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Thread: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

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    Default Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    So its another bitching rant but also want to hear some positive responses if any. I wrote I was going through some shitty time a few months ago. Long story short, I fucking lost primary custody of my child. I only get to see him on the weekends. My first reaction was to storm into court and whine and demand all orders reversed. That didnt happen. I left my husband and moved in with my mom. My moms reaction to losing custody was that I get a job and get a place and move out to get custody back. I went into major fckng depression, to the point where I ordered coffee from target so I didnt have to leave my house. I went to see a psychiatrist as advised. I confessed to her I have NO DESIRE to look for work and I dont care. I am going back to school in less than a month and nothing is going to stop me from getting a degree. I told this to my mother and she said that I didnt care for my child, since Im focused on accomplishing my goals and not regaining custody. I explained Im thinking long term not short term. She suggested I go back to husband to prove stability, and I am not going to do that. So for now, I get to be labeled as the selfish bitch that isnt being selfless for the children. I am camming now but this whole criticism is making me feel like crap and i cant even work. I even considered dancing again since I made more money there. I still dont have a car, but I will get a bucket that could potentially get me to and from a club.

    I have been sober for almost 6 months and all this shit has been fckng hard to deal but I feel I finally have clarity in what I want out of life. Since I have to work to earn a living its going to be something meaningful. I know its corny but I really cant get my mind around working towards something that will not make this world a better place. As idealistic and silly this may sound I dont want a fucking job that will not make a difference. I want to change lives or at least impact them in a positive way. My dream career is to teach music to children, because out of all the experiences in my life, music was the only thing that I was taught that changed my life.

    So now I dont know what to do. Im so confused. Should i dance and risk relapsing to alcohol? Should I cam and try to survive off of that? Idk. Please no flaming, ive had it from several ppl in my real life already. I guess I want some good vibes?

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    I think you should do what's best your child. If your focus is on going to school to get your degree. I think your should do that. Don't work at a club if there is a danger of relapsing. Cam to support yourself through school. Maybe after you get your degree you can regain custody. Make the time you spend with your child special.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    I would only give dancing a serious chance at this point if there are clubs in your area that don't serve alcohol. Sure, there will always be girls there who sneak in their own booze, but you need to look at them as ppl who could very possibly get in the way of your goals of life-improvement & regaining custody. Otherwise, I would cam &/or PSO since you can do all of that from home & not be in danger from being around your triggering substances.

    I can see both your & your mother's POVs here -- it seems that via going back to school, you're wanting to improve yourself & your ability to provide for your child when you do get him back. He does need a good, stable environment to come back to, & that degree can be a way of providing that stability. OTOH, your mother seems to think you need to take a more direct approach to getting your child back, & sees the pursuit of a degree as a roundabout method & maybe even a distraction.

    What strikes me is that you describe having no desire to look for work, yet you suddenly want to put forth the effort to achieve a college degree? I find that a bit curious, since depending on the programme you choose & how you go abt achieving it, working towards a degree can be a fulltime job plus. I am not trying to shoot down your ambitions, but I think this is important to think abt.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Where are you located? I know that in Onatario as a single parent you would qualify for massive amounts of student loans (15kish probably) and the maximum debt load is 7k per year so the rest is a grant. In addition to that you could get a part time job and continue to cam or dance, but the "on the books" income and stability of a job and funding would probably help your case. I think pursuing your own goals is important but try and think of ways you can balance that while supporting your child. You can do it!
    "We can't expect you to just know all the secrets of our top-secret-titty-club!" --Jenna Marbles

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    The father refused to take child support from me and even asked they terminate my support to him. Im in california. The way i was to support myself would be either dancing or camming. I had a vanilla job while married to my husband for a while and although it made me feel good, after a while i began thinking in stripper mentality. I couldve made this paycheck in one night, and frustration kicked in. I can ask for loans or assistance using my son because i lost custody. I am no longer the primary caregiver. It has been something my ex has worked hard for many years. He took the opportunity of me being in a fcknd up situation to attack and won. Although he remained unemployed for 4 years and never paid his owed child support, the second week after getting his job he went to court stating he was more able to care for our son.
    Thats what im afraid of, going back to dancing and relapsing

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Normally, when I see a post like this, I launch into a diatribe about how raising our children is the most important job in the world. I then normally add that we have to push aside our own desires and make the sacrifices necessary.

    But I am not going to do that here. Weird, Idk anything about you or what you are going through, but maybe it is not so bad for you to have a little time to focus on yourself. In reading your posts over time, I cannot help but believe that you have been rolling out of control for some time now and that you started looking for the escape hatch months ago. Not everyone is built to be a dedicated parent, however much he or she wishes to be. It may be that a little time figuring out what you want to be and maybe even what you can cope with might be a good thing.

    Anyway, just my and I hope things shake out well for you.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    thanks. I had been. Honestly I only began dancing, because I wasnt able to provide for my son with my day job. Hes the most important thing to me and I stayed in a REALLY unhealthy relationship for a very time because my trophy husband made me look like I had my shit together in family court. I have stopped drinking entirely and now almost 6 months sober. I did try to get custody but they wont due to "my circumstances" I appreciate your honesty and I must say that I am a very dedicated parent and believe me I have done unimaginable things for my son. At this time, I realized that I need stability in the long run, to raise him in a stable home, without relying on husbands etc. Just a little background, his dad has literally taken me to court over 64 times in the past 5 years stating different reasons I am not a fit parent. Every time, it was denied. This time, I was in a hotel due to eviction, and I was in the hospital the day of our hearing. I went back to court and proved ive been sick, and was in the hospital, not at the hospital, literally in the hospital recovering from surgery. The judge said, due to my circumstances, she granted him temp custody until my circumstances changed.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Please read this - that child will need you. Even when you're 30 you love and miss your mother. Life is long and so many things can happen. Don't think about today, think about tomorrow. Breath, and plan. When your boy sleeps he dreams of you, and he counts the minutes to see you again even though he'll never tell you. You stay strong, and see the day when he'll be taller than you and put his arms around you and thank you for everything you did.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    I'm confused buhabu...

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Quote Originally Posted by TheWeirdOne View Post
    So its another bitching rant but also want to hear some positive responses if any. I wrote I was going through some shitty time a few months ago. Long story short, I fucking lost primary custody of my child. I only get to see him on the weekends. My first reaction was to storm into court and whine and demand all orders reversed. That didnt happen. I left my husband and moved in with my mom. My moms reaction to losing custody was that I get a job and get a place and move out to get custody back. I went into major fckng depression, to the point where I ordered coffee from target so I didnt have to leave my house. I went to see a psychiatrist as advised. I confessed to her I have NO DESIRE to look for work and I dont care. I am going back to school in less than a month and nothing is going to stop me from getting a degree. I told this to my mother and she said that I didnt care for my child, since Im focused on accomplishing my goals and not regaining custody. I explained Im thinking long term not short term. She suggested I go back to husband to prove stability, and I am not going to do that. So for now, I get to be labeled as the selfish bitch that isnt being selfless for the children. I am camming now but this whole criticism is making me feel like crap and i cant even work. I even considered dancing again since I made more money there. I still dont have a car, but I will get a bucket that could potentially get me to and from a club.

    I have been sober for almost 6 months and all this shit has been fckng hard to deal but I feel I finally have clarity in what I want out of life. Since I have to work to earn a living its going to be something meaningful. I know its corny but I really cant get my mind around working towards something that will not make this world a better place. As idealistic and silly this may sound I dont want a fucking job that will not make a difference. I want to change lives or at least impact them in a positive way. My dream career is to teach music to children, because out of all the experiences in my life, music was the only thing that I was taught that changed my life.

    So now I dont know what to do. Im so confused. Should i dance and risk relapsing to alcohol? Should I cam and try to survive off of that? Idk. Please no flaming, ive had it from several ppl in my real life already. I guess I want some good vibes?
    Congratulations on your six months of sobriety!! I know that's not easy.

    I'm wondering why you don't just start teaching music to children? If you can get 20 clients who pay you $20 a week - well, that's only 40% higher than the Federal minimum wage, but if you're poor then at least you're poor doing something you love.

    Sure, it's a better long-term goal to be an official elementary school music teacher, but private lessons are a business you could start building tomorrow.

    I don't think it's at *all* corny to want to do something meaningful and something that makes a difference. I'd rather make $6/hour picking tomatoes than $60/hour working a job that shouldn't even exist, like hard-selling something overpriced and inferior.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    I am going to go with Rick and say, take a little time for yourself. Your child is the most important thing to you, and as such, your sobriety is the most important thing to you. Keep going with the great work you have been doing.

    Try not to view everything as negative, things just are, move forward.

    Since your ex has now 'won' he is having to deal with the reality of that victory. You know well the day to day grind of raising a child, so let him experience that, and see how hard he fights in the next round.

    You are dealing with a lot of things that are not easy, give yourself a break, you are harder on yourself than anyone else.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    I was just thinking that. Before he would refuse to let me pick him up even thirty minutes early. Now he's calling me to pick him up early. Our son is pretty high maintenance. Being a single dancer parent gave me the opportunity to spend every waking second with him, since I only worked weekends when he went to visit his dad. Our son got very accustomed to having a "sahm" from the opinions of my family and friends, our son is spoiled beyond reason both emotionally and materially. I know it isn't like that at dad's because he has two step brothers. Son says he wants to live with me, and before he would ask me to live with dad and it would make me feel like crap since I worked my ass off. I'm kinda glad he is getting both experiences and sad this is happening to him. I also considered not pulling him from dad's just yet since like me, he dsnt deal with change well. So idk. It's really hard to explain but I am his mother and I feel I am doing the right thing now. Like I said I'm thinking long term solutions and making sure this dsnt happen ever again.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Thanks oldster. Last time I skyped with baby I literally broke down like a psycho and got my passport and money because I was going to the bar. Luckily I have a supportive group of aa friends who helped me. I miss my baby so much. I am happiest being a mother. I also believe the depression hit hard because being his mother was really everything about me, it was my identity. It was my ONLY role in life. Siiiigh.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Sobriety is more important than anything else. Without sobriety you cant get an education, a job or regain custody.
    Last edited by slowpoke; 04-28-2015 at 09:22 AM.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    I agree and although I keep telling myself I dont deserve props for doing it, I feel so accomplished.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    I just found your post and I really dont have time to post much at the moment but I am on the other side of this - I have custody of my 3 grand kids ( two - seven and eleven ) - my daughter is a 13 year addict - benzo's - methadone - and now she is on suboxone - your welcome to pm me if you would like and I promise I will get back with you in this thread later this evening

    okay - back home now --there is no easy answer - but here is my two cents on a couple of things

    I had an issue with one of the counselors at a long term ( 2yr ) treatment program she was in a few years ago- my daughter is really smart ( other than being an addict ) and had only 30 credits left to have her bachelors degree - I wanted her to finish school while she was in the program and they wanted her to get a 10 an hour job - this was not specific to her but to all of the ladies there -- but here was my problem with that agenda - you go out get a crappy ass low paying job - and in my opinion 10.00 an hour is not enough to live on - if you have kids you are really screwed trying to live on that - then you end up hooking up/moving in with some guy because you cant make it on your own - maybe he is a nice guy maybe not - many ladies I have seen that are addicts have issues in picking partners who are healthy relationship partners - life gets tough when you cant pay your bills and are in a relationship of convenience then you are using again - not saying a higher paying job keeps you sober but having enough money to eat - keep a roof over your head - and not HAVE to have a partner to make it sure makes you function at a higher level mentally - My argument to the counselor was that they were setting these ladies up to fail by not requiring them to learn a trade or get some sort of education to be able to support themselves long term - I guess the moral of my rambling is being able to support your self COMFORTABLY is important - please choose your career wisely - as you know there are many people with a college education and the massive debt that goes with it who cannot support themselves -

    My grand kids have suffered all of these years of there mom more or less being an absent parent - since she has been on the suboxone she has been way more functional - is that a perfect situation - no - but - she is able to be more present than she has been in quite sometime (other than the occasional relapses) - the oldest one has severe abandonment issues we are dealing with - no matter how much I love them or do for them I am still not MOM - kids want to be with their mom -- no matter what path you choose Please stay active and involved with your child - they love you no matter what - maybe you can find a family counselor to act as an arbitrator with you and your parents to find a solution - I love my grand kids but raising them was not in my life plan - my other grand kids are being shorted of having a grandmother because I am playing mother - I am sure raising your child was not in there life plan either - please try to look at this from their perspective - their life has been turned upside down - I have days of compassion and days of anger / resentment towards my daughter - I always love her as I am sure your parents love you -
    Last edited by Nikki_Fox; 05-01-2015 at 10:18 PM.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    goodness, that was exactly what I needed to read. wow.

    Thank you, and yes I am very involved. He knows, that he was moved to his dads house because "you kept me at the place for a long time" That place was the hotel. He knows it wasnt because I gave him up. He also knows that mommy was very sick because the baby went to heaven. Hes very intelligent. I had a wonderful weekend with him. When I picked him up, we spend time and before bedtime, we talked, about everything. He told me he hates living at his dads and that he wants to live with me. Etc. He says he misses me and my food and the mommy touches. It was ripping my heart apart hearing this and I had to be very strong I am considering taking him to counseling to help him cope. I wish I could fix all of this. He cuddled him and he began to let it all out. Its almost like he was saving all his woes to tell me about them. He told me EVERYTHING that went wrong during his week. That he wasnt able to use the tricycle at school, that he had to change his behavior card, that he got his ipad taken away, etc. Omg It was sooooo heartbreaking. It made me see that there is absolutely NO replacement for me and there never will be. I wish his dad could hear these very intimate and special moments we have. It took a LONG time to get him to calm down but he finally did. This is why I want to regain custody and be in a position where I will NEVER lose custody again.

    I agree with the moving in with guys out of convenience. It isnt right or fair to anyone. I really need to become able to support him on my own, and no 10/hr wont do that.

    I am making each and every second count when were together.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Your son has two stepbrothers at his father's? Is your most recent husband his father, or am I not catching something?

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    When I boil all of this down, a few things are starting to emerge.

    First, the ex obviously cares about this kid if he went to court 64 times in 5 years in order to gain custody. I also strongly suspect that, among other things, he was legitimately concerned about the child's well being.

    Second, this child has some issues now. He is struggling to cope with being in a more normal household environment with his siblings and he's having behavioral issues at school. Being "spoiled beyond reason" is not a good thing. If they don't hear the word "No" every so often, they turn into useless monsters as they get older. Not being allowed to ride a tricycle at school or to use an Ipad at such a young age aren't exactly the end of the world. Children need boundaries, stability and discipline mixed into the nurturing and I strongly suspect that these elements have been lacking thus far in his childhood. It also sounds like this kid has had to shoulder a lot of emotional issues that normally shouldn't be laid on a kid. Children are not supposed to be our emotional crutches - we are supposed to be theirs.

    Idk Weird. I have no doubt whatsoever that you love this child, but I do wonder what might be best for him right now. One thing that has been notably missing from your posts is any hint that the Dad is mistreating the kid, trying to keep the kid from you, or doing anything else that is truly bad. Indeed, it sounds like the Dad has been doing everything in his power to help this child and to provide stability. Might it be in the best interest of your child to be where he is for the time being? Idk enough to opine one way or another, but it very much sounds like this child could use more structure and stability, not less, and I can't help but wonder if the Dad is better positioned to give that to the child for the foreseeable future.

    In any event, good luck!
    Last edited by rickdugan; 05-05-2015 at 05:31 AM.

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    Default Re: Forks in my road, identity crisis, and my selfish me

    Aren't you currently pregnant? You started a whole thread about it a few months ago?

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