitation tied to him paying child support?
    Yes and no. If I demand child support, he most certainly has the right to demand visitation.....whether his wish is granted or not depends on the judge, because he can still be ordered to pay child support but not granted visitation.

    But yes, that's why I chose the terminology "opens the door for visitation." Because right now, my goal is to keep him as far away as humanly possible but seeking child support would allow and encourage him to seek visitation.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Quote Originally Posted by farrah_tinytot View Post
    Yes and no. If I demand child support, he most certainly has the right to demand visitation.....whether his wish is granted or not depends on the judge, because he can still be ordered to pay child support but not granted visitation.

    But yes, that's why I chose the terminology "opens the door for visitation." Because right now, my goal is to keep him as far away as humanly possible but seeking child support would allow and encourage him to seek visitation.
    From the way you described him, it seems as though the child support money isn't worth the fear or heartache you'd have to go through, but that's obviously your choice. It's good to see you're such a level-headed person and exploring and keeping all your options open.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    That's certainly the way I feel about it but this is a delicate matter and I welcome any advice I can get

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    But the door is already open for him to demand visitation or even some form of custody. All he has to do is go to court himself, which is simply a matter of submitting a filing. In fact, he may look more favorable in the eyes of a judge if he files first and spins it as trying to see the child that has been kept from him. IME the person who files first is almost always in the better position to level accusations of abandonment, non-support, etc., and IMHO it would be better if it was you who got out in front. You could even file for a restraining order at the same time and make the court aware of his threats.

    I might feel differently about this if he had just disappeared a couple of years ago and never returned. If that were the case, then perhaps it would be a reasonable chance to take. But he is back, pulling the same shit again. Maybe he won't go all the way this time, but what about the next time? Or the time after that? What if he gets a few years older and has a change of heart about being a father? If you want your fear and uncertainty to go away, then IMHO you need to take charge and do something about it. Otherwise, you just keep handing him over all of your power.

    And on the financial side, IMHO you are kinda' thinking too short-term. You won't be able to work in the adult industry forever, yet this child is going to need support for many years to come. You would have him on the hook for the entirety of the childhood, with the option of requesting modifications whenever his income goes up (which is commonly the case with guys working vanilla jobs).

    Anyway, I'm going to leave it at this, but IMHO you are making a terrible mistake by letting him intimidate you with empty threats and implied violence. They have planes that fly to where baby momma #1 lives too, yet he is paying child support to her and she is still alive and kicking. He is only pulling this shit on you because you let him and because he is as afraid of court as you are - maybe even more so.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    At the risk of this being interpreted as being stubborn and bullheaded, I won't be swayed by the benefit of child support.

    I do appreciate your input--believe me, I do--but the temptation of receiving child support is not worth the risk of exposing my child to him.

    I know what kind of person he is and that he will not provide quality care, but it may prove difficult to show that to the courts.

    I don't really have to cite more examples of why he's terrible, but this comes to mind...when she was a tiny baby, I let him "watch her" so I could take a nap. I woke up to him playing video games and screaming at her because she wouldn't stop crying.

    I am filled with horrific images of what could happen if she were left in his care, so I can't bring myself to file with the courts and initiate that risk. Even one day left with him could spell out disaster

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Quote Originally Posted by rickdugan View Post
    Thanks for clarifying farrah. It sounds then like you just have to do what you have to do on the housing front until you can scrape up enough cash for another car. Sorry that this is happening to you.

    But I still disagree about the whole custody issue. The reason he can still manipulate you with those threats is because he knows that you are intimidated. Of course he's not going to run off with the kid. Since he isn't officially recognized anywhere as the father, he could be arrested for kidnapping if he tried. It doesn't matter what BS justification he comes up with. If he takes your kid and hides the child from you, you can have him thrown in jail. You do know that, right? I bet he does. It is an utterly empty threat, but he does it anyway because he knows that he can pull that nonsense on you.

    He also WANTS you afraid to go to court, because he already knows that he will be forced to shell out more money if he does. So he also makes threats about custody which he already knows aren't true, but he is counting on your fear there as well.

    If you don't do something about it, he can pull this shit on you any time he wants. You also need help on the financial side and it is clear that BF is never really going to be a fully functioning Daddy beyond "moral" support. Meanwhile, baby Momma #1 is getting financial help [B]and[B] doesn't have to worry about his empty threats, all because she has this guy in the system and a court order on record. Don't you and your child deserve the same assistance and peace of mind that baby Momma #1 and her child already have?
    As far as support goes, the first child(ren) to go to court for child support gets the most. From there, the amount goes down a certain amount for each child. So let's just pretend you had his child first, but you did not go for child support (yet) but then he had another child and that mother took him to court right away (while you're still thinking about it) What that would mean for you is that other (second) mother would end up getting more in child support (all other things being equal) than you would for your child who was born first.

    Since there already is a "first" child receiving child support, I suggest you file for it sooner rather than later. You may not want that money, but your child deserves the extras it could provide.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    Quote Originally Posted by lupojohn View Post
    Correct me if i'm wrong, but isn't visitation tied to him paying child support?
    No. They are often litigated together, but child support is not a ticket to see your children. They are actually two separate issues. So if daddy is behind on child support, he still gets to see his children. By the same token, just because daddy *is* paying child support, that is not a guarantee he will be granted visitation.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    You need legal advice. You should get it from a lawyer who handles child custody and support cases in your jurisdiction. Anything else is speculation.

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    Default Re: Life...a big kick in the dick.

    I didn't read half the posts, so pardon me if any of this has been addressed.

    I have a friend in a similar scenario (3 year old, father who only sees him twice a year, abusive to her, terrible parent, makes zero financial contribution). Father and grandparents sometimes randomly threaten to file for custody or rights of some kind. A lawyer advised her to not go to court and to wait until he makes a serious indication of filing, and then to point out that he will A) very likely lose since the child has lived with her and his maternal grandparents for 3 years, and there are multiple witnesses to back up his lack of involvement, as well as tax returns where the maternal grandparents claimed the child as a dependent, and B) that when he loses, he's now on the radar and liable for 3 years of back child support. So far, ignoring their nasty messages and phone calls (while saving the angry voicemails for evidence) has worked and nobody has filed anything.

    That said, I agree with you that this is a cry for attention. He sounds EXACTLY like her ex; he throws a hissy fit and "I want my son" for a couple days, and then vanishes for months. Ignoring people who throw those fits is pretty much the best thing that can be done.

    Re; the drug use accusations... if it did go to court, IMHO you could probably roll your eyes at him and offer to take a drug test for the judge. I'm sure they hear all kinds of bullshit accusations thrown around in divorce/custody courts and I doubt they'll be phased by it.
    "People jack off with the left hand and point with the right."

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